Happy Halloween! This is going to be another post with a lot of pictures of unique costumes. I love how Halloween has become a way for girls to try and see who can wear the sluttiest costume. Sorry I won’t be posting any of those photos but I’m sure if you head over to SlumSpace or FaceKrook and see a whole bunch of these types of photos. For this assortment of costume goodness I wanted to only post costumes that made me laugh out loud .

Here are some great little chillin costumes.

Funny Pet Costumes: Animals are funny. They can have a look of so much attitude and when you pair that together with a funny costume the results are just amazing.

And these just made me go WTF? I don’t know what these people were thinking. Adults are definitely not as funny as the above. All I know is that I am glad someone had the sense to take a photo and post it to the web. The last photo is one that, well, maybe the parents got a call from CPS when this photo made it to the web.

Well until next week. I should have something Geeky. Have fun and be safe this Halloween and would someone please tell her to stop touching that!

LOLLIPOPS!

Greetings folks!

Happy Halloween eve, also known as the last day to find a costume before clothespins, towels, and paper bags constitute a superhero outfit. Now, as we all know, Halloween is great for one single, solitary reason. trick-or-treating. Sure, you could look back into antiquity and glean the reasoning behind Halloween, but none of those old traditions involved fun-sized Snickers bars, so whats the point?

Ah, trick-or-treating, the beautiful practice of begging in disguise. As a child I recall hoping that I would get more treats (Butterfingers and Skittles) than tricks (strychnine-laced Milky Ways, or even worse, smarties) . It is with the glorious convention of trick-or-treating in mind that I offer up your current blog. We have all read a comic book, expecting very little and being treated to a pleasant surprise. On the flip-side, we have all been looking forward to a book, only to be tricked by the hype, and received a 22 page crap-fest. The following is a list of a few tricks and treats from my funny-book reading youth that I would like to share with you all. Enjoy!

The Authority demand peanut butter cups! NOW!

TREAT: The Authority– In 1999, Wildstorm launched the Authority. All I knew was that Warren Ellis had written STORMWATCH, which had sucked, and Bryan Hitch had drawn a rather crappy rendition of the X-men a few years earlier in X-MEN PRIME. I was expecting the book to be “meh” at best, but there was a woman in it who appeared to be naked under a thin layer of liquid metal, so I gave it a shot. Boy, did I make the right decision. The book was filled with sardonic wit and wide-screen action. There were heroin-addict superheroes, man-on-man love superheroes, mean English superheroes, and most importantly, almost-naked-but-for-a-thin-layer-of-liquid-metal superheroes. This book was truly an unexpected treat.

The Ultimates race towards an impending sugar coma.

TRICK: Joe Mad on  The Ultimates 3– I loved Joe Mad’s X-men in the mid-nineties. He single-handedly kept me interested in the X-franchise, heck, he even made Maggot look cool. MAGGOT! So, when Marvel announced that Joey M would be drawing the third chapter of THE ULTIMATES, I got all geeked out. I mean, Maduriera makes everything look cool, for example:

Like Beevis, this man demands TP for his, um, weird light thingie? Never Mind.

This had “slam dunk” written all over it. But then, issue #1 came out, and tears set in. Joe’s art had gotten, well, mushy. The figures, always exaggerated, had become distended-looking and sad. Whoever colored the art, didn’t do Joe Mad any favors either. This was a trick par suck-u-lance.

Under his cape, Stryfe is hiding a cornucopia of charms blow-pops.

TREAT: X-cutioners song– There was a time when Marvel put together a X-crossover just about every year, and it was getting old. Inferno was lacking. Fall of the Mutants was anti-climactic. Extinction Agenda had a bunch of men in happy-face robo-suits. Then came X-cutioner’s song. I was expecting yet another sad excuse to get everyone with an X on their clothes together, but what I got was so much more.The pictures were glorious in every chapter, featuring art by Jae Lee, Greg Capullo, Andy Kubert, and Brandon Peterson. The story was engaging throughout, and actually tied up subplots that had been dangling about for years. This x-over was a true treat.

Gummy Bears or else.

The Midnighter fears for his dental health, while the engineer is transforming into a giant toothbrush.

TRICK: Grant Morrison coming to Wildstorm– When Wildstorm announced that Grant Morrison would be writing WildC.A.T.s and THE AUTHORITY, my heart skipped a beat. When it was announced that Jim Lee would be drawing the cats and Gene Ha would be working on The Authority, I started drooling. Both comics then released one issue and haven’t been seen or heard from since. The trick was on the fans.

