First of all, I wanted to let you all realize that I know what day this blog is released on, and that is not Wednesday, it’s Thursday.  Some of you have sent me emails explaining that Wednesday, not Thursday, is hump day due to it’s location in the work week.  I say to you:  You are dumb.  Hump Day is the day in the week when I, Mr. Wolff, hump things.  And I do mean hump; as in: I thrust my hips against something, banging my frontal nethers slamming upon an object in an often funny and sexually perverse manner.  I do this because there is something wrong with me.

Moving on…

We need to talk about Twilight.  Let me say that I have never seen the movie or read the books.  So, if you are the type of person that needs to catch herpes before thinking, “herpes sucks,” then please stop reading, as I will only be hurting your feelings.  I think Twilight is three things:  A creepy non-vampire pop-film, a bad book, and a terrible movie.  And I can think all three things without wasting my time or money to experience Twilight in any form.  Allow me to explain:

“A creepy, non-vampire pop-film ”

You should know that I come from the Anne Rice school of vampire mythology.  I have read the entire chronicles, their spin-offs and I devoured everything.  Also, I have experienced the joy/fear of Bram Stoker’s Dracula — a book that many claim to love, but few whom I have spoken to have actually read…  In exploring these and other sources, I believe that vampire mythology is loose enough to adapt amongst different writing styles, but there are universal truth’s that MUST be involved for a vampire to be a vampire: An aversion to sunlight, the desire to drink blood and pale-ish skin.  Everything else is arguable (stake to the heart, turning into fog or wolf and the whole coffin-bed thing seem arbitrary to some degree).  So here is my question to Twilight fans, and please, correct me if I am mistaken: Edward and his clan don’t eat humans, don’t have fangs and don’t die when in sunlight?  Then how in the hell are they to be considered vampires?  Oh, and here’s another one:  Since he’s obviously not a vampire, and seems to have the I-don’t-age superpower, would you still think the story was beautiful if Edward aged like normal?  A love story between an old man and a high school girl…  Creepy.

I know what many of you are thinking:  “It’s not about vampires!  It’s about love!  A love that transcends all boundaries!”  As long as he looks good, right?  I know all you little bastards wouldn’t think their kissing was hot if Edwards looked like he was 106 years old…  Well, some of you would, and there is a special level in Hell for you.

As a vampire story, Twilight is a pop-spin-off, at best.  As a love story, Twilight is creepy.  As a book or movie?

“a bad book”

Well, I’m going to let Stephen King describe it as a book, comparing it to the Harry Potter series: “Both Rowling (Potter) and Meyer (Twilight), they’re speaking directly to young people… The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good.”  That’s right.  Stephen King, the man behind mainstream horror doesn’t think Meyer can write.  And THAT is why I won’t be reading it, because Cujo’s dad says it’s not worth the time.

Need more?  Here.  And here.  Here you go.  There are more and you don’t have to look to hard to find them.

“a terrible movie”

As a film, let’s just use Rotten Tomatoes, they have a good standing with the film-going community and seem accurate, since they use several different reviewers.  I wonder what they think of Twilight?  49%.  What does that mean?  Well, here are some BAD movies rated higher than twilight:  Mission Impossible II, Hitch, Shanghai Knights, What Women Want, Just Like Heaven, Bounce, and, well, lots.  I can’t keep listing them because I’m getting depressed and I’m starting to feel like I’m kicking a very dead, not-vampire, terribly written, creepy-ass, badly reviewed– uh, horse.

Here are some quotes from the site, regarding Twilight:  “Dumbest vampire movie…ever;” “So this is what all the fuss is about?;” “Twilight is pure fantasy, emphasis on the pure… it’s a soft-focus reverie for girls who want to be Disney princesses and have their bad boys, too, as long as the bad boys are models of tormented self-restraint;” “If you’re a fan of the book, I’m so sorry;” “As lovers, these two are not convincing. They don’t produce enough of a spark to set off gasoline vapor.”  Wow.  Sounds great you guys.  Really.

To Close…

Now, I am not suggesting that this book doesn’t have an audience.  I know it does.  And people who like this book are still people; they are just stupider than the rest of us.  But that’s okay.  We should love them anyways and encourage the fact that they are reading at all.  Honestly, I’m surprised that the type of person who would appreciate such obvious trash, paid attention in school for long enough to learn the ways letter connect to make words, so kudos to them!  Maybe someday they’ll outgrow their training wheels and learn what talent looks like.  But for now, they remain like this:

Or this:

And they do regrettable things, like:

And they act like this:

Maybe you can see the error of your ways now and you’d like to know what to do.  Well, figure out what it is you thought you liked about Twilight (either the movie or the book) and then go find something good in that vein.  For example, did you love the “vampires”?  Then try Matheson’s I am Legend, (the book), or Neil Jordan’s Interview with a Vampire (the movie or the book, written by Anne Rice).  And if you liked the “supernatural love story between immortal and mortal beings,” swing over to HBO for True Blood.  Did you enjoy the “clashing of multiple mythologies”?  Try Ninness’s Mythoi.  Or maybe you just loved the “love story,” in which case you could try: Gone with the Wind, West Side Story, Romeo and Juliet, An Affair to Remember, or even Love Story.  For the readers: Wuthering Heights, The English Patient, True Believers, or The Thorn Birds.

If you still think Twilight “is like, the greatest,” then I want you to go out in to the woods and find a real vampire.  Hopefully, he eats you.

‘Til later, Mr. Wolff