Last post, I covered two masters of internal martial arts from the 20th century. There are three kinds of reactions that people have: denial, indecision, or acceptance. I’ve revealed that I’m aboard, and the reasoning that propelled me to that conclusion was founded by a belief in the unknown. But as I sat thinking about it, there is more to it than my belief that the human potential has not been fully tapped. In addition, I believe that we can use the human imagination as contrasted with reality. It’s true that super-heroes and supernatural stories are usually relegated to the literature of children, but there is an undeniable connection between the imagination and the reality that surrounds us. Someone had to envision a particle accelerator, really imagine the thing, before one was created. This is a tricky process because that means that the imagination is dependent on the reality that it encounters. In other words, you couldn’t just jump from the stone age to the nuclear age … or could you? Is technology dependent on single-file, chronological, easily trackable, evolutionary type steps? Or can you have sudden spurts of evolution? Can you skip ahead in the evolutionary cycle without leaving a trace of it behind?

The thought that predominates our Western perspective of history is that we are the culmination of all human civilization that came before us. We are the most technologically advanced, the most evolved, the prettiest, the smartest, and the most dominant of the space that we inhabit. This gives a very tidy (and incredibly anthropocentric) view of our species today. But there are some troubling relics out there that challenge that view. The first, which was hotly debated but has been recently reconstructed, is the Antikythera machine.

Those that are familiar with the Antikythera machine are probably familiar with the content in this article by Live Science. The origins of the machine are interesting as well and suggest that there may have been more than one of these little devices. In 1900, divers off the coast of the little island of Antikythera found the device inside of an ancient cargo shipwreck in fragments. The picture here shows all of the fragments that the divers brought to the surface, and researchers from around the world have been reconstructing for over a century. Modern technology has helped in the analysis of the pieces as well, though some of the parts are hypothetical. If you read the article, then you know that the machine functions as a very accurate astronomical calculator that could even predict eclipses and trace star patterns. The article also describes the device as, “a clock-like machine consisting of more than 30 precise, hand-cut bronze gears, [which] show it to be more advanced than previously thought—so much so that nothing comparable was built for another thousand years.” This means that the culture that created this device was capable of a metallurgy that far proceeded any culture ahead of it for a millennium.  It is even possible that this device wasn’t even the most advanced machine that those people built, but the most advanced machine from them that we’ve found. Another machine that creates a great amount of skepticism is the Baghdad battery.

Many people have heard about these batteries, but I’ll elaborate a little. Here is an article that provides the information I will paraphrase. The battery works off of gathering electrons from acidic liquids by using different metals (pardon the simplicity of this explanation) and can generate up to two volts of electricity. These batteries could hypothetically be used together, but there is no real explanation for how they were used. There are a lot of theories, but the reality is that we may just not understand the “wiring” of the day because we are expecting them to look like something that we would use today. The important part is that two thousand years ago, someone came up with a concept that would lie dormant until a century or two ago. They came up with technology out of a sync with the rest of the world. This means that some societies and some cultures were really dominant in areas of technology that did not last or were buried under the banner of war, disease, or some other decline of a civilization. This also paints a picture that perhaps we are not as much at the height of all civilization before us. At the end of the BBC article, they mention the last machine that I’ll look at before getting back to the connection with super-heroes or the supernatural: Hero’s engine.

First, no one has any idea what this could have been used for, or if it was even used for any other purpose. Many physics classes use these devices to talk about thermodynamics. The device is named after Hero of Alexandria, but it is unclear if he devised the machine himself or whether his disciples devised it after his passing. Essentially, fire is applied to a kettle that is full of water, the water turns to steam which escapes through two tubes that are bent in opposite directions. When the steam pressure builds, the force of the escaping steam turns the machine. Sound simple? It gets interesting if you add a pole to the bottom of the machine and then attack a simple gear that could turn another gear on an axle. There you would have a two-thousand year old steam engine. Yet another instance of a technology that was developed thousands of years ago but that we credit ourselves with the “correct” application. Ultimately, these technologies paint a picture of technological progress that is not uniform and certainly not necessarily progressive in the kind of sense that we like to envision it. If we start to think that maybe some peoples were incredibly advanced in some aspects of their civilizations while maybe not very advanced in others, we get a picture of a landscape that houses thousands of possibilities; once again, we can maybe understand a bubble of evolution: spasms of development and progress in the unraveling of time that stand alone and unexplainable to us except as fancies of the imagination. But reminders of our inferiority are out there foiling our smug hubris.

