Happy Friday everyone,

After Mr. Wolff’s scathing review of the movie Legion (which I wholeheartedly agree with), I started thinking about comic books that had sucked as mightily as Legion had. While I came up with a few, it was much easier to think of comic book characters that were as poorly conceived as that abomination of a movie. So, ladies and gentlemen, what follows is a list of the lamest characters ever created in comics, a tribute to the movie Legion.

Maggott– Most characters from the 1990’s were exempt from this list, as they have their own special 90’s crapiness vortex that they are stuck in. One exception to this rule is Maggot, a character so stupid earned a spot in the lameness hall of fame. This one time X-man had the amazing mutant power to control two robot slugs who would, get this: digest his food for him. He was also blue for some reason.

Stilt-man– Many technology based villains in comics can seem lame when they are no longer cutting edge. Klaw was cool, until holograms became common place. The Sentinels were scary until any 8 year old with an internet connection could build a cooler robot. However, Stilt-man was never cool. Ever. This is a character who decided the best way to commit a crime was to don a mechanical STILT SUIT. This is a character Jean Claude Van Damme would want to play in a movie.

Vibe– Back in the day, DC decided that they wanted to make the JLA cool, and take them from some big bad super team, to a team with street cred. The team was moved from space to Detroit, and given new, trendy members like Vibe. Now to look at Vibe, a gang member/Superhero/ bad Latino stereotype,  you might think, “Man, there is no way this guy was ever cool” And you know what? You are right. This guy was never cool, and to look at him almost sends me into an epileptic fit.

Extrano– Let me give you all a bit of what wikipedia has on Extrano:

“Outwardly resembling nearly every stereotype of a gay man, Extraño initially wore loose colorful garments and has a lively, jovial attitude. He refers to himself as “Auntie” and usually imparts parent-like advice to his teammates.”

He refers to himself as Auntie.

Hawk owl– Over the years, there have been scads of Batman clones/homages/pastiches/ rip-offs. Marvel had Nighthawk in the Squadron Supreme and Wildstorm had The Midnighter in The Authority. I guess that what makes Hawk-owl so egregious. If you have 70 years of Bat-continuity to either copy or make fun of (which Hawk-owl tries to do), It should be fairly easy to make an entertaining character. Ron Zimmerman managed to find a way to make Hawk-Owl so bad, that I actually liked Batman a little less afterwards.

The Floronic Man– If you wanted to take everything that was interesting and creative about Swamp Thing, and remove it from said character, you would get the Floronic Man.

Arm Fall off Boy– I know that the late 1960’s was a time of rampant drug use in our country, and comics were a much different beast back then. However, I can not imagine a time, place, or situation wherein having a dude that could have his extremities fall off would help anyone. Oh, DC, what were you thinking?

Skin– Another character from the 1990’s that I just had to mention, Skin has the amazing power of, wait for it, having lots of extra skin. Yup, his power is to look like an octogenarian’s face. I guess all the other powers were taken.

Big Bertha– This Great Lakes Avenger has the power to go from super hot model to she-whale. Really? That’s a power? If I ate at McDonald’s four times a day, I could have the same power.

Captain Ultra– I end with this guy. WTF?

Thanks for stopping in today folks. Stop by tomorrow for another exciting Geek of the Week column. See you then.

I fought demons once.  It was about four years ago after devouring the worst Pho of my life.  I went to the bathroom after feeling some rumbly-tumblies and what should happen?  A cascade of various ethereal antagonists poured from me like ghost from Spengler’s containment grid.  They taunted me, ridiculed me and smelled really bad.  So I bitch-slapped them with a bible, threw out a few hail-marys and allowed my heavenly stature to repel the hellspawn.  Then, just to spite the devil, I ate more of the Pho-nasty.

The experience I just described to you would make a far superior film than “Legion.”  So you know what we’re getting into here, watch the trailer:

[SPOILER WARNING (Though the only way to spoilt this would be to keep showing it in theaters)]

Now it should first be mentioned that Legion is not a demon movie.  The Exorcist, Exorcism of Emily Rose, Omen — those are demon movies.  Legion is more like a siege movie; think of Assault on Precinct 13, The Alamo or the end of Young Guns.  It’s less about scary demons and much more about a few stereotypes trapped in a diner with the world attacking them.  But ultimately the film fails at being a good siege film, miserably.

The characters are all ancillary — a feat that in and of itself is somewhat impressive.  I think the pregnant girl was supposed to be the lead, but in the way Ana Lucia was a “lead” in LOST, plenty of lines with out any real point.  I’m not going to go into too much detail about the various archetypes because there is nothing new to talk about.  They all suck. White trash, love-sick idiot.  White trash whore.  White trash drunk.  Crippled old black dude.  Young conflicted black dude trying to get his son.  Rich people.  That’s about it.

