A few things have developed in the wide world of comics that I feel have fallen through the cracks like sweat beads on a fat woman — I’m here to divulge an opinion on such topics.

I hope you sweaty slobs had a good time at San Diego Comic Con last weekend.  It seems that Benjamin found himself staring into the diamond mines of a certain White Queen and for that reason alone, I wish I was there.  Save the gloriously revealed breasts and asses that abound in perfect curvature and a few little nuggets of news I have to admit that I’m not too jealous of missing out.  SDCC is, like an old man on blue pills, getting too damned big.

Guaranteed to make you hard as a diamond.

You may have heard that Mark Ruffalo and Joss Whedon have jumped onboard the Avengers movie as Bruce Banner and Director respectively.  I’ve gotten a few emails asking me my thoughts on this announcement and here it is: F*ck yes.  Something about Norton has never vibed with me — I think it’s his voice, he sounds like one of those guys who enjoys being right a bit too much.  Ruffalo on the other hand has always been a pleasure to watch on screen but still hasn’t quite cracked into the “A-list” status — hopefully this does it for him.  As far as Whedon is concerned: If you have any doubts about him as an artist you either (a) haven’t seen his writing/directing or (b) where a helmet with a tendency to drool on yourself.

Anything with this is good.

Dexter is coming back for season five — surprise?  Not really.  Season 4 ended with a bang bigger than Rosie O’Donnel’s prom night and buzz has abounded ever since.  If you haven’t already caught up with seasons 1–4 in preparation for this magnificence, sham on you.  I hope your genitals fall out and you cower in shame for your television-transgression for the rest of your days.  Hopefully [SPOILER] we see Ms. (fun-to-watch-her) Benz a bit despite her demise because Dexter’s sister can’t hold the show’s “hot” on her 45 pound shoulders…

Whoever took this off the show should be Dexter’s next victim.

In Bat-related news: a day or so before SDCC it was announced that the Riddler IS in fact the new villain for Nolan’s upcoming trilogy capper.  Several people have thrown Joseph Gordan-Levitt’s name out as a potential candidate and whilst I think he could pull it off, I’m still rooting for Mr. Jonathan Rhys Meyers to don the enigmatic role.  Even more interesting is this interview with Aaron Eckhart at SDCC where he says he WOULD come back as Two-Face if Nolan asked him to.  Another interesting tidbit is this interview where ex-Nolanite Robin Williams declared that he would work with Nolan in anything at all — Ventriloquist anyone?  No matter who plays what I think we can all rest assured that Batman’s third date with Nolan will be the sweet, sweet love-fest we’ve been waiting for (knock on wood), right?

Before I go, I’d like to mention a not-so-clever poke at Comic Con fans by none other than the proof that accidents happen, the incredibly unfunny, Carlos Mencia George Lopez.  I’ve had a few people ask me to defend our geekdom.  While it’s no secret that I have my own problems with cosplay gone wrong, something about Mr. Lopez’s Comic-Con Captions segment irked me.  Most of the jokes were particularly unclever and revolved around the typical comic books nerd’s virginity — maybe that’s what bothered me: the lack of actual, clever humor.  I’ve never seen Lopez Tonight.  To be honest, when I heard about it I thought it was a joke (it’s on TBS, right?).  I’m not sure if the Comic-Con thing was a fluke or something — maybe he’s funny most of the time.  But after looking him up and realizing that he was in Marmaduke, The Spy Next Door, Beverly Hills Chihuhua and the upcoming Smurfs, I actually felt bad for the guy.  Don’t waste your time with anger nerds.  We may have given George Lopez a failed opportunity at humor one night, but he’s been giving us humorous moments of failure for his entire career.

Mr. Wolff

PS: Go buy MYTHOI you silly twat.  Here.  Or here.

Sheepishly, the good Doctor confided that his porn collection had nowhere else to hide given his current living situation.  I was amazed.  It would appear that this movie connoisseur had, on more than one occasion, been caught with his jerk collection by ladies who found it beneath them and disgusting.  These ladies, upon seeing titles like Helpless Heroines in Double Jeopardy, promptly stormed out, leaving Cellus and the videos the play man-craps one more time.

I have been thinking about that moment a lot lately and I figured more of you may have this problem.  You want a movie for you-time, but not something you have to be embarrassed about — hell, something you can watch alone (for about three minutes) and with the ladies!

Fear not.  I am here.

Below you will find a list of four great films.  That’s it.  Four genuinely good(ish) films that can be watched by your eyes and balls only, with a woman you would like to see naked (emotionally of course), or just seen in your collection without any sort of odd refrain.  I’m not talking about movies made as an excuse to show boobs — no cheap horror movies or low budget skin here!  Women can spot unnecessary nakedness from a cover alone.  Feel free to put these out in the open for all to see, not only won’t you be ashamed, but some may think you’re a smarter person for owning them!

Femme Fatale (2002)

Brian De Palma.  Yeah, the guy who did Carlito’s Way, Scarface and Mission Impossible!  You see?  Your a film enthusiast!

The film revolves around a woman, played by Rebecca Romijn Stamos, trying to escape her past as a thief.  Antonio Banderas plays a photographer caught up in more than he can handle.  RottenTomatoes.com currently has the film at a 48%.  Why?  The film gets slow in some parts and is overall melodramatic and just plain silly, but I have an answer to that, several in fact, you ready? Here they are: 0:08:00, 0:10:00, 1:47:00, 1:36:00, and 1:26:00.  Another great thing about films in the not really great but kinda, sorta enjoyable category  is that you can almost always find them in the $2.00 bin at your locally closing Blockbuster.  Go get it!