What does this have to do with martial arts and specifically those two martial artists? Maybe nothing. I’m willing to concede that, but maybe, just as we’ve seen physical technologies that developed ahead of the curve, certain civilizations developed internal-technologies that were far ahead of our time.  So let’s see where our super-men are at. Here’s some of the craziest acts of strength I found:

This video is impressive because the guy is not that large, and he is able to use his strength multiple times. Check this one out:

Now here comes an interesting video. Most people think that Tank Abbot is a bad-ass, and I don’t doubt that he is, but he can only bench the same amount of weight as the guy above only once. Here’s the proof:

Now check out this interesting little clip. This guy has some incredible control of his body.

This next video shows another expression of strength. It is truly amazing.

Take this video as an example, and I fear that I’m going to have to do one more part on this to get a little more in-depth, but this video shows an indication of how chi could be used in conjunction with hypnosis. This would also explain some of Ueshiba’s video. Here it is: judge for yourselves.

And finally, here is a real fighter. I have nothing but positive things to say about this guy, and I don’t even know if he’s to blame or not, but he can certainly walk the talk.

This guy knocks a bunch of people out with seeming ease. Granted, they’re not level 3 Spartans (Halo reference [I think I got that right]), but imagine what Ueshiba and Cheng Man Ching may have been able to accomplish by using a technology that was thousands of years old but completely effective today as it was back then. Perhaps these men were just more evolved in some sense or were able to utilize a cognitive technology that enabled them to tap into an energy that most of us can’t see. See you next week.

Today is only three days from geek Christmas. That’s right, this Saturday, May 1st is the 9th annual Free Comic Book Day. In honor of this wondrous day of  complimentary 4 color excitement let’s look at the origins of this magical day and see what it means for the comic industry moving forward.

Free Comic Book Day began as the brain child of retailer Joe Field (who owns Flying Colors Comics) back in 2001. The idea was to have a day that could help the industry to attract new fans who might not otherwise pick up a comic, bring back old fans, and reward current comic book aficionados. In 2002 Diamond distribution picked up the idea and ran with coordinating the first FCBD.  Ever since then, the First Saturday in May (with one exception in 2004) has been a day filled with free books.

In the years since FCBD began, over 2000 different retailers across America and 30 other countries have participated in the event, and more than 12 million books have been given away. The publishing initiative has spawned several offshoots and copy cats in a variety of industries as well; Germany is starting their own FCBD, and there is now a Free Magazine Day and a Free Role Playing Game Day (Which sounds interesting and terrifying all at once).

Publishers have used the day to increase awareness of properties and upcoming events. Marvel has used the day to promote upcoming films (the first FCBD was just before Spider-man), as has IDW (with Transformers). DC has set up events like Blackest Night. Smaller publishers like Red 5 have used the day to springboard into the public eye (Atomic Robo was a big hit last FCBD).

Many retailers have turned FCBD into full-on events for shoppers. It’s not just a day to get free swag, at some stores you can meet comic professionals (and collect a signature or two if that what you are looking for), get some free food, and commiserate with like minded funny book enthusiasts.

So has FCBD worked out? Well, it’s hard to tell. Obviously one of the major goals for the day from the retailers’ standpoint was to increase comic readership and comic buyer-ship (yeah, I’m pretty sure I just made that word up).While FCBD has generally provided retailers with a sales spike in May, there is no concrete evidence to show that the free comic books have generated a stronger market for comic books. The same goes for the publishers, there is no data that proves that FCBD helps or hurts publishers.

Despite the lack of evidence one way or another about the effectiveness of FCBD, it does not seem to be in any danger of going away. Every year the event has taken place, more retailers have gotten involved, and the number of free comics available has increased as well. Plus the fans (myself included) love it.

So this Saturday, go find your local FCBD participating retailer (you can find which retailers are involved on the FCBD website) and check out some fun stuff that you wouldn’t normally check out. Oh, and don’t forget to actually buy something while you are there, those retailers still have to pay for the comics even though we don’t. I personally will be going out to 4 Color Fantasies in Rancho Cucamonga to celebrate the day. Thanks for stopping in everyone, and enjoy Free Comic Book Day!

Hi, kids! Welcome back the The Book Report.

