In color salute to St. Patrick’s day, this week’s Cinegasm Experience is in Green Theme. I present four ‘Movies Green’ to stir your stew. Ingest without caution or hesitation.

At ease.

1. GREEN ZONE — The latest political film by director Paul Greengrass (green!!), starring Matt Damon as a US soldier who questions his orders as the WMD tolls remains at zero despite a so-called reliable source code-named ‘Magellan’.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Stew: Inspired by the book “Imperial Life in the Emerald City: Inside Iraq’s Green Zone” by Rajiv Chandrasekaren, Brian Helgeland (L.A. Confidential) keenly adapts the analytical observations and facts of the U.S. involvement and transition of power in Iraq into a gripping thriller. Paul Greengrass is a director known for revising the Hollywood thriller with sequels The Bourne Supremacy and The Bourne Ultimatum, as well as pointing a shaking camera at controversial stories in order to present an objective, factual case and allow the watcher to come away with his/her own conclusions (United 93, Bloody Sunday).

Greengrass entered my sights as a director a few years ago. I want to watch everything he makes, but I also find fault in his overuse of hand-held cameras. I don’t like his extreme closeup style of shooting fight scenes, and think the shaky cam he’s become known for only adds to confusion while detracting from visual storytelling. It certainly didn’t help, however, that his two Bourne movies were as intricate and complex as The Theory of Relativity our federal banking laws, but there really is no excuse for vomit-inducing camera run-around techniques.

I went into a screening of Green Zone expecting much of the same, but instead was surprised and pleased, thrilled and satisfied. The plot is of the complex variety, but thanks to a limited number of characters and a very linear unfolding of events, it’s relatively easy to follow. The camera (in the hands of Barry Ackroyd, who lensed United 93 and was recently nominated for The Hurt Locker) swings in all directions, but focus always returns to Matt Damon or Greg Kinnear, depending on whose POV we’re currently focused on.

The Rifle Salute: Four out of four rifles. There are moments where the film feels like one extended sequence after another rather than chopped up scenes, a great feeling where you can look at your watch and think a scene is over, and then you’re immediately carried into the next sequence, or the next problem for Miller. Also, there is temptation to highly criticize America’s harsh decisions and forced hand (embodied by an especially good Greg Kinnear), but don’t let the film fool you: You’re meant to walk out of the theater understanding all sides, though not necessarily agreeing, and hopefully open the door to further research, discussion, and conclusions, which will all lead to better understanding in the future.

*Declassified Fact: Paul Greengrass was once circling an adaptation of WATCHMEN.

Shaggy crimefighters.

2. THE GREEN HORNET — An adaptation of the classic 60s TV series that featured Bruce Lee. This time around, Seth Rogan dons the mask while Jay Chou (Curse of the Golden Flower) picks up Lee’s Kato character.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Stew: Cast includes: Oscar winner Christoph Waltz, who will play Chudnofsky, an LA crime boss and rival/villain to the Green Hornet, as well as Cameron Diaz, Edward Furlong, Tom Wilkinson, and Edward James *freakin’* Olmos. Script is by Superbad co-writers Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, and after Stephen Chow dropped the chance to direct and co-star, great imaginitarian Michel Gondry (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) took up the reins. Will this be all-out comedy? light action comedy? or just plain fun in the lightest piece of the prism? Find out in December.

*Declassified fact: Movie will also feature an appearance by the band ANVIL!

Conceptual.

3. GREEN LANTERN — Director Martin Campbell (The Mask of Zorro, Casino Royale) takes a stab at the comic book world, expanding the on-screen DC Universe with Ryan Reynolds starring as Hal Jordan a dude who falls in love with jewelry a dude who becomes the bearer of a powerful green ring that allows him access to an intergalactic peacekeeping organization, among other fun powers. Mark Strong and Peter Sarsgard take up the villain roles as Sinestro and Hector Hammond, respectively. Tim Robbins rounds out the powerhouse casting, and somehow Blake Lively was not kicked off when she wandered on set.

The Stew: Your Sgt. is unhappily not familiarized with the Green Lantern’s history, suffice it to say that Ryan Reynolds is a dude that is easy to watch and support, while Mark Strong’s recent villainous workshop in Sherlock Holmes means he’s an actor you must keep a watch for in the coming months. Martin Campbell can direct action and fight scenes fairly well, so here’s hoping his first comic-book venture ends up smart and on the level. Will the Green Lantern’s universe feature a reference to Metropolis and the infamous Dark Knight? If DC Entertainment can orchestrate a multi-movie universe a la Marvel, full enjoyment will truly spill out from the page to the screen. At least Warner Bros. can handle big-budget action. Be thankful FOX does not have its’ hands on this one.

