Happy Sunday Semantinkists!

I was up late into the night with the Semantink design team, working hard on the trade dress for our first MYTHOI graphic novel. Now, before you get too excited, the first GN is still several months away, but it is going to look awesome. The reason I bring all this up is because I wanted to talk about all the hard work that goes into designing the beautiful books you flip through when you are killing time at the local book store.

The biggest step in the design process is the overall layout of the book. Where will all the elements go? Will the cover have one large piece of artwork, or several smaller ones? Will the art wrap around to the back or end on the front? There is an ungodly amount of design decisions that could mean success or failure on the stands. Let’s look at the front cover first.

The standard for front covers on graphic novels, especially superhero books, is to have one large image adorning the front cover with the book title scrawled across the top of book. Having this large image is a great attention grabber, but lacking in originality. Here are a few examples of the straight forward cover layout:

While the single large image is a great way to get attention, some books strive originality in their design, hoping to grab attention with design instead of pictures. Y: THE LAST MAN and HELLBOY are great examples of emphasizing design over artwork.

Whatever the layout, the cover has to be exciting enough to draw readers in. Just as I wont talk to an ugly girl, no matter how wonderful her personality, if a cover doesn’t grab me, I’m not going to open the book.

Another design element that is a key to sales success is the book spine. When graphic novels are all lined up in the book store with only the spines showing, how does one grab a new reader?

The run of the mill spine will contain the books title, volume (if necessary), publisher, and creators. This is all usually set with a single color and an attention grabbing typeface. Books like SANDMAN will use bands of color to make the book stick out on the shelf. For books that are part of a large series, it’s important to have to have continuity between volumes. THE WALKING DEAD has the same typeface and text placement on each spine, but a different color for each volume.

Finally, there is the back cover. The back cover contains odds and ends that just don’t fit anywhere else. Some of the things commonly found on the back cover are quotes from other professionals, a story synopsis, and the bar code. Sometimes art will grace the back cover, but from a design standpoint, its the red headed step child of the book.

If the layout of a graphic novel is it’s skeleton, then the art used on the book is the muscle and skin. No matter how good the layout is, a bad piece of cover art can kill it. By the same token, even if a GN layout isn’t great, a spectacular piece of art can save it. The key to the best covers is to make an image that will pop off the shelves at readers and tell a story at the same time. As an example, let’s take a look at one of the most well respected graphic novels of all time, WATCHMEN:

WATCHMEN’s cover doesn’t just ask to be read, it smacks you in the face and says ” Take me home or I’ll break a bottle on your head.” The art isn’t even very complex, but the bright color and the rather disturbing blood stain draws the reader in. As an example of a graphic novel that doesn’t work as well, let’s take a look at THE TEEN TITANS: JUDAS CONTRACT

To be fair, this was made in the 1980’s, but looking at this cover doesn’t make you want to buy it, it makes you want to throw up a little bit. The image is overly busy and the color is (for lack of a better word) yucky. Also, the more iconic your image is, the better. Just about any comic book fan can spot that WATCHMEN cover and know that it’s the Watchmen, but without the title, many would have no idea what the TEEN TITANS is.

One final element to consider when putting together a trade paperback is the typeface that will be used. Will you use a standard font, or create your own? THE WALKING DEAD has a unique font that sticks out and fits the book well, while BATMAN: YEAR ONE has a standard font, that doesn’t pop as much, but still fits the book.

The most important thing about selecting typeface is making sure that it fits the book. A heavy Gothic font doesn’t fit with a futuristic cop story. While it’s important to have your title pop out at people it still has to fit the book.

Creating a good looking trade dress is a lot of work, but the results can be spectacular. When I look at books like WATCHMEN  and THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS (another iconic trade) I think about how good a TPB can look, and I get excited for our own Semantink trades. That’s it for today folks, thanks for stopping in. If you haven’t gotten a chance yet, check out our latest issue of MYTHOI, MYTHOI Births: YUKI. And if you haven’t checked out the other MYTHOI Birth issues (also free!) do so now!

Well hello again. It has been a while. I guess I should tell you what happened. Remember way back when I posted last. Well in that post I had a measuring chart. If you missed it then go check it now. Well I guess nobody told Mr. Wolf that this was going on the internets. When he started getting jokes about having baby parts well he wasn’t too happy. I should have known that this was going to happen but I care about you guys more and my blog needed the pic. So my doorbell rings. I usually don’t answer the door but I know is girl scout cookie time and I’m all out of thin mints. I’m getting all giddy getting my money and race to the door and open it without any hesitation. Ahem Mr. Wolf wha…POW!!! Thats all I got out of my mouth before he was attacking me. He beat me around the hands face mercifully. I could tell he had done this before. I’m just glad I hadn’t showered in a week and so I was good and stinky. That was my only way I could fight back. I just let him get all stinky. I actually think he got the worst of it but I was unable to type until now. I did what I could but I was no match for the wolf rage.

Moving on.

Tutorial time. Well it is finally time to release this thing. I was going to have one big release with all the tutorials but writing just one tutorial proved to be more difficult than I had expected.