He was credited as publishing the first Great American Novel. Earnest Hemingway, in fact, once said of that book that “all modern American literature comes from [it].” He was as famous for his humor as his satire, called “the greatest humorist of his age.” His name was Samuel L. Clemens, and he wrote under the pen name of Mark Twain.

By the time of his death, more than fifty novels and essays were published by Twain. You’ve probably read a few of them. But Mark Twain wrote many articles and gave many speeches that never appeared in a novel collection, and a group of editors formed The Mark Twain Project to track them down. One result of their hunt is Mark Twain’s Helpful Hints for Good Living: A handbook for The Damned Human Race, published in 2004. Another book worth taking a look at is The Bible According to Mark Twain, published in 1995.

Helpful Hints is a bunch of letters, anecdotes, newspaper articles, and short stories on topics ranging from the telephone to advice for burglars and traveling salesmen. Many of the letters and anecdotes had never been published before. Some of the other entries are rare finds receiving only their second printing.
What the book really offers, however, is a glimpse into the Clemens household. The humor is all there, of course, but you also get a sense of the man. Beyond the satire and moralizing was a man who smoked, swore, laughed, loved, and endured the same problems we all endure. It’s rare to find a book about an author that does what Helpful Hints does for Mark Twain.

Collected from four decades of writing, The Bible According to Mark Twain takes a humorous approach to the Bible. Often his satire will point out problems or inconsistencies he sees with the book, but the stories never fail to tickle the funny bone. One of my favorites is “The Diaries of Adam and Eve”, hilarious personal accounts of Eden, the Fall, and of being the first two lovers in the Universe.
Even amidst all the hilarity, however, are issues and ideas that Twain himself acknowledged as being heretical. Some of the stories were not published until 1962, when his daughter Clara finally allowed some stories to print.

What these two books offer a reader is some material from one of America’s greatest authors that many people have never read before. I highly recommend these books for anyone who enjoyed anything Mark Twain ever wrote.

Until next time,
Still paddlin’ the old knew…
_-Akatzen-_

Sgt. Angle reporting for duty!

This weekend I was lucky enough to find myself viewing a great documentary, “Exit Through the Gift Shop,” and then I thought it would be a good idea to bring to your attention a few other various documentaries that should be viewed by most humans on this planet.

1. Exit Through the Gift Shop, for those of you wanting to know, is a documentary about street art that turns into a study of the nature of what art is, the idea of celebrity, and challenges the very notion of street art when the man holding the camera finds himself sucked into his subject, and becomes the focus of the film. If Charlie Kaufman met reality, this is what the resulting movie would be.

The movie features snippets and clips from hundreds of tapes as recorded by Thierry Guetta, a dude who just started filming anything and everything one day. Eventually, Thierry finds his subject: street artists such as:

Shepard Fairey, Invader, and eventually, Banksy.

These artists leave their art, graffiti, and signatures all over the world in cities like Los Angeles, New York, Paris and London. Thierry films them at night when putting up their images, acting as lookout as well as documentarian. He crosses that wall between filmmaker and subject, eventually making a name for himself. What’s fascinating to watch is the shift from Thierry the filmmaker to Thierry the street artist, and the sudden change in his relationships to his former subjects. The film, you will notice, is directed by Banksy, who turned the tables on Thierry in a unique and even somewhat heartbreaking fashion. A pleasure to watch and fascinating to study, Exit Through the Gift Shop earns four out of five rifles.

2. Dear Zachary, A Letter to a Son About His Father is one of the most touching films your Sergeant has experienced in the last few years. What starts as a recorded diary turns into a mesmerizing case study of American and Canadian courts and crime, and the tragedy of family loss. It’s no spoiler to tell you that the film is structured as a series of interviews of friends and family reminiscing about Dr. Andrew Bagby, recently found murdered. Beyond that, it would be a break of critical code to reveal the twists and turns this film takes. Surprises and shocks do not stop until the very last frame. Literally. The story of Zachary is at least as compelling, if not more so, than that of Andrew Bagby or his parents. While you may find yourself in tears at more than one point during this film, you will also marvel at the power of celluloid, the heart tugs of reality, and may want to just pick up a camera to hear what people will say about you when you’re gone. Five out of five rifles.

http://www.dailymotion.com/videoxcqit1

3. The War Room. Directors Chris Hegedus and D. A. Pennebaker had no idea the ride they were in for when they decided to film the presidential campaign directors for a young Bill Clinton. James Carville and George Stephanopoulos became more than just a politicians dream team — they became a dynamic duo on screen, one that we wish we could follow beyond the 96 minute runtime of the film. Four out of Five Rifles.