In Tranquility, every day is Halloween.

TREAT:Welcome to Tranquility– I picked this book up because of the writing of Gail Simone. The concept of a town full of old, retired, superfolks didn’t really appeal to me, but I figured I would give it a shot. What I got was a spectacular story, filled with fun characters, tongue-in-cheek jokes, and zombies. The art by Neil Googe was brilliant as well.

I wanted to make a Halloween joke, but I have no idea what’s going on in this pannel.

TRICK: Steampunk– Joe Kelly was a writer on the rise. Chris Bachalo had been great for years. Steampunk is always a fun genre. Add the three together, and instant gold right? Wrong. Bachalo’s art was an overcrowded mess that took me right out of the story, which wan’t that great to begin with. Shame, guys, shame.

For Mars Bars!

TREAT: Walter Simonson’s Thor– When I was in high school, I started trolling back-issue bins to augment my comic acumen. I came across an issue of THOR which featured a frog dressed up as the God of lightning, and figured, I’d give it a shot (after all, an encyclopedic knowledge of Norse mythology could only increase my popularity at High school). Little did I realize that I would be picking up one of the greatest comic book runs of all time. Walter Simonson was perfect in his time on THOR, providing a heavy dose of mythology, action, drama, and great art. Thank you Walter, for the soul Snickers.

“My armor tastes like suck. Try it!”

TRICK: Onslaught– This big bad was build up for the better part of the year. Who was Onslaught? How was he so powerful? What was he planning? Onslaught was a mystery, wrapped in a riddle, coated in enigma. I wanted to meet this onslaught character, and watch him kick @$$. Then, Onslaught was revealed, in all his red and purple sadness. He wasn’t even a real person, just a bunch of stray Professor X thoughts. What a letdown.

I want children, just so they can dress up as darklings for Halloween.

TREAT: Darkness– This is a book that seemed ripe to be over-hyped. I knew that Mark Silvestri made pretty pictures, and that Garth Ennis wrote disturbing and funny stories. I also knew that Top Cow stories tended to drift, letting the art keep people interested (see WITCHBLADE). So, while I expected to enjoy THE DARKNESS, my sights weren’t set too high. However, this book exceeded expectations on every level, and the story was even engaging (for a while, until Garth left). I have no problem admitting, I love me some darklings.

Due to a lack of Mounds, Spidey gnaws on gravestones instead.

TRICK: Spider-man:Reign– I should start by saying that I actually enjoyed this book. Why, then, is it listed as a trick, you ask? The reason is the hype machine this book rode into town on. Kaare Andrew’s Spider-opus was supposed to be an answer to THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS, but just wound up being a kinda forgettable spider-story. The art was Frank Miller-esque, but any time your main character kills his wife with irradiated sperm, the story is bound to be a disappointment. If someone had billed this story as “Crazy old Spider-man has poisonous sex, and theres a whole lot of Venom” this story could have been a treat.

That’s it for my tricks and treats, go out there and get those last minute costumes folks! Thanks for stopping in and have a safe and Happy Halloween.

In case you didn’t know, Halloween is around the corner.  Companies everywhere are throwing out darker marketing designs, pumpkin flavored whatevers, or spook-tastic experiences — even blogs are caught up in the costumed madness with every other one highlighting something between “The Worst Joker Costmes Ever” and “100 Best Pumpkin Carvings.”  I’ve racked my enormous and beautiful mind for days trying to figure out exactly what my 2009-Blog-Before-Halloween would be and you know what I figured out?  Nothing.  Most things have been said, done or written almost as good as I could do already.  So, in keeping with the popular-costume model, while rubbing shoulders with the comics and/or pop culture design of this site I present to you a little nugget on one of the greatest villains of all time: Catwoman.

Yes, please.

The great Bob Kane and one of his cohorts, Bill Finger, created the whip-bearing cat-burglar in Spring of 1940 as an antithesis for Batman, though at that time she was known only as The Cat.  The chemistry between the beautiful putty-tat and the campy man-bat was instant and has endured through time to represent true love on opposite sides of the law.  Catwoman was ranked #11 in IGN’s Top 100 Comic Book Villains Of All Time List as well as #51 on Wizard magazine’s “100 Greatest Villains of All Time” list.

I could go into the mysterious amnesia/flight attendant/prostitute/abused history of Catwoman, but that wouldn’t be much of a rant now, would it?  So instead, I’m going to focus on two things here: First and foremost I would like to address the unfounded and hopeful rumors that Catwoman will be a player in the next installment of Nolan’s Batman series.  Second, I hope to give some advice to the would-be pussycat theives creating a costume for a party in the upcoming weekend.

