Fall television is upon us.  There are several shows I am anticipating, like: Fringe, Sons of Anarchy, The Office and House — these are good shows.  They have things that good shows are made of like (real) actors, (good) directors, (original) concepts, and (solid) writing.  Programming like this is rare and should be appreciated by us, the public.  Now, on the other end of the spectrum, there are also shows that are missing one, or many of these components and they are more often than not the unfortunate byproduct of greedy producers or some talentless celebrity ego.  We shouldn’t hate these programs, but pity them.  Think of shows like these as kindly as you would a midget-clown: They may be entertaining when you’re high or really, really bored, but it’s also sad because you know that this is as good as they were ever meant to be.  Need some examples?  How about Cavemen?  Or The Jerry Springer Show??  Or (and here’s something modern) Lawman with Steven Seagal?!?  No world, don’t scorn them, but love the little retarded shows and wish them the best during their fatefully meandering lives.

Now there is another type of show deserving of our loathing.  These shows are rare and seem designed to give the public the middle finger, make us sit on it, and then spin us around like a tornado of shame and regret.  I’m here today to tell you that it is not your fault!  We were deceived!  These programs find ways into our hearts and imaginations and then, once they’ve settled in, comforted by our love and affection, they rip off their pants and begin running around, sh*tting in their hands and throwing it onto the walls of our mind!  The example, in case you couldn’t guess by the title of this blog, is Heroes.

When Heroes premiered on September 25, 2006, I was enamored.  I fell totally and completely in love.  Watching these “ordinary” people manifest their powers and come to terms with their abilities in various ways enthralled me.  I found Mohinder’s quest for his father heart-warming.  Hiro’s obsession with comic books connected with me.  I even felt some sort of bond with Nathan and Peter Petrelli — the brothers whose love seemed seperated only by their individual passions and priorities.  I fell so hard and fast for Heroes that I didn’t mind its almost blatant ripping-off of Watchmen villainy (destroying a city to untie a world).  Almost.  Right then and there I realized that something was wrong…  But, like any good addiction, I shrugged off my worries and kept playing with what I knew in the back of my head would ultimately betray me.  Season one ended after two breaks that seemed endless, and I sighed with wonder as the first few moments of “Volume 2″ were teased about my eyes.

Then Bryan Fuller left the show.  For those of you who don’t know, Bryan Fuller was the brilliant mind behind Season One’s greatest episode, “Company Man.”  Well, Bryan left Heroes and went off to create his own show (that was brilliant in its own right), Pushing Daisies.  This show would eventually get cancelled because viewers are stupid, but that’s another blog…

Well, Season Two was a clusterf*ck of terrible.  With Fuller gone, the WGA strike in full swing and a group of writers that couldn’t save Lucas’s last three Star Wars movies, the show plummeted.  The original plotline which was meant to show the release of a deadly virus and the end of all things beautiful (somebody read 80s X-Men), was cancelled, and instead the Heroes united to stop the release of the virus and saved the world.  What else sucked?  Well, the brother y sister combinacion that kept Sylar busy and boring were super-lame.  And then there was Micah’s cousin who could do anything she saw, but  never really did anything greater than some gymnastics.  Oh, and Hiro was stuck in time with the white guy from Alias who, to be fair, was quite entertaining.  The whole thing felt jumbled and ill-conceived, like the way babies are made when two drunk hicks get together in the South.  And, like those unfortunate, redneck offspring, the show seemed destined for mediocrity…

Then Season Three came, titled: Villains!  “Villains?”  How cool!  Silar was finally gonna start wrecking house!  I couldn’t wait to see how he would mame other “heroes,” steal their powers and use them to wreck more heroes!  At this point, I figured that if the Heroes were gonna be such letdowns, I would start rooting for the bad guy!  Then Silar became a good guy.  It was at this moment that I stopped feeling pity for Heroes.  Up to this point I felt like the show was suffering, but tryng it’s best to be entertaining — salvaging what it could in the wake of Fuller’s departure.  That stopped here.  Let me ask Heroes writers this:  Who in the hell thought turning Sylar into one of the good guys was a good idea?  Which of those knuckle-headed, helmet-wearing droolers thought that they could save the show by turning it’s greatest asset into a giant vagina?!  Huh?  Who did it?  Well Heroes writing staff, if you know who, I highly reccomend you warn the world so that we can keep this “writer” away from anything else with the remote potential to be great.  Because at that moment, when you paired Sylar with HRG, I hated you.  That was the last straw. I know he got evil again, but that’s like kissing a man after you rape him — too little, too late.

Let me put it another way:  Season One felt like I met a beautiful girl at the park.  She was checking me out.  I was digging on her.  So, as things happen, we started dating and things were beautiful.  Sure, she told jokes that I had heard before, but she was so beautiful and full of grace, that I laughed like I had never heard the humor before.  We kissed every once and a while, and on really good nights, we made love.  It was beautiful because it wasn’t just about the sex.  No, this was true love.  But then Season Two came and she changed — my beautiful park girl started saying things that didn’t make sense like, “ansillary emphasis,” and “obvious exposition as a lack of talent,” but I tried not to worry.  She was still my girl, even though I saw her making eyes at other guys every once and a while…  Then, some nights, my beautiful girl would jump me and it would have been rape if I didn’t want it — but the romance was gone.  It was still sex and when that happened it was good, but not as spiritual as it once was.  I tried to love her, but she was just so less into me…  And finally, Season Three arrived — I prepared a beautiful dinner with candles and music in honor of my loves arrival.  I hoped that she would return to me as when I had first met her, in Season One.  I had hoped that she had gotten over her Season Two phase, but I was wrong…  She came into the room, ignoring me when I said “hi.”  Then she ripped off her clothes, revealing a giant penis shaped like dollar bills and chased me around the room with it, shouting out obscenities that would make Satan blush.  It was horrifying.  But eventually, she left.  In a few weeks however, she’s coming back…

Heroes, Season Four starts on September 21, 2009.  Bryan Fuller still isn’t back, though apparently he did help create some of the story arc.  What will happen next?  I don’t know.  I don’t really care to be honest.  At this point I can relate to those crazy drug-addict bums on the side of the road asking for money, when they really want drugs.  They know it’s bad for them.  And they know that you know they’re full of sh*t when they ask for money for “food.”  I still love Heroes because it COULD be so good.  I watch in hope that my love will return.  But deep down inside, I know it’s bad for me.  I know it’s unhealthy to live that way.  But like a woman, beat by her husband, I take it because I live in the hopes that one day, the love will be back and all will be well with the world.

There’s always HBO.

Mr. Wolff.