If the sunlight was piss, and the angel was a moviegoer, this poster would perfectly describe Legion’s viewing experience.

Point is this: you’ve got ten or so people trapped in a gas station diner in the middle of the desert, but somehow the thousands of demons can’t get inside.  Why?  I don’t know.  When the black-eyed buggers first arrive they are repelled by our cliche cast’s litany of automatic weapons and then, give up.  Yeah.  They’re like, “Well, fuck this.  He’s got guns!  There may be an infinite amount of us, but he’s got guns so let’s leave.”  It makes no sense at all.  Could they have kept coming until the diner was eventually overrun?  Yes.  But they didn’t, because if they did that the movie would be over and we’re in for another hour so of this tripe.

Some blabbering goes on in the diner about God being angry and wanting to end the world, but our hero Michael (played by the albino from The DaVinci Code), is going to stop him.  He’s going to stop God.  The God who made him.  The God who made everything.  Yeah.

Well, some other shitty-shit happens for no apparent reason like the prick in the suit who got his neck chewed on by grandma, well he shows back up, on a cross, hung upside down, with boils.  And when his dipshit wife runs out to get him, making a hole in the gas station defenses, he explodes and the boils throw acid all over Dillon from Alien 3 (“Only God can save you know, sistah!”), which was a bummer.

Then we learn that the demons aren’t demons, they’re angels.  Whoa.  Like Michael.  Yet for some reason these angels can’t come straight to Earth like Michael, they have to possess people and look super evil with small baby-shark teeth because Writer/Producer Peter Schink (who has never written a produced film) and Writer/Director Scott Stewart (Director of the Albino once more in the upcoming Priest) said so.

Anyways, the pregnant chick has her baby and the angels have to stop attacking because they can’t attack the baby once born.  I don’t know why.  It wasn’t a problem attacking and possessing little demon children with balloons earlier in the film, but apparently this kid is special.  Why is he special?  No fucking clue.  But he is.  Schink says so.

Gabriel, another archangel, like Michael, shows up with tin-foil wings and decides he’s gonna fuck Michael up.  So everyone else runs away and some hillbilly kid magically gets the same tattoos that Michael has while driving away.  Craziness!

Gabriel kills Michael.  Drunk dad blows up the gas station.  Demon/Angels burn.  Gabriel goes after white trash tattooed guy, mystical angel-stopping baby and single, mobile-home mom.  White trash doesn’t back down and is about to die when…  MICHAEL COMES BACK!  Crazy, right?!?  God realized he was wrong and brought Michael back to kill Gabriel, eve though Gabriel was just doing what he was told!  Damn!  God’s kind of a dick, huh?

Well hillbilly mom and dumbass take baby and hit the road — with a shitload of guns.  Apparently, even though God realized he was wrong, “it’s not over…”  Sequel?

The black guy from Transformers is in this, but I don’t know why.  He should fire his agent.  His agent is a dick.  I don’t know him, but he must be.

The washed up quarterback from “Any Given Sunday” was fine, but he kind of acted like he didn’t want to be in the movie.  Like he was drunk one night, signed something on accident and had to be in this steamy puddle of crap.  All the actors pretty much sucked.  The dialogue was the only thing worse than the acting.  No, the writing in general was the only thing worse than the acting.  Legion is a string of tangents, thrown together like the director worships DaDaism and only read three words from the Bible before deciding to down some Pepto and splatter this film all over America’s chest.

It really is that bad.  You can see it if you want, but I wouldn’t recommend it.  Just watch the trailer — it’s way better than the movie.  Or, better yet, see Book of Eli or rent Pandorum — both of which are great films, recently released.

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

Back to Semantink

Hey, kids! It’s Akatzen, bringing you another Book Report.

January is almost over, and as the first month of the decade draws to a close, I’d like to take a look at the top best-sellers at Barnes and Noble for January. I originally was going to take a look at the New York Times Bestseller List, but they divide it into the top 5 by categories, which would prove to be an awful long post. So I decided that the top sellers of a major chain would probably be an accurate representation of what most of America is reading this month. So here we go!

10. Worst Case by James Patterson

James Patterson novels proliferate the crime thriller genre the way low-calorie frozen foods hit supermarket shelves. There are a lot of them, there isn’t much to them, and ultimately, they just aren’t that good.
“But wait a minute, Akatzen,” you might say, “his novels consistently hit the ranks of bestseller, he’s written more than twenty novels in the past three years, including some for young adult readers, and some of those books have been turned into manga.“
Popularity, unfortunately, does not make a thing good simply because it is popular. Now, it’s not that Patterson’s stuff is bad, it’s just that after reading Stieg Larsson and Thomas Harris you are better able to determine who the masters of the craft really are. Compared to really good crime thriller, Patterson is mediocre, and only very occasionally does a good moment appear in one of his novels.