Click here to view the embedded video.

Gia 1998

You had to know this was coming.

If you haven’t seen this movie, go BUY it right the f*ck now.  I’m serious.  Stop reading.  Go.

I assume that those of you reading this have seen Gia now and we can all be on the same page.  Everybody knows that Angelina Jolie blew way up for her role in Gia, but some people forget that her lesbian cohort is none other than Elizabeth Mitchell, that’s right, LOST’s Juliet.  When I recommend you all buy this film it must be understood that it has nothing to do with the 92% on RottenTomatoes.com, or 0:24:00, or 0:25:00, 0:26:00, or 0:27:00.  No.  I want you to buy this movie because it makes you a better person.  Really.

No.  Not really.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Secretary (2002)

Maggie Gyllenhaal has made quite a name for herself lately.  After topping that bitch from Dawson’s Creek as Rachel Dawes in the last Batman film, Gyllenhaal has proven that not only is she beautiful, but incredibly talented as well.  If you saw Secretary you know what I’m talking about. Funny thing about this one: a girl actually introduced me to this film a while back and couldn’t believe that I hadn’t seen it — it was one of her “faves.”  I owe that girl something because she was right.  Currently holding at 74% on RottenTomatoes.com, Secretary is a legitamtely good film with plenty of laughs and sighs (the sighs are particularly rewarding at 0:20:00, 0:53:00, 1:15:00, 1:41:00 and 1:43:00).

Check it out and watch it with a girl, unless you are a girl, then come over to my house with another girl and we’ll watch it together…

Click here to view the embedded video.

Y Tu Mama Tambien (2001)

Do you know who Alfonso Cuaron is?  Well, he’s a done a few little films like Children of Men, Great Expectations and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban — ya know, little shit.

Well, a few years ago Mr. Cuaran made a gem of a thing called Y Tu Mama Tambien; in all seriousness, this really is a great film.  It follows two boys and the girl (Ana Lopez Mercado) of their dreams on a road trip through Mexico.  I laughed, I cried and I got a huge boner hug from the girl who’s shoulder I was crying on… yup.

RottenTomatoes.com says: 91%.

I say: 0:01:00, 0:05:00, 0:55:00, 1:03:00, 1:12:00 and 1:34:00.

Click here to view the embedded video.

There are plenty of other “good” films out there that no man should feel shame for owning, but I think I’ll save those for another day.

If you have any suggestions, feel free to add them below.

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

The Sixth Sense (1999)

Bruce Willis can do no wrong, that’s just science.  In 1998 the man, the myth, the legend starred in Armageddon, saving our planet from a gigantic asteroid with the help of Michael Bay.  Then, in 2000, he played a role in Matthew Perry’s only non-Friends funny-comedy, The Whole Nine Yards (though the “funny” part is debateable).  But in between those two movies, Mr. Willis participated in a succesful hiccup of a film called The Sixth Sense.

Willis plays a dead detective helping a young kid deal with the fact that he can see dead people.  The film owes much of its success to the “twist” ending: Willis was dead the whole time!  Damn!  And after you knew that little piece, the movie sucked fat ass, but not in a good way.  Re-watching this film is like having sex with the same prostitute two times: less exciting and just plain silly, since you could spend your money on something different again and again.  The moody piece was a one trick pony, though it was a steed Mr. Shyamalan would ride for years to come…

Click here to view the embedded video.

Unbreakable (2000)

This will forever be, in my opinion, Night’s masterpiece.  In Unbreakable, Shyamalan sticks with Willis for yet another romp, only this time he adds the Nick Fury to the mix — Mr. Samuel “F*cking” Jackson.  Willis and Jackson had played off each other with amicable flair five years earlier in Die hard with a Vengeance, so the hype train rolled on not only The Sixth Sense tracks, but with fumes of buddy-anticipation as well.  Neither actor failed to deliver.

Willis plays a man who cannot be physically hurt — at all, while Jackson portrays an art dealer who is practically made of glass.  After Willis is the only one to survive a train wreck, Jackson’s character seeks him out and tries to convince him that he is a real, living, breathing hero — like the ones in comic books.  Willis is reluctant to believe in “powers” but the greater truth is that he’s afraid to believe in himself — a story Shyamalan unravels with a particular grace.  In the end, we learn that Jackson’s character was right, but more than that, he’s positioned himself to play the villain, revealing that is was he who caused the train wreck in the first place, as well as countless other catastrophes to find his “hero.”

Unbreakable is a dark journey of self-discovery written and directed by someone who not only pays homage to comics, but the mythos they represent.  It’s truly and utterly brilliant.

And that’s when M Night Shyamalan should’ve stopped making movies…

Click here to view the embedded video.

Signs (2002)

Mel Gibson joined Shyamalan in this romp about a preacher who deals with aliens taking over the world.  The aliens are afraid of water and the preacher lost his wife to a drunk driver.  Flashbacks continually reveal bit by bit of his wife’s demise while the world is invaded by aliens THAT WE NEVER ACTUALLY GET TO SEE UNTIL THE END.

Signs is a test in patience — do you care enough about the story, the characters, or the plot, to sit in your seat for an hour and a half waiting for the aliens to show up?  Ultimately, most people said no.

What would’ve made this better?  More aliens.  More destruction.  Less egotistical film making.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Village (2004)

After Signs’ anti-climactic ending started to assuage the sizzle on Shyamalan’s career, M decided to try the whole scary/twist thing again with, The Village.  The general plot revolves around a small village, apparently set in the colonial days of America, who are tormented and devoured by a beast in the woods.  The elders of the village have a secret and Brody plays a retard.  The big twist?  It’s set in now.  A blind villager makes it out of the village, over a wall where security meets her and escorts her away in a golf cart.