*Declassified fact: This movie will play in 3D theaters, though it’s not likely to actually be filmed seteroscopically.

4. GREENBERG — Another quirky character piece from writer-director Noah Baumbach, which he cooked up with Jennifer Jason Leigh after they worked together on Margot at the Wedding. Though the script captures that same neurotic and prickly, direct dialogue as Baumbach’s previous films, there is little delightful-ness to look forward to when the film debuts in April (yes, your Sgt. has read the script).

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Stew: Film stars Ben Stiller as a miserable New Yorker who comes to Los Angeles to housesit for his brother, and ends up sparking a fling with his brother’s oddball assistant (Greta Gerwig). Greenberg complains about nearly everything, feels aimless at 40, and doesn’t even try to find a successful path for himself. The story reads like a twenty-something hipster tale, but for a 40-year-old group of characters — as if Baumbach wants us to believe that uncertainty and unwillingness to face disaster are traits that haunt all generations, young and old. Connect this film, then, with his wonderful 90s era Kicking and Screaming, his adolescent daze The Squid and the Whale, and Alexander Payne’s About Schmidt, and you can thus relate to all American age groups.

What’s likable about Baumbach’s work is his focus on character interactions. People are a bit oddball and say what’s on their mind, letting their mouths run-off without thinking of consequences. People act and do out of the moment, rather than pre-meditated consideration. But at times, that’s frustrating (notably in Margot at the Wedding, which contained numerous scenes where characters avoided confrontation or sparked a chance for confrontation and conflict, chances which were inexplicably ignored by other characters…).

Baumbach is a constant collaborator with Wes Anderson, and the difference in their directing is that Anderson is able to give a serious conflict an admirably comedic twist, while Baumbach relishes in showing us the nitty gritty of it all.

*Declassified fact: Greenberg almost starred Amy Adams and Mark Ruffalo.

You are dismissed!

Sgt. Angle

This past week Marvel’s SIEGE event began, and the week before DC gave us the latest issue of BLACKEST NIGHT. Now, as good as these books might be, I’m a bit event-ed out. There is only so much my poor comic reading brain can take before I just want a few years of status quo. Luckily, I have a great number of alternatives; I can go find some hidden gem of a new small press book, or if I really need my super hero fix, I can always turn to my long boxes for comfort. Now I know that you are thinking, “Ben, I’m event-ed out too, but I love Iron Man! How am I supposed to read I.M. without dealing with this SIEGE nonsense?” I understand your plight, but there are plenty of great single hero stories out there for you to read until the events pass. Let Uncle Ben learn ya:

IRON MAN:

“The Iron Man in the Mask” — Joe Quesada actually took over the writing chores on IRON MAN for a little while (it was only 7 issues), but his run was a lot of fun, with the Iron Man suit becoming sentient and deciding Tony wasn’t doing a good enough job. Beautiful art by Sean Chen also helped to make this a fun little run.

“Extremis” — Warren Ellis and Adi Granov rebooted Iron Man a few year ago, and the story was pretty awesome, basically turning Tony into a cyborg. Granov also showed why all other IRON MAN artists should bow before him.

CAPTAIN AMERICA:

Ed Brubaker’s current run– Go back and re-read Cap since Bru has taken over. Cap was never a must read until Ed took over, now it’s so good, I don’t even care that it’s Bucky’s book. Steve Epting’s photo-realistic art is beautiful and enthralling. I know that this run directly leads to SIEGE, but it’s a big run, so if you go all the way back to the begining, the event should be over by the time you are current again.

THE ULTIMATES V1– The best Cap ever.

THOR:

- Walt Simonson’s Thor: No one has ever captured the greatness of Thor like Walt Simonson. Even the norse people who came up with Thor wish they could tell stories as well as Walt did. You could be happy with any of the Simonson drawn/written arcs, but my favorite is the Surtur saga.

- JRJR/ Jurgens Thor: Thor gets rebooted every few years, and it’s usually pretty good. The JRJR drawn Thor is a thing of beauty, and Dan Jurgens did a fine job of finding plenty of things for the Thunder god to smash up.

Fear not DC fans, I have solo hero stories for you as well:

GREEN LANTERN:

“Emerald Dawn”- This story gets extra points because it was the first comic that I ever spent money on when I was just a burgeoning nerd. It’s basically just a retelling of GL’s origin but its great. MD Bright lends some very dynamic bencils to the story as well, juggling a large cast of humans and aliens.