9. The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks

Nicholas Sparks is the guy that wrote The Notebook, which became the movie a guy has his wife watch when he’s too tired for foreplay but still wants to get laid. Sparks writes what I call “High-brow Romance” novels. The formula is: introduce a love story that stretches out the readers emotions, and then have something happen to make the reader cry. It’s probably why several of his books end up on film.

8. When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead

This novel for young adults has been getting good reviews as a taut mystery and amazing fantasy rolled into one, reminiscent of Madeline L’Engle’s A Wrinkle in Time series. I don’t know much more about it, but in an era of lame vampire novels and cheap Harry Potter ripoffs this sounds absolutely refreshing.

7. Percy Jackson and the Olympians box set by Rick Riordan

Speaking of Harry Potter ripoffs… Riordan’s series has managed to pick up young readers and hang onto them. The basic premise is that the gods of Olympus are alive and well in the present day. And they’ve continued their shenanigans, included mating with humans to spawn demigod children.
Harry Percy is an ordinary boy living an ordinary life until he finds out that his father is actually a wizard Posiedon, god of the sea (and earthquakes), and he is the only one able to stop the evil wizard Voldemort Titan Kronus.
Essentially, the novels sound like a modern day Clash of the Titans ripoff for young adults.

6. A Reliable Wife by Robert Goolrick

Goolrick’s debut novel is about a man and his mail order bride and the scheming, plotting, and loving they get into. Essentially, this book is a steamy bodice ripper with deep and dark psychological problems.

5. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold

Sebold’s novel keeps popping up on best-seller lists, and there is a good reason for it: The novel is excellent. The latest resurgence in popularity stems from the movie that just came out, directed by Peter Jackson, of The Frighteners and Braindead (released in America as Dead Alive) fame. Oh, and The Lord of the Rings.

4. Dear John by Nicholas Sparks

The movie is coming out in February (for Valentine’s Day of course), so a rise in popularity is expected.

3. The Help by Kathryn Stockett

Set in the sixties in Mississippi, the novel follows 3 women as they come together and work to redefine the social lines that keep them tied down. The book’s been getting good press, and looks worth a read.

2. Dear John by Nicholas Sparks

I hate when books release a new edition of the novel, only with a movie poster as the cover.

1. Game Change by John Heilemann and Mark Halperin

This book looked interesting, at first glance. It is touted as being a behind the scenes look at the major candidates in the last presidential election.
At second glance, it turns out that it is mostly gossipy reactions of people who worked on the election campaigns during key moments of the race. It’s news the way Entertainment Tonight is news: BFD.
Still, it is a balanced look at both political parties, which is a rare find when you look for election memoirs.
On the other hand, I’d call it a political book for the American Idol crowd. Thinking readers will want to go elsewhere.

Well, that’s it for this week (and month). See ya in February.
Still paddlin’ the old knew…
_-Akatzen-_

Sgt. Angle Reporting for Duty!

Dear Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Voting Members:

Consider this a filmmaker spotlight, as well as an open letter For Your Eyes Only (I’m talking to you, internet!). What follows is the case for Sam Rockwell’s nomination and eventual victory at the Academy Awards ceremony to take place on March 7, 2010, for excellence in filmmaking for the year 2009.

Over the last few weeks, countless awards shows (both live and taped, both televised and non-televised) have featured one of two actors receiving the award for best actor in a motion picture: Jeff Bridges, for his incredibly subtle and heartfelt, down-and-out country singer in “Crazy Heart”; and George Clooney’s introspective, reflective, and Oscar-engineered downsizing expert in “Up in the Air”. Both are very worthy gentleman, as are “The Hurt Locker”’s Jeremy Renner, Colin Firth in “A Single Man”, and (debatable) Morgan Freeman playing Nelson Mandela playing Morgan Freeman from “Invictus”.

And, just as any of these men are worthy, if not downright perfect, for the Oscar this year, one actor stands out above all the rest: Sam Rockwell. This guy.

straight outta your dreams.

No, I’m not talking about his stunning voiceover in G-Force. Nor do I mean to imply his Son-of-a-Deniro in “Everybody’s Fine.” I’m talking “Moon”.

I must warn you, here and now, that there may well be SPOILERS ahead, however subtle. If you have not seen MOON already (how dare you, movie fans and filmmakers alike!), then you will have some of the plot and interactions ruined by the below comments. However, I will try to refrain from revealing anything past the halfway mark of the film.

Ready?

OK.

Taking from Roger Ebert’s fine review: “At some point in the future (we can’t nail down the story’s time frame), this station on the far side is manned by a single crew member, Sam Bell (Sam Rockwell). He’s working out the final days of a three-year contract and is close to cracking from loneliness. Talking to loved ones via video link doesn’t satisfy. The station is largely automated; it processes lunar rock to extract Helium-3, used to provide Earth with pollution-free power from nuclear fusion….