Catwoman = sexuality.  There is no way to get around that fact.  If Catwoman isn’t hot then she’s not Catwoman.  Now, in the Adam West TV series, Catwoman was played by three lovely ladies:  Julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether, and Eartha Kitt.  Each of them bringing a little something special to the role but all of them making pants tight for the male demographic.  I know that there is more to the woman than a pair of gigantic, enormous and well proportioned high heels; she is also very smart, physically in tip-top shape and damaged goods to the FUBAR degree.  That’s right, if you’re going to play her right you better be mentally unstable and all flavors of crazy because the Catwoman we all love is nowhere near normal.

Julie

Lee

Eartha

Let’s do a quick comparison, shall we?  Michelle Pfeiffer or Halle Berry?  If you said Halle Berry then you should go watch Monsters Ball until you masturbate to death.  For those of us with taste who said Pfeiffer, let’s find out why…  Catwoman the movie sucked, but I’m going to attempt comparing only the characters so bear with me.  Pfeiffer was absolutely bat-shit (pun intended) out of her mind.  She loved Bruce Wayne, she lusted for Batman, she wore a fantastically redesigned vinyl costume and seemed to know she was nuts.  Berry wasn’t even Selina Kyle (tsk-tsk), thought she was cool, not crazy, and had absolutely no interaction with Batman whatsoever.  Okay, so maybe I can’t do a fair character-to-character comparison without the movies getting involved, but hopefully you picked something out of that metaphorical mess.  The point is this: To be Catwoman you have to be more than sexy, you have to be nuts.  That’s it.  Don’t try to be sexy like Halle Berry is sexy (and for the record, she is sexy), but sexy like Rose Mcgowan is sexy — the kind of sexy that you would never ever hang out with, the kind of sexy that makes you nervous and the kind of sexy that would burn down and Abercrombie and Fitch store out of sheer boredom.

Who do I think should be Catwoman if Nolan uses her?  For years I’ve been in the Jolie camp, but that’s the problem: it’s been years.  Angelina is getting older and while I still wouldn’t kick her out of bed, I’m not sure she has quite the required sexiness to pull off Catwoman.  Though, I’ll be the first to admit she’s got crazy down…

I saw this in Tijuana…

I’ve been hearing rumors that Megan Fox wants a piece of this action as well.  My response?  No f*cking way.  You have to be a lot more than beautiful to play Catwoman with any sort of chutzpah — you have to be an actress.  Megan Fox is not an actress.  She’s played Shia’s girlfriend and a boy-eating demon, which is kind of the same thing anyways…  Megan would make a great piece of art because art doesn’t talk, move, make sounds or change.  From what I can tell (here, here, and here) Megan Fox is a lucky piece of gutter trash with a pretty face who happened to be in the right place at the right time.  She also has nice legs.  And boobs.  And butt.

Model? Maybe. Actress? HAHAHA…

So what we need is an actress who can act, play crazy, be hot, and show proper respect to one of the greatest female characters ever created.  How about these?

I know she’s already Black Widow, but would it suck to see here it tight black outfits twice?

Hey look! She aleaready has the outfit!

Give her a whip and leave us alone…

Or poison Ivy…

If she laid there for the whole movie dressed in black, it would be fine.

Now for the second (and more pertinent) order of business:  Dressing up like Catwoman this year.  If you’ve read anything I’ve ever written on this site then you know how I feel about cosplay, but as a refresher here is my motto:  If you can then do, if you can not then don’t try.  So here are three simple rules to keep your disguise from suck:

1.  If you don’t look like Selina Kyle you won’t look like Catwoman. I’m sorry to those of you with more body than an F-150 but you need to hear this from someone: Catwoman isn’t fat.  If you weigh anything starting with the number two or higher then you shouldn’t be doing this.  Instead, why don’t you go out dressed as the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, then we all win.

Don’t make this real…

Better for chub-chubs.

2. Be Catwoman, not a cat. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this happen.  Some slutty sorostitute throws on a kitty costume with less matrial than her lingerie and walks around with a whip calling herself “Catwoman.”  No.  Catwoman is not a slut — we wish she was, but she’s not.  Be sexy, not stupid.

Cat. Woman. Lame.

Catwoman. Awesome.

3. Play the f*cking part! You’ve got the body, you’ve got the outfit, now act like it godammit!  Be nutty, say things that make the room go quiet!  Scratch girls’ boyfriends!  Bend over for no reason at all and by the end of the night steal something!  You’re f*cking Catwoman!

