At midnight tonight we will begin not only a new year, but a new decade.  The last ten years have been…interesting.  We’ve had our ups (conquering racial boundaries with the election of an African-American President) and downs (the the realization that our African-American president is, at the end of the day, still a politician), but nobody can say we didn’t try our damnedest to make it memorable.  Unfortunately, some things/people will be remembered in ways the contrary to their hopes.  With that in mind I would like to close the otts with a tribute to the worsts of the decade in five fields: Television, Film, Comics, Music and Celebrity.

Television:  Heroes (2006)

If you’re familiar with my writing, then you know I despise Heroes.  Whilst some of you may be wondering if I have labeled them the worst of the decade for personal reasons, allow me to be clear: I have.  You see, TV shows come and go.  To find “the worst” according to ratings would be somewhat trivial as I would have to sift through an onslaught of shows that never were and describe them to you, since you probably never had the chance to see them.  Now, what makes Heroes the worst?  The fact that it started so strong and fell so flat.  I’ve exhausted myself on previous occasions berating this show so I will keep this somewhat short:  Heroes started in 2006 as a hot girl in high school — she had a nice rack, breasts to make a goddess envious and the playful kind of personality that would impress your parents at dinner and then fuck you something rotten in private.  But as seasons went on and Heroes left high school, she got dirty and fat.  She became abusive and started stealing from other (better) stories without the slightest semblance of an apology.  Then, before anyone knew what happened, we came home from a hard day at work to find our parents dead with Heroes stroking a dick she’d grown while worshiping an altar to some evil little bastard in the shape of Uwe Boll.

Film:  Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever (2002)

Look at this instead of the poster. Trust me.

Lucy Liu is hot.  Antonio Banderas is great.  So what doomed this potential money maker?  Everything.  The story was weak, the action was too much (and think about that for a second — “too much”) and the acting was, well, there wasn’t any really.  Currently Ballistic has a 00% on Rotten Tomatoes, in the company of: Witless Protection (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), and Pinocchio (2002).  I tried watching this movie once and one time only.  I was unable to finish it because I killed myself five minutes in after I saw something about nanobots or a homosexual orgy — I forget.  Point is, I killed myself and when I got to Hell, Satan tried to make me watch Ballistic for eternity, when he heard that they had released his torture of choice on Earth, he cried in a corner while I slipped out of hell, slapping some succubi ass on my way out.

Comics:  Trouble (2003)

Perhaps lesbianism would’ve saved this one…

Let’s start with the obvious:  Mark Millar is one of the best comic book writers ever.  That being said:  WHAT THE FUCK MAN?!  If you’ve never read Trouble, here’s the abridged version:  Aunt May (yeah, the old woman who looks after Spider-man) was a slut who got knocked up when she slept with her friend’s boyfriend.  Turns out she is Peter’s mom, but just barely since she almost aborted his ass when she went nuts learning of her spawn.  Instead, she had Peter, dropped him off with Mary and Richard (whom we thought were Peter’s parents) and goes home like nothing every happened.  First of all, I don’t ever, ever want to see sweet old Aunt May whoring out with two guys in one comic, even if she does have huge breasts — it’s just creepy.  And second, don’t fuck with Spider-man’s back story.  Leave that shit alone.  There’s enough confusing shit to follow and keep track of and I don’t need to learn about Parker’s skank of a mom who has lied to him forever.  Fuck this book.

Music:  The E.N.D. — Black Eyed Peas (2009)

Weren’t there some dudes in this band at a point?

When the Black Eyed Peas picked up Fergie, it was the best/worst thing they could have done.  It would launch them into the mainstream market and help them to bathe in money for the rest of their lives.  It would also decrease the quality of their music so enormously that musicians would laugh at the mere mention of this once talented band.  Need proof they suck?  They were nominated for a Grammy.  I know that some of you love this band (Fergie included), and that’s okay.  You people are considered tasteless and I don’t care what you think.  You’re probably the same people who think the Jonas Brother’s Movie was “fun,” and that Fred Durst will make a come back.  You’re cute.  Really.  Here, sing with this guy, he’s on your team:

Celebrity:  Michael Vick

Good boy.

According to a US Department of Agriculture report dated August 28, 2008, “Vick, Peace and Phillips thought it was funny to watch the pit bull dogs belonging to Bad Newz Kennels injure or kill the other dogs.”  Vick was tried and convicted, spent a little time in jail and ultimately wound up playing football again for the Philadelphia Eagles.  Folks, I know I can be a bit insensitive to women, retards and various forms of stupid, but abusing animals is an evil above most other evils, surpassed by only by Hitler and just above punching babies.  Michael Vick is a joke.  The laugh comes at the expense of our justice system which has grossly missed the mark.  Vick should be fed to the dogs he abused and then forced to drink the urine of puppies for the rest of his days.  Get this: He won the Eagles award for courage a week or so ago.  Courage, huh?  Fuck you.  What Vick did was the largest, most inexusable act of negligence performed by any other celebrity in the last decade.  I hope he gets rabies.