”The station is large and well-appointed, has entertainment resources and adequate supplies. Sam communicates frequently with the home office … and so does GERTY [the on board A.I. computer]. Sam doesn’t do any actual mining, but his human hands and brain are needed for repairs, maintenance and inspection. One day he’s outside checking up on something, and his lunar rover smashes up. He’s injured and awakens in the station’s medical facility. And that, I think, is all I need to say.”

Sgt. Angle again, here we go. Sam Rockwell plays Sam Bell as an exhausted, blue collar fella who is waiting for the last days of his contract to come to a close, but what he faces is a harsh wake up call, as he confronts himself in more ways than one and forces us, as film viewers and as human beings, to recognize our own faults and fears, our own desires as overshadowed pipe-dreams, and the very true, very real scenario that, however alone we might feel, we will always have to contend with ourselves.

As filmmaking is concerned, MOON is at an expert level. Made for roughly $5 Million, MOON is the debut film of director Duncan Jones (featured in last week’s Cinegasm), son of David Bowie and director of many small music videos. Jones knows how to shoot for cheap – and to shoot cheap well. He used miniatures and practical effects for the “outdoor” scenes on the moon, and intense planning and execution for the green screen / Sam-and-Sam scenes that showcase Rockwell’s ability to play off himself (aka play off of no one else). The resulting commitment of Jones to his source material and Sam Rockwell to the character, to the project as a whole, are worth the 2 hours, and worth the little Golden Man in March.

Sgt. Angle attended an early screening of MOON, at which Duncan Jones was present post-screening for a Q & A. At the time, he said that Kevin Spacey read the script and liked it, but was scared at the low-budget. Fearing cheesy effects, Spacey waited until the film was shot and edited. He then watched the film, and recorded all of his voiceover scenes in one day. The resulting voice for GERTY is cold, dry, yet somehow more touching than any of Sam’s personas.

Likewise, the film’s look and feel, from the setting to the camera angles, are reminiscent of older Science Fiction films of the 70s and 80s, most notable Alien and 2001: A Space Odyssey: Modern rooms, soft, cushioned white and off-white walls, nothing shiny or spectacular. Just the way a space station should be. (*BONUS* Clint Mansell, of Requiem for a Dream and The Fountain, wrote the music for Moon!)

As part of the case for Sam Rockwell’s nomination for MOON, here’s a brief history of the actor:

In the 90s, Rockwell’s acting career gathered momentum with small roles on television and in movies (“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, for one). He starred in a few choice indie films, even one with a young (as in TEN) Mischa Barton called “Lawn Dogs.” Many recognize him as the killer “Wild Bill” in Stephen King’s “The Green Mile”, where a particular scene will make Moonpies forever undesirable across middle America.

After a few more showy supporting parts (“Galaxy Quest”, “Charlie’s Angels”), Rockwell broke free critically with his role as The Gong Show host Chuck Barris in George Clooney’s “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind”. He bounced from this exceptional lead role directly into another critically acclaimed film, “Matchstick Men”, directed by Ridley Scott, and held his own against “the Head” known as Nicholas Cage.

What to do when you realize you have to make Ghostrider 2.

In “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford”, Sam played brother to the coward himself (Casey Affleck), disturbing, dark, brooding. In the world of critics and cinephiles, Sam Rockwell could be known as the poor man’s Christopher Walken – but take away the poor man, and add “new generation”. Just before MOON, Rockwell starred in the latest daptation of a Chuck Palahniuk novel, CHOKE, playing a sex addict who learns about his mysterious origins while fooling people into believing he’s choking, in order to make them feel better about their own existence.

It should be noted that, according to Jon Favreau, Sam Rockwell was considered for the lead in “IRON MAN” before the studio finally caved and cast Robert Downey, Jr. Rockwell will star in the sequel as Justin Hammer, signing on for the role without reading the script or knowing anything about the character.

Surgery works wonders these days.

Sam Rockwell is a fine character actor with lead capabilities, a true independent hero who has mass appeal, is able to charm audiences with his offbeat style and wit. He’s a new form of Steve Buscemi, with a touch of Christopher Walken’s abilities, and a hint – just a hint – of Robert Downey, Jr.’s all around charm. A thrill to watch, anticipate, and observe, Sam Rockwell is truly the Best Actor of 2009.

Buy MOON here, and get thrown for a circular loop.

Until the next invasion…

Sgt. Angle

Good Morning all,

I hope that everyone had a great weekend, and got a chance to watch the crazy football that was played yesterday, man that was fun. Sadly, we all go back to work today, but hopefully I have a few tidbits that can help make the day a little bit more enjoyable. What do we have today?

Targeting the target: Thom Young, over on his Silver Soapbox column (found on the comics bulletin) gives a great review of Fox Television’s The Human Target, pointing out some serious differences between the comic and the TV show.