Yeah.  Seriously.

It was at this point in Shyamalan’s career the effects of Hollywood became evident.  His biggest successes and the phrase synonymous with his name were twist-endings.  Signs didn’t have that and apparently Shyamalan was incapable or writing anything sans gimmick.  The film played weak and desperate.  Bleh.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Lady in the Water (2006)

Let’s keep this breif: Shyamalan wrote/directed this flaming piece of shit, which was rejected by Disney, picked up by Warner Brothers and panned by critics upon it’s release.  The Story is about a girl named Story, saving Shyamalan (acting) who is going to write a book that will inspire folk.  Giamatti plays a guy who gets sucked into saving Story (but not the actual story) from a lupine beast that looks like grass.

Less thinking Mr. Shyamlan; you’re either the smartest man in the world or, at this point, the most convoluted egomaniac since Hitler — but with more film and less hatred.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Happening (2008)

You know what kinds of films were cool to make in the aughts?  Green ones.  Save the planet!  Humans are wicked!  Have sex with goats!  Well, Shyamalan wasn’t immune from the green-hype and made this god-awful mess about trees fighting back.  Unfrotunately John Leguizamo was sucked in as well.  Though as the actors go, I will say this: Getting Wahlberg to play the lead in a story where the antagonist doesn’t move is, in a queer way, appropriate.

The plants get mad at humans and release chemicals that make us kill ourselves.  Until the end, when they’ve thinned us out enough to stop releasing said toxin.  The film’s reception was similar to the plot: audience members wanted to kill themselves and eventually, the ticket sales thinned enough for the film to stop playing.  It really was that bad.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Last Airbender (2010)

Enter The Last Airbender.  I know fans of the original are excited.  Fine.  Be excited, but be wary.  I don’t know if it will be good or bad the same way I wonder if my shits will stink — up to now they all have, but maybe this one will be different…

Click here to view the embedded video.

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

Today we’re gonna look at a few movie adaptations due out this year(ish), five in fact.  The best five.  These five trailers may possibly help to bring many of you fat, lazy bastards back into (this is for you Akatzen) libraries and book stores where you’ll be forced to sit… and read… lazilly. Doing nothing physical at all.  I’ve lost the ability to make a good point.  F*ck me.

Here they are, in order.

5.  The Losers

Click here to view the embedded video.

Any movie that puts The Comedian, Captain America and Neytiri on the same team and has them blowing shit up has to be good.  Throw in the fact that it is based on a book by Andy Diggle and I’m almost guaranteed a good time.

4.  Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

Click here to view the embedded video.

I’m not the biggest Cera fan, but (as Sgt. lucky bastard who’s new and still gets to go to conventions before me ’cause his nose is so far up Ben’s ass when he sneezes Ben gets diarrhea Angle pointed out) Edgar Wright is the man.  If anybody can make me like Michael I-Whine-And-That’s-All Cera, it’s Wright.

3.  Kick Ass

Click here to view the embedded video.

Hit Girl is a ten year old girl who says “cunt” more than the entire cast of Deadwood.  Nic Cage isn’t the hero.  At some point, the kid from Hot Tub Time Machine is in it.  And the best part of all?  Kick Ass was made before the studios got their greasy hands all over it.  Midnight showing for sure.

2.  Iron Man 2

Click here to view the embedded video.

Did you see the first Iron Man?  Yeah, that’s what I thought.  For those of you bitches whining over Whiplash: be patient and have faith.

1.  Twilight: Eclipse

Click here to view the embedded video.

Yes.  It’s true.  This is my number one trailer pick.

April Fools you silly bitches!  How dare you even think that was for real!  I’d sooner eat a bag of two day old dicks than watch any of the Twilight shit piles!

For shame…

Since I promised you five GOOD trailers, here’s a bonus and a film that I can’s wait to see.  It’s not an adaptation, but watch the trailer and tell me you give a shit.

Honorable Mention: The Expendables

Click here to view the embedded video.

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

Happy April, fools.

Back to Semantink

The first Scream movie didn’t bother me… too much.  I thought the gimmicky analysis of horror movies running simultaneous to a film in which plot devices are explained and then flipped, directed by a man whose career was made on said devices, was fun and, at the time, original.  Having said that, it wasn’t great.  It was fun, but not great.  The cast was solid(ish).  I had no grand problems with Ms. Campbell, or Jamie Kennedy, but in my not-so-humble opinion the film owed it’s success to the performances of the villains: Skeet Ulrich and Matthew Lillard, the latter of which, stole every scene he was in.  Well, almost.  The only greater scene-stealing was done by Rose McGowan’s enormous breasts that have sugar coated the dreams of many men ever since.

Scream made $103,046,663 domestically.

Even the quasi-message, that the media has not only a direct role in the mixed messages it sends to youth, but a responsibility to the youth as well, was fine.  Or maybe the message was that mom’s of crazy kids who look like Gavin Rossdale shouldn’t whore about with married men.  Or maybe that married men shouldn’t whore about with the mothers of crazy Gavin Rossdale look-a-likes.  Well, whatever it was, I know it had to do with Gavin Rossdale, but I digress…  The movie was a fun, one-trick-pony that made a ton of money.  Like most films that fall into that category, the studio wanted more and began kicking the shit out of the proverbial dead horse.