4. Capturing the Friedmans. Horror strikes a seemingly normal and giving family when the father and son are accused of child molestation. “Are they guilty or innocent” becomes a major sticking point to viewers of the movie, and this Sgt. found himself wandering out of the theater still indecisive, regardless of the mounting evidence for and against portrayed in the movie. Despite the film’s lack of choosing sides, there nevertheless feels an overall drive to question our own desire for justice. Can we bring justice to a situation that needs it simply because of that need, or does there always need to be the concrete evidence for us to stand on? Four out of Five Rifles.

5. The Thin Blue Line. Director Errol Morris truly outdid himself early in his career with this magnificent documentary, bending the rules for a non-fiction film by showing re-enactments of a crime and painting a situation based on hearsay in bright colors. The film follows the case of Randall Adams, convicted of murdering a police officer after picking up a drifter, David Harris. Based on this film (it’s not a spoiler if it’s public record), Adams’ conviction was overturned. The movie’s unique use of re-enactments and subtle reveals of these true-life characters makes for an awe-inspiring, influential documentary. Five out of Five Rifles.

6. Anvil! The Story of Anvil! Perhaps one of the most touching movies of 2009, and one of the most overlooked, Anvil is a passion film, a fan-made movie about the hard metal 80s band Anvil. The Canadian band was on the verge of experiencing a meteoric rise to fame alongside Metallica, Slayer and Anthrax in the early 80s, until a series of misdirection and bad decisions led to their fame dwindling. Currently working meager day jobs and hoping for their big break to hit them in their mid-life, this documentary presented a smart balance of comical humanity alongside hard life tragedy, and exposes what a real friendship looks and feels like — from the musical collaboration to the petty arguments, to the mud-slinging and the bro-hugging. Five out of Five Rifles.

There isn’t enough of time or space to spout of more miracles of real life caught on celluloid, but if you like this post, perhaps we’ll venture into cinematic reality again, some day soon.

You are dismissed!

Sgt. Angle

Happy Sunday readers!

It’s that time of year again, folks. The time of year when the sun comes out to say hello, the leaves start returning to the trees and nerds enthusiasts of all shapes and sizes emerge from a winter in their basements with the latest in homemade costumes. That’s right it’s convention season. I have heard some conjecture as to when the season actually starts, but with big conventions like Emerald City Con, WonderCon, and C2E2 already having transpired, I think it’s safe to say the season is upon us. Working for Semantink, I get a chance to attend quite a few of these conventions. I have noticed that there are some constants (there are always exceptions of course) that make these events the great things that they are. With that in mind, I wanted to look at some of the things that I love about the convention scene:

The fans: Of course, a convention would be nothing without it’s attendees, and comic book conventions have the most diverse rosters of members anywhere. You have your casual fans, out to stroll through the back issue bins. You have your cosplayers (for better or worse) dressing up as everything from Skeletor to Supergirl and everything in between. You have the autograph hounds with their long boxes full of comics that need signatures. You have your aspiring talent, hoping to make connections and//or find a job. There are so many awesome, fun, and sometimes strange people at a comic book convention that it is hard not to get excited.

Artist Alley: I love to walk around the small (and large) press publisher booths as well, but for me, Artist Alley is where it is at. This is where you can go to meet some of your favorite comic book talent up close and personal. You can buy some of their work, or just get a sketch.  But the best part about Artist Alley is getting to meet the new artists that you have never heard of before. Folks like Lord Mesa or Ruben Martinez that haven’t become superstars yet, but whose art will just blow you away.

Panels: The great thing about panels at comic conventions is that they are so diverse. San Diego has a ton of movie and television panels every year. Long Beach had a wide variety of “breaking into the industry” panels. A.P.E. focused on the creators. Wizardworld had “how to draw” panels. Every convention has something fun to check out, and it is always different.

Comics: What would a a comic book convention be without comics. I was a fan of comic books before I worked in the industry, and there is nothing I like more than walking around looking for that rare copy of FLEX MENTALLO #1 or a SOLAR: MAN OF THE ATOM variant cover. And there are always awesome sales at conventions.