Super Teams: panelsonpages.com runs down a list of the best creative teams in the business. Plenty of pretty pictures included!

Witty Criticism: I don’t know if I have mentioned it before, but my all time favorite web-comic has got to be COMIC CRITICS. It’s not for everyone, but if you are a fan on the world of comic book nerdery, than this strip is pretty awesome. You can check it out here.

Massively good news: The Bioware video game Mass Effect 2 comes out tomorrow! I just thought you should know.

That’s it for today folks. Thanks for stopping in, we will see you tomorrow with another exciting column from Sgt. Angle.

So first off I wanted to say sorry no post last week. I am putting together a nice tutorial for all you aspiring comic artists. I decided that I should spend a little more time on it to make it better. So in the meantime lets just get on with another Geek Of The Week.

So starting off if you write blogs I recommend you save often and write your blog in something like Microsoft word that is offline so you won’t experience the web hickup I just encountered where my entire post was deleted as I went to publish. All I can tell you now is that the messed up post was probably the best post you were ever going to read. Now you will just have to settle for this crap.

I’m using this thing right now. Crying myself a river from a lost post.

Crappy inventors make crappy inventions. Crappy inventors remind me of people that go around and try to act funny when they really are not at all. Actually crazy inventors are a lot worse sometimes because while a joke can suck but if an invention sucks it could kill you. I will now attempt to recapture what was lost.

1. Phone Fingers

WTF? Yes invented for people that love their touch screen devices but not enough to buy an actual on device cover. Instead you buy these so your hard hands don’t scratch or oily fingers don’t smudge. I really don’t know what is the difference between these and Finger Cots. I prefer to just use a condom and stretch it over my entire hand for proper screen protection. If I’m really in a jam then a popped balloon will work. They even have a sizing chart to help you pick the right size. As soon as I found this out I quickly printed it out and passed it around. Below are our results.

Here is their FAQ

Which size do I need?
You can download and print our size chart to see which size fits best. ( lets see if your as big as Semantink )

How do I put them on?
Gently uproll them on your finger without pressure.

Can I use them more than one time?
Phone Fingers are made of very thin durable latex material. By using them gently they would last for a very long time with multiple usage. ( Your lucky it didn’t break the first time and you want to use it again? )

Do Phone Fingers really work?
Of course they do! A touch screen won’t recognize any difference between bare fingers or wearing Phone Fingers. ( Are you sure my phone wont be able to tell if I’m wearing one. It doesn’t feel the same. )

2. Doggy Side Sack

I don’t know what this thing is called so we will just call it the Doggy Side Sack. Seriously there is a major gap between what was acceptable back in the day from today. I’m sure if you rigged your car up with this thing today someone would call the cops on you. Then you would probably be tasered. The Doggy Side Sack was first debuted in Popular Mechanics in 1963.

2. Anti Eating Face Mask

Yup the Anti Eating Face Mask. I think this is related to the Face shackle made of Bumcivillian’s cousin, Iron. This is an actual patent. A lady is the inventor of this device and her name is being withheld. I don’t how this thing is supposed to keep you from eating. I mean you can just take it off. Why not just wear a bag over your head or a motorcycle helmet. I’m sure either one of these would attain the same results. I think this thing looks like a S&M Device myself.

3. Shoe Fitting Device

Hmm Shoe Fitting Device sounds like a good idea. I think so to. You may have even used a shoe fitting device before as well. That being said you never used one of these. This one used X-rays to see through the shoe in order to tell if you were getting a good fit. Pretty cool just stick your foot in that hole turn it on and wallah the shoe fits and your sex organs don’t work anymore. Yes they didn’t know about the harmful effects of repeated use X-rays on the human body. I’m sure it was pretty cool though to see your bones.

4. Smile Monitor

Only in Japan would you find something like this. A railway company is now subjecting their employees to this smile detector machine. Before their employees can work the must first have their smiles analyzed. The program will rate their smile and when they have achieved a 100% a photo is taken, printed out, and handed to the employee to carry around so they can be reminded how to smile with a 100%.

5. Fire Box Prank Detector

So I don’t know how this is supposed to help anyone. I guess that back in the day before we all sat in front of screens and drooled we actually used to run around outside. Yeah crazy idea. It must have been boring though because pulling fire alarms was the funnest thing they could do. So the Fire Box Prank detector was created. You pull this fire alarm and a lock slide over your wrist and keep you there until the Fire Dept. can unlock you. But wait say it is a real emergency. Well then society thanks you for doing your part and will hold a moment of silence to honer your death before they get back to debating witchcraft science being taught in schools.

6. Pedestrian Collision Detection

Wow so if you really need a piece of software to tell you that you have hit a pedestrian then please stop driving. If you hit something when your driving don’t you get out to look and see what it was. Who keeps driving like nothing happened. If this is sounds like you would you even stop when the system said you hit a person or would you just go wow I thought it would feel different to run over someone.