Enter Scream 2.  This steamy piece of shit came out but one year after the first (1997, in case you don’t do math) and followed our heroine, Sidney Presscott, as she dealt with the trauma of the first films events while trying to balance school and a new relationship with the cockroach lover from Joe’s Apartment.  Well, as you can imagine, shit gets a bit wacky and once again, the rules of horror are spewed to the audience, but here’s the thing (sarcasm incoming), it’s the rules of surviving a sequel!  Great, huh (end sarcasm)? Somehow these characters figured out that they do exist in a series of films and helped us, the audience, understand what to expect only so they could twist shit on us.  I have to give them credit though, at least they recognized it was a series and not a single, Lord of the Rings–sized, epic.  Kudos for knowing your role.  Predictably things don’t go well for Sidney and the film dissolves into a mediocre whodunnit with an amazing lack of care.  To be fair, it’s rumored that the end of the script was leaked and Craven changed the ending in an effort to be surprising.  So what did we get?  The aunt from Roseanna was the killer.  Really?  Lame.  She was the mother/whore of the first film’s villain and had apparently been knocked off her rocker by her son’s death, deciding to kill Sydney and going undercover as a reporter.  Why didn’t Sidney know who she was?  Where was she during the events of the first film?  How did she even get a role in a major motion picture?  These are questions answered arbitrarily and with great abandon because ultimately, they don’t matter.  This wasn’t a film, it was a quick buck for Dimension Films, but in case you missed the message: The media is desensitizing the youth and we’re all in for some real shit!  And something about Gavin Rossdale’s mom…

Scream 2 made $101,363,301 domestically, so guess what?  3 was coming…

In Scream 3, Sidney Presscott lives in seclusion, but is forced to rejoin Rachel from Friends and her retarded, gimpy boyfriend, when the man who was acquitted of Sidney’s mother’s murder is killed and the cast Stab, the movies made after the events of Sidney’s — you know what?  No.  Some shit happens and the “Ghostface” killer returns.  Done. That’s all you need to know.  Sidney’s half-brother did it.  When did she get a half-brother?  I dunno.  I don’t think anybody really does.  But at some point his mother fooled around with Sidney’s dad and thus ended her dreams of stardom.  But not to worry mom, your son, whom you disavowed, is a big time producer/director with everything he could ever want.  Problem though: he’s a douche and apparently he started this whole mess with Rossdale in Scream, Roseanne-aunt in Scream 2 and now he thought he’d give it a stab (see what I did there?).  Same message as before: Gavin Rossdale will kill you if you mess with his mom in the media!  Booyah!

What a fuckin’ mess.  Scream 3 made $89,138,076 domestically, which wasn’t terrible, but the film cost half that to make, as opposed to the first (15 mil) and the second (20 mil).  So it seemed, until now, that we were done with the Scream series.  I mean, how many other relatives could Gavin have, right?

Now, however, it seems as though the Scream franchise has decided to rise from the grave of mediocrity once more in attempt to cash in on the recent resurgence of remakes, reboots and series rehashings.  Apparently the series will have Cox, Campbell and Arquette leading a younger group through the various plot entanglements and gimmicky climax-devices, which makes sense since Cox is old enough to be a grandma and Campbell isn’t even acting anymore (is she?).  I think the hope is that a younger group can reboot the franchise.  Swell.  Maybe, if we’re real lucky, the three Scream alums will pull a Barrymore and get offed in the opening credits!  Then it’ll be like everything they did in the first 2.5 movies was for not!  I know that would be depressing as far as the story is concerned, but who cares about story when there’s money to be made, right?

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

Back to Semantink

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Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Hollywood is on a comic book movie roll.  The Spider-Man movies didn’t jump the shark until Parker got his emo-boogie on in 3.  The Batman franchise was reinvigorated when Nolan helmed Batman Begins and broke records with The Dark Knight.  X-Men 1 and 2 were both fantastic and Iron Man was a success, throwing Marvel’s hat into the ring again after a brief moment in suck after X-Men 3.  Ed Norton and Louis Leterrier gave us a kick-ass Hulk movie (finally) with the Abomination looking beautiful as well.  Over the last decade countless other films have been making the crossover from page to screen as well (some you may not recognize as graphic novels): American Splendor, Road to Perdition, 30 Days of Night, and Kick Ass to name a few.

But it hasn’t always been great…  For years the translation was murky, at best.  After Burton, Suckmaker blew his ass all over comic fans with Forever and & Robin, proving that he’d never actually read a comic in his life.  Singer’s Superman has mixed reviews, but at best it’s an “I’ll watch it if I’m bored” film.  And if you go back further you can find more examples of translation-de-shit: Ang Lee’s Hulk, Nick Cage in Ghost Rider, and who can forget Halle Berry’s Catwoman (a film unsurvivable, even by Halle’s twin pair of Monster Balls).

Making a comic film is still a gamble.  And while things seem to be getting better, fans everywhere still get nervous with each announcement that one of there favorite characters is getting the big screen treatment.  Thus my dilemma with Captain America: The First Avenger.

Touch it and it will grow. Yeah. Slowly now…

The seeds for this one were planted a couple years back when Marvel announced plans to make Iron Man, Thor, Hulk and Captain America before releasing an Avengers film — fans everywhere went gag.  Then Iron Man came out and we all wet our pants.  For the first time ever we realized that it was possilbe for the Avengers film to really, truly happen (and for that God Bless you Mr. Favreau).  But we got a bit more…  In one clip of the film, Tony Stark is in his lab and we get a glimpse at Cap’s shield itself.  Geeks rejoiced.  But the goodness still wasn’t over.  At the end of the film, for those patient enough to sit through credits, an even bigger surprise: Sam, Motha-Fuckin’ Jackson strolled in yappin Fury styles.  It was, without a doubt, one of the greatest moments in the history of the geek community’s relationship with Hollywood.  And for that moment, we will always be grateful.