Freaky = Magnificent.

That’s it kids.  Have fun this weekend.  Don’t be safe and above all get some “treats.”  And as a final guideline for you Catwomen out there, if some stupid b*tch gets up in your face ’cause your in character and she’s a hoe, SLAP HER!  Catwoman is many things but one thing she’s not is a pussy.

Mr. Wolff

Sgt. Angle reporting for duty!

In keeping with my cohorts’ ongoing obsession with all things Halloween (jack-o-lanterns, the right costumes and the wrong ones, and spooky special editions of our favorite comic-book heroes), I shall present to you a gathering of the obscure and the obscene, a gallery of the nasty and the terrible, and a smothering of grim effects with a dashing of pleasurable points of interest. But rather than give you the obligatory “scary movies list” consisting of Alien, Rosemary’s Baby, The Exorcist (or The Exorcist III), Psycho, Friday the Thirtieth, Nightmare on blah blah blah, take a gander at a few other frightening films. For kids.

First, Little Red Riding Hood and the Monsters.

Oh, the FX work! Stunning. Instant classic brought to you by K. Gordon Murray, who also brought you Shanty Tramp.

Who else but an adult film producer would know how to reach out to kids about Little Red Riding Hood and her journey through the gauntlet of monsters? Only this guy could do it:

Rico Suave.

But look, this isn’t the place to complain about pedostaches kids movies or “adult” movies. Let’s move on to discuss the best costumes you can possibly pick this Halloween, or any Halloween, while you gather with friends and loved ones and watch creepy exploitation movies which were made for kids. There are two kinds of costumes: The recognizable flair — your Batman, Superman, Spider-man, Catwoman, WonderWoman (please don’t unless you can), etc. — and then the more obscure references. Let’s go for the flair first:

There’s always time for love.

The Au-Naturale. Inspired by some great actresses over the decades, actresses who repeatedly become great assets to their films. I’m talking Kate Winslet, Diane Lane, Sharon Stone. Come to think of it, just plop on a short white dress and halfway through your Halloween fright-night, let the beaver loose. You’re still IN COSTUME, technically. Oh, and Dudes, you too can wear the ultimate embarrassment moneysaver costume as that naked guy from An American Werewolf in London.

Want creepy? Okay, how about the reference to one of the most eerie film classics of all time, Fritz Lang’s “M”. Released in 1931, the film tells the story of a German city with a child-murderer on the loose. Since the police can’t seem to get the job done and catch the killer, a group of criminals hunt the man on their own, in order to restore the usually lax police force. The Killer is played by Peter Lorre, who is branded with an M in chalk on his back shoulder at a late point in the movie, thus forever marked as child killer, and forever hunted. Go for it, you’ll have a story to tell. And probably some bruises to nurse when your night is cut short by a proud parent.

For the ladies, you want to get creepy you can wear the white dress and carry around a dead rabbit, a la Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Or, make it simple and see if you can pull of the human disgrace Winehouse.

So good, I can’t look. Seriously.

Which brings us to heroes. You need a costume that will restore faith in mankind, you need to be sure you pick one of the most beloved heroes of ALL-TIME. James Bond is so yesterday. Indiana Jones has become too legendary. Luke Skywalker is just a cartoon. No, you need the ultimate in good-guys who will take on the world for his city, his community, and his children. You need the Atticus Finch.

Lookit that suit, the scraggly hair, the thick-framed glasses. It’s a recognizable appearance, heroic in its’ modesty. It’s no wonder that he is the number one hero in cinematic history, in no less a masterpiece than To Kill a Mockingbird.

Be a hero this Halloween.

Be Atticus Finch.

Until next time,

Sgt. Angle

Good Morning folks!

Less than a week until Halloween rears it’s ugly (albeit costumed) head, and today I thought I would talk a little bit about Jack-O– lanterns. What would Halloween be without massacring a poor, defenseless squash? The answer, of course, is lame. That’s right, without a large helping of defaced gourds, Halloween would loose a much of its panache. I like to think of Jack-O-lanterns as Halloween flair.

While all Jack-o-lanterns are, not all chopped-up, hollowed out cucurbitas are created equal. Some people have elevated Jack-o-lanterning into an art, and I want to share that art with you today. Enjoy!

COMIC-LANTERNS:

JACK-O-MOVIES:

CUTE AND CUDDLY PUMPKINS:

POLITICAL LUMINARIAS:

Ladies and gents, that’s it for today. Oh, and keep your eyes peeled here on the site, we have some big changes on the way.