7. Baby Window Cage

Yup the baby window cage. Once again we see how different we have become as a society from years past. I think Micheal Jackson ( is it too soon. Woops too late I’m already writing it ) was the only person that tried to order one of these. You know Micheal was Peter Pan and his kids were the lost boys and they would love to hang out a window to remember when they used to be able to fly around. Who would trust this thing with their kids. If you do know someone that would don’t tell me about it tell CPS.

These last inventions come to you from a show that aired called American Inventor. This show was ran like American Idol. You had a panel of judges and they would travel around the country and have people show off their inventions. These are the best of the worst.

7. Reinventing The Wheel

This guys is certifiably crazy. I was ready for this guy to start killing the judges. At least his invention has a subliminal safety feature built into it.

8. Bullet Ball

This guy created a new game that he thinks is so good they will have it in the Olympics. When you play Bullet Ball you look like two bums trying to scare flies away. This game was most likely created after him and his wife did a Speed Ball. Don’t let this guys sappy speech fool you into thinking he sold all that stuff for Speed I mean Bullet Ball.

9. Pet Petter

Its a busy world out there isn’t it, and it keeps getting busier. Wow I’m sold. The Pet Petter sounds like a device I invented called the Auto-spinner but enough about my inventions. This thing looks like it would kill a pet instead of sooth it. Aww such a good boy! num num num num num. Scary!

Well that wasn’t so bad. Not as good as the one you missed but good enough. Check back next week for some possible download goodies. Until next weeks Geek, I’m Street Fece and I’m OUT!!

Happy Friday Semantinkerers!

First off, if you live in southern California, I hope that you are weathering the weather okay, it has been crazy this past week!, Secondly, it is time once again for another cover of the month feature, huzzah!

For our big guy cover of the month I actually have a couple of choices:

First, we have the cover to GARRISON #1 by Francecso Francavilla from DC/WILDSTORM. I love the use of negative space to define the main character, and the way the background montage gives us plenty of plot points to ponder until the book comes out.

My second choice is DEADPOOL #10 from Marvel comics and artist Arthur Suydam. Suydam is best known for his MARVEL ZOMBIES covers, but having the Merc with a mouth threaten me with silverware tickled me pink.

For the small publisher cover of the month I also had a tie this month:

I absolutely love this cover to ATOMIC ROBO AND THE REVENGE OF THE VAMPIRE DIMENSION #2. Scott Wegener handled the art for this book from Red 5. I love the whole Toy Story vibe that’s going on with this cover, and big robots always make me happy.

My last cover this month is OKKO: THE CYCLE OF AIR by Hub and Archaia comics. The use of color on this cover is amazing, very reminiscent of an old Japanese painting and the overall composition of this cover really did it for me.

Well, that’s it for this installment of Cover of the Month. Thanks for stopping in, I’ll see you tomorrow!

An acquaintance of mine was enjoying a coffee-flavored beverage with me the other night, discussing world news and other boring shit when the quake in Haiti came up and he bellowed, “wouldn’t that suck if it happened here?”  I lost my shit.  I went to my car and grabbed the oil funnel and some tape.  I proceeded to hit him over the head with something hard, bent him over the patio furniture provided for our convenience and taped him there with his pants down.  The I stuffed the oil funnel in his ass and poured the remainder of his 170 degree coffee into his intestines.

What does he mean by “here?”  Did “here” mean San Diego?  The greater San Diego County?  California?  The United States?  What the fuck does “here” mean?  I know that so many of our fine readers have already given what they can — nobody is asking more than that.  But here’s the thing: it did happen here.  It happened to humans on Earth and is therefore everybody’s problem.  Yours.  Mine.  And the douchebag with the burning-java-colon.

A couple of hours ago a 5.7 aftershock slammed Haiti once again.  More people will die — as in dead.  I’m sorry to be Debby-Downer here but I just don’t feel like some people understand the severity of the situation.  As of Tuesday, January 19th, the confirmed deathtoll was at 72,000, with estimates reaching over 200,000.  To compare it to some of the more recent “here” events: In Louisiana, Hurrican Katrina took almost 1500 lives, that’s 00.75% of what’s going on in Haiti; On September 11, 2001, terrorists killed around 3000, that’s 01.5% compared to Haiti.

Is any of this sinking in?  I’m sorry if I seem a bit stand-offish, but some of you don’t get it.

To those of you who have given anything at all I want you to know how much I thank you.  I have no direct ties to Haiti, no family or friend directly affected by the quake, but I find those of you who do give refreshing and a reminder that some do care.

If you have nothing to give or are unable to give at this time I ask only that you encourage people who can to do so.  I know times are tough on everybody so I won’t condemn those of you who are unable to give anything.  I only ask that you pray, to whomever it is you pray to, for those in Haiti, whether haitian or would-be rescuer.  And I thank you for your thoughts.