Things got even more real when The Incredible Hulk came out.  Now this film didn’t see the same level of love that Iron Man did, which is a shame because it was perfect.  Much Like the latest Castle romp, Punisher: War Zone, the film stayed true to the comic book and wasn’t received well by the crowds (PS: I will fight any of you bitches that says differently about Punisher because you are wrong and stupid).  Despite it’s lackadaisical numbers, we got another moment of Marvel madness at the end of The Incredible Hulk when, Tony Stark shows up blabbering about the Avenger initiative after the credits! Shit got really real…  But in a DVD-only exclusive, we got to see a frozen Captain America in the ice!

So, where are we now?  Well Brannaugh’s shooting Thor and managed to pull in quite the cast (Portman, Hines, Hopkins, Russo, Skarsgaard and Jackson to name a few).  But to be honest, I’m kind of “whatever with that one.  It’s Thor.  He’s great, but he’s no Captain America.  Disagree?  That’s fine.  You’re a moron.  Besides, Brannaugh is a fantastic Director so I’m not much worried about that project.  Now, Captain America: The First Avenger, or, The First Avenger: Captain America, or whatever the hell they’re calling it starts shooting in June, and this one has me all twitterpated.  Here’s  a couple reasons why (and if you don’t know anything about Captain America, I suggest you get familiar at this, his Wikipedia page):

The Director.  Joe Johnston is in the hot seat, fresh off of the Wolfman.  Yeah.  That Wolfman.  Now Wolfman wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t mind-blowingly good either.  Perhaps we should look at Mr. Johnston complete body of work to get a better grasp on the situation.  So, in complete fairness, here are the last seven movies directed by Johnston (before Wolfman): Hidalgo, Jurassic Park III, October Sky, Jumanji, The Page Master, The Rocketeer, and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.  If you’re like me (and you probably aren’t) you’re thinking, wow, I really wish I had a picture of that girl from The Rocketeer staring into a mirror all nakey (see right).  Or, if you’re a more normal human being (which sucks for you), you may have noticed a theme in Johnston’s line of work.  Keyword: mediocrity.  None of his film are terrible, but none of them are edge-your-seat, smack-a-hooker, lick-a-midget awesome either.  It is with that in mind that I wonder, is this the man to bring Captain America to the big screen?

The next anxiety-inducing cluster involves all of the rumored actors to be filling Cap’s boots.  Aintitcool.com broke the news in February that there was a particular list of potentials for the role — all of them scared the hell out of me.  If they choose one of these kids, I hope I’m wrong and that they knock it out of the park, but for the record, I’m voting for nay on each of ‘em.  The list includes (Click for a pic): Chace Crawford (Gossip Girl), John Krasinski (The Office), Scott Porter (Friday Night Lights), Mike Vogel (Cloverfield), Michael Cassidy (Privelaged), Patrick Flueger (Brothers), and Garrett Hedlund (Tron Legacy).  As a reminder, this is what Cap it supposed to look like:

“Your ‘list’ can suck my Patriotic nuts.”

On Tuesday it broke that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel.  Yahoo is reporting that Channing Tatum may be up for the role.  Yes, the guy from Step Up.  So why do I see this as good news?  Well, for starters the guy is agile — he’s a fucking dancer!  In the agility department, the next best choice for Cap is Jason Statham!  Second, he looks the part.  Seriously.  And finally, he’s got some acting chops, not big ones, but they’re there!  I know I’m going to take some heat for this, but I think this is the man.  I’d say Chris Evans, but he blew his load on those flaming pieces of shit called Fantastic Four.  I know there are a ton of actors out there, but if we end up with Tatum, things could be a lot worse — just look at the list we mentioned!  Please don’t misunderstand me, I can think of a list of actors that are both better qualified and better suited to don Cap’s costume, but I’m being realistic — the studios won’t let that happen.  Does Tatum have issues?  Yes.  But if I have to choose between him and the guy from The Office, it’s not even a choice.

Now I don’t want to leave you all scared, so let me throw out this little tid-bit of gloriousness: The Red Skull casting is spot-the-fuck-on.  Agent Smith himself, Hugo Weaving.  I couldn’t be happier about this choice.  I know a few people that have said, “as long as he changes his voice he’ll be fine.”  Really?  I think this guy’s voice was made for this role.  Let him take it and run with it.  As a matter of fact, let Weaving play all the roles and direct the film — I’d be happier with that than the Johnston/Tatum team up I’m getting now…

I am very scared about this film.

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

Back to Semantink

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So, what am I left with?  Well, three particular tales of tomfoolery that have been simmering in my cerebellum involving stupid people doing/saying stupid things that I just can’t abide by.  So, without further adieu I give you: Mr. Wolff’s Moronic Countdown.

3.  Taking Caulk in the Ass

According to NJ.com, “Six women from the Essex County area who wanted fuller bottoms ended up in hospitals after receiving buttocks-enhancement injections containing the same material contractors use to caulk bathtubs.”  I’m going to stop here and ask that you read that again.

Now I understand the need to pinch pennies in this economy, I’ve had to settle for several store-brand products over the last few months, including painkillers, gin and coffee, but there are just certain things you don’t skimp on!  You don’t go cheap when you’re buying hookers, guns, children or ass implants!