Thanks for stopping in, see you tomorrow!

Happy Sunday all!

With Halloween just a week away, I thought I would keep my blogs centered around the upcoming Holiday, so today’s Spotlight will focus on a character that’s always popular around this time of year: Batman. Now, I could spotlight the Bat all by himself (heck, one day I might), but a mini-series named THE LONG HALLOWEEN just seemed ripe for the spotlight given the time of year.

BATMAN: THE LONG HALLOWEEN (BTLH) was a 13 part mini-series put out by DC comics in 1996 and 1997, written by Jeph Loeb, with art by Tim Sale. The story was the second time the creative team had worked together on Batman, the first being a three issue mini-series titled BATMAN: HAUNTED KNIGHT, a Batman version of A CHRISTMAS CAROL. BTLH lead to a sequel mini-series titled BATMAN: DARK VICTORY, and was credited as a source of material for the script to the most recent Batman movie, “The Dark Knight”.

THE LONG HALLOWEEN focuses on Batman early on his crime fighting career. In terms of continuity, the story picks up shortly after the BATMAN: YEAR ONE storyline, written about ten years earlier. The story is broken up into 13 chapters, with each chapter taking place on a different holiday. Both the first and last chapters take place (as you might have guessed) on Halloween.

THE LONG HALLOWEEN is first and foremost a murder mystery. In each issue Batman confronts a threat from his rogues gallery as well as trying to solve the mystery of the Holiday Killer before he/she can strike again. The series also depicts the transformation of Harvey Dent from Gotham City District Attorney into Scarred criminal.

The Gotham city depicted in BTLH is still mostly run by the mob, not by super-villains. When the series begins, the Falcone family is perceived by Batman as the largest threat to the city. A large subplot throughout the story is the decline of organized crime in Gotham, and the rise of super-crime.

Like any murder mystery, there are a plethora of suspects that might be the Holiday Killer. The killer uses a light weight gun with a baby-bottle nipple as a silencer and the serial number filed off of the gun. The killer leaves the murder weapon and a Holiday themed souvenir at each crime scene. The light weight gun leaves doubt as to the killer’s gender, and the killer’s targets point would be detectives in a number of directions.The only constant in the murders is that they are all mob related.

Jeph Loeb writes a Batman that is still learning on the job. The Batman seen in THE LONG HALLOWEEN is still unsure of who to trust, and unsure of himself. Loeb also puts a lot of work into flushing out the dynamic between a young Bats, Jim Gordon, and Harvey Dent, showing each man’s approach to fighting crime. Each super villain is also given a rather unique voice, with The Mad Hatter spewing lines from “Alice in Wonderland” and the Scarecrow crooning lullabies to himself.

Tim Sale gives the book a moody, noir-ish feel with the art, using a heavy dose of blacks and grays. Sale also uses panel size to effectively pace the story. Sale gives each character a very distinct look, from very composed gangsters to crazy clowns.

THE LONG HALLOWEEN is as good a Batman story as I have read. Whenever I go back and re-read this story, I still enjoy the rich characterization and even though I know what the end result is, still find myself looking for clues as I read along. As great as the story is, the art is what really sings for me. Tim Sale does a brilliant job, not just as an artist, but as a storyteller, an art that is lost on a great many artists. Sale controls how long you spend on a page, and he makes each page worth it.

Now, BTLH is not without it’s share of detractors. Jeph Loeb has often been criticized for writing stories that rely too much on great art, and the appearance of a large cast of characters to make up for a weak story, with THE LONG HALLOWEEN being shown as an example. Another common critique of the book is that the killer’s identity was an afterthought to the story, made up at the last minute. Sale’s artwork has also been criticized, as some feel that his work relies to heavily on inks, and that his characters, especially his women, are over-muscled.

If you are looking for a good, self-contained Batman story, or a good graphic murder mystery, THE LONG HALLOWEEN is for you. If you hate murder mysteries, or think Batman is a tool, you might want to stick with something else.

Thanks for stopping in folks, see you tomorrow!

Greetings all!

As Mr. Wolff so eloquently pointed out yesterday, Halloween is fast approaching. The time for dressing up and garnering free candy for yourself is indeed at hand. Everybody loves free candy right?

With that in mind, I have a special Halloween-themed list for today. Now, you could make a case that in super-hero comics, everyday is Halloween, but there have been special occasions throughout the years where these characters have decided that the usual spandex just isn’t enough, and another costume must be donned. Today’s list is ten super-people who have had their own, special, Halloween parties. Let the fun begin!

