Let’s get the obvious out of the way — MYTHOI Birth: Vito has just been put out for your undeserving eyes.  Check it out now.  If you don’t, I hope your genitals rot and ruin Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas…

Last week I made a quick trip to the North Pole in my HumV Hybrid (I care about the earth) and you know what I found?  Nothing.  No fat red man with a gaggle of little people making toys, no reindeer, especially not one with a red nose, and not one single toy.  Surprised?  Probably not.  That’s because Christmas isn’t about gifts or lies or any other preconceived notion you may hold in your head.  Allow me to explain my frustration…

Yesterday while ordering my iced coffee from a chain of thankfully dying, yet uniformly standard coffee shops that start with “Star” and end with “bucks” I heard a man, who shall henceforth be titled “Shitstick,” berate a barista with large breasts about her farewell.  She said, “Have a Merry Christmas.”  Well Shitstick wasn’t having that.  He let the pair of her have it, going off on how “corporate America” shouldn’t endorse “Christian” holidays and how offended he was to have such sentiments “thrown in his face…”  I’m sure he would have gone on and on had I not jammed my size 12s up his ass, knocking his double-tall cup of douche all over his person.

He left and I bedded the barista — duh.

The point is this: It’s Christmas.  Fucking Christmas.  This is not a time of year for bitching and moaning, it’s a time of harmony, peace and goodwill towards men.  I know that the word “Christ” in the title scares some of you weaker bastards, but let me spell this out for you: Christmas, in the modern rendition, has nothing to do with  Christ unless you’re a Christian.  It’s okay to celebrate the holiday and NOT be a Christian.  Who cares if Jesus get’s a little more attention?  Really!  Who?  Do you think Santa Claus has a rosary around his fat neck?  No way!  It would hit Mrs. Claus in the face when they bang on the toy tables (and you know they do).

The world is full of assholes and moments of assholery from decent people all year long.  Can’t we just use Christmas as a way to get the fuck along with everybody?  Just for a limited time?  If Shitstick had just said, “Thanks” then the barista would’ve had a good day, he wouldn’t have douche all over him and I wouldn’t be feeling like the teacher of Special Ed enlightening you tools on the harmonious implications of togetherness.  Let the Christians have Christmas.  Let the Jews have Hanukkah.  Let the Africans who choose it, have Kwanzaa.  And let any other group have whatever it is they want to have on or around December 25th.  As long as it doesn’t cause you any physical harm, let the forest nymphs celebrate the winter solstice.  Just go John Lennon and let it fucking be.

Here’s your homework: On or around Christmas I want you to smile at someone whose beliefs are different from your own and wish them well.  I know it’ll be really hard for some of you, but trust me, you’ll feel better after doing it.  Then I want you to go to your local strip club, get a lap dance and tip well.  That’s my gift to you: tell people you have to because Mr. Wolff said so.

Merry Christmas, bitches.

Mr. Wolff.

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