2.  Lohan v. E-Trade

Please watch this.  It’s important to our discussion.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Apparently, at some point in that video, E-Trade was poking fun at Lindsay Lohan, at least that’s what she claims.  “Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E-Trade is using that knowledge to profit,” Lohan’s lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, said in a statement to the New York Post. “They’re using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn’t they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody’s talking about it and saying it’s Lindsay Lohan.”

No, Miss Ovadia, nobody thinks that, or at least they didn’t before now.  I know that Lindsay is a pretty popular idiot actress person (??), but I think she may be over reaching here.  Check out this site.  At the bottom right you can put in the name Lindsay and find out just how popular a name it is (for example, in 1986, the year Lindsay was born, it was the 46th most popular name in the United States).  I guess “Lindsay” isn’t such a unique name, huh Lohan?  Besides, the Grey Group, which produced the “Milkaholic” commercial has already said they, “just used a popular baby name that happened to be the name of someone on the account team.”

Ms. Lohan, I would call you an idiot, but I think you may sue me, so let me just say this: I know a moron named Lindsay, but I’m not telling anybody which Lindsay…

1.  Wolfman Ripped Off Twilight.

Do you know who Kayla Patterson is?  You shouldn’t.  She wrote this:

To whom this may concern:

This movie was a complete waste and I feel that it offends ALL Twilight Fans around the world, that including myself. For one, it was a COMPLETE remaking of the Wolf Pack from the Twilight Saga: New Moon. It gives the werewolves a bad name and makes them look like some deformed mutation of a rabid dog. I actually started to like werewolves after seeing Jacob Black and all his awesomeness on the big screen at the movies. That was until I saw your crappy remake of what you call to be a “were wolf”. I don’t see how you live with yourself for making it the way you did. If I made this movie, I would be ashamed to even admit that I owned it. How can a werewolf be killed with a silver bullet? Better yet, have you saw the transformation of the man that is “supposed” to be the wolf? He sits in some chair and his entire body turns in to some mutated freak. If you would watch the transformation of Jacob Black, (Taylor Lautner) he doesn’t come close to looking as fake, cheap and or mutated as the wolf man.  You tell me, who looks to be the better werewolf. Your stupid Wolf Movie didn’t even make the top Movie for the charts; Valentines Day WITH TAYLOR Lautner! Get that this is MY oppinion and I felt I wanted to express it because I saw that your email was on your site. I wanted to let you know this is what i thought of the wolf man that sucks.
FREAKIN LAUTNER DID!

Ms. Patterson, this is a werewolf:

This isn’t even a wolf, much less a werewolf (I think it’s a dog):

And you are my #1 moron.

Grats.

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

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Next I want to apologize to those of you who missed our time together last week because of The Undergrounds.  I know it was difficult, but trust me, it was worth it.  Benji’s been working with five writers and an artist to put that little web comic together and, well, writers and artists are about the most difficult people in the world to work with, so give the man some slack.  The comic itself is pretty damned funny, especially if you’ve ever spent time in customer service…

Now, to the topic at hand: The Academy Awards.  This Sunday Hollywood is going to blow some smoke up their asses, let it mingle for a while and then burp in our faces with the biggest sham ever, the Oscars.  A group of rich people swooning over one another, ranting about how great they are and how important their work is to the world… Please.  Anyways, these fascists elitists fleshy bags of hot air will, at the very least, entertain us; I’m sure someone will have a nipple slip, somebody will rant about the environment when they win, someone will end up saying something crazy like “midget-mayonnaise” for no reason, and hopefully, if we’re really lucky, somebody with some talent, not connection, will win an award they deserve.  But doubtful.

So, in lieu of the good Sgt. Angle’s picks, I’m here to give you my wishes-that-weren’t, not predictions, for this years Academy Awards in the following categories: Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Cinematography, Best Director and Best Picture.  Shall we?

Best Actor:  Cung Le

I speak a language called FukYooUp!

Last year a little sci-fi gem called Pandorum came out and it was, without a doubt, one of the most fun films in the genre I had seen in a very, very long time.  Not only did the movie have some solid work in the writing, directing and production department, but it managed to surprise me at the end, something films rarely do effectively these days.  One of the actors, real life fighter Cung Le, portrayed Manh, a badass mofo with a huge spear and a foreign language.  Cung Le spent the whole movie flipping, slashing and fighting, something that keeps me interested and holds my attention (I know, weird, right?).  Pandorum itself was fantastic and if you haven’t seen it, you’re doing yourself a disservice.  Cung Le wins because he could fuck any of the Academy’s nominations up, without special effects.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Best Actress:  Sasha Grey

I’d take her serious…

I don’t need to introduce this beauty, but I will anyways.  Sasha Grey has been in some of the more timeless pieces of the last few years, including: Teenage Peach Fuzz 3, Spunk’d 8, The King of Coochie 4, and Soderbergh’s latest (and the film for which she wins this award), The Girlfriend Experience.  In the The Girlfriend Experience, the talented Miss Grey plays an escort, which is acting, because she is not an escort in real life, she is an adult film star — totally different!  The drama deals with the escort managing her clients and her personal life in the days of the 2008 election.  You see?  Politics = drama!  The film scored varying reviews, but I can’t see how anyone would oppose a movie where we follow this fine femme around for two hours, can you?

Click here to view the embedded video.

Best Cinematography:  M David Mullen

If she were a mute, she’d be perfect.

