In a failing effort to stay aware of what’s “cool” and “hip” in the world today, I will often peruse the internets seeking out lists and articles detailing attention-grabbing trends.  One of the key sites I use to help aim my age-defying quest is Digg.com.  The way Digg works is simple: a user submits an article, video or picture they find on the web.  That item is placed out for the public consumption of other users, voted upon and (if it acquires enough votes) placed on the Top Topic area on the right side of the site.  It’s a great way to find out what people (or at least Diggers) are paying attention to, and it changes often.  You can even break things down by category, which I do.  I most frequently visit the Entertainment>Comics section (automatically veering away from what’s “cool,” and hindering my mission) to see what the most recent hubbub is all about.

The other day I was stalking my ex-girlfriends on Facebook clicking/browsing aimlessly and ran across a most offensive article on Digg that attempted to define twelve superheroes that are “Actually Assholes.”  What I found offensive wasn’t the content per say, but the overall shittiness of the article itself.  The piece, published by PopCrunch (a wannabe and far inferior Cracked.com), claims to reveal the assholish nature of the following “heroes”:  The Punisher, Batman, Guy Gardener, Tony Stark, Hancock, Gambit, Booster Gold, The Comedian, Superman, The Incredible Hulk, The Green Lantern and The Suicide Squad.  Now I agree that some of those characters are, in fact assholes, others have even acted in assholery from time to time, but most of them are definitely not and the article fails to prove its point with poorly written bios and half-cocked accusations.  Forgetting the fact that the article reads like it was written by a “special”-helmet-wearing fun-nazi, the entire thing reeks of somebody who doesn’t know anything about comics writing about it as a trend, not a passion.

So, in an attempt to add some depth to the poorly produced tripe I am going to dive back into the source material and determine whether or not these characters really are assholes.  I’m no English Major, so I’m not claiming to produce any glowing examples of grammar, syntax or diction use, but I do like comics.  I’m not going to get too detailed because any one of these character could warrant a 100 page college thesis in and of themselves, but I’ll try to hit the finer points.  So, without any further adieu:  A Real Analysis of PopCrunch’s list of 12 Superhero Assholes, Which Could Have Been Avoided If The Author Had A Clue In The First Place.

Before we get into the characters themselves, I think it is important to define, “asshole.”  Let’s get crazy and try Dictionary.com: “A stupid, mean, or contemptible person.”  Okay, fair enough.  I know you brilliant minds understand stupid and mean, but for the sake of tenacity, let’s define contemptible:  despicable.

Got it.  I think we’re ready now…

The Punisher

Frank Castle is more often than not considered nucking futs, though to the contrary he “tests so sane it’s scary” (The Punisher Limited Series #1, 1986).  So I am unable to use the insanity plea to keep Frank’s head off of the asshole chopping block.  The PopCrunch article (I think) says he is an asshole because he uses “kidnapping, extortion and murder.”  Well, yeah.  While he is far from stupid, The Punisher has a very serious mean streak, but not towards anyone who didn’t deserve it, and I think it’s a fair assumption to make that most people would find his methods despicable (like Captain America in Civil War who makes the mistake of calling Frank “insane”). Yes, I guess The Punisher is an asshole, but is anyone really surprised?  Good call PopCrunch — that’s like claiming Paris Hilton is an idiot.

Batman

Batman is a vigilante, but that in and of itself does not make him an asshole.  PopCrunch claims, “he would race down a city street in the Batmobile, endangering people’s lives and blowing up cars with errant use of his car’s weaponry and not even batting an eye about it” (I know it hurts to read, but stay with me).  First of all, Batman does not use his car’s weaponry with errant disregard — have you ever read a Batman book?  Nothing he does is errant.  Or, maybe, you don’t know what errant means…  Well let me help.  When Batman uses his weaponry it is never in deviation from his proper course.  Now does he take liberties beyond the law?  Yes.  That’s what makes him a fucking vigilante.  Is he stupid?  Far from it.  Is he mean?  No.  That’s right, no.  Sure, he may bash up bad guys, but that doesn’t make him a mean person.  That makes him good at his job.  Is Batman despicable?  Absolutely not.  As far as Gotham’s concerned he’s a miracle and has saved more lives than Penicillin.  Verdict = Batman is not an asshole.

