I love Halloween.  I think it’s great that for one day out of the year we all get to dress up like whatever we want without being judged, ridiculed or mocked.  Mostly.  Okay, fine.  Everyone still gets judged, ridiculed and mocked, but it’s not for being weird, instead it’s usually for being uncreative, unimaginative or just plain dumb.  So, daddy has decided to help some your more mentally impotent readers avoid some common costume mistakes this year.  I present to you: Five Halloween Costumes that Nobody Should Wear.

I know that my first recommendation is going to be lost upon many of you because it requires you to have a mate, but if you do make love one-handed, then just scroll down to the next one…  The most absolutely annoying things in the world are couple-costumes.  Now, to be clear, I am in no way condemning those of you who get together with a friend or two and decide that you will attend parties as a unit, thereby leading to the obvious decision that since there are four of you, you will be the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles — that makes sense.  I’m talking to the obnoxious bastards that annoy all of their friends with all of their mutual praise (“Oh my god, I love my b/f, he’s so awesome,” or, “Shit son, you see my b*tch?  She so fine!  I got that punani on lockdown!”), decide the day before Halloween to go to [Never Been to a Good] Party City and buy the most retarded couples costume they can find.  You know the ones I mean, like, “nuts and bolts,” or, “[albino] adam and eve,” or, “lock & key.”  These idiots actually believe that their cheap ass costumes look good, and the men always say the same thing, “I wanted to be a zombie, but Trish [the dish] wanted to do this, ya know?”  No.  We don’t know.  You’re an idiot and you look like something out of a retarded dollhouse.

Halloween is all about knowing your limits.  If you’re fat, don’t try and be sexy.  If you’re white, don’t dress up in black face.  It’s not very difficult…  So, when that guy in your group (you know who he is…) says, “We should get the whole gang to dress up like the X-Men or something,” jump up immediately and say, “No douche-bag! “  You know why?  Because I can guarantee that at least two-thirds of your friends are going to look like the lamest Wolverines, Rogues, Cyclops and Jubilees ever.  And since you’re with them, you’re all going to be lumped into terrible superhero group costume category.  To be fair, if you look like Lou Ferrigno then dress up like the Hulk, but don’t ask your Fat-Oprah-like friend to go with you as The Wasp.  Single heroes?  Great.  Groups?  Probably not.  Though I suppose their may be a group of friends out there who could pull this off — but its not you, so don’t worry about it.

Nonsensical costumes are the easiest ones to avoid.  These are costumes that aren’t meant to look like anything in particular — they’re only meant to attract attention.  Usually people wear things like this at Mardi Gras, or Carnival, or some other mass union of hedonism, but every Halloween, no mater what party you go to, there is always that guy/gal that shows up and nobody has a clue what they are supposed to be.  More often than not, these people are also on drugs.  And old.  And ugly.  And drunk.  And they usually pass out pretty early, ending up with a cumulative mess of random comments scrawled onto their bodies like, “I’m gay,” or perhaps the crude drawing of a rocket-ship-wiener.  The point is if you don’t have a costume (you suck) you should probably just wear normal clothes, lest you find yourself being stared at by the rest of the party being laughed at all night, never laughed with.

Every single Halloween party in America will have at least one pimp/hoe at their party.  This is typically a failed attempt to veil the donner’s otherwise insatiable sexual appetite.  It may seem is totally biased of me, but I’m not going to ask hoes to stop.  In fact, I’d like to thank them for giving geeks everywhere the closest thing to nudity many of them will ever see.  You, my ladies, are currency in the spank bank of nerdishness.  It is to the pimps that I say, “nay sir!  You don’t look cool!  You’re probably a virgin and in no way at all are you original!”  I get the joke:  You are a white guy with a small penis and and otherwise lonely libido, thus the irony(?) in your uniform for the evening.  I all get it.  I’ve gotten it for years.  The part that bugs me is that you just got it.  Dressing up like a pimp for Halloween is the equivalent of a horny, homeless man holding a sign that says, “Will f*ck for sex.”  It’s redundant and sad.  Now, if you do dress like a pimp and your wife/girlfriend/significant other dresses up like a hoe, don’t be sad when I hand you a $20, tell you she’s overpriced and nine months later you’ve got a kid with eyes like mine.  You asked for it.

We’ve hit the end of our list my friends.  At this point I hope you’re thinking, “Mr. Wolff, thank you so much.  Now I know not to dress up like: an asshole with my lady/man, a superhero withing an ugly fold of superheroes, a confused array of colors, or a pimp — what else should I avoid?  It’s simple my friend.  Do not, under any circumstances dress up like The Joker.

The Joker costumes after Dark Knight came out were painful.  I have never before seen a hideous coupling of both irreverent tribute and lackluster talent.  I saw the movie.  I know Heath was awesome.  But you’re not Heath!  He was awesome because it was so different and unexpected.  You are a sad little person with bad makeup, terrible wardrobe and the single worst Joker-voice in the history of the world.  Don’t be Heath’s joker.  Don’t be Jack’s Joker.  Don’t even be Cesar’s Joker!  Do not be Joker at all or for any reason!  Everybody who dresses up like Joker secretly believes themselves to be the coolest person in the room — they’re wrong.  Don’t be them.  Don’t be wrong (Hypocritical side note:  in all fairness, this guy is doing a damn good job).  Let me show you my pain:

So that’s the list kids.  Go out and have fun this year, but don’t be a tool.

Mr. Wolff