Now with the good we must take the bad as well. This is true of most things and convention season is no exception. Here are a few things that really drive me up the wall at conventions:

“Security”: Why do I have quotations around the word security? Because nothing these people do makes me feel secure. These people are often ill-informed or just flat clueless, and do nothing but hinder me from getting where I need to go. If you are ever lost at a convention, do not go talk to these people, as you will only wind up more lost, or at least more annoyed.

Celebrity signing areas: This doesn’t make me mad so much as sad.  These folks were popular once upon a time (mostly, sometimes these people were never popular) and have been reduced to sitting at a table for a weekend to sign autographs. Lou Ferrigno has been at every comic convention I have ever been to, and I am beginning to wonder if he has ever stayed at his house over the weekend. At Wizard World Anaheim, even Kato Kaelin was signing autographs. Kato? Really?

Comic conventions are wonderful things. If you have never been, I encourage you to go to at least one in your life. Even people that don’t like comics can have a good time. And if any of you are planning on attending the Phoenix comic con next month, drop me a line, as Semantink will be there too.

Thanks for joining me today folks, and remember, Comicopea will be moving to Thursdays from now on, and Sundays will be featuring works by some of the writers that we have here at Semantink. Thanks for stopping in, see you next week.

Before I begin, there is an incredible amount of controversy that surrounds this man. I mentioned briefly that he was the founder of Aikido in my last post, and I think it is important to establish a good biography of the man. He was born in 1883 in what is now known as Tanabe; he had four sisters; the rest of his life becomes an immediate issue. In giving a brief biography of the man’s life; one is innevitably tempted to do one of two things. The first is, knowing the martial legends of the man, to give him a background that matches the kind of bad-ass, kung-fu guy that we want him to be. The second is to focus on the religious aspects of the man; to apply a focus to a devout worshiper whose beliefs were inseparable from his martial prowess. What also inevitably gets in the way of a serious study of the man is the acknowledgment of his acts by the people of Japan: he is a national treasure. He founded a martial art, he was deeply religious, and he certainly paraded Japan’s nationality. To some of his practicioners, the man was downright supernatural; touched by God in some strange way. How do you deliver a fair biography of that? I’m not too sure, so I’ll just give you a couple of options and you can all try to hack them out yourselves.

Here’s a link that shows a slightly nationalist side of the man.

Here’s a link that shows a religious side of the man.

Here’s a more historical link (although it is only part of a greater article) that I believe tries to get past the hype to the actual man.

I hope I’ve established enough of a tricky biography for you all to appreciate the complexity of this man. Beyond that though, I believe that he posses the kind of mysterious past that is hard to peg down. This is a theme in the kind of heroes that we choose to admire: an ambiguous beginning. This has also let a lot of people’s imaginations run wild, assuming greatness where only shadows lie. But whatever this man’s beginnings, let us look at some of what made him so renown.

This video is rather long, but you can see a few of the mysteries behind the man within this 1935 video. 1) Note that he begins with a ritual prayer. 2) Notice the enormous Japanese flag. 3) Remember that this video was before WWII. From the martial standpoint of things, the video begins with Ueshiba in the kneeling position having a great time flipping around two younger students. As the video progresses, he demonstrates moves against several opponents. Now, if you’re an astute observer, you may have noticed that in several instances, he seems to be able to juke his students into flipping themselves. Or he waves his hand and uses the force against students. I don’t know. I’ve noticed this too and this is at the heart of his controversy. Does he just read his attacker’s energy so well that he is able to interrupt it, thus immoblizing the attacker in the same way? Or is there some legitimate force type technique? Or, lastly, because of human nature and I feel that you can never discount this: is it a sham? My favorite throw is at 8:52: the chest bump throw. Personally, I don’t think it is. Here’s the video judge for yourself:

Flash-forward and here is a 1960 video that is of rather poor quality and the sound editor must have loved horror movies. Once Ueshiba is out of the video, there’s little point in watching it. But note that the man in this video hasn’t lost the spring in his step after twenty-five years.

Another interesting figure from the inner schools of martial arts is T’ai Chi Ch’uan. Most people are familiar with this (the old guys moving slowly in the park) or have seen some variation of it. Even in Roadhouse, yes Roadhouse, there is a use of T’ai Chi Ch’uan. I know. Shocking. Don’t believe me? Here it is:

This isn’t my favorite video. And again, what the hell is going on with the music?! I recently told the deceased Mr. Wolff that most martial artists are sociopaths and I think that this video may prove it. But, if you hit the mute button, then maybe you can see that the slow movements have some really neat and nifty surprises locked within them.

