Hump Day Rant: Smallville *Updated!
A few years ago I was injured while fighting a bear. I killed the bear, but not without a price — I sprained my ankle. Yes, I know it’s hard to believe that I could have suffered injury at the hands of so small a beast, but it is true. I was out of “work” for a few weeks and I asked my friends and family to give me ideas for things to do while bedridden for a while (it was a very serious sprain). One of my friends offered me his collection of a show called Smallville, maybe you’ve heard of it? Well, as someone who loves a good comic book and an on-again, off-again fan of the man of steel, I took up this well-intentioned gift and finished (what was) the entire show in a few weeks. I was in no way enamored or in love, but it was entertaining enough to pass the time and he gave me the whole collection at once so, there you have it.
If the power rangers were from Kansas…
Now from what I understand the show is still on after 50 or 60 seasons now and Clark has yet to don his iconic dress and Mr. Luthor left the show — meh. Normally I wouldn’t care enough about a megacorporation raping established cannon like this, but I heard something the other day that rattled my geeky cage; a young boy was with his mother inside of a Target, begging her for one of the seasons on DVD. The mother denied him and he went on to say, “But I need to know if Clark and Chloe get together.” I couldn’t help myself and butted in, “You know Lois and Clark end up together in the end, right?” The child looked at me like I punched his mother and replied, “Maybe in the comics, but Smallville isn’t like the comics, it’s actually good!” I then punched the child. His mother took offense so I punched her as well. Then I grabbed all of the Smallville DVDs, stole them, and burned them in my backyard as a sacrifice to the continuity gods.
If you didn’t know this before, I’m going to fill you in on a little secret now: Smallville is a piece of sh*t. It’s not a piece of sh*t the way a person who sleeps with your girlfriend is a piece of sh*t, scheming and conniving. Smallville is a piece of sh*t the way Ryan Leaf is a piece of sh*t, promising, but stingy and too self-involved.
The show started with a great idea: Bruce Wayne before he becomes Batman — Great! Wait, huh? That’s right Smallville was originally going to be Gotham and to be honest, I’m thankful they didn’t. Who knows how greed-rape would’ve ruined the caped crusader for me… Anyways, after Batman’s story got axed, Alfred Gough (Shanghai Noon, Shanghai Knights, Spider-Man 2, Herbie: Fully Loaded, and The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor) and Miles Millar (who partners with Gough on many of the previous titles, but also celebrates success with The Hannah Montana Movie) came up with the same formula for Superman — Clark in Smallville. In and of itself a great idea!
While season one was freak-of-the-week, the following seasons have revolved around greater story arcs involving several DC characters, heroes and villains. Okay. Fine. So what’s the problem?
The problem is that Smallville the TV show isn’t Smallville from the comics. I know a lot of people defend the show saying, “Smallville is its own continuity,” but to me, that’s horse sh*t. Why would you make a show about a younger version of the most famous superhero ever, if you’re not going to stick to the details? It’s the details that make him great! I can understand a few changes in the name of interpretation, but some of the stuff the CW has done is just bad (I’ll get to details in a second).
A show with this doesn’t need good writing.
And if you absolutely must change things around, do it for a good reason; if the word money comes up in the conversation, it’s not a good reason. When I say “good” I mean “of moral fortitude,” in other words, if you’re going to have Lex Luthor live in Smallville (for much longer than he should’ve) there better be a good reason behind it. What you’re doing at that point is changing cannon, not reinterpreting it. A reinterpretation would be something like, changing the design of Supe’s suit, or making Lois a blonde, but creating a character named Chloe who will exist as one of the most significant characters in Clark Kent’s life is going to change his future, that’s something that’s hard for me to take. Now, Ready for the list?
Lex don’t love dem hoes.
1. Lex Luthor. This guy should never have been in the show, well, at least not until Clark moved to Metropolis, or at least just for a brief stint according to cannon. If you needed him to be in the show in order to give Clark a nemesis, than maybe a show about Superman before he was Superman wasn’t such a good idea in the first place! What you’ve done instead is taken a series of events and moved them back in time. That’s not really impressive… We know Clark and Lex become enemies, I thought Smallville took place before all that.
Cute, but unnecessary, like munchkins.
2. Chloe Sullivan. The idea of Chloe is fine: a high-strung, headstrong reporter who will stop at nothing to “get the story.” Are you f*cking kidding me? I have an idea, let’s do a show about Superman before he was Superman and all we really have to do is write about superman with all the people he knows when he is superman, but make them teenagers and give them different names — SHENANIGANS! We didn’t need Lois Lane in this show yet! I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BEFORE ALL THAT! This was a cheap way to create a relationship that wasn’t supposed to happen to Clark yet… Chloe Sullivan did not exist in the comics-proper. I understand the need for more supporting characters in Smallville, sure you can even make some up, but do they have to be copies of people we already know and love? PS: Allison Mack is cute.
Ginger or no, let Jimmy be.
3. Jimmy Olsen. You killed Jimmy Olsen?! Clark Kent isn’t even Superman yet and you killed Jimmy Olsen? Are you f*cking kidding me? I know, I know: He wasn’t really Jimmy Olsen, but Jimmy Olsen’s younger brother Jimmy Olsen. Oh, okay. Let me bend Ms. Continuity over a bit so it hurts less when you f*ck her!