In less than 24 hours it will be 2010 and the beginning of the next decade.  I know that Semantink has a shitload of goodies lined up and I can only hope that the economic slump lessens with time, but the nice thing about the future is the opportunities it presents.  Get out there and do something awesome people.  If you insist on being a dumbass, stop breathing so the rest of us can try and make the world a little better than when we found it.

Until next year,

Mr. Wolff.

Read more @ Semantink.com

Another year ends (and decade, really. Anyone who says the 2nd millennium didn’t start until 2001 is an idiot who lacks simple math skills) and what that means for lots of people is they ready themselves for more failure in the new year by starting the year off with new year’s resolutions.

I hate New Year’s Resolutions. One study in the UK showed a success rate of 12%. It’s not enough to have a resolution, you need to have a plan. Otherwise you’re going to end up like a bad record at the start of every year, sounding off the same stuff you wanted last year.

Failure: n, a person with a record of failing. Someone who loses consistently.

Was someone just curmudging in here? Whew. For a second it was sounding like my page was taken over by Mr. Wolff. Sorry.

One idea I’ve always liked is the giving of handsels. A handsel is a gift for good luck in the New Year, celebrated in Scotland on Handsel Monday, the first Monday of the new year.
“But Akatzen,” you might be saying, “I already spent more money than I should’ve on Christmas, and now you’re telling me to give out more?” And then you raise your middle finger solidly and pointedly in my direction.

Come on now, no need to be rude.

Let’s say you got a friend who wants to stop smoking in the new year. Wouldn’t you want to wish him luck? One study showed that of the people who were successful in their New Years Resolution nearly all of them had a plan, broken down into simpler obtainable goals, and friends they could rely on as a support group.

Maybe the best good luck gift you can give is pointing them in the direction of the right book.

So what are a few of the top resolutions?
Losing weight/getting fit. Stop smoking. Manage finances better/get out of debt.

1. Losing weight/getting fit.
The first thing someone needs to know about losing weight is how body mass works. Muscle weighs more than fat. Hitting the gym may actually be trimming your waistline, but you won’t necessarily see it on the scale since you are building muscle at the same time. A lot of people give up on their start-of-the-year-gym memberships because they work out for a couple of weeks but don’t see anything happening when they hop on the scale. If a friend wants to slim up, help them prevent stupidity.
I also suggest reading In Defense of Food: An Eater’s Manifesto by Michael Pollan. Pollan’s previous book, The Omnivore’s Dilemma, was an examination of the American eating habits, and this follow-up novel gives you a plan on changing the way you eat to not just a healthier diet, but also a more enjoyable one. I could also suggest his novel Food Rules: An Eater’s Manual, released just yesterday, a pocket compendium of food wisdom.
Once a person understands better how food works, the more intelligent diet plan they will be able to pick.

2. Stop Smoking
Changing any habit is difficult. Changing an addictive habit can feel damn near impossible.
One fact that may help is that nicotine is a nerve poison almost 3 times more potent than arsenic. Assassins used to coat their blades with nicotine oil, which can be absorbed through the skin, so even touching the blade can be lethal. Granted, the dosage found in a cigarette is about 1mg, and it takes about 40mg to kill. Almost seductive, isn’t it? A lethal nerve poison which is also addictive.
While I am incredibly skeptical of any self-help book with the word “easy” in the title (if it was easy, then they wouldn’t need entire sections of bookstores devoted to it), Allen Carr’s book The Easy Way to Stop Smoking has helped more than a couple of my friends stop smoking, so I feel it’s worth mentioning. One thing I like about the book is that he focuses on the psychological need-the mental addiction-to smoke, while the reader is still smoking. He flat out suggests that you don’t try to not smoke while you read the book. But he also claims that by the end of the book you won’t want to smoke anymore.
Might be worth looking into if you know someone who really wants to give up the habit in the new year.

3. Managing finances/getting out of debt.
If you are trying to gain better control of your money, don’t spend money on a book telling you how to manage your finances! Go to your bank, sit down with an actual person, and explore options. It’s free, and it’ll be what most books tell you to do anyway. A book on financial management is just another impulse buy that you need to avoid while you cut impulse buying out of your spending habits.

Well, that’s it for me this year! Be safe as you ring in the new year (notice I said “safe” which is not necessarily the same as “sober” or “clothed”)

Until next time,
Still paddlin’ the old knew…
_-Akatzen-_

Sgt. Angle reporting for duty!

Here’s a quick one before I head to war for the week, about to battle strange new lands and prepare defenses for any kind of invasion or threat which may arise. At any time. You can never have too much duct tape and gun parts.

War aside, I now present you my top movie list for the last decade (2000 — 2009). I’ve seen all I can, and all I want to see, and so, here we go, top fifteen movies of the aughts, in chronological order: (each received five rifles, you should know)

1. Wonder Boys — Seldom seen tale of a pot-smoking English professor and his troubled student. Robert Downey, Jr., in one of his constantly quirky roles, co-stars.

2. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban — I could say the entire series should be on the list, but I’d be lying (Chris Columbus has not the directing skills of Alfonso Cuaron). This installment is the finest example of a director’s interpretation entirely changing the way you see the world. Also, written by Steve Kloves, who wrote Wonder Boys!

3. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring — Again, the finest, in my opinion, of the series, this film sets the stage for the trilogy while telling an entirely confined adventure story in its’ own time. All acting top notch, and Viggo Mortensen plays a grungy warrior like no one since myself.

4. The Royal Tenenbaums — A late edition to my list, RT represents the pinnacle of Wes Anderson’s career. Gene Hackman is hilarious and even touching as a family patriarch trying to win back the hearts of his children. Gwyneth Paltrow is also tolerable, for a change.

5. Amelie — A visual stunner from visionary Jean-Pierre Jeunet, Amelie is a treasue hunt disguised as a love story, and Audrey Tautou plays the kind of lady you can’t help fall in love with. The color scheme is something dreams have borrowed from.

6. Talk To Her — Spanish director Pedro Almodovar’s masterpiece, this is a hugely dramatic film about love and loss, as two stories — a male nurse and his coma patient, a female matador and sensitive reporter — intertwine and show us the extents and limits of unrequited love. Touching, humorous, and vibrant.

7. The Dark Knight — People can argue for Batman Begins or Tim Burton’s adaptation all they want to, but The Dark Knight changed superhero movies from something cartoon to something real. Heath Ledger provides us with a look at a madman that is scarier than venturing through your grandma’s mental ward, and the tense, Heat-inspired opening is ripe for repeated viewings, the single-note rhythm of the opening theme scratching your every nerves, just like I just scratched this python off my leg like a fruit fly.

8. In America — I’m a sentimental freak for family stories such as this. Paddy Considine plays a devoted father and family man who blames himself for his young son’s death as they move to America in the 80s. Roughly based on director Jim Sheridan’s actual experiences, you will get some chills or even choke up as he plunks down his last wages to win an ET doll for his daughter at a carnival game. Gorgeous filmmaking on all levels.

9. City of God — The twisting crime tale, based on actual events, that helped director Fernando Meirelles explode onto the scene (he eventually directed The Constant Gardener). Seems like a Scorsese inspired microcosm of crime in Rio de Janeiro, but the story is much more about basic survival than anything else. Visually thrilling, at times dizzy and dazzling.

10. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind — How can you not love this film? It’s a romance, it’s a drama, it’s a comedy, and it’s full of science fiction ideas. Charlie Kaufman’s writing has never been better, as he paints characters who are as exciting to us as they are to each other. We want them to succeed, but we’re okay if they don’t. That’s good filmmaking, when you just know the outcome will keep your characters safe, if nothing else.

11. Pan’s Labyrinth — Guillermo del Toro almost lost his journal and notes for this film in a cab until the driver somehow found him and mailed everything back. Thank goodness he did, otherwise we would not have seen this brand new world just on the other side of our own, in a young girl’s imagination (or is it? discuss below). Arguably the best film of its’ year, Pan’s Labyrinth is a great blend of imagination and realism, and there’s even a hell of a gunfight.

12. Zodiac — David Fincher’s recreation of San Francisco in the late 60s / early 70s with an HD camera and green screen manages to make this movie look somehow dated, and the dialogue heavy story of the Zodiac killer’s reign of terror only helps place it as if the film was made in that era. Mark Ruffalo’s hair has never been better, Jake Gyllenhaal has never whined so much, and Anthony Edwards has never had sushi. Also, there’s Robert Downey, Jr. Sold.

13. Hot Fuzz — I’m biased towards this one for personal reasons, nevertheless, Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg’s writing is spot on, parodying the buddy cop comedy genre to a T. In the DVD commentary, Wright comments that they researched over 120 action or cop films and tried to make even the slightest reference to every one of them. If not only the amount of detailed research involved, the film is also a good story, well-told, with some amazingly funny scenes that never cease to cause a chuckle.

14. UP — Good filmmaking strikes your heart, from Pixar, of course, and Up proves that old characters still have a home in cinema, as long as their characters have a place to get to. The first ten minutes alone should get your tear ducts pumping, and your heart beating. The rest of the time, you’re in it for the ride.

15. The Hurt Locker — Thrill-a-minute look at the adrenaline drug known as war, Jeremy Rennar plays a bomb diffuser in Iraq who plays the risks and likes to bet his life on cutting the right wire, no matter how many guns are firing around him. Kathryn Bigelow directs the best movie of 2009, swirling the sandy landscape of Iraq around the viewer entirely, disorienting us enough to not trust anyone on screen, and not know when a bomb might blow up in our faces.

Happy hunting.

Sgt. Angle

Greetings Semantinkers!

It is time for our last cover of the month feature for the year. This month we have some rockin’ covers for you. Want to see them? Of course you do!

Big Boy Cover of the month:

This here is the cover to THE SHIELD #7 by Sam Basri. I love the use of negative space to display the hero. It is also hard to go wrong with a guy who has a great big tentacle filled brain.

