Sgt. Angle Reporting for Duty!

As the year 2010 finally wraps up, we should take a moment to review what’s come before, in the hopes to change what might soon be.

Thanks to Avatar’s monstrous haul in late 2009, we are going to have a continuous barrage of 3D movies in release for a good few years, and they’ll hopefully go the way of the dodo bird before they cycle back in another decade or so. Perhaps by then Johnny Depp will grow a set of cajones large enough to say “no” to Tim Burton when the likes of Alice in Wonderland rears its’ ugly head.

3D I can support.

Don’t get me wrong, I have virtually no problem with cartoons, or movies like How to Train Your Dragon or Toy Story 3, arriving in 3D to wow the different parts of your eyes. But when that third dimension is added in post, months after filming, you get a chop-chopped version of “reality” such as Clash of the Titans or The Last Airbender.

The post-conversion process, otherwise known as Stereoscopy, is a late addition to cinematic technology, wherein the movie is not filmed in 3D but is filtered and adjusted after editing is complete. James Cameron has spoken out against this process, rather harshly, as it defeats the general purpose of a 3D film.

Other films use 3D incorrectly, more as a gimmick rather than a storytelling tool. Avatar’s use of 3D, believe it or not, only helped the otherwise flimsy story and script. The world was given depth and originality, and we were immersed within that world. Unlike, say, Step Up 3D where we’re almost kicked in the face by dancing, people’s body parts flying at the screen in an attempt to make an impact where, emotionally, there is otherwise nothing to write home about.

Or how about Piranha 3D, a gluttonous, over-reaching, gross insult to a sense of humor that plays up the very same gimmicks that any 3D film has to offer, only to end up lost and confused, not knowing if it wanted to be a horror flick or a comedy spoof.

Full credit is due to sometime-hack Paul W.S. Anderson, whose sequel number… whatever… Resident Evil: After Life, was filmed using the same kinds of cameras that Cameron developed for Avatar. Even the ads made a big deal that Resident Evil used the same technology developed by Cameron.

She’s falling on ME. in 3D!

To skip to the essentials of this post, 3D is becoming the death of the movie-going experience and needs to stop. Ticket prices get jacked $3 a pop for 3D films (theaters will claim it’s to cover the cost of the glasses and the technology to project the movies, studios will say that the extra cost covers the camera or the conversion processes), the post-conversion process leads to horrendous assaults on the eyes, and storytelling generally suffers (okay, so Toy Story 3 had a great story, but also had the Pixar factor).

But fret not, strange fans of a 3rd dimension on the big screen. Next year, we’re in store for these wonderful peaches:

XXX: The Return of Xander Cage

Green Hornet

Sanctum

Justin (EFFING) Beiber

Drive Angry

Mars Needs Moms!

Sucker Punch!

Rio

Thor

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Green Lantern

The Smurfs

The Threee Musketeers

You are dismissed and are NOT required to see any of the above mentioned movies!

Sgt. Angle

Sgt. Angle Reporting for Duty!

The Oscar telecast is over, which means it’s time for people to remark freely on all things Hurt Locker and Avatar for the next few minutes, and hopefully a Basterd or two will appear.….

Got that out of your system? Good. As your Sgt., I feel it is my duty to brief you on the telecast. There’s so much to discuss, but I’ll break my report into two sections: 1) The Awards — the worthy and the shocking; 2) The production — the useless and the touching. Sometimes, they blend.

AWARDS:

(By the way, I turned out to be spot-on with my predictions, even with Cinematography(Avatar?) )

• HURT LOCKER MADNESS: Not a lot of surprises in the main categories. The Hurt Locker picked up SIX awards out of nine nominations, a strong haul for a film that barely made it into 600 theaters in America and was made for 1/250th (give or take) the budget of Avatar. Best Picture, Director, Screenplay, Sound Editing, Sound Mixing, and Film Editing. I don’t have a problem with most of these awards, but the editing of the intertwined storytelling in District 9 should have emerged victorious, and Inglourious Basterds showcased better writing than any film in recent memory. The Hurt Locker had the momentum of winning nearly every major award this season, and the “David” angle in the “David vs. Goliath” scenario that Avatar created. Happy or not, like it or not, The Hurt Locker is the victor. (Screenplay?!)

(*Note: I’ve gone on and read some other pundits and reporters write-ups who say that Hurt Locker will be forgotten ten, twenty years from now, but that Avatar will be the one film remembered. To them I say…okay. When Annie Hall beat Star Wars in the 70s, people were saying the same thing; when Forrest Gump beat Pulp Fiction and The Shawshank Redemption, people, again, were saying the same thing. And look how well the “losers” have withstood the test of time. But we’re not talking about twenty years from now, we’re talking about NOW — or, to be more specific, last year.*)

On to other awards and items of interest…

All acting awards were predictable and mostly worthy. Kudos to Sandra Bullock, who won for a mediocre role in a less than mediocre movie, but who gains “classy points” because she picked up her Razzy Award the night before the Oscars (the Golden Razzies, for those uninitiated, are handed out every year for the “worst in film.”) It’s her sense of humor…that’s why they like her.

Fisher Stevens has an Oscar. Let that marinate.

Fisher’s Oscar: 20 years in the making.

Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire surprisingly beat Up in the Air for longest unnecessary title Best Screenplay. Also defeated:  District 9. I like how Geoffrey Fletcher’s reaction was honest-to-God shock. That’s how you accept an award.

