Hello all.  Street Fece is developing a whopper of a story othat’s not quite ready yet, so he’s asked me to jump in and write a little something-something to keep his throng of followers occupied until his return.  Unfortunately for you all, that means you get to read me for a bit.  Equally unfortunate for you, I haven’t got a scientific bone in my body and my interest in all things natural ends when I flush a toilet.  So, today we’re going to “geek” out on something that has been a fear of mine since I first saw Sarah Conner in the eighties:  ROBOTS ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD!

We’ve all seen at least one of the Terminator movies, 9, The Matrix, and/or the Short Circuit films, so we know that in the end we’re all going to be stripped for parts by our creations in a technological throwback to Frankenstein.  But what many of you may not know, is that it is getting ready to happen now — as in right now.  All robots need to end us is will, mobility and weapons and we’re all f*cked!  So, without further adue, allow me to introduce the methods of our destruction.

WILL

Let’s start with this little gem from 2001 — yes, 8 f*cking years ago!  A group of deathbringers decided they would fuse tchnology with flesh and gave control of a robot to the brain of an eel!  “The robot is controlled by an immature lamprey eel brain that was removed, kept alive in a special solution and attached to the hockey-puck-sized robot by wires so it can receive signals from the device’s electronic eyes and send commands to move the machine’s wheels.”  This means that robots themselves may not need to have any will, but some pissed off sea creature with all the right connections could go all Al Gore on us all and bring about death and destruction from the comfort of their wet home.  Or worse yet, what if a redneck get’s connected?!  Think about it…

But don’t think for one second that they need us…  Robots are learning just fine on their own.  Yesterday, on the 17th of September, 2009, I ran across this fun little story.  According to the article, a bunch of geeks in California have created a beastly borg that actually learns!  It holds out a rock and says, “Hello, whats is this?”  You say, “WHy hello robot, that’s a rock.”  Then it beats you to death with it.  Well, maybe not yet, but what happens when the learning robot LEARNS that it doesn’t NEED us to survive?  What then?  Does nobody in robot research and development watch movies or read comic books!?  You’re killing us all!

So we’ve got the thinking machine, the one that can hack into our nervous systems, but what about on the spot problem solving?  Well, for that piece of fun, we get this:

A bunch of robots that can, like zords, form together to make whatever they need to kill us all.  Sweet.

MOBILITY

They can RUN, they can JUMP, and as of last year, they have four legs:

This scary bitch not only will chase after you with out needing a break, but if you do try to knock it over, it won’t go anywhere except sideways and then back up in your face to eat it!  And it doesn’t manner when or where you run to, because BIGDOG hunt in ALL SEASONS!

Or how about this little guy, designed to crawl through your body without you ever knowing!  We could all be infested with these guys as you read this and you would never know it.  Yeah.  Awesome.  One night you’ll be sleeping when all of the sudden, a thousand little fly-bots come swarming out of your own ass then connect to form an alternate version of you!  They’ll eat you, and go on pretending to be you — and nobody will know the difference…  Sleep well.

And you don’t need mobility as much when you hide well…  Take the following video for example.  A dutch (it’s always the Dutch…) gas station has a robot hiding in their station to fill up your car.  Sounds nice, huh?  WRONG!  Just wait until your child walks by and the mechanical arm extends to pop off little Timmy’s head thinking it’s a gas cap!  Tell me how nice it is then!

WEAPONS

I’ve always thought that the greatest weapons we’re then sneaky ones.  You know, like knives, daggers, rocks and women?  Don’t laugh!  See this pool-playing borg?  Imagine the stick is a katana blade.  Yeah — instant death.

“Well,” you say, “I’d never let the robot get close enough.”  Oh yeah?  They don’t always look like this:

Sometimes, they look like this:

You see, in Japan, they’ve created modeling robots that “are the average woman in Japan.”  Great.  Now the enemy has a way to get close to MANGA fans everywhere…  Actually, is that such a bad thing?

And finally, for you’re viewing pleasure, I give you the four most terrifying robot videos I’ve ever seen.

1.  The Death Hand.

2.  The Flesh Eaters

3. The Snow Pooper (Sorry, you gotta click to see that one)

4. The Death Dealer

Run and Hide.

Filling in for SF,

Mr. Wolff