“Rebirth”- The story that brought Hal Jordan back from death and suckiness is a great little mini to read. Ethan Van Sciver can do no wrong in my mind as an artist, and Geoff Johns undefrstands Hal (and the other lanterns) as well as anyone.

FLASH:

“Iron Heights”- Another Johns/ Van Sciver team up. This one has the flash in a prison against a bunch of super crazies, one of whom cut out his own tongue. Wonderfully creepy.

The  Waid/ Wieringo run: Some of the most fun that THE FLASH has ever been was when Mark Waid was doing the writing. Waid inserted all sorts of neat ideas like the speed force into the speedster’s lexicon.  Mike Wieringo’s hyper kinetic art was a perfect match with the writing, and some of the best FLASH work ever (and yes, I know the cover I am using doesn’t feature Wieringo’s interior art).

Well folks, hopefully that gets you through until this latest bout of events ends. Thanks for stopping in, see you tomorrow!

The other day I was stalking my ex-girlfriends on Facebook clicking/browsing aimlessly and ran across a most offensive article on Digg that attempted to define twelve superheroes that are “Actually Assholes.”  What I found offensive wasn’t the content per say, but the overall shittiness of the article itself.  The piece, published by PopCrunch (a wannabe and far inferior Cracked.com), claims to reveal the assholish nature of the following “heroes”:  The Punisher, Batman, Guy Gardener, Tony Stark, Hancock, Gambit, Booster Gold, The Comedian, Superman, The Incredible Hulk, The Green Lantern and The Suicide Squad.  Now I agree that some of those characters are, in fact assholes, others have even acted in assholery from time to time, but most of them are definitely not and the article fails to prove its point with poorly written bios and half-cocked accusations.  Forgetting the fact that the article reads like it was written by a “special”-helmet-wearing fun-nazi, the entire thing reeks of somebody who doesn’t know anything about comics writing about it as a trend, not a passion.

So, in an attempt to add some depth to the poorly produced tripe I am going to dive back into the source material and determine whether or not these characters really are assholes.  I’m no English Major, so I’m not claiming to produce any glowing examples of grammar, syntax or diction use, but I do like comics.  I’m not going to get too detailed because any one of these character could warrant a 100 page college thesis in and of themselves, but I’ll try to hit the finer points.  So, without any further adieu:  A Real Analysis of PopCrunch’s list of 12 Superhero Assholes, Which Could Have Been Avoided If The Author Had A Clue In The First Place.

Before we get into the characters themselves, I think it is important to define, “asshole.”  Let’s get crazy and try Dictionary.com: “A stupid, mean, or contemptible person.”  Okay, fair enough.  I know you brilliant minds understand stupid and mean, but for the sake of tenacity, let’s define contemptible:  despicable.

Got it.  I think we’re ready now…

The Punisher

Frank Castle is more often than not considered nucking futs, though to the contrary he “tests so sane it’s scary” (The Punisher Limited Series #1, 1986).  So I am unable to use the insanity plea to keep Frank’s head off of the asshole chopping block.  The PopCrunch article (I think) says he is an asshole because he uses “kidnapping, extortion and murder.”  Well, yeah.  While he is far from stupid, The Punisher has a very serious mean streak, but not towards anyone who didn’t deserve it, and I think it’s a fair assumption to make that most people would find his methods despicable (like Captain America in Civil War who makes the mistake of calling Frank “insane”). Yes, I guess The Punisher is an asshole, but is anyone really surprised?  Good call PopCrunch — that’s like claiming Paris Hilton is an idiot.

Batman

Batman is a vigilante, but that in and of itself does not make him an asshole.  PopCrunch claims, “he would race down a city street in the Batmobile, endangering people’s lives and blowing up cars with errant use of his car’s weaponry and not even batting an eye about it” (I know it hurts to read, but stay with me).  First of all, Batman does not use his car’s weaponry with errant disregard — have you ever read a Batman book?  Nothing he does is errant.  Or, maybe, you don’t know what errant means…  Well let me help.  When Batman uses his weaponry it is never in deviation from his proper course.  Now does he take liberties beyond the law?  Yes.  That’s what makes him a fucking vigilante.  Is he stupid?  Far from it.  Is he mean?  No.  That’s right, no.  Sure, he may bash up bad guys, but that doesn’t make him a mean person.  That makes him good at his job.  Is Batman despicable?  Absolutely not.  As far as Gotham’s concerned he’s a miracle and has saved more lives than Penicillin.  Verdict = Batman is not an asshole.

