I Cry Shennanigans!
Greetings readers!
Usually when I sit down to figure out my weekly blog, it takes me a while to scan through the world of comics and find my inspiration. As I was perusing the usual places, it slowly dawned on me that there is an inordinate amount of comic related madness out and about this week. From strange to silly to triflin’, the comic book news cycle was just a bit off. Don’t believe me? Let me share a few tidbits with you:
Lil Obama? A while back, Image comics and Robert Kirkman put out some pretty hilarious teaser images poking fun at Marvel’s AVENGERS promo for the upcoming GUARDIANS OF THE GLOBE book. The images depicted increasingly ridiculous characters joining the team, from Spawn to Barack Obama, to a very Harry Potter-like child (you can check em out here). Well, it turns out that these images were so popular that Image will now feature the team in a series of one page back up stories. The characters will also be cute-ified, as you can see from the cover above. When I saw this, I couldn’t help but think, “Why?” Was the world calling for lil’ Spawn? You can get the official press release over at Image’s Website.
IRON MAN double dipping? Last Friday, Marvel Comics announced that on June 30th INVINCIBLE IRON MAN ANNUAL #1 would be released simultaneously in comic book stores and on their ipad/iphone/ipod app, the first comic to be released in such a fashion. I know that Marvel has been on the forefront of digital distribution, and that your average digital reader might not be your average LCS shopper, but doesn’t this seem kind of, I don’t know, ho-ish? When I read this, I just felt bad for the comic shop guys. Yes, it’s only one comic, but it is still money out of retailer pockets. I guess I’m just amazed that Marvel would treat retailers (who kept them in business through many a rough year) with such disdain. Boo to you Marvel. You can read the press release on Newsarama.
X-men vs. vampires? Sticking with Marvel, the X-franchise has a new issue #1 coming out, with the mighty mutants taking on… vampires? I’m taken aback. Admittedly, I haven’t read an X-book in a little while, but doesn’t this seem kind of out of left field? Out of all the characters in the Marvel U, the X-men don’t really seem like the group to go undead hunting. There’s preview art for you if you are into that sort of thing over at Marvel.
90s trading cards? I came across this small piece of madness over on Comics Alliance and it boggled my mind. For those who don’t feel like following links, let me sum up; in the 1990’s Eclipse Entertainment actually made trading cards for comic book creators. Not characters, creators. Now, I think it’s great that Jack Kirby got his own trading card, but Shirtless McFarlane in the skinny jeans? No, with a side of no. I have often harped on the silliness of the 1990’s comic book scene, and this just proves me right. (On a side note, if you do click over to the main article, how scary is the resemblance between Clive Barker and Adam Sandler?)
World Record? Last week Melbourne, Australia broke the Guinness world record for… get ready for it… “largest number of people in superhero costumes gathered in one place”. That’s got to be one of the strangest world records I’ve ever heard of that didn’t involve some sort of bodily growth. The Aussies snagged the record with a whopping 1245 people in costume, beating previous record holder London, England by a scant 154 people (only one week after London had gained the title). Thanks again to Comics Alliance for filling me in on the craziness.
Super-Dwight? Yesterday, Adidas announced that they would team with Warner Brothers to produce a line of shoes and Apparel featuring Superman and Orlando Magic Center Dwight Howard (pictured above). I’m all for cross-promotion, but what Brad Globe of Warner Bros. had a quote in the article that made me groan. I’m sure you want to see the quote:
“Superman is the universal symbol of strength and speed, not to mention he has one heck of a vertical leap. Dwight’s super heroic feats on the court make this partnership with Adidas an ideal collaboration for basketball and comic book fans alike.”
The article goes on to talk about the history of Superman and the achievements of Howard. The more I read, the odder the pairing seemed. That being said, more power to DC and Warner Bros. for pimping out Supes like a cheap trick, he needed to be taken down a notch. Thanks to comic book resources for the story.
CSI: Mortal Kombat? Weird can work sometimes though as well. If you haven’t seen it yet, check out this re-imagining of Mortal Kombat:
Pretty interesting. This short was put together in the hopes of landing a full length feature, and while parts of it are kind of silly (a former plastic surgeon becomes a martial arts master?), it seems like a shot in the arm for what has become a tired franchise. Given that my only memory of the original Mortal Kombat movie is laughing at Christopher Lambert as a lightning god, I’m rooting for this one to get made.