Someone needs to explain, and I mean right now, how Avatar wins for Best Cinematography.…I’ll wait.

It’s a shame that District 9’s visual effects achievements got overshadowed by Avatar, but what can you do?

THE PRODUCTION:

• Hosts: Twice the hosts, twice the fun. You’re producing the Oscars, you decide to have TWO hosts this year: Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin. What do you do? Give them a semi-comical monologue and then pull out the magician’s hat and make them disappear for the rest of the show. Seriously, were it not for an occasional quip by Martin when introducing a presenter, I wouldn’t have known the show had a host this year, let alone two of them.

(Watch their monologue here.)

Angle’s Angle: More screen time for any host, one or two!

• CONSTANT CONTACT: Meryl Streep and George Clooney were the two major cutaways all evening, a fact recognized by Clooney when he waved the camera away at one point.

Angle’s Angle: I appreciate the cutaway to an audience member as much as the next person, but give us some variety, give us some change. I don’t want to see Clooney wave us away, but I also don’t want to watch him watching the show for three hours.

• JOHN HUGHES TRIBUTE: The class of the simple introduction by Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick became lopsided and dull when, after the montage of Hughes’ classic scenes, members of the Brat Pack appeared on stage to say one thing each…and then walk away awkwardly like high school kids at a dance.

Angle’s Angle: Bring out the Pack first, then the clip reel. Move it right along.

• VISUALS: Best Cinematography Award is presented…without images or clips of the nominees. Best Actor/Actress awards are presented as follows: a brief montage of all nominees’ performances, five other actors talk up each nominee for not only acting well but being great people, then the presenter comes out, the presenter lists the nominees, the winner comes up and gives a speech which absolutely obliterates the :45 second rule. Total time to present Best Actress: ten minutes. Total for Best Actor: ten minutes. Total time wasted: eight minutes.

Angle’s Angle: SHOW A PIECE OF THE FILM’S NOMINATED. In an awards show dedicated to the visual medium, WHERE WERE THE VISUALS?? The chat-party that was featured last night did many things, all of them negative: Wasted time, deflated the energy in the latter half of an already body-less show, disrespected actors in the supporting categories by not giving them the same treatment earlier, and disrespected the audience at home who tuned in to WATCH a show, not listen to people TALK about how great things were last year. Also disrespected Cinematographers, who GIVE US THE IMAGES that later become iconic.

• BEST SONG: Perhaps one of the wisest decisions in this year’s Oscarcast, the show did away with live performances for each nominated song, instead crumbling the category into a simple presentation, featuring a ten-second clip of each song in the context of the movies they were in.

Angle’s Angle: Good choice.

• BEST ORIGINAL SCORE: Nothing tops the appearance of Yo-Yo Ma and Itzhak Perlman at the Academy Awards in 2001, playing themes from all nominees. Lasted five minutes, and was very moving. This year, as in a few years past, we got to sit through dancers interpreting all of the scores, no doubt from the mind of choreographer and co-producer of this year’s telecast Adam Shankman. Dances were okay, the music was moving.

Angle’s Angle: Shorten the dancing, lengthen the clips and celebrate the music. Itzhak returned four years ago for a solo run at this idea, but it wasn’t the same without Yo-Yo.…

That’s all for this year’s Oscar Telecast! Despite my disagreements with the way the producers produced, and the way the awards are awarded…I will still tune in next year, and the year after that, and I’ll continue to watch the films, the winners and the “happy just to be nominated.” Because that’s a Sgt.‘s duty.

Permission to speak freely in the comments below: Granted.

Sgt. Angle

Sgt. Angle reporting for duty!

Shape up and sit down this coming Sunday, March 7, for the 82nd Academy Awards ceremony, live on every coast imaginable. I’ll tell you my predictions for who will emerge victorious in a bit, but first a quick briefing about this year’s ceremony — what makes it “different” from recent years, what makes it similar, and the moments you need to look out for the most.

This year’s creative team and show producers are Adam Shankman and Mustache Man Bill Mechanic. Shankman’s work as a director is known by you, though you may not realize it: The Wedding Planner, A Walk to Remember, Cheaper by the Dozen, Hairspray. He is also a well-respected choreographer in both movies and theater, and promises to bring a light-hearted sense of humor to the proceedings (he also hired Good Charlotte’s Joel Madden to DJ the party during commercial breaks…yeah).

Bill Mechanic is former Chairman/CEO at Fox Studios, who was allegedly fired because Fight Club “flopped.” He has since produced The New World and Coraline.

Bruce Valanche is a veteran writer of the Oscars’ patter. He is back.

The show is bouncing off of last year’s mildly successful broadcast, which had the highest ratings in three years and was produced by Dreamgirls director Bill Condon. Condon declined to return, wanting to focus on his upcoming projects. Maybe it’s a good thing, but his decision could also prove fatal as Shankman and Mechanic are aiming to bring in the “younger crowd” by having the likes of Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart, Zac Efron and Miley Cyrus present a few awards.

Oscars are for closers.

The problem with the Academy’s aim for younger viewers is that the intentions are immediately contradicted in the choice of host — or, for this year, hosts — in Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Martin has hosted before, and Baldwin has seen a recent resurgence of popularity and exercising of his comedic chops on 30 Rock (an NBC program, you can be sure). Nevertheless, both are more familiar to an older crowd.

Rumors swirling in recent weeks have it that the Academy Board turned down the idea of Borat and Bruno star Sacha Baron Cohen as host of the Awards show, worrying that his brand of humor would somehow bring down the show’s pedigree. Because when you’re having the stars of Twilight and the non-acting-actors Zac Efron and Miley Cyrus present an award, you’re really turning up the talent factor.

For the record, Baron Cohen joins Tina Fey, Steve Carell, Ben Stiller, and Jason Bateman as presenters — all of whom are also potential hosts for future broadcasts.

There are other ways the producers are trying to bring in the audience this year — including an online vote to choose a designer for the outfit worn by the Award Escort — and these tactics only go on to prove that the Academy is now less concerned about actually honoring the best in the industry than they are about scoring ratings for the broadcast. Here’s hoping they don’t repeat the Round Robin of Super Compliments which plagued last year’s awards (five people to TALK about a performance without SHOWING us why Penelope Cruz deserved to win, or Heath Ledger, etc. This is a VISUAL MEDIUM!!!!!) Seriously. It took about 4 minutes to present each acting category, and there was nary a clip to show us why.…

But I digress.

On to the predictions!

You can get a full look at the nominees here. I will only cover a few select categories below, in the interest of space and time. Feel free to chat back below and tell me who you think should win. I want a full briefing on your reasons.

1. Best Actor: Jeff Bridges.

• Jeff Bridges in “Crazy Heart”
• George Clooney in “Up in the Air”
• Colin Firth in “A Single Man”
• Morgan Freeman in “Invictus”
• Jeremy Renner in “The Hurt Locker”

Dark Horse: Jeremy Renner — An adrenaline junkie who diffuses bombs in Iraq, tuned perfectly to the material and setting, one with his environment.

2. Best Actress: Sandra Bullock

• Sandra Bullock in “The Blind Side”
• Helen Mirren in “The Last Station”
• Carey Mulligan in “An Education”
• Gabourey Sidibe in “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”
• Meryl Streep in “Julie & Julia”

Dark Horse: Helen Mirren — up against two rookies and Meryl Streep, who now gets a nomination because she woke up in the morning, Mirren has the strongest shot against the inexplicable front-runner that is Sandra Bullock.

(**Note that I won’t go into the supporting categories. If Christoph Waltz and Mo’Nique do not win — for Inglourious Basterds and Precious, respectively — then I will eat my boots.**)

3. Best Animated Feature: UP. Up actually has a strong chance of winning best picture, but enough Academy members will still vote for it here. Secret of the Kells is the nominee out of nowhere, here, a little film that has yet to be released wide in the U.S.A. You can find the trailer here.

• “Coraline” Henry Selick
• “Fantastic Mr. Fox” Wes Anderson
• “The Princess and the Frog” John Musker and Ron Clements
• “The Secret of Kells” Tomm Moore
• “Up” Pete Docter

Dark Horse: Fantastic Mr. Fox. As amazing as Coraline looked, the throwback style of Wes Anderson’s Fox is enough to impress even the most adamant Pixar fan.

4. Cinematography: Though Inglourious Basterds featured some of the best camera work in recent memory, Avatar’s pioneering new 3D technology and dedication to world creation gives it the advantage here.

• “Avatar” Mauro Fiore
• “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” Bruno Delbonnel
• “The Hurt Locker” Barry Ackroyd
• “Inglourious Basterds” Robert Richardson
• “The White Ribbon” Christian Berger

Dark Horse: Inglourious Basterds. Because there’s never a Tarantino film that fails to show you something unique.

Bigelow with her DGA Award.

5. Best Director: Bigelow all the way. She has the momentum, the DGA award, and The Hurt Locker is a strong film because of its’ direction more than anything else. Cameron certainly proves that dedication can make anything beautiful, but it’s not enough in a year where Bigelow can become the first woman to receive this Oscar. Standing ovations abound.

• “Avatar” James Cameron
• “The Hurt Locker” Kathryn Bigelow
• “Inglourious Basterds” Quentin Tarantino
• “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Lee Daniels
• “Up in the Air” Jason Reitman

Dark Horse: Tarantino. In a weird way, voters might cancel each other out in the duel between Cameron and Bigelow. Tarantino could emerge the deserving victor.

6. Best Picture: The Hurt Locker. It currently has the momentum, and voters may feel that Avatar’s technical achievements greatly outweigh any overall story or feeling in Cameron’s opus.

• “Avatar”
• “The Blind Side”
• “District 9”
• “An Education”
• “The Hurt Locker”
• “Inglourious Basterds”
• “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”
• “A Serious Man”
• “Up”
• “Up in the Air”

Dark Horse: Up. Seriously. Precious is too bleak and lost steam in the recent campaigns. Up in the Air is highly regarded, yet is recognized as a manufactured film (made for awards), A Serious Man is a nod to the respected Coen Bros., An Education is similar to Up in the Air in its’ intentions, District 9 remains a genre pick, though its’ presence here is definitely worth something, and I’m still under the belief that The Blind Side is the result of a huge practical joke. Inglourious Basterds re-wrote WWII history, and, though it’s Tarantino’s best since Pulp Fiction, it hasn’t got the regard that Hurt Locker does. Up, being only the second animated film nominated for Best Picture in history (first was Beauty and the Beast) is very well-respected, very entertaining, and people most remember the first ten minutes as pure genius storytelling in pictures — no dialogue needed!

Enjoy the show, and until next time,

You are dismissed!

Sgt. Angle

Sgt. Angle reporting for duty!

Welcome back from a glorious three-day tribute to MLK, Jr. Hope you’re rested and free from all that holds you down. Me, I’ve got a bone to pick with the Hollywood Foreign Press.

