[Almost all of the following is a lie.]

As you probably know, I hate the objectification of women.  I believe that women are equals to men in every way and have proven themselves to be formidable opponents of men in every capacity imaginable.  Don’t believe me?  How about the WNBA?  Booyah!  Chalk one up for equality, bitches!

Every year around this time of gloom, when movies are typically less than bad, Hollywood/The Music Industry gives themselves “The Stranger” with a numb right hand called award shows, and, thanks to the weather, snow balls describes testicles across the nation, a little magazine publication called Sports Illustrated likes to show the diverse nature of their mission by releasing something called the Swimsuit Edition — just when you think things can’t worse…  The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition makes vomit.  The classless objectification of women as sex symbols is both insulting and depraved.  It is a classless and highbrow attempt to guise America’s perverted obsession with sex as an “artistic expression” of scantily clad, or sometimes completely swimsuitless, beauties in order to fill Sports Illustrated’s pockets while encouraging men (and some women) everywhere to lust just that much more.

Disgusting.

Just to elaborate upon the extent of my vile loathing for this practice, I’d like to show you just a few of some of the 31 “models” so you can understand just what is at stake.  This, America, is what you deserve, you filthy bitch.

This is cover model Brooklyn Decker.  More like Brooklyn Some-one-must-have–decked-her–too-may-time-in-the-face-because-she’s-so-ugly.  Am I right?!?

This soulless ginger is Cintia Dicker. Yes.  Dicker.  You sick bastards…

Next up on the lust-list is Jessica White.  White, like the intense fires of  hell, which is where you adulterous heathens are all headed!

Bar Rafaeli is not only named after a den of sin, but, in this picture, wears the golden skin of the serpent.  So now Sports illustrated is offending women and PETA — the bastards.

I hope I’ve made my point.

Whatever you do, do NOT go to Sports Illustrated where you would be forced to see a lot more of these “beautiful” models in very little clothing at no cost to you.  And if for some ungodly reason you do go to the site, don’t look at the site alone, like I am or you may be tempted to think impure thoughts and take of your pants. In the dark.  Like me.  Right now…

I have to go.

Mr. Wolff

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