Most of you may not know who M David Mullen is, but you probably know his work as a cinematographer…  Love Pig?  Now Renting?  Lipstick Camera?  No?  Me neither.  But I do know his 2009 release: Jennifer’s Body.  Being a cinematographer is hard work. According to Wikipedia, “The title is generally equivalent to director of photography (DP), used to designate a chief over the camera and lighting crews working on a film, responsible for achieving artistic and technical decisions related to the image.”  So, when you see something beautiful on the screen, don’t thank the director, thank the cinematographer!  In Jennifer’s Body we got two moments of beauté (that’s French for “beauty”): A make out scene with Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried and a topless Megan Fox — you, Mr. Mullen, are a master of your craft.  Now please understand, I still think Ms. Fox is a moronic piece of white-trash, but she is an extremely hot, moronic piece of white-trash, so there you go.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Best Director:  Zach Snyder

But, where’d he get the mask?

Fuck the haters.  I know he took out the squid and I know that Watchmen is still a better book than movie, but here’s the bottom line:  Zach Snyder took what was, for all intensive purposes, Hollywood’s wetdream/nightmare property and made a damned fine film.  It’s beautiful.  It’s as true as we can hope for any comic book ground through the Hollywood machine.  It gave us an awesome Rorschach.   And if you’ve seen the extended cut with the Curse of the Black Freighter woven throughout, it’s beautifully told cinema.  You can disagree with me (it wouldn’t be the first time), but Zach Snyder deserves a hearty bow-down from all you geeky bitches for pulling off one of the most difficult comic book franchises-to-film ever.  Even if you hate the film you must respect the doors he’s opened.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Best Film:  The Hangover

Really though, who hasn’t woken up with a tiger?

As Comedies go, I don’t ask for much — just make me laugh!  At some comedies I laugh a little, at others, I laugh a lot.  At The Hangover, I laughed my fucking ass off all three times I saw it!  The cast is perfect.  The humor is spot on.  It starts with funnies and never stops — I heard jokes for the first time on my third viewing because I had laughed through them the first two times.  Does this movie make me question what it is to be human?  No.  Am I a better person after seeing it?  Probably not in the existential sense.  But here’s why The Hangover is the BEST film of 2009: It was exactly what we needed — all of us.  2009 could’ve been better in a lot of ways.  I wanted escape.  I got a hilarious romp through the eyes of four not-all-too-smart guys in the land of hedonism and unadulterated pleasure.  I left the theater and I was genuinely happy, more than I can say for some animated/blue-people/depressing films I saw last year…  Oh yeah, and Mike Tyson was in it singing Phil Collins — automatic win.

Click here to view the embedded video.

That’s it kiddies.  Enjoy this Sunday (if you can).  Maybe next year we’ll see some actual talent get an award, like whoever stars in the Burton/Bekmambetov film coming out where President Lincoln fights vampires…

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

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Click here to view the embedded video.

On her Facebook, Palin wrote the following note:

People are asking me to comment on yesterday’s Fox show that felt like another kick in the gut. Bristol was one who asked what I thought of the show that mocked her baby brother, Trig (and/or others with special needs), in an episode yesterday. Instead of answering, I asked her what she thought. Here is her conscientious reply, which is a much more restrained and gracious statement than I want to make about an issue that begs the question, “when is enough, enough?”:

“When you’re the son or daughter of a public figure, you have to develop thick skin. My siblings and I all have that, but insults directed at our youngest brother hurt too much for us to remain silent. People with special needs face challenges that many of us will never confront, and yet they are some of the kindest and most loving people you’ll ever meet. Their lives are difficult enough as it is, so why would anyone want to make their lives more difficult by mocking them? As a culture, shouldn’t we be more compassionate to innocent people – especially those who are less fortunate? Shouldn’t we be willing to say that some things just are not funny? Are there any limits to what some people will do or say in regards to my little brother or others in the special needs community? If the writers of a particularly pathetic cartoon show thought they were being clever in mocking my brother and my family yesterday, they failed. All they proved is that they’re heartless jerks. — Bristol Palin”

- Sarah Palin

This comes on the heels of another retarded silly political slip of the tongue where Rahm Emanuel called liberal activists “fucking retarded.”  That oopsie-moment led Palin to call for Rahm’s resignation — all she got was an apology.

I did not watch the Family Guy episode, but upon first hearing about all the hubbub, I though that maybe, just maybe Palin finally had a right to be perturbed.  Then I watched the episode.  Did you know that in the episode, the mentally disabled character is portrayed as not only completely self-sufficient, modern and capable, but that a parallel is made poising her to be more “normal” than Chris, the character without Down Syndrome?  Sure Family Guy took a dig at Palin, but not her son, not really…  You see the dig in question was a mere association — the character had a mental handicap and was compared to Sarah’s son, but at no point did Family Guy rip on the Down Syndrome community (?), in fact they made an argument to the contrary.  Mentally handicapped people may be retarded, but their not helpless.  It’s that association, the one linking mental handicaps to utter uselessness, that are truly offensive.

I want to answer Bristol directly.  I don’t know how the association of your brother with a strong-minded character who has the same condition but manages to be perfectly capable is making his life “more difficult,” could you explain that?  As a culture you feel as though we should be more “compassionate,” that’s admirable.  Compassion is defined as “a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering” — how better to alleviate the suffering then to show that it is not as debilitating as most people think through comedy and laughter?  You’re also right when you say that some things aren’t funny, like Rosie O’Donnel and Carrot Top, but Family Guy is fucking hilarious.  There should be limits to what people say about those with special needs (including your brother), and even your mother, but this instance of “mockery” has not yet approached those limits.  And when you say “particularly pathetic show” what do you mean exactly?  Family Guy has been on for a very long time and while I don’t agree with everything on the show, I do respect it’s longevity and success and can’t seem to understand what makes it “pathetic.”