Anyone living under a rock may not be aware, but I expect the rest of you to be with me on this. The Golden Globe Awards played out live on the flopping fish known as the NBC network, and all was well until the end disaster, the hat trick of bizarre choices to carry home the shiny orb: Sandra Bullock for Best Actress Drama (The Blind Side), James Cameron as Best Director and for Best Picture (Avatar).

Now, Sandra Bullock is a fine lady, and in The Blind Side she shows off a bit more emotion than in her typical romcoms — but that’s because she’s starring in a picture that belongs on the Hallmark channel. But Carey Mulligan held more than just a smile and a coupla tears in An Education, more than enough to clean the floor with the Bullock of today or the Bullock of Demolition Man days.

Likewise, James Cameron more than executed his masterpiece, he delivered a pleasurable reel of unmatched visual grace from any such film this year or of the last decade. That being said, the story was choppy, some fight scenes were predictable, and there wasn’t much in the way of character growth or development. The Hollywood Foreign Press Association is known for running their own awards show for ratings and star-studded evenings, rather than true accolades. But sometimes you need to learn to draw the line between “chasing ratings” and “artistic integrity.” This is a line which the HFPA failed to even indulge on Sunday night.

As far as complete and utter film execution in the year 2009, here are the best choices for Directing in 2009, some nominated the other night, others just below any “common moviegoers’” radar:

Yes, this is really Kathryn Bigelow.

Kathryn Bigelow — The Hurt Locker. What this film lacks in arcs and A — Z storytelling, it makes up for in spades with the tension and editing of the bomb diffusion scenes. Cap on that the harsh performance of Jeremy Renner, and you’ve got a technical achievement to match wits with the best of earth, or Pandora.

Duncan Jones — Moon. A budget of $5 Million and a lunar landscape second only to our Moon itself, Duncan Jones’s feature debut features the best performance you won’t read about last year: Sam Rockwell. And yes, Duncan is David Bowie’s son.

Quentin Tarentino — Inglourious Basterds. War meets spaghetti Western meets the pop-culture infusion of Tarentino’s mind. No one can handle scene structure and the suspense of a long take like him, and it doesn’t hurt that he writes his own material, too.

The Coen Brothers — A Serious Man. Seriously, the Coens pull no punches in their bizarre slice-of-life story of a MidWest professor in the late-60s whose life unravels when his wife has an affair. Dark comedy ensues. A little lighter material for the Coens since No Country for Old Men (not counting the quirky Burn After Reading, of course).

Wes Anderson — The Fantastic Mr. Fox. Stop motion animation done the way it hasn’t been done for sixty years, Anderson takes his sophisticated style to the world of Roald Dahl’s classic children’s story. He apparently took his voice actors out on location (out in the forest, in a sewer) to record their dialogue, which added to the sudden reality to talking animals.

Spike Jonze — Where the Wild Things Are. Overall a bit underwhelming, Jonze’s dedication to the source material and the hopefulness penetrating each scene should be enough to invoke that frog in the back of your throat feeling in any parent, or child. Plus the monsters are all invited to my next mission, wherein I invade another country to build forts out of trees, and a command post for future Angle Operations.

Soon we review the year’s writing accolades, wherein I breakdown the travesty that is the WGA (Writers Guild of America) and their omission of Inglourious Basterds from this year’s nominations (place taken by Avatar. Explain, good sirs).

Signing off.

Sgt. Angle

You hoes knew this was coming.

Sgt. Angle asked me to write for him this week while he takes over a small country in the South Pacific so here I am.  Now I know Sgt. Angle usually writes about concepts or ideas in film-making, but that’s not what Mr. Wolff is about.  So today we’re going to talk about the movie on EVERYBODY’s top-ten list for last year: AVATAR.

One of my courtesans is a beautiful blond with a firm butt, a six pack and a rack to make babies drool — malady is gorgeous, to be sure.  She’s also incredibly intelligent; not smart, intelligent — there is a difference and we’ll get to that.  If my car needs fixing or one of my many cyborg parts breaks down, she can get in there and fix it something quick because she knows science.  The  only problem with this buxom beaut is that in all other areas of life she is a recycled cliche of just-forgotten plot lines and bad dialogue.  I love to lay with her, I appreciate her intelligence, but I would never call her awesome because she’s so fucking stupid.  Her name is AVATAR.

By now most of you probably know about AVATAR’s history.  Cameron found the script twelve or so years ago and held on to it because the technology wasn’t around to make the film he wanted to make.  Brilliant.  The patience paid off because this movie is nothing short of a visual masterpiece.  I thought I was crying both times I saw it, but I quickly realized that it wasn’t a stream of tears rolling down my face, no: my eyes were cumming.  The render time for the CG is incredible, something like a frame every 30–50 hours.  Think about that for a second.  Yeah.  Awesome.

Yes. I would have relations with an alien.

Okay, so it’s pretty.  Nobody in their right mind will debate that fact.  What else is impressive?  The science.  Cameron hired sombody to create a fucking language.  I hold little doubt that while perusing through the halls of the San Diego Comic Con this year I will see somebody dressed as a Na’vi kickin’ it with a Klingon while they trade secrets on how to learn fictional languages and preserve their virginity.  You know it’s going to happen.  I bet somebody is reading this right now, translating the whole blog into Na’vi just to spite me.  Translate this: You’re going to die alone.  I’ve come across a few articles (like this one and this one) that defend the science behind AVATAR and you know what?  I’m in.  Sure, the film (mostly) works on an intellectual level.  I think that’s pretty cool, so chalk up another point for AVATAR.

