Let me first say thank you to James who, despite being a complete idiot for enjoying heroes, has put out one of the best comic books I’ve read in some time (and yes, I’m told to say that, but I do mean it).  For all of you hesitant in purchasing MYTHOI, don’t be — it’s the real deal.  James however, is a moron.  Moving on…

This weekend is the first annual Long Beach Comic Convention.  Ben (my boss) has decided to take James (the schmuck) with him this year…  That’s fine.  The rest of us didn’t want to go anyways.  Conventions are stupid.  All those talented writers and artists, the hot women in skimpy, character outfits, and the breaking entertainment news — who cares about that stuff?  *sigh

So, today we’re going to discuss (and by “discuss” I mean I am going to observe, judge and ridicule) the five types of people James and Ben are guaranteed to see this weekend and at every comic con ever.

1. Jedis who look more like Jabbas.

To be clear, I’m not saying that these protectors of the universe are fat (though they do tend to be), but what I’m saying is they look like anything but Jedis!  I’ve seen all three Star Wars movies and neither Luke, nor Darth ever appeared in any way similar to the pudgy, old, bifocaled weirdos I see at conventions.  Whenever I complain about this fact my friends always defend the not-quite-metachlorine-filled bastards with, “leave ‘em alone, their just having fun!”  Fun?  Really?  Then I suppose it would be okay with you if I dressed up in a red cocktail dress, called myself Santa and had sex with a dog in front of some prestigious hotel?!  Because that’s the type of fun that these awkward, bastards are having at my expense!  They have taken something dear to me  and don it as if they ever had the right…  No!  Enough is enough! I’m sorry that you never made anything substantial out of your life and that your adopted (I know you’re a virgin) children hate you because you say tried coaching them through life with sayings like, “use the force,” and, “I find your lack of faith disturbing,” but for the love of all things sacred stop dressing up like you are the knights of Lucas’s wet-dream!

If I had a son and took him to a comic convention I would demand he close his eyes each and every time we passed by one of you assholes because you’d only give him nightmares about Luke getting old, fat and pathetic.  You know what you people are?  You’re like the movie HOOK for Star Wars.  You’re a reminder of how unfortunate make-believe is, because at the end of the day, when the fiction is done, we don’t get light sabers and mind powers — we get wrinkles, hemorrhoid cream and cancer spots.

This video has nothing to do with Comic Con and is as old as the internet, but damn it’s funny.

2. “Look at me!  This is funny!”  No.  It’s sad.

I’m willing to admit I don’t know everything about comics, vinyl toys, movies, anime, or manga.  But some of the sh*t you attention whores are willing to wear in order to get somebody to look at or, *gasp, maybe even take a picture with you, is f*cking pathetic.  For some of you, Comic Conventions are the few times a year where your penis has the possibility for fun times, but you seem hell-bent on breaking the will of your mini-man-muscle before you even gave it a chance.

“But Mr. Wolff,” you might say, “It’s not all about sex!  We do this to express ourselves, or to show our care, love and adoration of a certain character!”  Okay.  Fine.  But maybe, just maybe you could find a way to spread your love without losing your pride?  YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT! Not the funny kind of idiot, but the oh my god, that-guy-would-juggle-babies-if-he-thought-people-would-watch kind of idiot.  Don’t believe it can be that bad?

3. Star Trek Fans serious enough to scare a Vulcan.

When it comes to the battle inherent between Star Wars and Star Trek, I’ve always landed on the side of The Force.  Though I’ll be the first to admit that at comic conventions it’s never the jedis who scare me (they just make me angry), it’s the Trekkies.  You see, to these pointy eared bastards, cosplay isn’t a game, most of them dress like they’re in Federation employ on normal days.  Comic conventions are just a way for them to congregate.  Think of them like drag queens…  Most hours of the week, they shave their legs, tuck their balls and throw more make-up on their face than a clown on cocaine.  Gay bars are just a place where they can be surrounded by fellow shims.  Trekkies are the same way.  Exactly the same way.

Trekkies are drag queens.

4. Asians (or Americans who wish they were Asian) wearing anime costumes you’ve never heard of.

Now, from what I understand, I should know some of these costumes.  Well, that doesn’t say much for those wearing them.  If I do know the characters they are dressing up as, then they are doing a pretty sh*t job of disguising themselves.  Even more likely however, I have never heard of these characters because they are MANGA or ANIME and I do not like either.  Yeah.  That’s right.  All I see is the same thing every time: kid with big hair and an even bigger weapon running around in brightly colored clothing and usually wearing at least one piece of clothing that stands out obnoxiously from the rest.

Regardless, you all look dumb.

5. Hot Girls.  Yeah, I know…

It may be hard to believe but there are attractive women at comic conventions.  I’ll admit that the hottest ones are usually there because they’ve been paid to be, but every once in a while we geeks get lucky and meet up with a nerdy hot chick just begging to let her freak flag fly!  Finding these women isn’t hard because they usually have a crowd of slobbering, pasty, fat, bearded men circling them like hyena’s ready to eat a limping gazelle.  Though getting their attention often is…  So while you may look forward to looking at these fine specimens, plan on loving them only in the form of your hand and your memories.

So have fun with all the losers Ben and James!

…and the hot girls…

*sigh

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff