Greetings folks!

Over the past few weeks, the internet has been lousy with teaser images for new books spinning out of the latest event comics. The thing is, all of these new books are actually old books that are simply getting revamped. The Avengers line (all four books) are getting a face-lift after SIEGE. Aquaman will be returning (for the umpteenth time) at the conclusion of BLACKEST NIGHT. There is nothing wrong with a revamp, sometimes these things have to happen. As a matter of fact, I’m all in favor of revamping, so long as it’s good. Without revamps we never would have gotten Grant Morrison’s JLA, Bendis’ Daredevil, of Charlie Huston’s Moon Knight, so I love to hear about it when a tired comic is getting revamped.

However, there is a right way and a wrong way to revamp a book. If you are revamping a character that just couldn’t sell books, you need to bring in names. No one will care about a brand new, exciting direction for Rocket Racer is Steve from H.R. is writing it, but if Alan Moore is relaunching Rocket Racer, the book will be an instant sell out. If a book is feeling stale, you need to get new blood in there. Don’t bring back Chris Claremont to the X-men for a fresh voice, bring in someone new.

Our list today is a list of books and/or characters that I think could/should use a revamp, and who I would use to revamp them. I’m fairly certain none of these revamps will ever occur, but I would be greatly excited if they did. Enjoy!

AQUAMAN: The king of the relaunches, Aquaman has been revamped more than any other character in comics. Why? Because Aquaman, at his core, is a crappy character. There really isn’t a good angle to take on this poor man’s Namor, so that is why he gets a new series started (and canceled) every few years. For AM to succeed, you need top tier talent to go crazy on the Atlantean, so I say get Alan Moore to write and examine life under the sea from a whole new perspective. As an artist, you would need someone equally stunning, so I say bring in Jim Lee. Lee could make phone book reading look cool, so drawing dynamic underwater environments shouldn’t be too hard for him. If Jim Lee and Alan Moore can’t get Aquaman to be viable, then no one can.

DR. STRANGE: The Problem with Dr. Strange is that it’s hard to keep the stories grounded enough to have audiences care about the characters, and still fantastical enough to make us think magic is cool. It’s a fine line to walk, and one of the main reasons that the good doctor has had such a hard time keeping himself in a monthly book. If anyone could traverse different plains of reality while keeping characters interesting it’s Grant Morrison. From the artistic side, you would need someone with the chops to keep up with Morrison’s psychedelic scripts, and  J.H. Williams (who worked with Morrison previously on 7 SOLDIERS) would fit the bill nicely.

THE DARKNESS: When THE DARKNESS was first released, it was a great blend of horror, dark comedy, and that Top Cow style of art. In the years since it’s release the book has had it’s ups and downs, already relaunching twice, and never really going back to what made the book so great when it began. If you want to get the book back to it’s roots, you need a writer who can master dark comedy and horror, someone like, say, Stephen King? And to fit that Top Cow art style, how about David Finch, who grew up in the Top Cow stable?

JLA:  Like any team book, JLA needs a good spring cleaning every few years. Creative teams, characters, and attitudes all need to change to keep up with the times. The funny thing about JLA is that unlike other team books,  which will tweak rosters or change creators, the JLA will go from great to suck in about 10 issues and then  get a complete reboot about a year later. If DC wants to keep the book around for a while, they need a writer who a)understands the dynamics of a team and b) wont jump ship for something else after a year. Joe Casey would be my choice. Steve McNiven as the artist would keep fans coming back on a month to month basis, just to see the pretty pictures.

THE SENTRY: When Marvel first put out THE SENTRY mini-series, I was amazed. Paul Jenkins and Jae Lee created this Superman-like character who was so messed up he was Earth’s greatest hero, and it’s worst villain. In the decade since THE SENTRY was first released, nothing new or exciting has been  done with the character. The Sentry has stood on the edge of cool, but no one to date has made him a character I care about. I say let Neil Gaiman take a crack at exploring what makes The Sentry tick, and have Frank Quitely illustrate the bad boy. If those two were doing SENTRY book, the golden avenger would definitely be a character I’d pay attention to.

ALIENS: ALIEN comics have been around for a long time, but I can never bring myself to buy one. As a friend of mine said, all things alien have been action based ever since James Cameron’s ALIENS movie. I say take the book in a different direction, and make the aliens scary again. It shouldn’t be hard, I mean you have these acid-blooded killing machines running around hiding in the dark and killing people in space. Robert Kirkman has proven with THE WALKING DEAD that he can write a mean horror story and  no one uses heavy blacks like Jae Lee. I’m quivering already!

MORBIUS: Vampires continue to be a hot seller in pop culture, so it’s only fair that Marvel’s vampire, Morbius, gets a second chance at being cool. Steve Niles has been writing spectacular vampire fiction for years with the 30 DAYS OF NIGHT franchise so he gets the writing nod. On art, Mike Mignolia would be able to lend his Gothic sensibilities and show the world that a living vampire (yup that’s really Morbius’ tag line) could be cool.

SUICIDE SQUAD: When Josh Ostrander wrote the suicide squad, it was about the coolest book around. Second tier bad guys sent out by the government to wreck house, and if they died, well, they were second tier. The book was action packed and you never knew who would make it to the next issue. Since then no one has been  able to capture the greatness of the original series, with art that was too cartoony  or stories that just fell flat. Warren Ellis basically wrote the Marvel version of the squad when he was writing THUNDERBOLTS a few years ago, and his dark sense of humor would fit the book well.  John Cassaday draws everything well, and his work on ASTONISHING X-MEN and PLANETARY showed he can handle a team book.

THE BLACK WIDOW: With an upcoming appearance in IRON MAN 2 this summer, it’s time to make the Black Widow cool again. Brian K. Vaughn wrote bad-ass women for years on Y: THE LAST MAN and  Tim Sale would be a sure thing drawing the adventures of Marvel’s Russian femme fatale.

WILDCATS: Every few years, the Wildcats are cool. They were cool when Jim Lee Drew them, they were cool when Alan Moore wrote them, and recently they were supposed to be cool when Grant Morrison and Lee were supposed to team up on the book. Sadly that never happened, so the Cats have been floundering the past few years. THE WILDCATS is at its best when it is pushing the envelope and Mark Waid is a master of envelope pushing. Jim Cheung draws great action and great team books, both a must if WILDCATS is going to get back to it’s former glory.

THE HAND: Marvel’s favorite assassins, The Hand, used to be martial arts bad-asses. Then everyone and their mom started using them as punching bags for the Marvel U. These The Hand are basically a group of red-pajama-d masochists. With Daredevil taking over the ninja clan, this would be the time to make them cool again. The team of  Matt Fraction and David Aja was able to work wonders with Iron Fist a few years ago, so I would task them with making ninjas awesome again.

BATMAN’S ROGUES: There is nothing wrong with Batman’s rogues gallery. They have been, and always will be the greatest assortment of psychopaths in comics. The problem lately has been Batman. With Bruce Wayne dying and Dick Grayson taking up the mantle, all the focus has been on Bats, with his great villains getting no love. We need to show some respect and give the rogues a title of their own. I propose a comic set up like the show OZ, showing all of Batman’s baddies interacting within the asylum. Garth Ennis could make sure that the the comic never gets dull,  and Alex Maleev could lend his gritty art style to really set the stage for bad-assery.

NOVA: NOVA is actually a great book right now and is not in need of a revamp or relaunch. DnA are doing a great job with this book, so why is it on this list? Potential Greatness. Marvel has a chance to make The Nova Corps as great as DC’s Green Lanterns but it has to be done right. Just like DC has a GL solo book and a GL Corps book, Marvel must do the same with Nova. Put  Joss Whedon in charge of writing a diverse bunch of characters in the craziness of space and the book will sell. Add in Brian Hitch doing his wide-screen action thing, and you have a must read which sets the franchise up for long lasting success.

Well, that’s it for today folks. thanks for stopping in, and have a great weekend!

A few years ago I was injured while fighting a bear.  I killed the bear, but not without a price — I sprained my ankle.  Yes, I know it’s hard to believe that I could have suffered injury at the hands of so small a beast, but it is true.  I was out of “work” for a few weeks and I asked my friends and family to give me ideas for things to do while bedridden for a while (it was a very serious sprain).  One of my friends offered me his collection of a show called Smallville, maybe you’ve heard of it?  Well, as someone who loves a good comic book and an on-again, off-again fan of the man of steel, I took up this well-intentioned gift and finished (what was) the entire show in a few weeks.  I was in no way enamored or in love, but it was entertaining enough to pass the time and he gave me the whole collection at once so, there you have it.

If the power rangers were from Kansas…

Now from what I understand  the show is still on after 50 or 60 seasons now and Clark has yet to don his iconic dress and Mr. Luthor left the show — meh.  Normally I wouldn’t care enough about a megacorporation raping established cannon like this, but I heard something the other day that rattled my geeky cage; a young boy was with his mother inside of a Target, begging her for one of the seasons on DVD.  The mother denied him and he went on to say, “But I need to know if Clark and Chloe get together.”  I couldn’t help myself and butted in, “You know Lois and Clark end up together in the end, right?”  The child looked at me like I punched his mother and replied, “Maybe in the comics, but Smallville isn’t like the comics, it’s actually good!”  I then punched the child.  His mother took offense so I punched her as well.  Then I grabbed all of the Smallville DVDs, stole them, and burned them in my backyard as a sacrifice to the continuity gods.