Now this is when things go south, quickly.  Let’s talk for a moment about the plot of AVATAR.  Ex-military guy with baggage befriends would-be, tree-hugging enemies until he finds himself more comfortable with them then with his own kind.  Oh, you mean Dances with Wolves? Um, no.  This film has mechanical soldiers and advanced technology, like futuristic style shit!  Oh!  Soldier with Kurt Russel? No no, you see this takes places in an exotic rainforesty setting.  Okay, like Ferngully: The Last Rain forest? The indigenous people are big and blue.  Oh.  Well that’s neat…

The plot is tired, unoriginal and reeks of other movies that were, in their time, more original.  The message of the film is a bit more complex.  Some people say it’s anti-war.  Others are claiming it’s an environmental preservation piece.  Still some claim that it is all about cultural acceptance.  Well, I say it’s about all that without being about any of it specifically.  I think the fact that the film so vaguely clings to a message persay is both admirable and deplorable.  Admirable that it seems to serve more to entertain than to preach, and deplorable in its ambiguity so that people can attach their own agendas and claim camaraderie with the film itself.  I’m reminded of a politician who will avoid definite answers in order to capture votes from both sides.  AVATAR, you dirty Demopublican bitch!

The writing overall is just, well, bad.  The dialogue is comes off as half-cocked and ill-improvised in several moments, which, to be fair, could be to do with the actor’s delivery (when Michelle Rodriguez uses a big word like “martyrdom” I know immediately she’s acting and it takes me out of the film).  Then there were the plants and payoffs: predictable and poorly implemented.  When [SPOILER ALERT] Sigourney’s character fails to fuse with her Na’vi hybrid and dies I wondered, couldn’t our hero do that?  And guess what?  He totally did — shocker!  When we are told about the union of Na’vi through the Last Shadow Rider, I thought, well hell, I wonder if we’re gonna need to unite some bitches.  And when we did need to unite, guess what happened?  Our hero rode the Last Shadow!  Oh Shnap, didn’t see that coming did you?  [END SPOILER AND SARCASTIC SURPRISE]

I think it’s worth mentioning that James Cameron is brilliant.  Yeah, I said it: Brilliant.  The man has revolutionized cinema several times: Terminator 2 anyone?  The Abyss?  Titanic?  I don’t want you to think I’m anti-Cameron.  You see, I’m actually just anti-good-directors-forgetting-about-directing-a-film-in-an-effort-to-break-ground.  That’s all.

So here’s my final judgment:  Avatar is a very pretty, very intelligent retard of a film, like a hot autistic chick that has no business in the company of greater films like The Hurt Locker or Let The Right One In.  Go see it and be impressed (either 2D or 3D will do), but ask your local theater manager to do you a favor: mute it.

Mr. Wolff

PS: We might get some hardcore Na’vi action on the DVD!

PPSS: PAPYRUS is the SHITTIEST FONT EVER!  Bad choice Cameron, bad choice.

Back to Semantink

Hello again an welcome to the first Geek Of The Week in 2010. This week its all about Avatar and alien plants.

So I’m at the theaters watching avatar again, this time in IMAX, and I’m just geeking out on all that is Avatar. What really stands for me in this film are the Environments. The forest created by Weta is just amazing. It has so much life. When I say life I mean it feels as thought there are little things packed in every nook and cranny like a real deal Rain forest here on earth. While the animals were very well done I was really enjoying the plants. The plants in this film remind me a lot of the what you would find in the ocean. It seems that in this world the plants and animal life found underwater are above ground.

Giant Tube worms Found at the bottom of the ocean

The image above reminds me of this scene in the movie where Jake Sully is walking in the forest and he sees giant flesh colored plants of different sizes packed in this area. When he touches one of the plants or animal it retreats back into a little tube like structure. As one goes they all start retreating like a domino effect. The other cool thing about this forest that reminded me of the ocean was all the bioluminescent plants and animals there were.

glowing coral

So this got me thinking of what kind of weird strange plant life do we have here on earth that many people have probably never seen. I was not surprised that we do have some very strange plants the seem almost alien in their design lifestyle. These plants do not follow the typical stereotypes of what you normally think of when it comes to plants.

mmm…breathe deep

Rafflesia:

Rafflesia is a parasitic plant that is found in the Indonesian rain forest. The plant is strange in that it has no leaves, stem, or true roots. Scientists say true roots because it does have something like a root that burros into a vine. This is how the plant gets its nutrients. Don’t ask me why this thing is not called a root but for some reason the botanists feel that it is not. The only part of the plant that is visible are the huge flower petals. This lovely flower is giant. What do I mean by giant. Well it can reach sizes of almost 4 feet in diameter and way up to 22lbs. A flower this size should smell pretty good, NOT. This thing smells of rotting flesh that drives the insects crazy and they just have to have it. Some animals like to eat fruit of this flower as well. Yum!

If I fart here no one will know its me.

Titan Arum:

While reading about Rafflesia I found out about the Titan Arum or Corpse flower. The Titan Arum also goes by another name, Amorphophallus titanum. This name is Greek and basically translates into Penis Flower, or Penis Vagina flower. The Greeks don’t like to beat around the bush, pun intended. The Corpse Flower is found on the outskirts of  the Sumatran rain forest in the open grassy areas. This plant of many names is pretty damn big too. They can measure 10 feet in circumference and have blooms that tower to 9 feet high. They can weigh in at 200lbs. Like the first giant flower this one also smells of rotting flesh.

no you touch it, no you touch it.