Now, to those of you who are able to give but find it inconvenient or don’t want to spend any of the money in your video game fund or stripper money, I say this very plainly: Fuck you.

Want to know how to help?  It’s easy.

1.  Go here.

2.  Donate money.

And for the lazy: text the word “Haiti” to 90999 to make a $10 donation to the Haiti relief effort. The donation, which will be received by the Red Cross, will show up on your next phone bill.  It really is that easy.

I thank all of you who are giving and apologize for the lack of humor in this weeks rant.  I had intended to write something more entertaining, but, well, the first paragraph explains the detour.

Thanks.

Mr. Wolff

Back to Semantink.

Hey kids! It must be Wednesday, because here I am again, with another Book Report. This week I want to spotlight one of the most popular authors of the past thirty years: Stephen King.

There aren’t many authors still living who can boast the number of bestsellers Stephen King has put out. Or the number of books adapted into movies, television shows, or adapted into comics. He is the highest paid horror novelist ever and truly an American icon in literature.

His first novel, Carrie, was published in 1974 (and made into a film in 1976, directed by Brian De Palma, also remade as a tv movie in 2002), but King had been writing for quite some time prior to that. He worked for University of Maine’s school newspaper, doing a column called ‘The Garbage Truck’ and his first professional story was published while he was still a student, in 1967 (He has since returned to writing journalism; Entertainment Weekly publishes his column “The Pop of King” in their magazine once a month).

King’s next seven novels also made it onto screens big and small. ‘Salem’s Lot (published in 1975) was made into a miniseries in 1979 (and 2004). The Shining (published in 1977) became a horror movie classic under the direction of Stanley Kubrick in 1980 (and remade as a miniseries in 1997). The Dead Zone (published in 1979) hit theaters in 1983 (also remade as a miniseries in 2002). Firestarter (1980) came out in 1984. Cujo (1981) brought the fear of rabies back into American consciousness in 1983. Pet Sematary (1983) made it on the big screen in 1989 (and production is underway on the remake). Christine (1983) was released in theaters the same year it was published. Overall, Stephen King has had more than forty of his works released in movie theaters or on television (with The Shining, Stand By Me, and It being probably the most popular with viewers).

Granted, a body of work consistently translated to film doesn’t necessarily make him a good author. But he is. One of the best series I’ve ever read is King’s Dark Tower novels. The seven novels, written over a span of 22 years, is as high fantasy as J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings. Inspired by “spaghetti western” films and Robert Browning’s poem “Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came” (which is itself a line from King Lear by Shakespeare), the books also bear the distinction of having a connection with sixteen otherwise unrelated King novels. The beginning is so simple, yet hints at the epic journey yet to come.
“The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.“

In addition to the seven novels (with an 8th announced recently, taking place in the time between books 4 and 5), The Dark Tower recently had some of its history explained in comic books. Writers Peter David and Robin Furth, and artists Jae Lee and Robert Isanove, fill in much of the history of Roland the Gunslinger and what happened to the world before book 1 of The Dark Tower. A new online experience titled Discordia also explores and deepens the world of The Dark Tower.

In my previous post about pseudonyms, I mentioned Stephen King creating a man named Richard Bachman. King has stated he created the character as an attempt to make sense of his career. At the same time, during that period of time, publishers felt that authors should only release one novel per year, so as to not over-saturate the market. King worked hard to disabuse any notion that he and Bachman were the same person, but a persistent bookstore clerk in Washington D.C. eventually “outed” King, pointing to records in The Library of Congress showing King as the true author of Bachman’s books.
In 1985, a press release was sent out announcing Bachman’s death, due to “cancer of the pseudonym, a rare form of schizonomia”. At the time, King was working on Misery, which he had planned on releasing as Bachman (after its release, Misery was made into a film in 1990 and also an Off-Broadway play).
Before his “death”, Bachman released five novels: Rage (1977), The Long Walk (1979), Roadwork (1981), The Running Man (1982, the film starring Arnold Schwarzenegger came out in 1987), and Thinner (1984, the film came out in 1996).
Two Bachman manuscripts were “discovered” after his “death” as well. The first, The Regulators (1996), was released the same day Stephen King released Desperation. The two books were actually companion novels, about the same town in two alternate realities. When placed together, the two covers were designed to form a single picture. In 2007, “Bachman” released Blaze, which King had originally started working on before Carrie was even published. He reworked and rewrote and updated the novel to be current for its release.

The first Bachman novel, Rage, was allowed to go out of print after the Heath High School shooting in 1997. The plot of the book was about a student that terrorizes his high school, and the book was supposedly found in the possession of other students who committed high school shootings. King wrote that it was “a good thing” that he and the publishers allowed the book to go out of print.