So this tutorial is for the Kids I met at last years comic con. I was handing out the really cool Mythoi posters that Jed whipped up and I got asked how we get the art into the computer. These are things I guess I just took for granted that most people knew. I did my best to explain the different processes but I could tell that it was just too much without any visual aids. This tutorial is what I came up with out of that encounter. I do my best to give you a quick way to get some pretty decent line art that is ready for prime time comic production. I encourage anyone to take a look and give it a read.

Below you will find two downloadable files. One is just the PDF and the other is a bundle. The bundle has the PDF and all the artwork I used to create the tutorial so that you can follow along.

I hope you like it and give me some feedback. I will be updating this thing and I can implement some of your suggestions.

Here is the PDF right click to save as

Here is the Complete Bundle

Well I guess thats it for this weeks Geek. I hope you like it. Next week I will be posting the Gimp version of this tutorial. Why gimp well because its similar to Photoshop but its fee. I’m Street Fece and I’m OUT!!!

Good Morning!

As we head into the weekend (yay Super Bowl!), it is time for another edition of Odds and Ends. Let’s see what’s going on in the world of comics:

Super Sunday: Comics Alliance is ramping up for the big game in their own way, throwing out rosters for a would-be DC/Marvel Super Bowl. It’s odd but funny.

Catching Up: IGN runs down the last decade of X-Men continuity to get you ready for this year’s X-event. Thanks IGN!

Worse Than The Clone Saga: For all you cinephiles out there, The Razzies have announced their nominations for the worst of 2009. As a special treat to commemorate the new decade, this year’s Razzies actually include categories for worst of the decade.

Waxing Marvel: Jason Karouac and Lee Rodriguez from Panels on Pages sit down for an interview with Marvel’s Uber-editor Tom Brevoort. The whole interview is available for your listening pleasure here.

Why Haven’t You Read This?: Semantink put out it’s latest MYTHOI comic, MYTHOI Birth: YUKI. Why have you not read it? There are Yetis and scantily clad women kicking butt.

Thanks for stopping in folks, have a great weekend, and check back tomorrow for Geek of The Week!

Sgt. Angle reporting for duty!

Oscar nominations were announced this past Tuesday at 5:38 AM PST. Yours Truly wakes up at the late hour of 4:30 every day, so with my morning routine already in the bank, I decided to watch the chuckly Anne Hathaway and the what’s-his-face President of the Academy spout out the nominees in “top categories” for the awards. What defines a top category, in this instance, is the showiest titles, the big cheeses of actors, the “most important, flashiest bits” of the movie — the actors, the writers, the directors, the pictures themselves, and the foreigners. What you need to understand is that the Academy members — or, more precisely, the folks in charge of the Oscar Telecast — are more interested in generating buzz and viewership for the telecast than they are for honoring the latest-greatest contributions to the art form.

I won’t ask you to forgive my foul-ish mood today regarding Oscars, and won’t even pretend to chalk it up to the fact that Mr. Wolff ate away at our regularly scheduled blog-time this week because of his timely chomp-up of the Grammy Awards. I can only ask you to read YUKI, the #3 BIRTH issue of MYTHOI, written by a fella named James Ninness, and worthy of every iris in the states to see and download.

Folks, lend me your ears, and your time, and I’ll tell you a little something about the missing piece of the Oscars, something that has left a void since 1952, and shall perhaps one day — through the genius and respect that is Martin Scorsese, or perhaps even from another writers’ strike — return to show us the way. I’m going to tell you about actual respect towards a craft, and how Television Killed the Triumph of Awards.

The Academy Awards are the oldest awards ceremony in the media. In 1929, the first Oscars were given to celebrate the excellence of film professionals in the years 1928 — 29. The awards show was conceived by Louis B. Mayer, head of MGM studios.  Key word there is “excellence” — not celebrate, but excellence. After the LA Times leaked the award winners in 1940, the names were thereafter sealed in an envelope and revealed only during the ceremony, which was first televised in 1953 with Bob Hope as Master of Ceremonies. It is perhaps the decision to televise the show which has brought the most criticisms to the awards themselves.

No longer are voters or Academy members interested in honoring timeless classics or films that will go on forever to be known as the greatest in the pantheon of the art of film in general. Tim Dirks, editor of AMC’s filmsite.org, has written of the Academy Awards, “Unfortunately, the critical worth, artistic vision, cultural influence, and innovative qualities of many films are not given the same voting weight. Especially since the 80s, moneymaking ‘formula-made’ blockbusters with glossy production values have often been crowd-pleasing titans (and Best Picture winners), but they haven’t necessarily been great films with depth or critical acclaim by any measure.”

Make no mistake about it, the Academy Awards are still the most prestigious award ever to win as a filmmaker. But you must be cautious when you win it, think about what you’ve done to deserve it. Should you be given the award as a gift because of your family relations (Sofia Coppola, “Lost in Translation” writer)? Or how about because the Academy forgot to honor you for a prior piece (Russell Crowe for “Gladiator” instead of “The Insider”)? What if you just had something important to say, despite your film being mediocre at best (“An Inconvenient Truth”)? The point is, because of the commercialization of the Oscars themselves, the awards and honors encapsulated by them have become less prestigious over the years, more about popularity or politics than actual excellence.