I see: Heroes. CW sees: $$
4. Flash, Cyborg and every other mucked up ancillary character… Cyborg was too old, (that) Flash was too young, Aquaman, well he just sucked, Oliver Queen should’ve been the same age as Superman, Papa Kent didn’t run for Senator, and Lionel Luthor didn’t exist… You’ve destroyed the fictional reality of Superman, please leave the rest of DC alone.
Look, I’m fine with reimaginings, I think it’s neat to see what different people do with different materials. All I’m asking for here is a bit of discretion when referring to the “greatness” of Smallville. If you really love the Superman mythology, go support the comic community and buy a book! Otherwise just admit that you like the Gilmore-Girl-like writing, typical WB/CW teenage angst drama, and keep your nose out of Superman all together. You can play with Superman, just don’t f*ck with him.
Two good things to come from Smallville? Kreuk and Durance. Especially Durance.
Until next time,
Mr. Wolff
**UPDATE: This video is awesome. Thanks to broken for the heads up!
i like this rant
November 12th, 2009 at 12:05 pmThank you, Angela. I do as well.
November 12th, 2009 at 2:41 pmYou know, Mr. Wolff, you always argue with me that books are a waste of time, and yet you keep ranting about material in which the material in the books surpass the film/television/comic con versions in terms of quality.
You like books. Admit it.
November 12th, 2009 at 2:57 pmOkay. It’s true.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:01 pm[balled fist shaking in the air]
Damn you, Akatzen!!
Thank goodness, then, that the Aquaman series with Ving Rhames was not picked up.
November 12th, 2009 at 7:36 pmPlease let Mr. Wolff know that I challenge him to write ONE rant devoid of male chauvinism. The punching of children may also be considered questionable.
Future, feminist-approved rant idea: Comic books should feature more scantily clad (and preferably bearded) men, and then maybe more girls would read comic books and blog for Semantink.
We already know they can write.
November 12th, 2009 at 9:54 pmAlex–
I hope you finished cleaning the house and baking before you wrote this comment.
Mr. Wolff.
November 14th, 2009 at 12:11 pmAgreed.
November 14th, 2009 at 12:12 pmLMFAO this is a gem of a blog. Thank you for the laughs.
November 14th, 2009 at 4:28 pmVery good points.
And while I haven’t read an elaborate number of superman comics, I really like the characters and story of superman portrayed in movies or elsewhere.
Now here comes the part where I disagree:
Smallville isn’t about the details to me. It’s about the fact that you know where this man (or.. er.. alien, i guess) is going and you’re along for the ride. The value is in knowing how things will turn out, while the path remains unclear. It’s a certain thing I remember learning in English class. The author lets the audience in on a secret without the characters knowing. So now the fun isn’t in finding out what happens, but in seeing how it gets there.
It’s a similar concept to the Batman Begins/Dark Knight movies (which I think were done pretty well). You know where Bruce is going. You know what he becomes. But HOW is the fun part. And some detail changing makes it all the better. Oh, so the batmobile is actually a nixed military jeep, and the source of the “bat” is his fear that he despises, and the suit came from Wayne’s company’s underproduced science department. (Again, I haven’t read the comics so I really shouldn’t be talking, but from what I heard many details were shifted or changed) So finding out how this character gets there becomes the entertainment.
True, the details are extremely messed up. Lex, Chloe, etc. And the show is a bit angsty and cheesy. But for me, the value is being wrapped up in this side of the superman story that never was. The part that no one knew.
So take what you will. Call me uneducated in terms of the comic side, but I like Smallville because the audience feels like they understand Clark so much better because they became superman with him.
November 19th, 2009 at 12:21 pmIt’s true. It is.
November 19th, 2009 at 12:30 pmCousin,
I think you’ll be surprised to find that I agree with you. JJ Abrams once wrote, “…the experience–the setup for a joke’s punch line, the buildup to a magic trick’s big flourish–is as much of a thrill as the result. There’s discovery to be made and wonder to be had on the journey that not only enrich the ending but in many ways define it.” I agree with that and I think that a lot of what you’re saying is true.
However, I would say that Smallville has changed “what we know” by altering the ending before even getting there… For example, they’ve introduced characters that are completely out of continuity (Flash, Cyborg, Chloe, Green Arrow, etc.) and in doing so they’ve altered what “we know” as true. So in some ways it’s less about the journey and more about a reinterpretation of the original material.
Batman Begins did a great job of showing us what happened before the Batman (according to canon), but Smallville is showing us what happens before the CW’s Superman. In other words, the Clark Kent you watch on Smallville is not the Clark Kent from the Superman of the comics or the movies as a result of their massacre of proper character continuity. All of that is fine and well, but to call it Clark Kent before Superman is misleading — in actuality it is the Dawson Creek version of Clark Kent before the Kids WB’s version of Superman.
And FYI: You are obviously not uneducated, that’s the most logical argument I’ve seen on this site. Ever.
Keep ‘em coming!
Mr. Wolff
November 23rd, 2009 at 12:53 pm