Last week Sgt. Angle posted a report on remakes in Hollywood. After unleashing some argument against most remakes he said, “here’s the part of the post where I could allow Mr. Wolff to overtake my bearings, to guide my hand on a rant of self-assured righteousness about the negativity of remakes on originality in Hollywood; on the lack of a truly creative, unique film; on a general disregard and disrespect for the American moviegoers who pay $6 for popcorn and pick their teeth through the opening credits while talking on their cell phones, and who refuse to stay for a movie with subtitles. But I won’t go there.”
So I will.
Today I’m going to discuss (and by discuss I mean write without the ability to listen to you): (1) the negativity of remakes on originality in Hollywood; (2) the lack of truly creative and unique films; (3) my general disregard and disrespect for the American moviegoer who is willing to pay $6 bucks for popcorn and pick their their teeth through the opening credits while talking on their cellphones, and who refuse to stay for a movie with subtitles. If you fit into any of those categories, then this blog is a hearty, ball-grabbing, spit-chucking, noogie-filled “fuck you.”
Remakes, in and of themselves are not a problem to me. Clash of the Titans is coming out and I greatly desire to see it. Twelve Monkeys was technically a remake, an expansion if nothing more, and that got me giggling like a schoolboy in a priest’s arms. Even The Departed and Ocean’s 11 were done once before and I have no problem there. To show you what’s wrong with remakes, I’m going to unveil a few that make a Sarlacc vomit: Planet of the Apes, Shaft, Psycho… You seeing a trend? None of these “remakes” did anything to improve upon the first. Movies like The Departed and Twelve Monkeys took foreign brilliance and made them digestible for Americans (something we’ll address in a moment), while Ocean’s 11 took a premise of cool and allowed for a superior troupe of actors to have a good time (and if you think the original actors were superior, you should be mauled by this). And in all three of those films, the directors were allowed to add their own flair to the piece, making it truly “their own.” Remakes like Planet of the Apes, which definitely reeked of Burton, distanced themselves so much from the original that fans forgot the first — this is a bad thing when the movie your presenting can’t stand on it’s own two feet as anything but a remake. So, with films like The Amityville Horror remake being remade not four years after the last was buried, do yourselves a favor America: stay at home. Force the studios to put out GOOD FUCKING MOVIES, remake or no. I promise, if you stop paying to stare at shit on a wall for two hours, the studios will stop putting it out, which brings me to my next point…
A note to Hollywood: Some of you are trying new things, putting out original work and blowing my mind. Peter Jackson, David Fincher, James Cameron, Sam Raimi — keep it up. But some of you, some of you assholes insist on creating tripe that makes money off of stupid people again and again. You may be thinking, “What? Surely not me!” Well, if you’re name is Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence or Ashton Kutcher, or if you have worked with any of those wastes of DNA, then yes, I’m talking to you. There are many, many more than those three in Hollywood that insist on rehashing tired, used and overly obvious plot devices, actors and storylines in order to make a quick buck, but I feel you should know that you’re not fooling anyone. You may make a ton of money, fine. You may have sex with supermodels, sure. But 99% of the WORLD thinks you’re a talentless douchebag and we’d really like you to stop breathing, or at least making movies. Seriously.
Fucking Seriously.
Now, to address the final point: The American Moviegoers. Let’s start with the asshole who goes to movies as if they are his own stage, making fart sounds, talking on his cell phone, or unleashing a series of bad jokes to impress his ugly girlfriend or adolescent friends who really wouldn’t like him if he didn’t have a “sweet ride”: You are a fucking idiot. If you make one more off the cuff remark while I try to watch The Road, I swear to God in heaven that I am going to kick your balls so hard, they break you teeth when they shoot out your mouth. You’re not funny and your dick is small. To the rest of you retards too dumb to read subtitles, why are you in a movie theater? Go back to school you igna’nt piece of shit, or, better yet, go find a nomadic group of cannibals and feed yourself to them, at least then you would have served some purpose. If you don’t like a movie, that’s fine. We’ve all seen some very legitimate pieces of crap, but shut up until the movie is over or leave. Seriously. It’s not funny and you make me wish I had herpes so I could teabag you in front of everyone.
Short and sweet this week. More “rant” than style, but hey, it’s my blog. And to Sgt. Angle: My righteousness is not self-assured, your mom told me.
Til next time,
Mr. Wolff
PS: I realize there were no fun photos or videos, so here’s a video of a chubchub breaking his Wii on Christmas.
Tags: Mr. Wolff, Sgt. Angle
To be fair, Peter Jackson DID direct a remake of King Kong, put his stamp on it and all and made it original enough (I think) to be considered more than a remake. However, because of the spectacle of it, the original is passed up for the flashy new effects of the new one, thus feeding your point that the remake is (sometimes) watchable simply for the fact that it’s a remake, nothing more.
Informative post! I Googled around for this… I stumbled upon your site!
I have a Political Satire site of my own at White Rabbit Cult… Anyway would you care if I placed a return link from my blog site to your web site?