Twelve years ago, one of the best films of the 1990s (a fantastic decade for films, despite what anyone else says to you), “L.A. Confidential,” was virtually shut out at the Oscars by the Billion-Dollar-Baby “Titanic.” The monster that slipped on an iceberg offered smooth sailing into Awards History for James Cameron, and somehow captured hearts and minds of moviegoers across the US, and around the Globe — most notably, Academy members were swept up in the wave of apparent heaping praise for the film. And that became the problem. Advertising. Campaigning for an award that SHOULD be given on artistic merit and excellence in the craft, was instead doled out to those who could afford to buy it.

Enter Harvey Weinstein, Stage Right. In case you don’t recall, Weinstein was behind one of the greatest coups in Academy Awards history when he sold members on the idea that “Shakespeare in Love” offered a more historically and artistically brilliant film than “Saving Private Ryan” and “Life is Beautiful.” Even Spielberg stood backstage, holding his still warm Best Director Oscar, wondering how the mighty Miramax Man managed to flatten Ryan’s privates.

And lo, the Awards themselves were pushed back, from late March to late February, to hopefully collapse the campaign season and bring forth honorable films rather than wide wallet films. But that still wasn’t enough. Gone are they days when films released any time before May of the year (“Silence of the Lambs”) are even within radar of Academy members — or marketing wallets. This year, for instance, the only film to be nominated for Best Picture and released before June of 2009 was Disney-Pixar’s “Up.”

And that was released on May 29.

Look, I’ll still watch the Awards, and hey, if I could, I would go to them. But the thing about Awards is, once you start spreading them around, giving them to the moneybags rather than the talentbags, you start to lose sight of why they exist in the first place. You shouldn’t make movies to make money, and you shouldn’t make movies to win awards. You make movies to make a piece of Art, whether it’s a 3-hour character piece exploring the existence of love, or it’s a 3-hour action piece creating a new world, using new technology, and still somehow exploring the existence of love.

I’m as hard-assed as the next soldier, but when it comes to executing your job properly, I’m hoping you don’t spend the most money on the most expensive gun to hit the target; I want to see you hit that target with the cheapest man-made rifle you can find. That’s where real talent lies, and that’s where real inspiration comes from.

That’s just the type of soldier I wanna see on my set.

Let me know what your reactions are to this year’s awards nominations, and next week we’ll ramble on about celluloid history — the type that should disappear from history.

You are dismissed.

Sgt. Angle.

Hey, kids! Akatzen here with another Book Report. If you haven’t checked out Mythoi Birth: Yuki then stop what you are doing and go read it. Seriously, off you go.

Back? Excellent! On with the Report.

In 1985, Walt Disney Pictures released their first animated feature to use computer-generated imagery. It was also their first feature to switch from a Xerography process of animation to an APT process of animation. It was also the most expensive animated feature made up until then. It was also the first animated Disney film to earn a PG rating. It was also a box office failure.
The film I’m talking about is The Black Cauldron, written and directed by Ted Berman and Richard Rich (the team that also made Disney’s The Fox and The Hound).

Of course, when I say “written and directed”, what I really mean is “adapted and directed”. The movie is very loosely based on the first two books of Lloyd Alexander’s five-book series The Chronicles of Prydain (published 1964–1968): The Book of Three and The Black Cauldron. The other books are The Castle of Llyr, Taran Wanderer, and The High King. An additional novel, The Foundling and Other Tales From Prydain was published in 1973.

The collection is for young readers, though I think they belong in the same category as The Chronicles of Narnia and Harry Potter as far as fantasy that young readers will enjoy. This critically acclaimed series is a great stepping stone towards high fantasy of greater scope and maturity. When The High King was released in 1969, the book won the Newberry Medal for “the most distinguished contribution to American literature for children”.

As for the story, the series draws heavily on Welsh mythology, particularly the Mabinogion. However, Alexander himself is quick to point out in an Author’s Note that while the Mabinogion and other Welsh mythology inspired the Chronicles, “Prydain is a country existing only in the imagination.“
And when I say the Chronicles are inspired by Welsh mythology, I mean that the same way films do when they are “inspired by true events”. Names, places, items, and events were lifted straight out of the Welsh mythos and placed into these stories. Alexander then takes heavy artistic license with them.

Gwydion, for instance, is hardly as noble and virtuous in Welsh mythology as he is portrayed in the book. Quite often he is portrayed as a trickster and rogue. In the Fourth Branch of the Mabinogi he even helps his brother rape King Math’s foot-holder.
Arawn, the equivalent in Prydain of Middle-Earth’s Sauron, is also not nearly as evil as he is portrayed in the books.
Hopefully, young readers impressed with the story will seek out the original stories, learning in the process a wealth of history and folklore covering not only Welsh mythology but also the origins of many Arthurian legends.
In particular, the titles of the first three novels mention aspects of Welsh mythology that have filtered into other cultures and even into other religions.