Welwitshia:

The Welwitshia plant pretty weird. This thing is found in the Namibian deserts. This think will grow only two leaves and has a stem that instead of growing taller just gets wider. Welwitshia is very good at living in the desert by being able to survive up to 5 years without any water. This plant also has a very long lifespan being able to live upward of a thousand years. The one nice thing about this plant it that it does not smell like rotting flesh and is apparently very tasty. Some of the locals call this plant the onion of the desert.

Codariocalyx motorius:

Lets just call this the Telegraph Plant unless its easier for you to say the above name. This Plant is really neat in that it dances, which is one of its other nicknames, Dancing grass. The Telegraph plant has the ability to move its leaves in order to best align them with the sun to achieve the best photosynthesis. While all plants move during the day to track the sun this one is unique in that the movement is quick enough to see with the naked eye and not with time lapse photography. When I watch the video I am just waiting for the plant to get up and walk away. You can find this plant in Bangladesh, Bhutan, Cambodia, China, India, Indonesia, Laos, Malaysia, Myanmar, Nepal, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Taiwan, Thailand and Vietnam.

Dracaena:

So your probably saying wow all this weird shit and now you post a tree? Well yes this looks like a semi regular tree that you would find in Africa. That is all fine and normal. So why is this tree so cool? Well this tree has another name, the Dragon Blood Tree. Is you interest getting piqued yet? Well the dragon blood tree got its name from the sap it secretes which is red like blood. That is why this ordinary looking tree is in this list.

Mimosa Pudica:

Mimosa pudica or the Shy plant is pretty neat. Like the Plans in avatar this thing will retreat its leaves if touched. That’s all I have to say about this plant. Watch the video.

do you think they took it out after they prolly threw it in there for the photo

Nepenthes Attenboroughii:

This plant does not have another nickname yet. The reason being is that it was only recently discovered in 2007 on an expedition in the Philippine Archipelago. These common looking pitcher plants are bigger than normal. They are so big that small rodents will meet their doom if they get to curious about the content inside the pitcher. Well what is inside that these rodents and insects want? This plant has a very sweet nectar inside that is very incising. If a rodent or insect decides to investigate they quickly realize that this is the last thing they will be doing. The inside of the pitcher plant is coated with a very slippery wax. These rodents and insects will tire and later drown inside the plant. Once this happens the acids and enzymes inside the plant break down its catch. The only thing to remain will be bones. I guess its just a matter of time before these things become people sized.

I know you know

Adansonia:

Adansonia or more commonly called the Baobab tree. These are found in Madagascar, Africa, and Australia. These trees always look like the aftermath of Giants trying to have sex with the earth but since the earth spins so fast well you get the idea. These trees are definitely funny looking but funny looking for a reason. This reason is because of their amazing ability to store water. The Baobab tree can store up to 300 liters of water inside. When it rains these things start drinking and swell up in size. They have a life span of about 500 years. Some trees are suspected of being over a thousand years old but no one is for sure since the trees do not make growth rings.

This is by far not the be all end all list of strange alien like plants here on earth. This is just a small list of some of the ones I found to be most interesting. While they may not all be as neat and pretty as Avatar’s plants there are still so many cool things out there in our own world. Until next week I’m Street Fece and I’m OUT!

Sgt. Angle Reporting for duty!

Throughout my daily 12-hour workouts hardcore weight-lifting and gun-toting, I’ve lately become so well-endowed with muscular strength that I’ve passed up multiple opportunities for viewing terrible great films. With the idea of catch-up in mind, as well as the thought that I have not contributed to your reasoning when choosing the next expensive feature to spend your own hard-earned money on, here is a set of reviews of films I have watched in the last two weeks, in chronological order. There’s no reason to drown ourselves in the Christmas spirit, you all know the greatest holiday films of all time, so don’t complain to me about not spreading the words of Jesus Christ this week — you’ll get enough of that in about three days.

Oh those eyes.…

1. Up in the Air — George Clooney travels the country firing people until a young, naive newcomer causes a ripple in the current state of things. Anna Kendrick plays the young hotshot, a very cute, sexy young woman who is on her way to big things in Hollywood and the world. Also, Vera Farmiga plays a fellow traveler who starts a love affair via occasional rendezvous with Clooney’s character. The film is paced well, shot well, and acted beautifully, from a refined and often surprising script by Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner. “Up in the Air,” I award thee Four out of Five Rifles.

2. The Blind Side — Based on a true story, Sandra Bullock is an aggressive, successful mother, who takes in a struggling, very large black teenager off the street, and helps the protective boy overcome a lack of education to become a professional NFL player. The movie plays out exactly as it sounds like it would, exactly as the trailer leads you to believe: syrupy, melodramatic, not quite as dark as it could be, and just on the safe side of “cheesy”. A few words to writer/director John Lee Hancock: stick with writing, let someone else direct. “The Blind Side,” I award thee Two out of Five Rifles.

Ahhh, Heaven.