1) Batman dresses up as Dracula: This one makes a whole lot of sense. Batman dresses up like a bat, Dracula turns into a bat. Ok, so there was a story behind this, but it was as simple as “Batman gets bit by a vampire, and gets exrta creepy”. Presto! Sparkle magic Batman!

2) The Punisher dresses up as Boo-Berry (?): Ok, Frank might not have dressed up like the weird ghost thing that hocks cereal, but he wasn’t far off. At one point The Punisher dies, only to come back as a ghost hunting ghost. Like a sell-out Ghostbuster. Boo to you Frank.

3) The Marvel universe dresses up as Zombies: Zombies are hot right now, so why not have a comic where everyone is a zombie? This is why Marvel sells more books than anyone.

4) The Thing dresses up as a pirate: What would you do if you were made of rock and wanted to fit in? Would you go back in time, don a fake beard and play pirate? If you were The Thing you would. Strong work Benjy!

5) The X-men dress up as aliens: So the X-men didn’t dress up as aliens so much as get infected and turn into aliens, but you get the drift. Work with me here.

6) Spider-man dresses up as a Transformer (several times!): Spidey has a serious Transformer fetish. Every few years, he decides to try out a new robo-costume, each one as more suck-tacular then the last.

7) Kang dresses up as a pharaoh: The dapper gent with the blue face is Kang, a man from the future with an invisible chair. What does Kang do with his vast technological superiority, time travel skills, and nifty costume? He dresses up like a Pharaoh, goes back to ancient Egypt, and hopes that no one notices he is the only white guy for miles around. Oh Kang, you silly beotch.

Superman dresses up as a communist: In an Elseworlds special called RED SON, Superman lands in communist Russia instead of America. The big difference between worlds? Superman wears drab clothing. And probably has to share his super-powers with everyone.

9) Speedball dresses up like an S&M creeper: For those that don’t know who Speedball is, he’s the rather silly looking man with the bubble trail. Well, a while back, Speedball felt rather contrite about some shenanigans he had gotten into and decided that the best way to pay for his sins was to dress up like a human pin cushion. Good choice Speedy!

10) Power Man dresses up like a Pretty, Pretty, Princess: Luke Cage. The baddest bad man on the streets. Superfly wishes he were this cool. Shaft dreams of being Power Man. Sho Nuff (The shogun of Harlem) has nightmares about getting his @$$ kicked somethin’ fierce by the Hero for Hire. But no one can explain why this man wore a tiara, bracelets and and flowing shirt for over a decade.

That’s it for today folks, thanks for stopping in and have a great weekend!

I love Halloween.  I think it’s great that for one day out of the year we all get to dress up like whatever we want without being judged, ridiculed or mocked.  Mostly.  Okay, fine.  Everyone still gets judged, ridiculed and mocked, but it’s not for being weird, instead it’s usually for being uncreative, unimaginative or just plain dumb.  So, daddy has decided to help some your more mentally impotent readers avoid some common costume mistakes this year.  I present to you: Five Halloween Costumes that Nobody Should Wear.

I know that my first recommendation is going to be lost upon many of you because it requires you to have a mate, but if you do make love one-handed, then just scroll down to the next one…  The most absolutely annoying things in the world are couple-costumes.  Now, to be clear, I am in no way condemning those of you who get together with a friend or two and decide that you will attend parties as a unit, thereby leading to the obvious decision that since there are four of you, you will be the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles — that makes sense.  I’m talking to the obnoxious bastards that annoy all of their friends with all of their mutual praise (“Oh my god, I love my b/f, he’s so awesome,” or, “Shit son, you see my b*tch?  She so fine!  I got that punani on lockdown!”), decide the day before Halloween to go to [Never Been to a Good] Party City and buy the most retarded couples costume they can find.  You know the ones I mean, like, “nuts and bolts,” or, “[albino] adam and eve,” or, “lock & key.”  These idiots actually believe that their cheap ass costumes look good, and the men always say the same thing, “I wanted to be a zombie, but Trish [the dish] wanted to do this, ya know?”  No.  We don’t know.  You’re an idiot and you look like something out of a retarded dollhouse.

Your friends hate you.

Get it? My dick is the key! Haha…

Sometime dignity goes with the hair.