Guy Gardner

For Guy Gardner I am not going to go through his abusive childhood, nor am I going to reference the time period where Guy was a social worker and then a special ed teacher.  No.  I am simply going to rebuke PopCrunch’s claim on this one.  According to them, Guy is an asshole because he made “a dick-move and challenged Batman to a fistfight, during which Batman basically one-punched him just to shut him up. After that, Guy was all about arguing with his fellow JLI mates until one day he quit due to being ‘belittled’ by Superman” (damn it hurts to read).  Okay, so there was an incident (several actually) where Guy let his personal issues rise to the surface and he made some bad decisions, does that make him an asshole?  Do you know anything about Guy or did you just read the first few paragraphs of his Wikipedia entry?  Let’s see…  Stupid?  Dense maybe, but not stupid.  Mean?  Sometimes, but overall Guy fights for what’s right so I would prefer to describe him as “tightly-wound,” and, “often mislead.”  But I could see the argument going either way.  Dispicable?  Hardly.  The verdict here is up to your interpretation I suppose, but I for one am going to say no, Guy Gardner is not an asshole.  Kind of a dick though…

Tony Stark

I’m going to give PopCrunch the benefit of the doubt here and assume they meant Iron Man, since they did not label Batman as Bruce Wayne.  I may be wrong and it is possible that PopCrunch thinks Tony is a hero sans the suit, but I choose to believe otherwise.  The closest thing to an accusation I can find in my target-article is the following, “What really makes Tony Stark an admirable asshole is the fact that he has continued to roll out products for profit” (let’s just ignore the contradiction between admirable and despicable).  There is no mention of Tony’s drinking or womanizing, just his company’s profit…  Okay then.  Tony is not mean, he is not despicable and he’s the farthest thing from stupid on this list.  Iron Man/Tony Stark = not an asshole.  Perhaps drunken slut is a better label.

Hancock

I’m sure the brilliant minds behind PopCrunch’s list didn’t mean to make this list comic books exclusive, despite the category they chose to place it under on Digg, but let me clear something up for the confused:  Hancock was not a comic book.  It was a movie first and foremost (I choose not to acknowledge the comics released after the film).  PopCrunch’s description of Hancock as an asshole claims, “he always seems to find himself reverting back to the same old self-destructive bad attitude.”  Not true.  Try watching the whole movie, no matter how much it sucked.  Is Hancock an asshole?  Who gives a shit?  It’s a Will Smith movie…

Gambit

“Turning against the X-Men crew and being generally delinquent define the latter part of his career made him a real asshole” — PopCrunch, do you write in another language and use Babelfish to translate from your native tongue?  While I hate your grammar, I agree that Gambit is, in fact, an asshole.  Is he stupid?  Yeah, kind of.  This guy goes back and forth between groups looking for acceptance, love or a way to forget the things he’s done.  Mean?  He has been.  The truth is that Gambit has had so many different versions of himself that I’m no to sure of which one I should be judging.  Despicable?  Sometimes.  The guy was raised a thief and did some pretty silly things for a paycheck…  I would say that an argument could be made defending Gambit from the title “asshole,” but really, who cares?

Booster Gold

The best superheroes are the ones with character arcs that take them from ignorant to self-aware.  Superpowers, in and of themselves, have become insufficient for quality comic book writing.  The reader has grown and requires substantial development in a character that they will invest their time in.  Such is the case with Booster Gold.  Michael Jon Carter (Booster Gold, Booster, Goldstar) was a football star turned nothing when he was busted for throwing games under the guidance of his deadbeat dad — in the 25th century!  Michael worked in a museum and learned about 20th century heroes, then used some of the exhibits to give himself abilities and travel back in time.   Once in the past, Booster used his knowledge of past events (specifically an attack on President Reagan) to gain popularity and earn millions.  But here’s the thing:  Booster had quite an extensive fall from grace including the deaths of those closest to him and the loss of everything he held dear.  Thus the arrogant would-be hero became one of the champions of several series including Infinite Crisis and 52.  Douchebag?  Sure.  Asshole?  I think not.