So there you have it. How does this look when true professionals are going at it? Hard to tell, really. Most of these folks don’t really do the whole fight for honor or prizes thing. It’s more of a lifestyle. Here’s Professor Cheng Man Ching demonstrating a soft-sword form.

So what’s my conclusion on all this. I’m in. I think that there are some things that we can’t really understand, but that are revealed if pursuited desparately enough. Here’s the kicker thou. Some people have a natural ability that lets them get farther than you will ever get while practicing anything. The issue seems to be determination and resilience. Yeah, maybe a person can learn all the techniques that they need to mess someone up pretty good with their bare-hands in ten years. But what about when you’re seventy? Or eighty? Will the same techniques have the same meaning? Would you even care about them? If it’s only about self-defense, then a full kevlar body suit with a shotgun will cover you plenty. The issue is that there is an inner desire to practice control over the body. This is where Yoga, T’ai Chi, Karate, Chi Gong, whatever it is you practice are awesome. They teach you how to be truly in control of your body. They also teach you how NOT to look like this guy after enough practice:

Based on the bizarre and beloved characters created by Charles Addams, this original story finds the famously macabre Addams Family put to the test when outsiders come to dinner, hurling Gomez, Morticia, Wednesday, Pugsley, Fester, Grandmama and Lurch headlong into a night that will change the family forever.

Ok, this does spark my interest and how could it not? Have you seen the cast?

• Gomez — Nathan Lane
• Morticia — Bebe Neuwirth
• Mal Beineke — Terrence Mann
• Alice Beineke — Carolee Carmello
• Grandmama — Jackie Hoffman
• Uncle Fester — Kevin Chamberlin
• Lurch — Zachary James
• Pugsley — Adam Riegler
• Lucas Beineke — Wesley Taylor
• Wednesday — Krysta Rodriguez

I’m not that familiar with the previous carnations of the same title (the cartoon, comic, or movies) but for some reason I can’t help but feel that the stage is a great place for this to be.

Just on a visual note, it looks incredible. The dark edgy-ness that I can remember from the original material seems to be there and the costume and character design is unbelievable! Did you see Lurch?

I don’t know, what are your feelings on the matter?

–Admiral Eo

Hey Folks,

Ben here to let you all know that Mr. Wolff will be taking a rant break for the foreseeable future. I’m sure that you are all wondering why we must go rantless on Thursdays, so please allow me to fill you in on the dark events that transpired to bring us sadder hump days. You see, Mr. Wolff is well known for having a collection of the finest looking ladies at his beck and call, and there are some who take great umbrage at our blogger’s menagerie of beauty. It was for this reason that Mr. Wolff’s harem was shanghaied by a cadre of Sasquatches. Upon finding his home disheveled and covered in man-beast hair that was not his own, Mr. Wolff went into a rage, punted the nearest midget a full city block and vowed vengeance against the yeti-kin that would deprive him of nook nook. And so, Mr. Wolff has embarked upon a journey to of ho retrieval and monster whumpery.

No one is sadder about the loss of Mr. Wolff than I. Without him my week will far be less angry, and there will be way fewer pictures of scantily clad celebrities on my computer.Throughout his brief time with us here at Semantink, Wolff has taught me so much, most of which I can’t really talk about in mixed company. If you are a newcomer to the site, or have never gotten a chance to read the writings of Mr. Wolff, I encourage you to take some time and go back and read his excellent work in our blog archive. I also thought that today we could go back and remember some of Mr. Wolff’s finest rants…

Cosplay: In Mr. Wolff’s first full length rant, he touched on the potential for greatness from hot she-cosplayers. He also showed the ugly (and fat) side of cosplay, and showed us all that not everyone was meant to participate in such events. How could we forget this?

My favorite line from this rant has to be:

“…my heart is racing and I feel an urgency at the tips of my fingers as if somewhere, an overweight, under-sunned,  gap-toothed, overly-hairy, cankled beast dressed as Super Girl has just killed a child by merely making itself visible.  Damn you poorly-costumed villain.  Damn you to Cosplay Hell…”

Heroes: Mr. Wolff would often focus his rants on the entertainment industry. Movies, books, TV, all were fields he felt (and rightly so) qualified to rant on. In a television-centric blog, Mr. Wolff learned us all on what shows we should be watching, and in the case of Heroes, what shows we should be skipping.