Stephen King’s most recent novel, Under the Dome hit shelves in November 2009. Originally, it was another old manuscript (similar to Blaze) that King couldn’t figure out how to finish. It’s a great story with a simple premise: A clear, indestructible dome suddenly appears around the exact borders of a small, northeastern town one day. The book is a great study of small town values and what happens to decent (and some not-so-decent) people when their lives are suddenly seceded from the rest of the country. As just a story, Under the Dome is a whopping good yarn. As allegory, there are a variety of different messages you can take from the book, though all of them tend to be left of the political center. But don’t let that stop any of you right-wingers from enjoying the read, because odds are good that it won’t.
There is already talk of Under the Dome being turned into a cable miniseries, and like many of his other novels, there are hints of a connection to The Dark Tower novels.

Stephen King also published a book titled On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft (2000). Part autobiography, part practical advice, the book ranked 21 on Entertainment Weekly’s list of The New Classics: Books — The Hundred Best Reads from 1938–2008.

But out of all the lessons that I learned from all of Stephen King’s books, I think the biggest idea I picked up was: Don’t Live in Maine*.

Until next week, dear readers.
Still paddlin’ the old knew…
_-Mike-_

*Obviously, Maine is a perfectly fine place to live in.

Sgt. Angle reporting for duty!

Welcome back from a glorious three-day tribute to MLK, Jr. Hope you’re rested and free from all that holds you down. Me, I’ve got a bone to pick with the Hollywood Foreign Press.

Anyone living under a rock may not be aware, but I expect the rest of you to be with me on this. The Golden Globe Awards played out live on the flopping fish known as the NBC network, and all was well until the end disaster, the hat trick of bizarre choices to carry home the shiny orb: Sandra Bullock for Best Actress Drama (The Blind Side), James Cameron as Best Director and for Best Picture (Avatar).

Now, Sandra Bullock is a fine lady, and in The Blind Side she shows off a bit more emotion than in her typical romcoms — but that’s because she’s starring in a picture that belongs on the Hallmark channel. But Carey Mulligan held more than just a smile and a coupla tears in An Education, more than enough to clean the floor with the Bullock of today or the Bullock of Demolition Man days.

Likewise, James Cameron more than executed his masterpiece, he delivered a pleasurable reel of unmatched visual grace from any such film this year or of the last decade. That being said, the story was choppy, some fight scenes were predictable, and there wasn’t much in the way of character growth or development. The Hollywood Foreign Press Association is known for running their own awards show for ratings and star-studded evenings, rather than true accolades. But sometimes you need to learn to draw the line between “chasing ratings” and “artistic integrity.” This is a line which the HFPA failed to even indulge on Sunday night.

As far as complete and utter film execution in the year 2009, here are the best choices for Directing in 2009, some nominated the other night, others just below any “common moviegoers’” radar:

Yes, this is really Kathryn Bigelow.

Kathryn Bigelow — The Hurt Locker. What this film lacks in arcs and A — Z storytelling, it makes up for in spades with the tension and editing of the bomb diffusion scenes. Cap on that the harsh performance of Jeremy Renner, and you’ve got a technical achievement to match wits with the best of earth, or Pandora.

Duncan Jones — Moon. A budget of $5 Million and a lunar landscape second only to our Moon itself, Duncan Jones’s feature debut features the best performance you won’t read about last year: Sam Rockwell. And yes, Duncan is David Bowie’s son.

Quentin Tarentino — Inglourious Basterds. War meets spaghetti Western meets the pop-culture infusion of Tarentino’s mind. No one can handle scene structure and the suspense of a long take like him, and it doesn’t hurt that he writes his own material, too.

The Coen Brothers — A Serious Man. Seriously, the Coens pull no punches in their bizarre slice-of-life story of a MidWest professor in the late-60s whose life unravels when his wife has an affair. Dark comedy ensues. A little lighter material for the Coens since No Country for Old Men (not counting the quirky Burn After Reading, of course).

Wes Anderson — The Fantastic Mr. Fox. Stop motion animation done the way it hasn’t been done for sixty years, Anderson takes his sophisticated style to the world of Roald Dahl’s classic children’s story. He apparently took his voice actors out on location (out in the forest, in a sewer) to record their dialogue, which added to the sudden reality to talking animals.

Spike Jonze — Where the Wild Things Are. Overall a bit underwhelming, Jonze’s dedication to the source material and the hopefulness penetrating each scene should be enough to invoke that frog in the back of your throat feeling in any parent, or child. Plus the monsters are all invited to my next mission, wherein I invade another country to build forts out of trees, and a command post for future Angle Operations.

Soon we review the year’s writing accolades, wherein I breakdown the travesty that is the WGA (Writers Guild of America) and their omission of Inglourious Basterds from this year’s nominations (place taken by Avatar. Explain, good sirs).

Signing off.

Sgt. Angle