Sgt. Angle reporting for duty!

In keeping with my cohorts’ ongoing obsession with all things Halloween (jack-o-lanterns, the right costumes and the wrong ones, and spooky special editions of our favorite comic-book heroes), I shall present to you a gathering of the obscure and the obscene, a gallery of the nasty and the terrible, and a smothering of grim effects with a dashing of pleasurable points of interest. But rather than give you the obligatory “scary movies list” consisting of Alien, Rosemary’s Baby, The Exorcist (or The Exorcist III), Psycho, Friday the Thirtieth, Nightmare on blah blah blah, take a gander at a few other frightening films. For kids.

First, Little Red Riding Hood and the Monsters.

Oh, the FX work! Stunning. Instant classic brought to you by K. Gordon Murray, who also brought you Shanty Tramp.

Who else but an adult film producer would know how to reach out to kids about Little Red Riding Hood and her journey through the gauntlet of monsters? Only this guy could do it:

Rico Suave.

But look, this isn’t the place to complain about pedostaches kids movies or “adult” movies. Let’s move on to discuss the best costumes you can possibly pick this Halloween, or any Halloween, while you gather with friends and loved ones and watch creepy exploitation movies which were made for kids. There are two kinds of costumes: The recognizable flair — your Batman, Superman, Spider-man, Catwoman, WonderWoman (please don’t unless you can), etc. — and then the more obscure references. Let’s go for the flair first:

There’s always time for love.

The Au-Naturale. Inspired by some great actresses over the decades, actresses who repeatedly become great assets to their films. I’m talking Kate Winslet, Diane Lane, Sharon Stone. Come to think of it, just plop on a short white dress and halfway through your Halloween fright-night, let the beaver loose. You’re still IN COSTUME, technically. Oh, and Dudes, you too can wear the ultimate embarrassment moneysaver costume as that naked guy from An American Werewolf in London.

Want creepy? Okay, how about the reference to one of the most eerie film classics of all time, Fritz Lang’s “M”. Released in 1931, the film tells the story of a German city with a child-murderer on the loose. Since the police can’t seem to get the job done and catch the killer, a group of criminals hunt the man on their own, in order to restore the usually lax police force. The Killer is played by Peter Lorre, who is branded with an M in chalk on his back shoulder at a late point in the movie, thus forever marked as child killer, and forever hunted. Go for it, you’ll have a story to tell. And probably some bruises to nurse when your night is cut short by a proud parent.

For the ladies, you want to get creepy you can wear the white dress and carry around a dead rabbit, a la Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Or, make it simple and see if you can pull of the human disgrace Winehouse.

So good, I can’t look. Seriously.

Which brings us to heroes. You need a costume that will restore faith in mankind, you need to be sure you pick one of the most beloved heroes of ALL-TIME. James Bond is so yesterday. Indiana Jones has become too legendary. Luke Skywalker is just a cartoon. No, you need the ultimate in good-guys who will take on the world for his city, his community, and his children. You need the Atticus Finch.

Lookit that suit, the scraggly hair, the thick-framed glasses. It’s a recognizable appearance, heroic in its’ modesty. It’s no wonder that he is the number one hero in cinematic history, in no less a masterpiece than To Kill a Mockingbird.

Be a hero this Halloween.

Be Atticus Finch.

Until next time,

Sgt. Angle