3. The Lovely Bones — Based on the best-selling, stunningly easy to read despite the subject novel by Alice Sebold, Peter Jackson takes up directing reigns for the story of Susie Salmon, a 14-year-old girl, as she is murdered and watches her family deal with grief from her vantage point in Heaven. Unlike the book, the adaptation takes place over one year rather than 20. Also, the thrills are amped up, and the creepy killer/neighbor, Mr. Harvey, is brought center-stage, having more encounters with Susie’s father, played by a clueless Mark Wahlberg (actually fits the character, this time around). Like Jackson’s King Kong update, The Lovely Bones wades through thick melodrama and clunky vignettes rather than being driven by an aggressive plot. Music isn’t so great, either, and even the visuals of the afterlife are more cartoon than acid-trip-real. “The Lovely Bones,” I award thee Two and a Barrel out of Five Rifles (thanks to Stanley Tucci).

His way or no way.

4. Avatar — The Big Kahuna, James Cameron’s latest epic, which supposedly will change the way films are made and viewed, not only “raises the bar, it throws the bar away.” Well, the bar is definitely higher. Not only does Cameron apply so many visual effects you absolutely wonder how certain things can’t be real (why aren’t there floating mountains?), but he uses them properly and only when needed. The story leaves something to be desired, but overall, the adventure, fun, and excitement felt are real emotions, stuck in a 3D image on a screen that makes you feel like the Na’vi: larger than life. Cameron once said that he hoped Avatar would bring people back into the theater, the place where movies are meant to be seen. For Avatar, this is not only a hopeful outcome, but the only outcome. “Avatar,” I award the Four out of Five Rifles.

5. Crazy Heart — A genuine surprise of pleasure, Crazy Heart’s summary does not bode well for optimists: A washed up country star hooked on alcohol fights to hold onto his dignity despite falling through the cracks of stardom. Basically, Jeff Bridges smokes and drinks his way through tiny pub shows in southern US. He fights with his agent over offers to simply write songs for a former protege, and falls in love with Maggie Gyllenhaal. When the rival pop-country star Tommy Sweet (Colin Farrell) reconnects with “Bad Blake,” things take a turn for the worse as Bad struggles to swallow his pride and taste the sweetness of success. I’m spending a lot of space here describing the story, because at first glance the movie looks all but 1/4 depressing, and it’s truly not. I’m not a big country music fan, though I do love my hats and my bull-riding girls, and the music in Crazy Heart, written and produced by T Bone Burnett (O Brother, Where Art Thou? Soundtrack), is compiled of original tunes that are at once catchy, and again more meaningful because we actually SEE the stories behind the music unfolding before our eyes. Also, Bridges and Farrell sure can sing.

Jeff Bridges said to director Scott Cooper one day that even he believes this film to represent his own finest acting performance ever. This from the star of The Last Picture Show and The Big Lebowski. He just may be right. “Crazy Heart,” I award thee Four out of Five Rifles — and a shot in the air salute to Bridges.

The growth on Mandela’s back was too much to bear.

6. Invictus — The standard for Clint Eastwood has fallen from near-perfection (Letters From Iwo Jima) to acceptable greatness with his latest, about Nelson Mandela’s strategy of using the South African rugby team to bring blacks and whites together so soon after Apartheid ended. Morgan Freeman seems born to play the role of Nelson Mandela, not only because of similar looks but also because he easily carries that calm demeanor and stable sensibility, a common sense logic applied to even the toughest of situations. Matt Damon carries his weight in this film of giants (Eastwood, Freeman), tossing and grabbing on the rugby field like a man used to grappling with other men. While the movie slips into preaching once every few scenes, the simple metaphors combine nicely with the rugby scenes for both excitement and a common sense understanding of the events on screen — as if Mandela himself were recalling the story to our very ears and eyes. “Invictus,” I award thee Three out of Five Rifles.

7. An Education — Surprisingly twice as good as I expected, this 1961 set piece is based on a book, but the script was written by Nick Hornby, the writer of the books High Fidelity and About a Boy. Jenny is a teen girl on the verge of becoming a woman and being accepted into Oxford. She’s got the strength to stand up to authority, but her inner child and naivete seems to come into its’ own when she meets David (Peter Sarsgaard), a socialite who focuses on the fun rather than the work, and takes Jenny under his wing. While Alfred Molina remains reliably emotional as Jenny’s father, it’s Carey Mulligan’s (Jenny) movie, here, and you’ll do good to pay attention to this young one. She radiates comfort, ease, as if she just walked off the street and in front of the camera as if she knew it was there all along. The movie itself lags a bit in the middle, and at a certain point, because of traditional filmmaking style, we know what’s coming, but thanks to amazing acting we’re treated to a few surprises and moments of honest reactions. “An Education,” I award thee Four Rifles.

I suppose that, in honor of Christmas, you must be treated to a holiday movie review. The film I’ve chosen has nothing in common with the holidays — at first glance — except the title. “Three Kings” was released in 1999 and starred George Clooney, Ice Cube, Mark Wahlberg, and Spike Jonze (yes, the director). Directed by David O’Russell, Three Kings takes place in Kuwait during the first Iraq War. The US forces are readying to pull out their troops after the cease-fire has been declared. Four soldiers are determined to take the opportunity to swipe some of Saddam’s gold from one of his bunkers. In the process, people are killed, and civilians beg to be saved from the oppressive government that will be left in place when the US forces leave.

Three Kings is, I believe, the quintessential war film of the late 20th century. The action is not overbearing, but in your face and relevant. The characters shine because, for all their faults and cracks, they are whole. They arc, they change, and motivations adapt based on each new situation thrown at them. Lastly, the spirit of the movie changes from war film to heist film to straight drama as our “three kings,” the American soldiers, decide to change the course of things to come for even a small group of people.