Little guy cover:

TRANSFORMERS: BUMBLEBEE from IDW wins the cover of the month for the little guy this week. I love the propaganda poster look, and this one has a very nice lay out too it. Guido Guidi is the man behind this bad boy.

That’s it for this month’s covers folks. Thanks for stopping in, and we will see you tomorrow!

Happy Sunday folks!

With the end of the year (and the decade!) right around the corner, I thought it best to start giving out awards. Since all the greatest awards have cute little names (Oscars, Tonys, etc., etc.) I thought it only fair that our awards at Semantink have a name too. So, with that in mind, I am giving out the first annual INKY awards. Huzzah!

Best Series (ongoing):WALKING DEAD (Image)- No other series continues to bring shock and surprise as well as the WALKING DEAD. Robert Kirkman can and will kill off any one at any time, so the reader is constantly on their toes. Charlie Adlard provides gruesomely perfect art as well. This book is a must read every month.

Best Mini-Series: WAR OF KINGS (Marvel)- Marvel has done a great job with their space operas the last few years, and this year continues that trend. WAR OF KINGS pitted the Kree against the Shi’ar in a battle royale and did it beautifully. Paul Pelletier does a great job of showing interplanetary ass-kickery, and nobody does a better job at interstellar warfare stories than Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning.

Most fun I’ve had reading this year: Old Man Logan (Marvel)- There were plenty of great reads this year, but nothing was more fun than Mark Millar and Steve McNiven’s tale of Wolverine in the future. A great concept, executed to perfection.

Best Writer: Grant Morrison- This was a tough one. Brian K. Vaughn has done a great job this year, making politics cool in EX MACHINA.  Geoff Johns made SUPERMAN readable again. Grant Morrison, however, has had a banner year. FINAL CRISIS, Morrison’s version of the semi-annual DC crisis finished up at the start of the year. Morrison followed up with another great installment of SEAGUY, and an awesome run on BATMAN AND ROBIN.

Best Penciller: Steve McNiven- Just look at the pretty pictures.

Best Inker: Oclair Albert: Oclair is the inker for GREEN LANTERN and BLACKEST NIGHT. Ivan Reis is a great penciller, but Albert’s inks make the pencils sing. He has a slick style that is perfect for s a space book.

Best Colorist– Dave Stewart- Stewart is the man behind the beautiful colors of the HELLBOY and BPRD books.

Best Cover Artist: J.H. Williams III- Williams has been doing beautiful work for years, but his covers for DETECTIVE have been some of the best of his career, as well as some of the best covers of the year.

Best Editor: Tom Brevoort (Marvel)- The man handles an insane load of titles for Marvel, from Spider-man, to the Avengers, to the Fantastic Four, and does a fine job with all of them.

Best Event: Blackest Night (DC comics)- Blackest night has been kicking butt and taking names since the first issue, and shows no signs of stopping. Anytime you have scads of undead rollin’ around and offing people, you are on the right track to awesome.

Best Big Publisher: Marvel Comics- Marvel wins based on it’s advancements in digital comics. The publisher signed a deal with several online comic book reader sites like Panelfly and Iverse to produce content for them. They also did a great job in 2009 with motion comics like SPIDER-WOMAN and ASTONISHING X-MEN.

Best Small Publisher: Top Shelf– These guys had a banner year. THE SURROGATES became a major motion picture and they landed Alan Moore and all his new projects (like the latest LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN project). It’s tough for anyone to top that.

Best Comic Book Movie: Watchmen- Given the choices this year, this one was easy. Wolverine was a hot mess and Whiteout was boring. Watchmen, while not perfect, was a beautiful translation of the source material. Jackie Earle Haley was chilling as Rorschach, and Zack Snyder obviously put a lot of heart into making Watchmen the best movie it could be,

Best Original Graphic Novel: ASTERIOS POLYP- Dave Mazzucchelli spent years on this book and it shows. The story is nothing earth-shattering, but the way Mazz uses color and shape to dispaly tone and emotion is.

Best Publication Design: Absolute Editions (DC)- The Absolute edition books that DC puts out are always the cream of the crop for story reproduction. The — format allows the art to shine and only the best stories make it to Absolute format.

Book I’ve been waiting forever for: Planetary #27- Thank you Warren Ellis and John Cassaday for making it worth the wait.

Technological breakthrough that will shape the next decade: Digital comic book readers- Over the next 10 years, comics aren’t going away, but they are going to evolve into the digital realm. This year was a huge step forward in the evolution of comics with apps for smart-phone comic book reading and companies like Longbox digital gearing up to put comics online.

Best comic viewing app: Iverse- There are several great apps for comics, but none are as clean and easy to use as iverse. Iverse also has the largest catalog of books, which is a big deal.

Publisher to look out for in 2010: Semantink–We are hot!

Congratulations to all Inky award winners! Your statuettes are in the mail. To all of our readers out there, thanks for tuning in, I’ll see you tomorrow.