Halloween is all about knowing your limits.  If you’re fat, don’t try and be sexy.  If you’re white, don’t dress up in black face.  It’s not very difficult…  So, when that guy in your group (you know who he is…) says, “We should get the whole gang to dress up like the X-Men or something,” jump up immediately and say, “No douche-bag! “  You know why?  Because I can guarantee that at least two-thirds of your friends are going to look like the lamest Wolverines, Rogues, Cyclops and Jubilees ever.  And since you’re with them, you’re all going to be lumped into terrible superhero group costume category.  To be fair, if you look like Lou Ferrigno then dress up like the Hulk, but don’t ask your Fat-Oprah-like friend to go with you as The Wasp.  Single heroes?  Great.  Groups?  Probably not.  Though I suppose their may be a group of friends out there who could pull this off — but its not you, so don’t worry about it.

and sometimes, nobody looks good.

Look around. I’ll wait.

Nonsensical costumes are the easiest ones to avoid.  These are costumes that aren’t meant to look like anything in particular — they’re only meant to attract attention.  Usually people wear things like this at Mardi Gras, or Carnival, or some other mass union of hedonism, but every Halloween, no mater what party you go to, there is always that guy/gal that shows up and nobody has a clue what they are supposed to be.  More often than not, these people are also on drugs.  And old.  And ugly.  And drunk.  And they usually pass out pretty early, ending up with a cumulative mess of random comments scrawled onto their bodies like, “I’m gay,” or perhaps the crude drawing of a rocket-ship-wiener.  The point is if you don’t have a costume (you suck) you should probably just wear normal clothes, lest you find yourself being stared at by the rest of the party being laughed at all night, never laughed with.

Old leopard eating an old Skittle?

Black-face, albino, red-weed, yellow-pant manish thing?

This man is out to kill the dreams of children.

Every single Halloween party in America will have at least one pimp/hoe at their party.  This is typically a failed attempt to veil the donner’s otherwise insatiable sexual appetite.  It may seem is totally biased of me, but I’m not going to ask hoes to stop.  In fact, I’d like to thank them for giving geeks everywhere the closest thing to nudity many of them will ever see.  You, my ladies, are currency in the spank bank of nerdishness.  It is to the pimps that I say, “nay sir!  You don’t look cool!  You’re probably a virgin and in no way at all are you original!”  I get the joke:  You are a white guy with a small penis and and otherwise lonely libido, thus the irony(?) in your uniform for the evening.  I all get it.  I’ve gotten it for years.  The part that bugs me is that you just got it.  Dressing up like a pimp for Halloween is the equivalent of a horny, homeless man holding a sign that says, “Will f*ck for sex.”  It’s redundant and sad.  Now, if you do dress like a pimp and your wife/girlfriend/significant other dresses up like a hoe, don’t be sad when I hand you a $20, tell you she’s overpriced and nine months later you’ve got a kid with eyes like mine.  You asked for it.

No animals were harmed in making these virgins.

FATher daughter pimp and hoe?

If it were real, he’d be broke.

We’ve hit the end of our list my friends.  At this point I hope you’re thinking, “Mr. Wolff, thank you so much.  Now I know not to dress up like: an asshole with my lady/man, a superhero withing an ugly fold of superheroes, a confused array of colors, or a pimp — what else should I avoid?  It’s simple my friend.  Do not, under any circumstances dress up like The Joker.

The Joker costumes after Dark Knight came out were painful.  I have never before seen a hideous coupling of both irreverent tribute and lackluster talent.  I saw the movie.  I know Heath was awesome.  But you’re not Heath!  He was awesome because it was so different and unexpected.  You are a sad little person with bad makeup, terrible wardrobe and the single worst Joker-voice in the history of the world.  Don’t be Heath’s joker.  Don’t be Jack’s Joker.  Don’t even be Cesar’s Joker!  Do not be Joker at all or for any reason!  Everybody who dresses up like Joker secretly believes themselves to be the coolest person in the room — they’re wrong.  Don’t be them.  Don’t be wrong (Hypocritical side note:  in all fairness, this guy is doing a damn good job).  Let me show you my pain:

Dumb & Dumber Joker?

Ginger Joker?

i just… Well… Yeah.

So that’s the list kids.  Go out and have fun this year, but don’t be a tool.

Mr. Wolff

Greetings Semantinkers!

It’s that time of the month again, (get your mind out of the gutter!) Solicitations have returned to us, bringing wonderful art, and hope for the future. There are lots of great covers this month, but two really stuck out for me. The problem is that they are both from fairly large publishers. Fear not indy lovers, Uncle Ben has a nice surprise for you as well. So, let’s get started shall we?

Our first cover of the month goes to:

Skottie Young has been doing great work on the OZ books for Marvel, but this propaganda-style poster really stands out for me.