The Book of Three: You ever wonder where the Trinity came from? If you answered “The Matrix” then I like your sense of humor. If you answered “The Bible” then you are wrong. The concept of one god existing in separate aspects at the same time does not appear anywhere in the Bible (though, to be fair, there are many verses which imply that it is at least possible). Where this concept does appear, is in Welsh, Celtic, and Norse mythology. The Fates (or The Norns, in Norse mythology), are three women, one knowing all there is to know about the past, one who knows the present, and one to see the future. Sometimes they are portrayed as weavers, spinning out the threads of our lives. In the Chronicles, three weird sisters (Macbeth, anyone?) make an appearance bearing distinct similarities.
There is also a Book of Three, containing “all that was ever known, and all that will ever be known”. Perhaps one of the Christian church’s most holy ideas comes from the “pagan” religions it suppressed and integrated.

The Black Cauldron: The title of the second book comes from a large kettle which can bring back to life anyone placed within it. In the original mythology, the cauldron was a benevolent gift from Arawn, King of Annwn (which eventually turned into Avalon in Arthurian legend, and is directly responsible for much of the early Church’s ideas about Heaven). In the Chronicles the cauldron became an evil thing, however in the original Welsh mythology, the Cauldron represented miraculous healing powers. If this sounds a bit like what The Holy Grail can do, there’s a good reason for it.

The Castle of Llyr: Probably the most obscure of the titles, perhaps the name of this Welsh sea-god is more familiar when it is spelled “Lear”. The original Welsh tale has very little to do with the story Shakespeare wrote (who got the idea from Geoffrey of Monmouth’s highly fictional History of the Kings of Britain), but Lear’s origin is distinctly Welsh.

The main value in the series (beyond its entertainment value) is that, like so much of High Fantasy as a genre (though not, generally, Fantasy for children), the books are a Bildungsroman (German: “novel of education”). The phrase comes from the German Enlightenment, and is used to describe a coming-of-age type of novel where the protagonist undergoes psychological, moral, and social growth.

This is what sets these books apart from Narnia, Harry Potter, Eragon, and even (depsite their excellence) His Dark Materials.
Taran, the main character of The Chronicles of Prydain, is an Assistant Pig-Keeper. Like the Hobbits in The Lord of the Rings, Taran dreams of being something bigger (pun intended). Other children’s fantasy tends to make the main character “heroic” right off the bat, so they can go do amazing things. Taran, on the other hand, gets caught up in a conflict he is neither equipped nor ready to handle. Out of that conflict comes his growth towards adulthood.
How like real life is that? As an example for children to follow, Taran is a much better candidate than Harry Potter. As Lloyd Alexander himself puts it:

“Such things never happen in real life. Or do they? Most of us are called upon to perform tasks far beyond what we believe we can do. Our capabilities seldom match our aspirations, and we are often woefully unprepared. To this extent, we are all Assistant Pig-Keepers at heart.”

For the adult reader, The Chronicles of Prydain can do much to extend an appreciation for High Fantasy as a genre. These books also do much to encourage the growth of the imagination, as they cater to a child’s imagination, where so much more than the laws of physics and the responsibilities of life are possible. And perhaps it is possible also to come away from these books learning a thing or two.

Good morning!

The next exciting installment of the MYTHOI saga is now available! We here at Semantink are proud to present MYTHOI Birth: YUKI from the creative team of James Ninness and Jed Soriano. The best part? It is absolutely free!

You can find a downloadable PDF on our MYTHOI site here, along with the first two parts of MYTHOI Births (also free). However, for the best viewing experience possible, I recommend checking out YUKI through issuu, which you can do here.

From all of us here at Semantink, we hope you enjoy the issue, and if you did, feel free to tell a friend, get the word out, share the MYTHOI love!

Thanks for stopping in folks, enjoy the comic and check back in tomorrow for another book report with Akatzen.

The Hump Day Rant is early this week!  Yuki is coming out later today and Ben will posting a ditty on that tomorrow, while Sgt. Angle takes Thursday this week for Cinegasm, leaving you bitches with me today.

Lucky you.

Against the better judgment of every man in the world, I recently braved the talent-farce that is the Grammy Awards.  My goal in doing so was to try and get a grasp on what I keep hearing the neon-donning teens of San Diego mention and/or hum before I kick them.  Times change.  What I listened to was the bane of my parents and 95% of the tripe I hear on the radio these days makes me want to drop-kick a baby further than Kaeding before the playoffs.  I had hoped to find something beautiful at the Grammy’s — I didn’t.  What follows is a pop-detached review of the over-produced shenanigans known as The Grammy Awards.

Lady Gaga opened the show in some sort of golden fag-factory wearing a green butterfly-shaped, glitter ranger outfit.  She also had some purple triangles on her face that, unfortunately, did not cover her whole face.  Also revealed in the opening performance was the outer area of her vagina and ass.  I realize that you were a stripper Miss Gaga, but you can afford clothes now — please wear some for those of us who do not want to see your haggard and used flesh.  Elton John joined her on stage.  I assume he came to retrieve the outfits Gaga stole from his 70s self.

At this point I realized that I had made a mistake.

Song of the Year: Beyonce Knowles, Single Ladies (Put a Ring on it). Wow.  That’s the best we got, huh?