I doubt anyone could explain what’s wrong with Heroes as eloquently as this:

“Heroes is like a beautiful woman with a tight premise, supple characters and a nice, round potential — but the crazy b*tch keeps puking on herself!  All she does all day is stick her finger in her butt, smell is and wipe her face leaving a streak across her brow.  Then she throws up on her chest, rubs it all over her body and blows snot out her nose while laughing, snorting and growling uncontrollably.  The potential is there, but she keeps f*cking herself up!!  Somebody please put this b*tch out of her misery.”

Well put Mr. Wolff, well put.

World of Warcraft: In one of his most controversial blogs, Mr. Wolff took on MMORPGers everywhere by ranting against the popular World Of Warcraft. There was a great ammount of vitriol from fans about this post, but in the end, Mr. Wolff made his point. WoW is stupid. Don’t play it, and you won’t be stupid. Continue your basement dwelling ways and risk turning out like this:

I think Mr. Wolff summed it up best:

“…let me just say that I do not condemn WoW, or WoW players.  I don’t think you’re all stupid, useless bags of flesh, rotting in a pile of your own feces — but most of you are.  Grow up, move out of your mother’s basement, get a real job and try finding a member of the opposite (or same if that floats your boat) sex and try, just try, to discover what people did before Warcraft.  Or just trick yourself into thinking your character has some tangible meaning in life and die — I don’t really care.”

It’s like the man drinks thrice distilled wisdom, and then is kind enough to spit it at us.

Sports Illustrated (swimsuit edition): Despite all of his macho talk, Mr Wolff showed that he had a soft side, and a deep respect for women, in this touching piece. He made sure to include the faces of every model he referenced, and even found out their names. Mr. Wolff has been called misogynistic before, but in this blog, he showed the world how much he cared about the opposite sex. Would a misogynist show this?

Mr. Wolff even offered us all this generous warning:

“Whatever you do, do NOT go to Sports Illustrated where you would be forced to see a lot more of these “beautiful” models in very little clothing at no cost to you.  And if for some ungodly reason you do go to the site, don’t look at the site alone, like I am or you may be tempted to think impure thoughts and take of your pants. In the dark.  Like me.  Right now…”

God Bless you, Mr. Wolff.

Thank you all for joining me on this bittersweet day of reminiscing. I’m sure that you all are wondering what will be filling in our blog on Thursday moving forward. I will be toting my Comicopea blog over to Thursdays. On Sundays, we will be featuring the works of some of our Semantink writers. I already have some work from MYTHOI writer James Ninness. And one day, if and when he is needed, Mr. Wolff could come back for a guest appearance or two, but not any time soon, Those Sasquatches are some elusive bitches.

Howdy, kids! Welcome back to the Book Report.

Before we go anywhere, you need to go read the final installment in the Mythoi: Birth series: Touch. I’ll be waiting patiently until you get back.

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Took you long enough.
Today I want to talk about an author who has been called a nihilist, a satirist of the highest order, a voice for an angry generation, a modern beatnik, and a shock-value gross-out author. Two of his novels have made the transition to film, doing poorly at the box office but establishing a large cult following once the films come out on dvd. In fact, very often when I mention this author by name I get a blank stare until I add in the fact that he was “the guy that wrote Fight Club.” And then I’ll occasionally get the response, “Wait, Fight Club was a book too?”

*Facepalm*

The Guy That Wrote Fight Club

Chuck Palahniuk grew up in the Pacific Northwest, and went to college at University of Oregon for a degree in journalism. After working a variety of jobs (which eventually inspired characters or events in later novels), Palahniuk began writing in the mid 1990s. His first novel, Invisible Monsters, was rejected by publishers for its disturbing content. In retaliation, he wrote a novel he hoped would disturb publishers even more than the first one, called Fight Club. To his surprise, it was picked up and published in 1996.
Despite its relatively short shelf life, the book was noticed by a few people in Hollywood, though producers were reluctant to back the film. David Fincher, however, had been trying to get the rights to direct the film version since the book first hit shelves. He was able to broker a deal with 20th Century Fox, and the film hit movie screens in 1999.