Hello again and welcome to another Geek Of The Week. I hope you all had fun celebrating the Holidays, umm wait, I mean Christmas. I don’t want Mr. Wolf getting his panties in a bunch or a boot in my arse. Either way at this point I think it’s inevitable. Now that you have your gifts and they are all unwrapped and completely in your possession it is time to think about exchanging them. Yeah this week its all about the geeky gifts you wish you got for Christmas or maybe its what I wish I got for Christmas.

iSlate

OK who doesn’t want an apple product for Christmas. I mean they are so cool looking and they actually work. I think Apple are one of the few company’s that can actually do both. That being said there isn’t any product out now by apple that I want. What I wanted for Christmas was their new  iTablet or iSlate. Its so new that no one even knows the actual name but iSlate may be the winner as someone found out that Apple just purchased that domain. The only thing I do know is that it was designed by Aliens and it floats. No but seriously this is a real device that should be announced on Jan 26 at a special media event. You know apple they are always hush hush but they always deliver the goods. Here are some completely fake fan mockups of the device.

Ticket to Space

Yes a ticket to space on the Virgin Galactic would be out of this world. This program has been in development for some time now. On Dec 7 of this month they revealed the new spaceship to the public. They even let the Governator hit the damn thing with a bottle. I personally don’t want to go to space on that one. This new spaceship is roomier than the first version and looks pretty nice too. Tickets cost $200,000 and deposits start from $20,000. For that price I can take a few friends along. Actually I’ll just continue to dream of space and just watch the wealthy have all the fun. For the full details go to their site here. Maybe they will have layaway.

Random Bag Of Crap

Ah I love woot. If you haven’t experienced woot then you are really missing out. Woot is just one of those cool sites on the internet that cater to the compulsory nature we all have in us. They will list one item for 24 hours at a really good price. You never know how many they have and once they are gone they are gone. At the end of the 24 hours a new item is posted. If the previous item didn’t sell out they will hold on to them for their Woot Off. The Woot Off is when all the past items that didn’t sell out are listed again. The same format of one item being listed is followed but this time when the item sells out a new one is posted instantly. This continues for an unspecified amount of time. At the end of this woot off their is the chance to get the Random Bag of Crap. These bags sell for $5 and they get snatched really fast. There have been bags in the past that were flat panel monitors but it could also very likely be some cheap umbrella. You never know.

Tauntaun Sleeping Bag

In the sub-zero wasteland of the planet Hoth, only the strong survive… and of course those lucky Jedi protected by the thick skin of a Tauntaun. Oh yes the Tauntaun Sleeping Bag. You know the inner Geek inside you wants one of these things. They even come with a lightsaber laser zipper so you can reenact the scene from attack of the clones.  This is from the brilliant minds over at Think Geek the place to go for all your geek needs.

Gold Devices

I will admit that these really don’t interest me in the slightest but I know that some of yous however might be getting all giddy for some blingtastic tech device. Well your wait is over. The guys over at Goldstriker Internati0nal are the leaders when it comes to blinging out the latest tech gadget. They have an iphone, wii, and PS3. I guess they don’t like to play games with friends cause everyone knows you need an xbox for that. Ooohh… yeah thats right I said it, Xbox. Here are some pics of these devices. For full specs on these things go to their website. Quick note about their website. While these guys have some of the most expensive tech devices their website is one of those horrible flash sites. You know the ones that have all these crazy sparkles and goofy intro.

Optimus Tactus Keyboard

Wow am I really finishing this list with a freakin keyboard. Well my friends yes, yes I am. This is not just any keyboard this is the Optimus Tactus. They are designed by Art Lebedeve Studio and these keyboards are cool. The first version of this keyboard is for sale already at a pretty steep price point of $2000 U.S. dollars. Who cares about that one. I want the Tactus. The Tactus is still just a concept and no functional prototypes have been shown. The idea of having a fully customizable keyboard sounds pretty neat to me. Look at the the first picture below and imagine running photoshop because that’s what it’s showing you. While this wouldn’t really help me at this point since I am a power user. Yeah thats right I said it, Cmd + Opt + Shift + E. Don’t worry my nerd powers were only set to stun. The cool potential comes from  all the other programs that can modify the keyboard layout for you. Video games is the first thing that comes to mind. Having icons for all your inventory items. Or say you want to run Avid or Protools this would be pretty cool since they make specific keyboards for them already but they are ugly and you cant change them.

I could go on and on. There are so many cool things out their that would be fun to have. I told myself I would limit it to 5 but gave you 6 anyways. Once again I hope you all had a great Christmas. I’m Street Fece and I will see you next year.

Merry Christmas!

Today, in honor of the jolly fat omniscient semi-deity who has made breaking and entering a joyous occasion, I wanted to make a Santa-centric list. The problem is, Santa himself doesn’t show up very often in the funny books, so I have compiled a list of the best Santa impersonators in comic-dom. Enjoy!

1) Homeless Santa from Spider-man #314– This wannabe showed up just in time to foil a crime while Spider-man was crying about not being able to pay rent. Way to step up your game Hobo Claus!