If you didn’t know this before, I’m going to fill you in on a little secret now: Smallville is a piece of sh*t.  It’s not a piece of sh*t the way a person who sleeps with your girlfriend is a piece of sh*t, scheming and conniving.  Smallville is a piece of sh*t the way Ryan Leaf is a piece of sh*t, promising, but stingy and too self-involved.

The show started with a great idea: Bruce Wayne before he becomes Batman — Great!  Wait, huh?  That’s right Smallville was originally going to be Gotham and to be honest, I’m thankful they didn’t.  Who knows how greed-rape would’ve ruined the caped crusader for me…  Anyways, after Batman’s story got axed, Alfred Gough (Shanghai Noon, Shanghai Knights, Spider-Man 2, Herbie: Fully Loaded, and The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor) and Miles Millar (who partners with Gough on many of the previous titles, but also celebrates success with The Hannah Montana Movie) came up with the same formula for Superman — Clark in Smallville.  In and of itself a great idea!

While season one was freak-of-the-week, the following seasons have revolved around greater story arcs involving several DC characters, heroes and villains.  Okay.  Fine.  So what’s the problem?

The problem is that Smallville the TV show isn’t Smallville from the comics.  I know a lot of people defend the show saying, “Smallville is its own continuity,” but to me, that’s horse sh*t.  Why would you make a show about a younger version of the most famous superhero ever, if you’re not going to stick to the details?  It’s the details that make him great!  I can understand a few changes in the name of interpretation, but some of the stuff the CW has done is just bad (I’ll get to details in a second).

A show with this doesn’t need good writing.

And if you absolutely must change things around, do it for a good reason; if the word money comes up in the conversation, it’s not a good reason.  When I say “good” I mean “of moral fortitude,” in other words, if you’re going to have Lex Luthor live in Smallville (for much longer than he should’ve) there better be a good reason behind it.  What you’re doing at that point is changing cannon, not reinterpreting it.  A reinterpretation would be something like, changing the design of Supe’s suit, or making Lois a blonde, but creating a character named Chloe who will exist as one of the most significant characters in Clark Kent’s life is going to change his future, that’s something that’s hard for me to take.  Now, Ready for the list?

Lex don’t love dem hoes.

1.  Lex Luthor.  This guy should never have been in the show, well, at least not until Clark moved to Metropolis, or at least just for a brief stint according to cannon.  If you needed him to be in the show in order to give Clark a nemesis, than maybe a show about Superman before he was Superman wasn’t such a good idea in the first place!  What you’ve done instead is taken a series of events and moved them back in time.  That’s not really impressive…  We know Clark and Lex become enemies, I thought Smallville took place before all that.

Cute, but unnecessary, like munchkins.

2.  Chloe Sullivan.  The idea of Chloe is fine: a high-strung, headstrong reporter who will stop at nothing to “get the story.”  Are you f*cking kidding me?  I have an idea, let’s do a show about Superman before he was Superman and all we really have to do is write about superman with all the people he knows when he is superman, but make them teenagers and give them different names — SHENANIGANS!  We didn’t need Lois Lane in this show yet!  I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BEFORE ALL THAT!  This was a cheap way to create a relationship that wasn’t supposed to happen to Clark yet…  Chloe Sullivan did not exist in the comics-proper.  I understand the need for more supporting characters in Smallville, sure you can even make some up, but do they have to be copies of people we already know and love?  PS: Allison Mack is cute.

Ginger or no, let Jimmy be.

3.  Jimmy Olsen.  You killed Jimmy Olsen?!  Clark Kent isn’t even Superman yet and you killed Jimmy Olsen?  Are you f*cking kidding me?  I know, I know:  He wasn’t really Jimmy Olsen, but Jimmy Olsen’s younger brother Jimmy Olsen.  Oh, okay.  Let me bend Ms. Continuity over a bit so it hurts less when you f*ck her!

I see: Heroes. CW sees: $$

4.  Flash, Cyborg and every other mucked up ancillary character…  Cyborg was too old, (that) Flash was too young, Aquaman, well he just sucked, Oliver Queen should’ve been the same age as Superman, Papa Kent didn’t run for Senator, and Lionel Luthor didn’t exist…  You’ve destroyed the fictional reality of Superman, please leave the rest of DC alone.

Look, I’m fine with reimaginings, I think it’s neat to see what different people do with different materials.  All I’m asking for here is a bit of discretion when referring to the “greatness” of Smallville.  If you really love the Superman mythology, go support the comic community and buy a book!  Otherwise just admit that you like the Gilmore-Girl-like writing, typical WB/CW teenage angst drama, and keep your nose out of Superman all together.  You can play with Superman, just don’t f*ck with him.

Two good things to come from Smallville?  Kreuk and Durance.  Especially Durance.

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

**UPDATE: This video is awesome.  Thanks to broken for the heads up!