Green Day played next, with the cast of their Broadway show American Idiot.  This was actually kind of cool — a bunch of theater losers getting to sing something that doesn’t involve idiotic dancing — I’m in.  It’s kind of hard to go wrong with Green Day…  I can’t help but wonder though: how long does it take Billy Joe to make his hair look like he didn’t make it?  Was the whole thing a bit melodramatically emo?  Yes.  But at least the source material wasn’t written for just teens.

Best Country Album: Who gives a shit?  Okay, fine.  Taylor Swift, Fearless, a girl who managed make Kristen Bell look big.  Eat a fucking cheeseburger.

Beyonce was next.  Another artist I know of?  Wow.  Maybe I’m not as old as I thought…  She rolled in with a homo-dancing-SWAT team, before jumping into a piano-laced grumble.  I’ll admit that this is one of the most talented vocalists in the world today, but I must quickly follow that with my biggest critique: the content of her songs (at least the two I’ve heard) are often lackadaisical and mundane, but she remedied her lack of substance by covering Alanis Morissette and maybe more, but I couldn’t tell.  Well done Ms. Knowles, way to play on your strengths.  All flash, no substance.

The next act was Pink.  She did the whole lonely hallway, virgin-Mary thing to open the performance.  Has anybody bothered to tell her that she isn’t cute?  I can’t tell if she’s trying to be sexy or tough, and I often wonder if she was born a hermaphrodite…  Probably not.  But those shoulders…  Anyways, for her whole performance she just walked around “singing.”  This would be fine if she had a voice like Beyonce, but she doesn’t.  I stopped watching, but then she took off her clothes and I couldn’t help but stare at the spinning-eunuch circus on my television.  I think she was dipped in water at some point, but she may have just been pissing on the audience.  Pink, the gimmicky, human-sprinkler.

Best New Artist: The Zac Brown Band.  I don’t know who these guys are, but one of them had a cut out of (I think) Zach Galifianakis on a Popsicle stick, so I like them.

The Black Eyed Peas.  Fuck the Black Eyed Peas.  These guys used to be good, a very long time ago.  Fergie killed them.  For their performance they came out in Michael Jackson’s S&M outfits and rolled around the stage muttering “Imma Be” and (like all their recent songs) just kept going on and on, repeating the same line.  When they got done saying “Imma be” they started blabbering about havin’ “a feelin.”  There were dancing speakers and wacky hairstyles abounding.  Unfortunately the performance did not end with a group suicide.  The popularity of this group actually makes me hate America.

Lady Antebellum played next.  I don’t know who these people are or where they came from, but I want them to go back there.  It’s not just that they’re country, but that they suck.  I’m pretty sure the guy on the right used to be a part of the Backstreet Boys.  And there isn’t enough black in the world to slim down that girl…

Best Comedy Album: Stephen Colbert, The Greatest Gift of All.  There is a God.

Record of the Year: Kings of Leon, Use Somebody.  I didn’t think these guys had a chance and while I like their previous album more, this was a great win, especially given their underwhelming competition.

Jamie Foxx sang opera.  Then something else.  It was all auto tune and made me queasy.  Mr. Foxx, what the fuck are you doing?  T-Pain showed up.  That didn’t help anything because T-Pain isn’t good unless he’s on a boat.  I’m pretty sure Keith Sweat rolled in at some point as well.  Then a fat girl.  Then Slash.  Seeing all that talent be so terrible reminded me of Kingdom of Heaven.  Mr. Foxx, I’d rather see you make a sequel to Miami Vice or Ray than listen to your “music” ever again.

Best Rock Album:  Green Day, 21st Century Breakdown.  Good job, boys.

The Zac Brown Band played next with Leon Russel, and while I didn’t know who these guys were before, I will be looking into them.  I liked their Amazing Grace open and the fact that they all look like beer-drinkers.  The music was fun and, though country, entertaining and positive.  Nobody did anything crazy or attempted in vain to make some rattled half-cocked statement — it was just good fun music with some talented good ol’ boys. I still think country sucks, but I can’t deny the talent.  Well done, sirs.

Taylor Swift performed next.  She had not eaten the previously suggested cheeseburger.  Her song was, well, meh.  It didn’t help my expectations that she was introduced by King Douchebag, Ryan Seacrest.  Stevie Nicks came on stage, which was cool, I guess.  But it seemed that Ms. Swift was having some problems singing live — perhaps she lacks talent without a post-production team.  And to the guy who played Cousin It in The Addams Family, nice guitar solo.

There was a This Is It thingie for Michael Jackson.  Apparently it was in 3D.  If you didn’t have 3D glasses it was in headache mode.  Children around the world had seizures when Michael reached out for them from beyond the grave.  Celine Dion, Usher, Carrie Underwood, Jennifer Hudson, and Smokey Robinson sang “The Earth Song.”  It was better when Michael did it by himself.  Michael Jackson was an incredibly talented man with innumerable issues.  I hope he finds more peace in the afterlife the he ever saw here on Earth.  And I hope the resurgence of spotlight-seeking celebrities and money-hungry suits stop using his death as a soapbox/cash cow soon.  Bringing out his kids, dressed as their dad, was a nice touch.