2) Punisher Santa From MARVEL HOLIDAY SPECIAL: The Punisher takes on a challenge from his trusty fat sidekick, Chip, to go a day with going all punisher on anyone. The Punisher agrees, but he’s a shifty beotch, so he coats himself in a paralytic serum then goes out and starts arguments with bad guys. Frank Castle= scariest Santa ever.

3) Bat-Santa from DC INFINITE HOLIDAY SPECIAL: The picture really says it all.

4) Soggy Santa from MARVEL HOLIDAY SPECIAL:  There was a time when Namor, Lord of Atlantis and master of the seas, was a homeless drifter (due to amnesia). So how did Namor get his Thunderbird cash? Apparently, he was a mall Santa!

5) Santa-tron from MARVEL HOLIDAY SPECIAL: It’s your typical Christmas story, some crazy lady builds a robot to help Santa, but the robot decides to kill everyone instead. It is a truly heart warming tale.

That’s it for the list folks. Have a great Christmas, be safe, eat lots, and open many presents.

Naughty. Definitely naughty.

Let’s get the obvious out of the way — MYTHOI Birth: Vito has just been put out for your undeserving eyes.  Check it out now.  If you don’t, I hope your genitals rot and ruin Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas…

Happy Hippy.

Last week I made a quick trip to the North Pole in my HumV Hybrid (I care about the earth) and you know what I found?  Nothing.  No fat red man with a gaggle of little people making toys, no reindeer, especially not one with a red nose, and not one single toy.  Surprised?  Probably not.  That’s because Christmas isn’t about gifts or lies or any other preconceived notion you may hold in your head.  Allow me to explain my frustration…

Yesterday while ordering my iced coffee from a chain of thankfully dying, yet uniformly standard coffee shops that start with “Star” and end with “bucks” I heard a man, who shall henceforth be titled “Shitstick,” berate a barista with large breasts about her farewell.  She said, “Have a Merry Christmas.”  Well Shitstick wasn’t having that.  He let the pair of her have it, going off on how “corporate America” shouldn’t endorse “Christian” holidays and how offended he was to have such sentiments “thrown in his face…”  I’m sure he would have gone on and on had I not jammed my size 12s up his ass, knocking his double-tall cup of douche all over his person.

He left and I bedded the barista — duh.

The point is this: It’s Christmas.  Fucking Christmas.  This is not a time of year for bitching and moaning, it’s a time of harmony, peace and goodwill towards men.  I know that the word “Christ” in the title scares some of you weaker bastards, but let me spell this out for you: Christmas, in the modern rendition, has nothing to do with  Christ unless you’re a Christian.  It’s okay to celebrate the holiday and NOT be a Christian.  Who cares if Jesus get’s a little more attention?  Really!  Who?  Do you think Santa Claus has a rosary around his fat neck?  No way!  It would hit Mrs. Claus in the face when they bang on the toy tables (and you know they do).

Under the bubbles, Mrs Claus. Under the bubbles…

The world is full of assholes and moments of assholery from decent people all year long.  Can’t we just use Christmas as a way to get the fuck along with everybody?  Just for a limited time?  If Shitstick had just said, “Thanks” then the barista would’ve had a good day, he wouldn’t have douche all over him and I wouldn’t be feeling like the teacher of Special Ed enlightening you tools on the harmonious implications of togetherness.  Let the Christians have Christmas.  Let the Jews have Hanukkah.  Let the Africans who choose it, have Kwanzaa.  And let any other group have whatever it is they want to have on or around December 25th.  As long as it doesn’t cause you any physical harm, let the forest nymphs celebrate the winter solstice.  Just go John Lennon and let it fucking be.

Here’s your homework: On or around Christmas I want you to smile at someone whose beliefs are different from your own and wish them well.  I know it’ll be really hard for some of you, but trust me, you’ll feel better after doing it.  Then I want you to go to your local strip club, get a lap dance and tip well.  That’s my gift to you: tell people you have to because Mr. Wolff said so.

Put your naughty on their nice.

Merry Christmas, bitches.

Mr. Wolff.

Read more @ Semantink.

Last week Ben, Mr. Wolff, and Sgt. Angle tossed their two cents into the fountain of remakes, doing their part to change the quality of the water. (I think I’m starting a subconscious habit to out-do the random metaphor I came up with in my previous post.)

I’ve been thinking about doing an author spotlight every couple of posts for quite a while, and since remakes are in the air, I thought I’d mention an author who just published a remake of his own.

In 1963 Maurice Sendak published the children’s book Where the Wild Things Are. It was incredibly popular, and by 2008 had sold more than 19 million copies worldwide. In 2009, “Where the Wild Things Are” was released as a feature film, directed by Spike Jones and adapted from Sendak’s book by Spike Jones and Dave Eggers.

The same week the movie hit the screens, Eggers released his book, “The Wild Things”, a total reimagining of Sendak’s 10 pages into a full length novel, and also where you find most of the plot points that happened in the movie.