Guy Gardner

For Guy Gardner I am not going to go through his abusive childhood, nor am I going to reference the time period where Guy was a social worker and then a special ed teacher.  No.  I am simply going to rebuke PopCrunch’s claim on this one.  According to them, Guy is an asshole because he made “a dick-move and challenged Batman to a fistfight, during which Batman basically one-punched him just to shut him up. After that, Guy was all about arguing with his fellow JLI mates until one day he quit due to being ‘belittled’ by Superman” (damn it hurts to read).  Okay, so there was an incident (several actually) where Guy let his personal issues rise to the surface and he made some bad decisions, does that make him an asshole?  Do you know anything about Guy or did you just read the first few paragraphs of his Wikipedia entry?  Let’s see…  Stupid?  Dense maybe, but not stupid.  Mean?  Sometimes, but overall Guy fights for what’s right so I would prefer to describe him as “tightly-wound,” and, “often mislead.”  But I could see the argument going either way.  Dispicable?  Hardly.  The verdict here is up to your interpretation I suppose, but I for one am going to say no, Guy Gardner is not an asshole.  Kind of a dick though…

Tony Stark

I’m going to give PopCrunch the benefit of the doubt here and assume they meant Iron Man, since they did not label Batman as Bruce Wayne.  I may be wrong and it is possible that PopCrunch thinks Tony is a hero sans the suit, but I choose to believe otherwise.  The closest thing to an accusation I can find in my target-article is the following, “What really makes Tony Stark an admirable asshole is the fact that he has continued to roll out products for profit” (let’s just ignore the contradiction between admirable and despicable).  There is no mention of Tony’s drinking or womanizing, just his company’s profit…  Okay then.  Tony is not mean, he is not despicable and he’s the farthest thing from stupid on this list.  Iron Man/Tony Stark = not an asshole.  Perhaps drunken slut is a better label.

Hancock

I’m sure the brilliant minds behind PopCrunch’s list didn’t mean to make this list comic books exclusive, despite the category they chose to place it under on Digg, but let me clear something up for the confused:  Hancock was not a comic book.  It was a movie first and foremost (I choose not to acknowledge the comics released after the film).  PopCrunch’s description of Hancock as an asshole claims, “he always seems to find himself reverting back to the same old self-destructive bad attitude.”  Not true.  Try watching the whole movie, no matter how much it sucked.  Is Hancock an asshole?  Who gives a shit?  It’s a Will Smith movie…

Gambit

“Turning against the X-Men crew and being generally delinquent define the latter part of his career made him a real asshole” — PopCrunch, do you write in another language and use Babelfish to translate from your native tongue?  While I hate your grammar, I agree that Gambit is, in fact, an asshole.  Is he stupid?  Yeah, kind of.  This guy goes back and forth between groups looking for acceptance, love or a way to forget the things he’s done.  Mean?  He has been.  The truth is that Gambit has had so many different versions of himself that I’m no to sure of which one I should be judging.  Despicable?  Sometimes.  The guy was raised a thief and did some pretty silly things for a paycheck…  I would say that an argument could be made defending Gambit from the title “asshole,” but really, who cares?

Booster Gold

The best superheroes are the ones with character arcs that take them from ignorant to self-aware.  Superpowers, in and of themselves, have become insufficient for quality comic book writing.  The reader has grown and requires substantial development in a character that they will invest their time in.  Such is the case with Booster Gold.  Michael Jon Carter (Booster Gold, Booster, Goldstar) was a football star turned nothing when he was busted for throwing games under the guidance of his deadbeat dad — in the 25th century!  Michael worked in a museum and learned about 20th century heroes, then used some of the exhibits to give himself abilities and travel back in time.   Once in the past, Booster used his knowledge of past events (specifically an attack on President Reagan) to gain popularity and earn millions.  But here’s the thing:  Booster had quite an extensive fall from grace including the deaths of those closest to him and the loss of everything he held dear.  Thus the arrogant would-be hero became one of the champions of several series including Infinite Crisis and 52.  Douchebag?  Sure.  Asshole?  I think not.