Bon Jovi showed up after Sheryl Crow kissed some Universal ass.  Unfortunately they didn’t perform “Blaze of Glory” from Young Guns 2, but they did throw out some of their other songs, one of which was picked by viewers online.  While Jon Bon has never been my cup of tea, I do respect their longevity.  Somebody named Jennifer Nettles came out and sang like she’d been drinking whiskey all afternoon and stood with her legs spread like she rode bulls as a child.  The last song they played was “Livin’ on a Prayer,” kind of appropriate for their career’s current state, don’t you think?

Best Rap/Sung Collaboration:  Jay-Z, Rihanna, Kanye West, Run This Town.

Andrea Bocelli, Mary J Blige and David Foster performed “Bridge Over Troubled Water” as a touching tribute to Haiti.  Give money.  Mary looked like Smurfette.

To the President and CEO of the Academy: Please go away.  You cannot stop music downloads.  I do not feel bad for the incredibly wealthy artists “losing” a bit of money.  Get off your soapbox and go home, to your mansion.

The Dave Matthews Band performed, which was cool.  I’ve always found them fun, but never enough to buy any of their albums. My favorite part was the refrigerator-sized man playing the trumpet.  You think Dave Matthews is ever not high?  I thought he might have been weed-less at the Grammy’s, but then he busted out what can only be described as leprechaun-flavored jig, and I knew that he was full of Mary Jane.

I thought Ricky Martin was dead.

Best Female Vocal Performance:  Beyonce, Halo.  I would like to thank Beyonce’s breasts for coming to the Grammy’s.

Maxwell was up next.  I think he was trying to seduce me…  It didn’t work.  All the fog, blue lighting and low camera angles in the world couldn’t make me like this guy — just not my scene.  Roberta Flack joined Maxwell and it still sucked.  Only now there was suck and ugly…  Roberta looked like somebody left her face out of the sunroof while driving down the freeway for a day, right after they shocked the shit out of her.

Jeff Beck gave homage to Les Paul.  Jeff Beck is the fucking man.  He played with Imelda May, some Irish chick I have no desire to get to know better.  She wasn’t bad, but her rockabilly style made me think of ugly.  Mr. Beck nailed it on the guitar and, with ease, plucked away at some Les Paul for our entertainment.

Quentin Tarantino — You are not Elvis.  You may be, however, the single greatest turd in the world (but a damn fine film maker).

Travis Barker, Eminem, Drake and Li’l Wayne were on stage to strut their stuff next.  It’s good to see that there is still confusion and misplaced anger alive in the music industry.  Drake used auto tune.  Damn him.  I think Eminem may be on Prozac or something, he’s so calm these days…

Pearl Jam was just on my television doing a Target ad.  What the fuck?

Best Album of the Year:  Taylor Swift, Fearless.

I suppose I should be happy that Transvestite Gaga didn’t win, but my faith in the music industry finds no solace in this decision alone.  If I have learned anything by watching the Grammy’s, it’s this:  winning a Grammy, or just being nominated, is not a sign of talent, skill or worth — but mass appeal.  Other things with mass appeal: McDonalds, cigarettes and promiscuous sex.

To the unnamed artists who spend countless hours working on their music and truly deserve recognition they will never receive I want to say, thanks.  I, and others like me, truly appreciate the fruits of your labor and respect you immense talent.

Grammy’s aint shit.

‘Til next time,

Mr. Wolff

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Happy Friday everyone,

After Mr. Wolff’s scathing review of the movie Legion (which I wholeheartedly agree with), I started thinking about comic books that had sucked as mightily as Legion had. While I came up with a few, it was much easier to think of comic book characters that were as poorly conceived as that abomination of a movie. So, ladies and gentlemen, what follows is a list of the lamest characters ever created in comics, a tribute to the movie Legion.

Maggott– Most characters from the 1990’s were exempt from this list, as they have their own special 90’s crapiness vortex that they are stuck in. One exception to this rule is Maggot, a character so stupid earned a spot in the lameness hall of fame. This one time X-man had the amazing mutant power to control two robot slugs who would, get this: digest his food for him. He was also blue for some reason.

Stilt-man– Many technology based villains in comics can seem lame when they are no longer cutting edge. Klaw was cool, until holograms became common place. The Sentinels were scary until any 8 year old with an internet connection could build a cooler robot. However, Stilt-man was never cool. Ever. This is a character who decided the best way to commit a crime was to don a mechanical STILT SUIT. This is a character Jean Claude Van Damme would want to play in a movie.

Vibe– Back in the day, DC decided that they wanted to make the JLA cool, and take them from some big bad super team, to a team with street cred. The team was moved from space to Detroit, and given new, trendy members like Vibe. Now to look at Vibe, a gang member/Superhero/ bad Latino stereotype,  you might think, “Man, there is no way this guy was ever cool” And you know what? You are right. This guy was never cool, and to look at him almost sends me into an epileptic fit.

Extrano– Let me give you all a bit of what wikipedia has on Extrano:

“Outwardly resembling nearly every stereotype of a gay man, Extraño initially wore loose colorful garments and has a lively, jovial attitude. He refers to himself as “Auntie” and usually imparts parent-like advice to his teammates.”

He refers to himself as Auntie.