2009 was a good year for Eggers. In June his screenplay (written with his wife, Vendela Vita) “Away We Go” hit the screens under the masterful direction of Sam Mendes. In July, he released his novel Zeitoun, the nonfiction account of a Syrian man on the flooded streets of Katrina attempting to provide for his family and help any survivors who also stayed, and his vilification and subsequent disappearance by American authorities. And then in October Wild Things hit shelves and movie screens.

Not that life always went swimmingly for the author. In 1991, when he was 18, Dave was forced to take responsibility for raising his 8 year old brother after both his parents died of cancer only a few weeks apart. His first novel, the alternatingly gut-wrenching and hilarious A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius (2000), tells the story of how it happened, lightly fictionalizing the story but in no way diminishing the very true loss. The book was a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize that year.
In 2002, Eggers published You Shall Know Our Velocity! (the film is currently in pre-production). It is the story of a young man and his friend traveling around the world, always moving East, and their frustrating attempts to give away money. More than that, it is a story of Generation X and how they’ve grown up without any sense of direction.
Surviving Justice hit shelves in 2005. The book was a compilation of interviews of former prisoners who were given the death sentence but were later exonerated.
And in 2006, Eggers published What is the What? Though he wrote the novel, due to the extensive interviews and it being written in the first person, he published the novel as an autobiography. The subject of the novel is Valentino Achak Deng, one of the Sudanese Lost Boys, who survived 15 years of civil war, horrid genocide, and refugee camp exile before fleeing eventually to the United States in 2001. Essentially nonfiction, because some characters of composites of several real people and most of the storyline was reshaped and reordered for narrative effect Eggers released the book as fiction. In spite of that, the book captures the life of Achak Deng clearly, and tragically. The book is beautifully written, but there were several chapters that made me sick to my stomach and unbelievably sad that the world is really like this.

Eggers also co-authored several humor books with his younger brother, using the pseudonym “Dr. and Mr. Haggis-On-Whey” and the book Jokes Told in Heaven About Babies (writing as Lucy Thomas).

In all his novels, Eggers manages to capture, in a very real sense, the triumph and tragedy and humor of the human spirit. He is always worth reading, and the perfect subject to begin my spotlight series. Give him a read.

Until next time,
Still paddlin the old knew…
Akatzen

P.S. The next Mythoi Origin Story is out. Go take a look at Mythoi Birth: Vito! It’s free.

Sgt. Angle Reporting for duty!

Throughout my daily 12-hour workouts hardcore weight-lifting and gun-toting, I’ve lately become so well-endowed with muscular strength that I’ve passed up multiple opportunities for viewing terrible great films. With the idea of catch-up in mind, as well as the thought that I have not contributed to your reasoning when choosing the next expensive feature to spend your own hard-earned money on, here is a set of reviews of films I have watched in the last two weeks, in chronological order. There’s no reason to drown ourselves in the Christmas spirit, you all know the greatest holiday films of all time, so don’t complain to me about not spreading the words of Jesus Christ this week — you’ll get enough of that in about three days.

Oh those eyes.…

1. Up in the Air — George Clooney travels the country firing people until a young, naive newcomer causes a ripple in the current state of things. Anna Kendrick plays the young hotshot, a very cute, sexy young woman who is on her way to big things in Hollywood and the world. Also, Vera Farmiga plays a fellow traveler who starts a love affair via occasional rendezvous with Clooney’s character. The film is paced well, shot well, and acted beautifully, from a refined and often surprising script by Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner. “Up in the Air,” I award thee Four out of Five Rifles.

2. The Blind Side — Based on a true story, Sandra Bullock is an aggressive, successful mother, who takes in a struggling, very large black teenager off the street, and helps the protective boy overcome a lack of education to become a professional NFL player. The movie plays out exactly as it sounds like it would, exactly as the trailer leads you to believe: syrupy, melodramatic, not quite as dark as it could be, and just on the safe side of “cheesy”. A few words to writer/director John Lee Hancock: stick with writing, let someone else direct. “The Blind Side,” I award thee Two out of Five Rifles.

Ahhh, Heaven.

3. The Lovely Bones — Based on the best-selling, stunningly easy to read despite the subject novel by Alice Sebold, Peter Jackson takes up directing reigns for the story of Susie Salmon, a 14-year-old girl, as she is murdered and watches her family deal with grief from her vantage point in Heaven. Unlike the book, the adaptation takes place over one year rather than 20. Also, the thrills are amped up, and the creepy killer/neighbor, Mr. Harvey, is brought center-stage, having more encounters with Susie’s father, played by a clueless Mark Wahlberg (actually fits the character, this time around). Like Jackson’s King Kong update, The Lovely Bones wades through thick melodrama and clunky vignettes rather than being driven by an aggressive plot. Music isn’t so great, either, and even the visuals of the afterlife are more cartoon than acid-trip-real. “The Lovely Bones,” I award thee Two and a Barrel out of Five Rifles (thanks to Stanley Tucci).

His way or no way.