The Comedian

There is no way for me to defend this one…  The Comedian is a rapist, a murderer and an all-out asshole.  No.  I take that back.  He’s the asshole superhero.  The Comedian is an asshole that shits out other assholes.  All assholes bow down and worship him as the almighty asshole and light their farts in his honor.  I do disagree with PopCrunch on one point…  “What makes the Comedian borderline evil is his willingness to murder anyone he wants with no remorse.”  Yeah.  I’d say that “murdering anyone without remorse” makes one slightly more than “borderline” evil.  Oh PopCrunch, I bet you guys voted for Bush, huh?  I’m not judging — I can just tell…

Superman

Let me start my defense of Superman with a hearty “fuck you” to anyone claiming he’s an asshole.  This is the Superhero.  I’m not even a big Superman fan, but I would never try to defend the position taken by PopCrunch and the inept writer of the article in question.  Stupid?  No.  Mean?  Not in the slightest.  Despicable?  Please.  So why did PopCrunch call the single greatest icon of comics such a derogatory anus?  Well, first they noted that he can only be killed by a rare rock from his planet (I guess invulnerability makes you an asshole).  Then they threw out this little nugget of how-not-to-write, “Additionally, Superman has some other issues – split personality, girl problems, and lets not forget about the fact that he’s an alien. Superman is not incredibly helpful in society.”  Wow.  Just — wow.  Has Superman had issues?  Yes.  That tends to happen in the DCU.  But claiming assholery for being an alien?  Xenophobia much?  And he’s not “incredibly helpful in society?”  You’re an idiot.

The Incredible Hulk

Calling the Incredible Hulk and asshole is like calling a 12 year old with cerebral palsy “lazy” for not doing jump-n-jacks with the rest of the PE class.  “He gets himself into ridiculous predicaments and causes a great deal of grief to the public, mainly through unnecessary destruction of property.”  I’m sorry, but the guy just wants to be left alone!  I will not call the Hulk an asshole because 9 times out of 10 he is a reaction to something — never the instigator.  The Hulk is not mean, just stressed out!  The Hulk was kind of stupid, so I could see a great case being made there, although of late he seems more than capable (Planet Hulk anyone?).  And I could see some people calling him despicable but I would disagree.  I think he’s a sad case of misunderstanding.  Stan Lee said it best, “I combined Jekyll and Hyde with Frankenstein,” he explains, “and I got myself the monster I wanted, who was really good, but nobody knew it. He was also somebody who could change from a normal man into a monster, and lo, a legend was born. I had always loved the old movie Frankenstein. And it seemed to me that the monster, played by Boris Karloff, wasn’t really a bad guy. He was the good guy. He didn’t want to hurt anybody. It’s just those idiots with torches kept running up and down the mountains, chasing him and getting him angry. And I thought, ‘Wouldn’t it be fun to create a monster and make him the good guy?’”

The Green Lantern

I know what you’re thinking, “Didn’t we already cover this with Guy Gardner?”  Well, yes.  But the uncontainable genius at PopCrunch either forgot that Guy was the Green Lantern, or perhaps they mean to infer that all Green Lanterns are assholes?  I don’t really know.  But in the description on their site they reference only Hal Jordan, so let’s just play with that, shall we?  This will be quick…  Hal Jordan as Parallax is the example PopCrunch uses to make “Green Lantern” out to be an asshole.  Parallax is not Hal Jordan.  Parallax is a villain and more often than not, he acts like an asshole.  Hal Jordan is not an asshole.  PopCrunch, please never reveal your lack of knowledge again by refraining from ever writing another comic blog.  Please.  It hurts.  Please…