Hawk owl– Over the years, there have been scads of Batman clones/homages/pastiches/ rip-offs. Marvel had Nighthawk in the Squadron Supreme and Wildstorm had The Midnighter in The Authority. I guess that what makes Hawk-owl so egregious. If you have 70 years of Bat-continuity to either copy or make fun of (which Hawk-owl tries to do), It should be fairly easy to make an entertaining character. Ron Zimmerman managed to find a way to make Hawk-Owl so bad, that I actually liked Batman a little less afterwards.

The Floronic Man– If you wanted to take everything that was interesting and creative about Swamp Thing, and remove it from said character, you would get the Floronic Man.

Arm Fall off Boy– I know that the late 1960’s was a time of rampant drug use in our country, and comics were a much different beast back then. However, I can not imagine a time, place, or situation wherein having a dude that could have his extremities fall off would help anyone. Oh, DC, what were you thinking?

Skin– Another character from the 1990’s that I just had to mention, Skin has the amazing power of, wait for it, having lots of extra skin. Yup, his power is to look like an octogenarian’s face. I guess all the other powers were taken.

Big Bertha– This Great Lakes Avenger has the power to go from super hot model to she-whale. Really? That’s a power? If I ate at McDonald’s four times a day, I could have the same power.

Captain Ultra– I end with this guy. WTF?

Thanks for stopping in today folks. Stop by tomorrow for another exciting Geek of the Week column. See you then.

I fought demons once.  It was about four years ago after devouring the worst Pho of my life.  I went to the bathroom after feeling some rumbly-tumblies and what should happen?  A cascade of various ethereal antagonists poured from me like ghost from Spengler’s containment grid.  They taunted me, ridiculed me and smelled really bad.  So I bitch-slapped them with a bible, threw out a few hail-marys and allowed my heavenly stature to repel the hellspawn.  Then, just to spite the devil, I ate more of the Pho-nasty.

The experience I just described to you would make a far superior film than “Legion.”  So you know what we’re getting into here, watch the trailer:

[SPOILER WARNING (Though the only way to spoilt this would be to keep showing it in theaters)]

Now it should first be mentioned that Legion is not a demon movie.  The Exorcist, Exorcism of Emily Rose, Omen — those are demon movies.  Legion is more like a siege movie; think of Assault on Precinct 13, The Alamo or the end of Young Guns.  It’s less about scary demons and much more about a few stereotypes trapped in a diner with the world attacking them.  But ultimately the film fails at being a good siege film, miserably.

The characters are all ancillary — a feat that in and of itself is somewhat impressive.  I think the pregnant girl was supposed to be the lead, but in the way Ana Lucia was a “lead” in LOST, plenty of lines with out any real point.  I’m not going to go into too much detail about the various archetypes because there is nothing new to talk about.  They all suck. White trash, love-sick idiot.  White trash whore.  White trash drunk.  Crippled old black dude.  Young conflicted black dude trying to get his son.  Rich people.  That’s about it.

Point is this: you’ve got ten or so people trapped in a gas station diner in the middle of the desert, but somehow the thousands of demons can’t get inside.  Why?  I don’t know.  When the black-eyed buggers first arrive they are repelled by our cliche cast’s litany of automatic weapons and then, give up.  Yeah.  They’re like, “Well, fuck this.  He’s got guns!  There may be an infinite amount of us, but he’s got guns so let’s leave.”  It makes no sense at all.  Could they have kept coming until the diner was eventually overrun?  Yes.  But they didn’t, because if they did that the movie would be over and we’re in for another hour so of this tripe.

Some blabbering goes on in the diner about God being angry and wanting to end the world, but our hero Michael (played by the albino from The DaVinci Code), is going to stop him.  He’s going to stop God.  The God who made him.  The God who made everything.  Yeah.

Well, some other shitty-shit happens for no apparent reason like the prick in the suit who got his neck chewed on by grandma, well he shows back up, on a cross, hung upside down, with boils.  And when his dipshit wife runs out to get him, making a hole in the gas station defenses, he explodes and the boils throw acid all over Dillon from Alien 3 (“Only God can save you know, sistah!”), which was a bummer.

Then we learn that the demons aren’t demons, they’re angels.  Whoa.  Like Michael.  Yet for some reason these angels can’t come straight to Earth like Michael, they have to possess people and look super evil with small baby-shark teeth because Writer/Producer Peter Schink (who has never written a produced film) and Writer/Director Scott Stewart (Director of the Albino once more in the upcoming Priest) said so.

Anyways, the pregnant chick has her baby and the angels have to stop attacking because they can’t attack the baby once born.  I don’t know why.  It wasn’t a problem attacking and possessing little demon children with balloons earlier in the film, but apparently this kid is special.  Why is he special?  No fucking clue.  But he is.  Schink says so.

Gabriel, another archangel, like Michael, shows up with tin-foil wings and decides he’s gonna fuck Michael up.  So everyone else runs away and some hillbilly kid magically gets the same tattoos that Michael has while driving away.  Craziness!

Gabriel kills Michael.  Drunk dad blows up the gas station.  Demon/Angels burn.  Gabriel goes after white trash tattooed guy, mystical angel-stopping baby and single, mobile-home mom.  White trash doesn’t back down and is about to die when…  MICHAEL COMES BACK!  Crazy, right?!?  God realized he was wrong and brought Michael back to kill Gabriel, eve though Gabriel was just doing what he was told!  Damn!  God’s kind of a dick, huh?