For our second cover of the month we turn to Top Cow, who isn’t really a small publisher, but the cover is really neat:

This cover from Tom Feister really does it for me. I just love the use of the shadow as a hiding place for the darklings. Heck, I’m just a sucker for darklings, but really, who isn’t?

Now, I did promise something for the Independent comic lovers out there, and I mean to deliver. The following is a piece of art from a very talented gentleman named Sean Chapman who I was fortunate enough to meet at last week’s A.P.E. Enjoy!

Thanks for stopping in, see you tomorrow!

Sgt. Angle reporting for duty! (Look, this post may contain spoilers, so don’t say this isn’t a warning.) We still have time before the Halloween rush, so I’ll wait to give you the down low on the upcoming horror film season.

Where the Wild Things Are. #1 at the U.S.B.O. this past weekend, piling in an estimated $32.5 million bills for director Spike Jonze and Warner Bros. The success of Jonze’s five-year odyssey reminds us that you don’t have to treat a kid like a kid in order to win the kid’s dollars. You don’t have to Disney-ficate all over the genre in order to suck the soul of the young and innocent. How else can a kid cease to be a kid, and realize that it’s time to act like an adult, if you don’t treat him like one? Then again, why can’t we all stay kids forever, like this guy:

Dropped out at a very, very early age.

This year has given us a number of so-called “kids’ movies” that are more geared to sophisticated adults, teenagers with brains, and kids with loving parents who are willing to TEACH their young’ns about the seriousness that life offers, and that you can always turn those frowns upside-down. UP showed us that the cinematic experience can do so much with so little, as the first ten minutes should make you cry. If you did not well up in the first ten of “Up”, then you have no business calling yourself human. you basically have no soul. Go join Sam Worthington as an Avatar, you blue freak.

Just because you’ve been labeled a family film, or a kids’ movie, does not mean you have to have cute little backwards letters in your credits. You don’t have to douse eggs with syrup and hot sauce just to show you know how to have fun. You also can ignore the fact that dogs poop and grown-ups are goofy when they’re serious. Because you know what? When you get serious, you’re pretty goofy, too. But that’s because you don’t know what you are just yet, so it’s okay.

Here’s one lesson to remember, kid movies: You don’t have to have a daddy with issues who needs to learn how to care for his child. In today’s world, Mommy’s have problems, too. Why is it that we’re always watching the dad who needs to make more time for his kids, or the dad has to find a way to get a second job and pay alimony by working as a security guard at a museum? And how can Dick Van Dyke fight at night and then not feel sore in the A.M.?? WHY ARE OLD PEOPLE FUNNY?

Because they’re old.

But you know, kids are funny, too. Because kids always go for the simple solution. I’m not trying to be negative, or ageist, but kids say and do the darndest things just to prove themselves. And then, the sh*t hits the fan and they almost get chomped by sharks. Guess what, kids, the lesson of the day is DON’T GO SWIMMING. Or maybe you should dive in, because there are mermaids out there. Usually.

And hey, teen movies, you’re even worse. Because you’re basically disguised as teens, but you’re really over the age of 18. You’re unlawfully invading teenage kids’ personal space by protecting yourself with that little PG-13 rating (unless you’ve Disney-fied the MPAA to get your PG rating). Twilight, while being a less-than-satisfying crucifixion and butchering of the English language read in book format, is an accurate tribute of what NOT to teach your kids about love at a time when hormones are raging louder than an L.A. wildfire, and “love” is just a new word of the week.

So, in summation, go do yourself a favor and see Where the Wild Things Are. It won’t necessarily change your life, but it will force a perspective on it. If you’re an adult, you’ll look back on being a child, what you loved about it, what you hated, and the forts you used to build. If you’re a kid, and you’ve somehow been reading this post for the past few minutes, maybe you’ll think about the next time Mom tells you to get off the kitchen counter.

She demands it because she loves ya. She yells at you because she’d rather do that then eat you up. And if you can be a wild thing once in a while, from now on, no matter how old you are or what you look like or how grumpy you are if you wake up early because of a dog barking outside your window at six A.M., then go ahead. Be a wild thing.

Because this is where you are. You are –

“Yo, Sgt. Angle. I’mma let you finish. But first I have to say that Spike Jonze directed one of the best short films of all time. Starring me, Kanye West. Blow yo’ mind at the nine minute mark.” We Were Once a Fairytale.

At ease.

Sgt. Angle

Kanyus Interruptus

http://cdn1.knowyourmeme.com/i/18944/original/Untitled.jpg

Kanyus Interruptus.