4. Avatar — The Big Kahuna, James Cameron’s latest epic, which supposedly will change the way films are made and viewed, not only “raises the bar, it throws the bar away.” Well, the bar is definitely higher. Not only does Cameron apply so many visual effects you absolutely wonder how certain things can’t be real (why aren’t there floating mountains?), but he uses them properly and only when needed. The story leaves something to be desired, but overall, the adventure, fun, and excitement felt are real emotions, stuck in a 3D image on a screen that makes you feel like the Na’vi: larger than life. Cameron once said that he hoped Avatar would bring people back into the theater, the place where movies are meant to be seen. For Avatar, this is not only a hopeful outcome, but the only outcome. “Avatar,” I award the Four out of Five Rifles.

5. Crazy Heart — A genuine surprise of pleasure, Crazy Heart’s summary does not bode well for optimists: A washed up country star hooked on alcohol fights to hold onto his dignity despite falling through the cracks of stardom. Basically, Jeff Bridges smokes and drinks his way through tiny pub shows in southern US. He fights with his agent over offers to simply write songs for a former protege, and falls in love with Maggie Gyllenhaal. When the rival pop-country star Tommy Sweet (Colin Farrell) reconnects with “Bad Blake,” things take a turn for the worse as Bad struggles to swallow his pride and taste the sweetness of success. I’m spending a lot of space here describing the story, because at first glance the movie looks all but 1/4 depressing, and it’s truly not. I’m not a big country music fan, though I do love my hats and my bull-riding girls, and the music in Crazy Heart, written and produced by T Bone Burnett (O Brother, Where Art Thou? Soundtrack), is compiled of original tunes that are at once catchy, and again more meaningful because we actually SEE the stories behind the music unfolding before our eyes. Also, Bridges and Farrell sure can sing.

Jeff Bridges said to director Scott Cooper one day that even he believes this film to represent his own finest acting performance ever. This from the star of The Last Picture Show and The Big Lebowski. He just may be right. “Crazy Heart,” I award thee Four out of Five Rifles — and a shot in the air salute to Bridges.

The growth on Mandela’s back was too much to bear.

6. Invictus — The standard for Clint Eastwood has fallen from near-perfection (Letters From Iwo Jima) to acceptable greatness with his latest, about Nelson Mandela’s strategy of using the South African rugby team to bring blacks and whites together so soon after Apartheid ended. Morgan Freeman seems born to play the role of Nelson Mandela, not only because of similar looks but also because he easily carries that calm demeanor and stable sensibility, a common sense logic applied to even the toughest of situations. Matt Damon carries his weight in this film of giants (Eastwood, Freeman), tossing and grabbing on the rugby field like a man used to grappling with other men. While the movie slips into preaching once every few scenes, the simple metaphors combine nicely with the rugby scenes for both excitement and a common sense understanding of the events on screen — as if Mandela himself were recalling the story to our very ears and eyes. “Invictus,” I award thee Three out of Five Rifles.

7. An Education — Surprisingly twice as good as I expected, this 1961 set piece is based on a book, but the script was written by Nick Hornby, the writer of the books High Fidelity and About a Boy. Jenny is a teen girl on the verge of becoming a woman and being accepted into Oxford. She’s got the strength to stand up to authority, but her inner child and naivete seems to come into its’ own when she meets David (Peter Sarsgaard), a socialite who focuses on the fun rather than the work, and takes Jenny under his wing. While Alfred Molina remains reliably emotional as Jenny’s father, it’s Carey Mulligan’s (Jenny) movie, here, and you’ll do good to pay attention to this young one. She radiates comfort, ease, as if she just walked off the street and in front of the camera as if she knew it was there all along. The movie itself lags a bit in the middle, and at a certain point, because of traditional filmmaking style, we know what’s coming, but thanks to amazing acting we’re treated to a few surprises and moments of honest reactions. “An Education,” I award thee Four Rifles.

I suppose that, in honor of Christmas, you must be treated to a holiday movie review. The film I’ve chosen has nothing in common with the holidays — at first glance — except the title. “Three Kings” was released in 1999 and starred George Clooney, Ice Cube, Mark Wahlberg, and Spike Jonze (yes, the director). Directed by David O’Russell, Three Kings takes place in Kuwait during the first Iraq War. The US forces are readying to pull out their troops after the cease-fire has been declared. Four soldiers are determined to take the opportunity to swipe some of Saddam’s gold from one of his bunkers. In the process, people are killed, and civilians beg to be saved from the oppressive government that will be left in place when the US forces leave.

Three Kings is, I believe, the quintessential war film of the late 20th century. The action is not overbearing, but in your face and relevant. The characters shine because, for all their faults and cracks, they are whole. They arc, they change, and motivations adapt based on each new situation thrown at them. Lastly, the spirit of the movie changes from war film to heist film to straight drama as our “three kings,” the American soldiers, decide to change the course of things to come for even a small group of people.

Go out now, and then, buy a ticket to one of the movies above. Watch it, and write back below with what you thought. Let’s see how many rifles you’re willing to give for some of your favorites of the last month.

Until next time.

Sgt. Angle.