Well hillbilly mom and dumbass take baby and hit the road — with a shitload of guns.  Apparently, even though God realized he was wrong, “it’s not over…”  Sequel?

The black guy from Transformers is in this, but I don’t know why.  He should fire his agent.  His agent is a dick.  I don’t know him, but he must be.

The washed up quarterback from “Any Given Sunday” was fine, but he kind of acted like he didn’t want to be in the movie.  Like he was drunk one night, signed something on accident and had to be in this steamy puddle of crap.  All the actors pretty much sucked.  The dialogue was the only thing worse than the acting.  No, the writing in general was the only thing worse than the acting.  Legion is a string of tangents, thrown together like the director worships DaDaism and only read three words from the Bible before deciding to down some Pepto and splatter this film all over America’s chest.

It really is that bad.  You can see it if you want, but I wouldn’t recommend it.  Just watch the trailer — it’s way better than the movie.  Or, better yet, see Book of Eli or rent Pandorum — both of which are great films, recently released.

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

Back to Semantink

Hey, kids! It’s Akatzen, bringing you another Book Report.

January is almost over, and as the first month of the decade draws to a close, I’d like to take a look at the top best-sellers at Barnes and Noble for January. I originally was going to take a look at the New York Times Bestseller List, but they divide it into the top 5 by categories, which would prove to be an awful long post. So I decided that the top sellers of a major chain would probably be an accurate representation of what most of America is reading this month. So here we go!

10. Worst Case by James Patterson

James Patterson novels proliferate the crime thriller genre the way low-calorie frozen foods hit supermarket shelves. There are a lot of them, there isn’t much to them, and ultimately, they just aren’t that good.
“But wait a minute, Akatzen,” you might say, “his novels consistently hit the ranks of bestseller, he’s written more than twenty novels in the past three years, including some for young adult readers, and some of those books have been turned into manga.“
Popularity, unfortunately, does not make a thing good simply because it is popular. Now, it’s not that Patterson’s stuff is bad, it’s just that after reading Stieg Larsson and Thomas Harris you are better able to determine who the masters of the craft really are. Compared to really good crime thriller, Patterson is mediocre, and only very occasionally does a good moment appear in one of his novels.

9. The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks

Nicholas Sparks is the guy that wrote The Notebook, which became the movie a guy has his wife watch when he’s too tired for foreplay but still wants to get laid. Sparks writes what I call “High-brow Romance” novels. The formula is: introduce a love story that stretches out the readers emotions, and then have something happen to make the reader cry. It’s probably why several of his books end up on film.

8. When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead

This novel for young adults has been getting good reviews as a taut mystery and amazing fantasy rolled into one, reminiscent of Madeline L’Engle’s A Wrinkle in Time series. I don’t know much more about it, but in an era of lame vampire novels and cheap Harry Potter ripoffs this sounds absolutely refreshing.

7. Percy Jackson and the Olympians box set by Rick Riordan

Speaking of Harry Potter ripoffs… Riordan’s series has managed to pick up young readers and hang onto them. The basic premise is that the gods of Olympus are alive and well in the present day. And they’ve continued their shenanigans, included mating with humans to spawn demigod children.
Harry Percy is an ordinary boy living an ordinary life until he finds out that his father is actually a wizard Posiedon, god of the sea (and earthquakes), and he is the only one able to stop the evil wizard Voldemort Titan Kronus.
Essentially, the novels sound like a modern day Clash of the Titans ripoff for young adults.

6. A Reliable Wife by Robert Goolrick

Goolrick’s debut novel is about a man and his mail order bride and the scheming, plotting, and loving they get into. Essentially, this book is a steamy bodice ripper with deep and dark psychological problems.

5. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold

Sebold’s novel keeps popping up on best-seller lists, and there is a good reason for it: The novel is excellent. The latest resurgence in popularity stems from the movie that just came out, directed by Peter Jackson, of The Frighteners and Braindead (released in America as Dead Alive) fame. Oh, and The Lord of the Rings.

4. Dear John by Nicholas Sparks

The movie is coming out in February (for Valentine’s Day of course), so a rise in popularity is expected.

3. The Help by Kathryn Stockett

Set in the sixties in Mississippi, the novel follows 3 women as they come together and work to redefine the social lines that keep them tied down. The book’s been getting good press, and looks worth a read.

2. Dear John by Nicholas Sparks

I hate when books release a new edition of the novel, only with a movie poster as the cover.

1. Game Change by John Heilemann and Mark Halperin

This book looked interesting, at first glance. It is touted as being a behind the scenes look at the major candidates in the last presidential election.
At second glance, it turns out that it is mostly gossipy reactions of people who worked on the election campaigns during key moments of the race. It’s news the way Entertainment Tonight is news: BFD.
Still, it is a balanced look at both political parties, which is a rare find when you look for election memoirs.
On the other hand, I’d call it a political book for the American Idol crowd. Thinking readers will want to go elsewhere.

Well, that’s it for this week (and month). See ya in February.
Still paddlin’ the old knew…
_-Akatzen-_