Beyond the Mayhem
The same year that Fight Club hit movie screens, Palahniuk was finally able to get Invisible Monsters published. He released his third novel, Survivor, that year as well. The novels follow Palahniuk’s convention of writing in the first person, as well as utilizing non-linear storytelling. In fact, Survivor’s chapters and page numbers run backward, so the last chapter and last page of the book are both 1, effectively making the narrative a countdown. Both novels have film versions in production.
That year, tragedy also struck Palahniuk’s life. His father was brutally murdered by the ex-boyfriend of a girl he was dating. The trial and subsequent death sentence inspired his 2002 novel Lullaby. During the trial, Palahniuk was asked to be part of the decision as to whether or not give the murderer the death penalty. In the horror-satire novel Lullaby, the main character is given a powerful curse that allows him to cause the death of anyone merely by thinking it.

Commercial Success
Prior to the publication of Lullaby, however, Palahniuk released Choke in 2001, which would be his first ever New York Times bestseller. The book was a hilarious satire about people’s need for a messiah and their secret desire to be a messiah themselves. A film version of the novel, starring Sam Rockwell and Angelica Houston, was released in 2008.

Satire: n, a literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.

In 2003, Palahniuk released Diary, another horror satire, this time written as though it was a “coma diary”, daily letters written to a person in a coma while you sit at their bedside.
That same year, he published his first non-fiction work, Fugitives and Refugees: A Walk in Portland, Oregon. Tired of boring travelogues listing the typical, cheesy tourist spots in his home town, Palahniuk wrote a travel book of all the cool, weird, and alternative activities and places you can find during a visit to Portland.
The next year, Pahalniuk released Stranger Than Fiction, a collection of non-fiction essays, stories, and interviews he’d written for various magazines and newspapers.

Guts
While doing the book tour for Fugitives and Refugees and Diary, Palahniuk began to do readings of a short story he called “Guts” at public appearances. It was one of a group of stories in “a collection of short stories that are going to be like the darkest, most offensive short stories I can conceive of.” During that book tour, it was reported that over 35 people fainted during the reading.
During his Stranger Than Fiction book tour, readings of “Guts” increased the number of fainters up to 53. To date, more than 70 people have fainted during the reading of the story.
Brilliantly satirical and horrifically disturbing, the collection of short stories was published in 2005 as the novel Haunted.

Palahniuk loves to experiment with the novel form. In Survivor he uses the pages as a countdown to zero. Diary is written like an actual diary. Haunted is a collection of horrific short stories wrapped up in a longer, much more horrific story. In 2007, Palahniuk released Rant, written as an oral biography, where several different people remember the life of a person. In 2009, Palahniuk released Pygmy, written as an epistolary novel, which is a novel where the narrative occurs as a series of letters.
In addition to continually playing with the form of his novels, Palahniuk utilizes several other unique writing styles throughout all of his works. Preferring to “write in verbs rather than adjectives”, his sentences tend to be short, with a somewhat limited vocabulary, depending on the character. Since his novels are narrated in the first person, Palahniuk feels that short sentences and a limited vocabulary is more indicative of how a normal person talks, which help give his stories a better sense of believability.
He also spends an amazingly large portion of his time conducting research for his novels. All manner of strange facts, quotes, recipes, and true story “legends” show up in his novels. Palahniuk uses these factoids to help immerse the reader in his work. By including wildly strange but true facts the reader has no choice but to agree with — because they are true — the reader is more likely to believe in the equally wildly strange but false information that comprises the story’s fiction.
One last tool that consistently shows up in all of Palahniuk’s work is repetition. Certain turns of phrase, words, or images repeat themselves in each of his novels. Palahniuk calls them his “choruses”, but the use of repetition is a clever technique when using the first-person narrative, which is essentially rhetoric. Repetition allows the writer to hammer home an idea, image, or theme, forcing the reader to pay attention. Repetition also helps create a rhythmic quality to the work. Just as the punchline of a good joke depends on the rhythm of how the joke is setup, fiction has a similar rhythm to it.

Chuck Palahniuk’s latest book, Tell All, is expected to hit shelves in May this year. I strongly encourage you to pick up a few other works by this modern master of satire in preparation. I’ll see you in line at the bookstore!

Until then,
Still paddlin’ the old knew…
_-Akatzen-_