In 2005 Johnny Knoxville made a fairly terrible movie called The Ringer, where he portrayed a a character who fixes the Special Olympics.  Much to my chagrin, I actually enjoyed moments (“when the fuck did we get ice cream?!”), but what I found truly admirable about the film was that most of the actors were actually mentally handicapped individuals.  They saw the humor and loved being a part of the film.  Most of the complaints regarding the film were from “normal” folks “defending” the rights of handicapped people everywhere.  Yeah, right.  I have a feeling that most of the mentally disabled kids and adults in The Ringer had the time of their lives.  The truth is that groups of people who cry foul every time the word “retard” gets used are actually reinforcing stereotypes, not helping them.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Should we be sensitive?  Sure.  But let’s not get crazy here folks.  Palin isn’t defending her son, she’s using the light her son’s condition has made and throwing her soapbox right in the center of it all.  Her son wasn’t attacked.  Not even Palin was attacked.  Family Guy made a reference.  They had a character with down-syndrome and compared that character to another figure in the public eye who has the same condition.  That’s it.  Have you seen Family Guy before?  Their humor is based almost completely on associations, some times they’re good, other times they’re bad, but either way it’s only an association.

I’m not defending the right of Hollywood to be insensitive — their are lines.  If Family guy aired an entire episode centered around Trig (Palin’s son) and did nothing but mock him, then I would have an issue here.  They didn’t.  They aired a show that made light of a very unfortunate condition that is often misunderstood and a veritable soft spot in American society and drew a distinct parallel between the character with said condition and the failed idiot-politician that is Palin.  Here’s the thing: Since they didn’t actually talk any shit at all about Trig, why do you think they did it?  Do you think they knew it would draw all this attention and boost ratings/viral videos of their show?  You bet your ass.

The word “retard” stems from the medical term “mental retardation.”  It is only derogatory, like all words, when used with the purpose of offense.  I know that some people believe that the use of the word should be void everywhere, but that’s just silly.  Things can be underdeveloped and immature, thereby retarded.  Personally, I’d be more offended if people started saying things like, “That’s so Down Syndrome.”

Lighten up folks.  The world isn’t as mean as you think.  Retards aren’t as dumb as you think.  And before you start bitching, watch the whole episode — otherwise you’re talking out of your ass and speaking without full understanding, this makes your argument incompletely informed, half-cocked and underdeveloped.  In other words, fucking retarded.

Click here to view the embedded video.

**UPDATE:  Andrea Fay Friedman, the actor who portrayed Ellen, the mentally handicapped girl, on the Family Guy Episode in question, is, in fact, mentally handicapped.  She has this to say in an email, distributed by her father:

My name is Andrea Fay Friedman. I was born with Down syndrome. I played the role of Ellen on the “Extra Large Medium” episode of Family Guy that was broadcast on Valentine’s day. Although they gave me red hair on the show, I am really a blonde. I also wore a red wig for my role in ” Smudge” but I was a blonde in “Life Goes On”. I guess former Governor Palin does not have a sense of humor. I thought the line “I am the daughter of the former governor of Alaska” was very funny. I think the word is “sarcasm”.

In my family we think laughing is good. My parents raised me to have a sense of humor and to live a normal life. My mother did not carry me around under her arm like a loaf of French bread the way former Governor Palin carries her son Trig around looking for sympathy and votes.

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

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As you probably know, I hate the objectification of women.  I believe that women are equals to men in every way and have proven themselves to be formidable opponents of men in every capacity imaginable.  Don’t believe me?  How about the WNBA?  Booyah!  Chalk one up for equality, bitches!

Every year around this time of gloom, when movies are typically less than bad, Hollywood/The Music Industry gives themselves “The Stranger” with a numb right hand called award shows, and, thanks to the weather, snow balls describes testicles across the nation, a little magazine publication called Sports Illustrated likes to show the diverse nature of their mission by releasing something called the Swimsuit Edition — just when you think things can’t worse…  The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition makes vomit.  The classless objectification of women as sex symbols is both insulting and depraved.  It is a classless and highbrow attempt to guise America’s perverted obsession with sex as an “artistic expression” of scantily clad, or sometimes completely swimsuitless, beauties in order to fill Sports Illustrated’s pockets while encouraging men (and some women) everywhere to lust just that much more.

Disgusting.

Just to elaborate upon the extent of my vile loathing for this practice, I’d like to show you just a few of some of the 31 “models” so you can understand just what is at stake.  This, America, is what you deserve, you filthy bitch.

Topography has never piqued my “curiosity” like this before…

This is cover model Brooklyn Decker.  More like Brooklyn Some-one-must-have–decked-her–too-may-time-in-the-face-because-she’s-so-ugly.  Am I right?!?

Where do the freckles stop?

This soulless ginger is Cintia Dicker. Yes.  Dicker.  You sick bastards…

I want to be a fish — any fish, at this beach.

Next up on the lust-list is Jessica White.  White, like the intense fires of  hell, which is where you adulterous heathens are all headed!

So this guy walks into a bar…

Bar Rafaeli is not only named after a den of sin, but, in this picture, wears the golden skin of the serpent.  So now Sports illustrated is offending women and PETA — the bastards.

I hope I’ve made my point.

Whatever you do, do NOT go to Sports Illustrated where you would be forced to see a lot more of these “beautiful” models in very little clothing at no cost to you.  And if for some ungodly reason you do go to the site, don’t look at the site alone, like I am or you may be tempted to think impure thoughts and take of your pants. In the dark.  Like me.  Right now…

I have to go.

Mr. Wolff

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