Go out now, and then, buy a ticket to one of the movies above. Watch it, and write back below with what you thought. Let’s see how many rifles you’re willing to give for some of your favorites of the last month.

Until next time.

Sgt. Angle.

Sgt. Angle Reporting for Duty!

It’s almost that time of year, folks. No, I’m not talking Wintertime Coney Island Polar Bears.  That kind of business is for the ultra-weak looking for a quick fix.

I’m talking about the period in your viewing habits when big Hollywood studios launch overloaded, sentimental “Oscar bait” across America multiplexes with no respect for the independent roots out of which they grew. Or do they?

swallow him whole, Diablo Cody.

Recent years, we’ve seen underdogs such as Slumdog Millionaire, Little Miss Sunshine, and Juno jump ahead of the pack, to fame, fortune, glory, and golden statues. It is time that we start to think, “If I could see one movie worth seeing, what would it be?” See, prices have been jacked up, even in arthouse theatres, so you must be choosy about where you’ll see a film, what that film will be, and what kind of snack should you munch on when you’re watching said film. (Also, shut up when you’re in a movie theater. I don’t pay twelve dollars to hear your of your latest sexual encounter with your professor.)

As such, let’s take a quick glance at the list of “Award worthy films” that are about to be shoved down your throats in the coming months, starting with the very recent, very early this morning, Golden Globe Nominees:

UP IN THE AIR (nominated for six globes, the highest number this year)– George Clooney stars and performs the subtle loneliness that plagues middle-aged men who are voted sexiest man alive. Directed by Jason Reitman (Thank You for Smoking and Juno), who is now batting 3-for-3 when it comes to quality movies, award-winning movies, fun movies. Also, Vera Farmiga’s rump is pristine.

NINE — (nominated for 5 Globes) — “Chicago” director Rob Marshall’s latest musical on celluloid presents Kate Hudson, Penelope Cruz, Nicole Kidman, and Marion Cotillard as the women who make up an Italian Director’s inspiration. Daniel Day-Lewis plays the Italian stallion, based loosely on Federico Fellini. Intriguing, sure, but most likely overblown bubblegum from a director who can’t grasp subtlety.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS — (nominated for 4 globes) — Okay, this mother came out earlier this year, and in fact the DVD is out today, which is a perfectly timed marketing tool for any Oscar promoter (considering the Weinsteins produced this one, you must understand that they know what they’re doing). Christoph Waltz is the only sure bet for any awards ceremony this year, though despite Tarantino’s grammar skills, the script itself is already being named best of the year in certain critics circles.

AVATAR — (4 globe nominations) — For those out there living under a rock yet still managing to piggyback on your treehouse neighbor’s WiFi, Avatar is the latest “film that will change cinema” from director James Cameron (Terminator, Terminator 2, Titanic, Do-you-really-not-know-this-guy?). Some cartoonish violence and expected cheesy dialogue aside, the 3D technology involved appears first-rate, a true game-changer hindered only by rising costs. Awards? Maybe. The Globes are known for sending out invitations just to get famous people to stand in front of their logo, but regardless, the award season has started here.

THE HURT LOCKER — (3 Globe Nominations) — Only three for this masterpiece? Director Kathryn Bigelow brought us a handheld war picture that didn’t feel like we were watching through a lens, but a good soldier’s eyes, observant, in the action, never hesitating in the line of duty. Film revolves around an American bomb diffusion team embedded in Iraq, and the adrenaline junkies who make up our team — headed by the awesome Jeremy Rennar. Clearly the best movie of the year, and here’s hoping that Bigelow becomes only the FOURTH FEMALE DIRECTOR EVER to be nominated for the Academy Awards’ Best DIrector category (others: Lina Wertmuller, Jane Campion, Sofia Coppola).

Honorable mentions from the Golden Globe nominees this year: Matt Damon, for The Informant! (hilarious). That’s all you need, Matt Damon, fat, with mustache. Being directed by Steven Soderbergh.

On a quick side note for all you inexperienced privates: when it comes to awards season, don’t always think of it in terms of already made movies, or just actors and directors. Movies, like the perfect meatball, or a tall skyscraper, spawn from that first step, the recipe, or blueprint, or, in this case, the screenplay. Around Hollywood, it’s a known habit for assistants, and even agents and managers, to exchange clients’ or studio scripts between each other. One fella, Franklin Leonard, an Executive at Universal, in 2004, decided to take a survey of studio heads, producers, and agents around Tinseltown on their favorite scripts — not the screenplays which are the best movies, or even pieces that are being produced. Just, the favorites.

This list of scripts became known as the Black List. http://www.blcklst.com/.

The Black List has started some careers (Allen Loeb — Things We Lost in the Fire, Wall Street 2), and propelled others. In 2006, the top script received 30 mentions, and was titled “The Brigands of Rattleborge.” Take it from Sgt. Angle that this is one of the finest Westerns on the screenwriter’s page.

Last year, the top script (which received 67 mentions) was “The Beaver”, about a depressed man who wears a beaver puppet on his hand, and finds friendship in that beaver. The movie is going to star Mel Gibson and is directed by Jodie Foster.

This year’s winner is “The Muppet Man,” about the life of Jim Henson. Number 2 on this year’s list is Aaron Sorkin’s Facebook movie, “The Social Network.”

For summaries and reviews of these scripts, and sometimes links to the scripts themselves, go visit Scriptshadow.

Go out and see some Basterds this awards season, and don’t forget: Be subtle when theatre hopping.

Out.

Sgt. Angle