The Suicide Squad

In its original incarnation, the Suicide Squad was a group of non-superpowered heroes who fought powerful villains, putting their lives on the line for our county.  What jerks, right?  Later, as the series evolved, the group rotated villains who went on “suicide missions” in exchange for early release from prison, ala Dirty Dozen.  It is this concept that is attacked by PopCrunch, “If they were truly superheroes, and not assholes, they wouldn’t accept bribes in exchange for dirty work.”  Once again PopCrunch, you have confused the good guys with the bad guys.  And calling the opportunity for early release a “bribe” shows a serious level of confusion on your part that has not been unclear during your entire article.  To be crystal:  Typically villains = assholes.  It kind of works that way…

That’s it.  Those are the twelve “assholes” from PopCrunch.  The point of this article was not to berate PopCrunch, but to enlighten them.  Comic books are vast and layered, and if you’re going to write about them, try to know what the fuck your talking about.  In life, as a general rule of thumb, you shouldn’t speak of things you nothing about — it’s better to listen at those moments.  For example, you obviously know very little about comics which means you should read more, then write about the characters therein.  And I know quite a bit about being an asshole, making this article perfectly suited for me.

Get it?

Mr. Wolff

PS: If you haven’t checked out the free issue of MYTHOI from James and Jed, you’re missing out.  Click here to check it out now (did I mention it is FREE?)!

Want to read more?  Head over to Semantink for other blogs, writers and good times…

A few years ago I was injured while fighting a bear.  I killed the bear, but not without a price — I sprained my ankle.  Yes, I know it’s hard to believe that I could have suffered injury at the hands of so small a beast, but it is true.  I was out of “work” for a few weeks and I asked my friends and family to give me ideas for things to do while bedridden for a while (it was a very serious sprain).  One of my friends offered me his collection of a show called Smallville, maybe you’ve heard of it?  Well, as someone who loves a good comic book and an on-again, off-again fan of the man of steel, I took up this well-intentioned gift and finished (what was) the entire show in a few weeks.  I was in no way enamored or in love, but it was entertaining enough to pass the time and he gave me the whole collection at once so, there you have it.

If the power rangers were from Kansas…

Now from what I understand  the show is still on after 50 or 60 seasons now and Clark has yet to don his iconic dress and Mr. Luthor left the show — meh.  Normally I wouldn’t care enough about a megacorporation raping established cannon like this, but I heard something the other day that rattled my geeky cage; a young boy was with his mother inside of a Target, begging her for one of the seasons on DVD.  The mother denied him and he went on to say, “But I need to know if Clark and Chloe get together.”  I couldn’t help myself and butted in, “You know Lois and Clark end up together in the end, right?”  The child looked at me like I punched his mother and replied, “Maybe in the comics, but Smallville isn’t like the comics, it’s actually good!”  I then punched the child.  His mother took offense so I punched her as well.  Then I grabbed all of the Smallville DVDs, stole them, and burned them in my backyard as a sacrifice to the continuity gods.

If you didn’t know this before, I’m going to fill you in on a little secret now: Smallville is a piece of sh*t.  It’s not a piece of sh*t the way a person who sleeps with your girlfriend is a piece of sh*t, scheming and conniving.  Smallville is a piece of sh*t the way Ryan Leaf is a piece of sh*t, promising, but stingy and too self-involved.

The show started with a great idea: Bruce Wayne before he becomes Batman — Great!  Wait, huh?  That’s right Smallville was originally going to be Gotham and to be honest, I’m thankful they didn’t.  Who knows how greed-rape would’ve ruined the caped crusader for me…  Anyways, after Batman’s story got axed, Alfred Gough (Shanghai Noon, Shanghai Knights, Spider-Man 2, Herbie: Fully Loaded, and The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor) and Miles Millar (who partners with Gough on many of the previous titles, but also celebrates success with The Hannah Montana Movie) came up with the same formula for Superman — Clark in Smallville.  In and of itself a great idea!

