At midnight tonight we will begin not only a new year, but a new decade.  The last ten years have been…interesting.  We’ve had our ups (conquering racial boundaries with the election of an African-American President) and downs (the the realization that our African-American president is, at the end of the day, still a politician), but nobody can say we didn’t try our damnedest to make it memorable.  Unfortunately, some things/people will be remembered in ways the contrary to their hopes.  With that in mind I would like to close the otts with a tribute to the worsts of the decade in five fields: Television, Film, Comics, Music and Celebrity.

Television:  Heroes (2006)

If you’re familiar with my writing, then you know I despise Heroes.  Whilst some of you may be wondering if I have labeled them the worst of the decade for personal reasons, allow me to be clear: I have.  You see, TV shows come and go.  To find “the worst” according to ratings would be somewhat trivial as I would have to sift through an onslaught of shows that never were and describe them to you, since you probably never had the chance to see them.  Now, what makes Heroes the worst?  The fact that it started so strong and fell so flat.  I’ve exhausted myself on previous occasions berating this show so I will keep this somewhat short:  Heroes started in 2006 as a hot girl in high school — she had a nice rack, breasts to make a goddess envious and the playful kind of personality that would impress your parents at dinner and then fuck you something rotten in private.  But as seasons went on and Heroes left high school, she got dirty and fat.  She became abusive and started stealing from other (better) stories without the slightest semblance of an apology.  Then, before anyone knew what happened, we came home from a hard day at work to find our parents dead with Heroes stroking a dick she’d grown while worshiping an altar to some evil little bastard in the shape of Uwe Boll.

Film:  Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever (2002)

Lucy Liu is hot.  Antonio Banderas is great.  So what doomed this potential money maker?  Everything.  The story was weak, the action was too much (and think about that for a second — “too much”) and the acting was, well, there wasn’t any really.  Currently Ballistic has a 00% on Rotten Tomatoes, in the company of: Witless Protection (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), and Pinocchio (2002).  I tried watching this movie once and one time only.  I was unable to finish it because I killed myself five minutes in after I saw something about nanobots or a homosexual orgy — I forget.  Point is, I killed myself and when I got to Hell, Satan tried to make me watch Ballistic for eternity, when he heard that they had released his torture of choice on Earth, he cried in a corner while I slipped out of hell, slapping some succubi ass on my way out.

Comics:  Trouble (2003)

Let’s start with the obvious:  Mark Millar is one of the best comic book writers ever.  That being said:  WHAT THE FUCK MAN?!  If you’ve never read Trouble, here’s the abridged version:  Aunt May (yeah, the old woman who looks after Spider-man) was a slut who got knocked up when she slept with her friend’s boyfriend.  Turns out she is Peter’s mom, but just barely since she almost aborted his ass when she went nuts learning of her spawn.  Instead, she had Peter, dropped him off with Mary and Richard (whom we thought were Peter’s parents) and goes home like nothing every happened.  First of all, I don’t ever, ever want to see sweet old Aunt May whoring out with two guys in one comic, even if she does have huge breasts — it’s just creepy.  And second, don’t fuck with Spider-man’s back story.  Leave that shit alone.  There’s enough confusing shit to follow and keep track of and I don’t need to learn about Parker’s skank of a mom who has lied to him forever.  Fuck this book.

Music:  The E.N.D. — Black Eyed Peas (2009)

When the Black Eyed Peas picked up Fergie, it was the best/worst thing they could have done.  It would launch them into the mainstream market and help them to bathe in money for the rest of their lives.  It would also decrease the quality of their music so enormously that musicians would laugh at the mere mention of this once talented band.  Need proof they suck?  They were nominated for a Grammy.  I know that some of you love this band (Fergie included), and that’s okay.  You people are considered tasteless and I don’t care what you think.  You’re probably the same people who think the Jonas Brother’s Movie was “fun,” and that Fred Durst will make a come back.  You’re cute.  Really.  Here, sing with this guy, he’s on your team:

Celebrity:  Michael Vick

According to a US Department of Agriculture report dated August 28, 2008, “Vick, Peace and Phillips thought it was funny to watch the pit bull dogs belonging to Bad Newz Kennels injure or kill the other dogs.”  Vick was tried and convicted, spent a little time in jail and ultimately wound up playing football again for the Philadelphia Eagles.  Folks, I know I can be a bit insensitive to women, retards and various forms of stupid, but abusing animals is an evil above most other evils, surpassed by only by Hitler and just above punching babies.  Michael Vick is a joke.  The laugh comes at the expense of our justice system which has grossly missed the mark.  Vick should be fed to the dogs he abused and then forced to drink the urine of puppies for the rest of his days.  Get this: He won the Eagles award for courage a week or so ago.  Courage, huh?  Fuck you.  What Vick did was the largest, most inexusable act of negligence performed by any other celebrity in the last decade.  I hope he gets rabies.

In less than 24 hours it will be 2010 and the beginning of the next decade.  I know that Semantink has a shitload of goodies lined up and I can only hope that the economic slump lessens with time, but the nice thing about the future is the opportunities it presents.  Get out there and do something awesome people.  If you insist on being a dumbass, stop breathing so the rest of us can try and make the world a little better than when we found it.

Until next year,

Mr. Wolff.

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