The Comedian

There is no way for me to defend this one…  The Comedian is a rapist, a murderer and an all-out asshole.  No.  I take that back.  He’s the asshole superhero.  The Comedian is an asshole that shits out other assholes.  All assholes bow down and worship him as the almighty asshole and light their farts in his honor.  I do disagree with PopCrunch on one point…  “What makes the Comedian borderline evil is his willingness to murder anyone he wants with no remorse.”  Yeah.  I’d say that “murdering anyone without remorse” makes one slightly more than “borderline” evil.  Oh PopCrunch, I bet you guys voted for Bush, huh?  I’m not judging — I can just tell…

Superman

Let me start my defense of Superman with a hearty “fuck you” to anyone claiming he’s an asshole.  This is the Superhero.  I’m not even a big Superman fan, but I would never try to defend the position taken by PopCrunch and the inept writer of the article in question.  Stupid?  No.  Mean?  Not in the slightest.  Despicable?  Please.  So why did PopCrunch call the single greatest icon of comics such a derogatory anus?  Well, first they noted that he can only be killed by a rare rock from his planet (I guess invulnerability makes you an asshole).  Then they threw out this little nugget of how-not-to-write, “Additionally, Superman has some other issues – split personality, girl problems, and lets not forget about the fact that he’s an alien. Superman is not incredibly helpful in society.”  Wow.  Just — wow.  Has Superman had issues?  Yes.  That tends to happen in the DCU.  But claiming assholery for being an alien?  Xenophobia much?  And he’s not “incredibly helpful in society?”  You’re an idiot.

The Incredible Hulk

Calling the Incredible Hulk and asshole is like calling a 12 year old with cerebral palsy “lazy” for not doing jump-n-jacks with the rest of the PE class.  “He gets himself into ridiculous predicaments and causes a great deal of grief to the public, mainly through unnecessary destruction of property.”  I’m sorry, but the guy just wants to be left alone!  I will not call the Hulk an asshole because 9 times out of 10 he is a reaction to something — never the instigator.  The Hulk is not mean, just stressed out!  The Hulk was kind of stupid, so I could see a great case being made there, although of late he seems more than capable (Planet Hulk anyone?).  And I could see some people calling him despicable but I would disagree.  I think he’s a sad case of misunderstanding.  Stan Lee said it best, “I combined Jekyll and Hyde with Frankenstein,” he explains, “and I got myself the monster I wanted, who was really good, but nobody knew it. He was also somebody who could change from a normal man into a monster, and lo, a legend was born. I had always loved the old movie Frankenstein. And it seemed to me that the monster, played by Boris Karloff, wasn’t really a bad guy. He was the good guy. He didn’t want to hurt anybody. It’s just those idiots with torches kept running up and down the mountains, chasing him and getting him angry. And I thought, ‘Wouldn’t it be fun to create a monster and make him the good guy?’”

The Green Lantern

I know what you’re thinking, “Didn’t we already cover this with Guy Gardner?”  Well, yes.  But the uncontainable genius at PopCrunch either forgot that Guy was the Green Lantern, or perhaps they mean to infer that all Green Lanterns are assholes?  I don’t really know.  But in the description on their site they reference only Hal Jordan, so let’s just play with that, shall we?  This will be quick…  Hal Jordan as Parallax is the example PopCrunch uses to make “Green Lantern” out to be an asshole.  Parallax is not Hal Jordan.  Parallax is a villain and more often than not, he acts like an asshole.  Hal Jordan is not an asshole.  PopCrunch, please never reveal your lack of knowledge again by refraining from ever writing another comic blog.  Please.  It hurts.  Please…

The Suicide Squad

In its original incarnation, the Suicide Squad was a group of non-superpowered heroes who fought powerful villains, putting their lives on the line for our county.  What jerks, right?  Later, as the series evolved, the group rotated villains who went on “suicide missions” in exchange for early release from prison, ala Dirty Dozen.  It is this concept that is attacked by PopCrunch, “If they were truly superheroes, and not assholes, they wouldn’t accept bribes in exchange for dirty work.”  Once again PopCrunch, you have confused the good guys with the bad guys.  And calling the opportunity for early release a “bribe” shows a serious level of confusion on your part that has not been unclear during your entire article.  To be crystal:  Typically villains = assholes.  It kind of works that way…

That’s it.  Those are the twelve “assholes” from PopCrunch.  The point of this article was not to berate PopCrunch, but to enlighten them.  Comic books are vast and layered, and if you’re going to write about them, try to know what the fuck your talking about.  In life, as a general rule of thumb, you shouldn’t speak of things you nothing about — it’s better to listen at those moments.  For example, you obviously know very little about comics which means you should read more, then write about the characters therein.  And I know quite a bit about being an asshole, making this article perfectly suited for me.

Get it?

Mr. Wolff

PS: If you haven’t checked out the free issue of MYTHOI from James and Jed, you’re missing out.  Click here to check it out now (did I mention it is FREE?)!

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