While season one was freak-of-the-week, the following seasons have revolved around greater story arcs involving several DC characters, heroes and villains.  Okay.  Fine.  So what’s the problem?

The problem is that Smallville the TV show isn’t Smallville from the comics.  I know a lot of people defend the show saying, “Smallville is its own continuity,” but to me, that’s horse sh*t.  Why would you make a show about a younger version of the most famous superhero ever, if you’re not going to stick to the details?  It’s the details that make him great!  I can understand a few changes in the name of interpretation, but some of the stuff the CW has done is just bad (I’ll get to details in a second).

A show with this doesn’t need good writing.

And if you absolutely must change things around, do it for a good reason; if the word money comes up in the conversation, it’s not a good reason.  When I say “good” I mean “of moral fortitude,” in other words, if you’re going to have Lex Luthor live in Smallville (for much longer than he should’ve) there better be a good reason behind it.  What you’re doing at that point is changing cannon, not reinterpreting it.  A reinterpretation would be something like, changing the design of Supe’s suit, or making Lois a blonde, but creating a character named Chloe who will exist as one of the most significant characters in Clark Kent’s life is going to change his future, that’s something that’s hard for me to take.  Now, Ready for the list?

Lex don’t love dem hoes.

1.  Lex Luthor.  This guy should never have been in the show, well, at least not until Clark moved to Metropolis, or at least just for a brief stint according to cannon.  If you needed him to be in the show in order to give Clark a nemesis, than maybe a show about Superman before he was Superman wasn’t such a good idea in the first place!  What you’ve done instead is taken a series of events and moved them back in time.  That’s not really impressive…  We know Clark and Lex become enemies, I thought Smallville took place before all that.

Cute, but unnecessary, like munchkins.

2.  Chloe Sullivan.  The idea of Chloe is fine: a high-strung, headstrong reporter who will stop at nothing to “get the story.”  Are you f*cking kidding me?  I have an idea, let’s do a show about Superman before he was Superman and all we really have to do is write about superman with all the people he knows when he is superman, but make them teenagers and give them different names — SHENANIGANS!  We didn’t need Lois Lane in this show yet!  I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BEFORE ALL THAT!  This was a cheap way to create a relationship that wasn’t supposed to happen to Clark yet…  Chloe Sullivan did not exist in the comics-proper.  I understand the need for more supporting characters in Smallville, sure you can even make some up, but do they have to be copies of people we already know and love?  PS: Allison Mack is cute.

Ginger or no, let Jimmy be.

3.  Jimmy Olsen.  You killed Jimmy Olsen?!  Clark Kent isn’t even Superman yet and you killed Jimmy Olsen?  Are you f*cking kidding me?  I know, I know:  He wasn’t really Jimmy Olsen, but Jimmy Olsen’s younger brother Jimmy Olsen.  Oh, okay.  Let me bend Ms. Continuity over a bit so it hurts less when you f*ck her!

I see: Heroes. CW sees: $$

4.  Flash, Cyborg and every other mucked up ancillary character…  Cyborg was too old, (that) Flash was too young, Aquaman, well he just sucked, Oliver Queen should’ve been the same age as Superman, Papa Kent didn’t run for Senator, and Lionel Luthor didn’t exist…  You’ve destroyed the fictional reality of Superman, please leave the rest of DC alone.

Look, I’m fine with reimaginings, I think it’s neat to see what different people do with different materials.  All I’m asking for here is a bit of discretion when referring to the “greatness” of Smallville.  If you really love the Superman mythology, go support the comic community and buy a book!  Otherwise just admit that you like the Gilmore-Girl-like writing, typical WB/CW teenage angst drama, and keep your nose out of Superman all together.  You can play with Superman, just don’t f*ck with him.

Two good things to come from Smallville?  Kreuk and Durance.  Especially Durance.

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

**UPDATE: This video is awesome.  Thanks to broken for the heads up!