So, as you can see, it was an odd week for comic book news. Thanks for letting me rant, folks. Check back in tomorrow for the latest from Dr. Cellus. Have a great Thursday!
Frank Castle is more often than not considered nucking futs, though to the contrary he “tests so sane it’s scary” (The Punisher Limited Series #1, 1986). So I am unable to use the insanity plea to keep Frank’s head off of the asshole chopping block. The PopCrunch article (I think) says he is an asshole because he uses “kidnapping, extortion and murder.” Well, yeah. While he is far from stupid, The Punisher has a very serious mean streak, but not towards anyone who didn’t deserve it, and I think it’s a fair assumption to make that most people would find his methods despicable (like Captain America in Civil War who makes the mistake of calling Frank “insane”). Yes, I guess The Punisher is an asshole, but is anyone really surprised? Good call PopCrunch — that’s like claiming Paris Hilton is an idiot.
Batman is a vigilante, but that in and of itself does not make him an asshole. PopCrunch claims, “he would race down a city street in the Batmobile, endangering people’s lives and blowing up cars with errant use of his car’s weaponry and not even batting an eye about it” (I know it hurts to read, but stay with me). First of all, Batman does not use his car’s weaponry with errant disregard — have you ever read a Batman book? Nothing he does is errant. Or, maybe, you don’t know what errant means… Well let me help. When Batman uses his weaponry it is never in deviation from his proper course. Now does he take liberties beyond the law? Yes. That’s what makes him a fucking vigilante. Is he stupid? Far from it. Is he mean? No. That’s right, no. Sure, he may bash up bad guys, but that doesn’t make him a mean person. That makes him good at his job. Is Batman despicable? Absolutely not. As far as Gotham’s concerned he’s a miracle and has saved more lives than Penicillin. Verdict = Batman is not an asshole.
For Guy Gardner I am not going to go through his abusive childhood, nor am I going to reference the time period where Guy was a social worker and then a special ed teacher. No. I am simply going to rebuke PopCrunch’s claim on this one. According to them, Guy is an asshole because he made “a dick-move and challenged Batman to a fistfight, during which Batman basically one-punched him just to shut him up. After that, Guy was all about arguing with his fellow JLI mates until one day he quit due to being ‘belittled’ by Superman” (damn it hurts to read). Okay, so there was an incident (several actually) where Guy let his personal issues rise to the surface and he made some bad decisions, does that make him an asshole? Do you know anything about Guy or did you just read the first few paragraphs of his 
I’m going to give PopCrunch the benefit of the doubt here and assume they meant Iron Man, since they did not label Batman as Bruce Wayne. I may be wrong and it is possible that PopCrunch thinks Tony is a hero sans the suit, but I choose to believe otherwise. The closest thing to an accusation I can find in my target-article is the following, “What really makes Tony Stark an admirable asshole is the fact that he has continued to roll out products for profit” (let’s just ignore the contradiction between admirable and despicable). There is no mention of Tony’s drinking or womanizing, just his company’s profit… Okay then. Tony is not mean, he is not despicable and he’s the farthest thing from stupid on this list. Iron Man/Tony Stark = not an asshole. Perhaps drunken slut is a better label.
The best superheroes are the ones with character arcs that take them from ignorant to self-aware. Superpowers, in and of themselves, have become insufficient for quality comic book writing. The reader has grown and requires substantial development in a character that they will invest their time in. Such is the case with Booster Gold. Michael Jon Carter (Booster Gold, Booster, Goldstar) was a football star turned nothing when he was busted for throwing games under the guidance of his deadbeat dad — in the 25th century! Michael worked in a museum and learned about 20th century heroes, then used some of the exhibits to give himself abilities and travel back in time. Once in the past, Booster used his knowledge of past events (specifically an attack on President Reagan) to gain popularity and earn millions. But here’s the thing: Booster had quite an extensive fall from grace including the deaths of those closest to him and the loss of everything he held dear. Thus the arrogant would-be hero became one of the champions of several series including Infinite Crisis and 52. Douchebag? Sure. Asshole? I think not.
Let me start my defense of Superman with a hearty “fuck you” to anyone claiming he’s an asshole. This is the Superhero. I’m not even a big Superman fan, but I would never try to defend the position taken by PopCrunch and the inept writer of the article in question. Stupid? No. Mean? Not in the slightest. Despicable? Please. So why did PopCrunch call the single greatest icon of comics such a derogatory anus? Well, first they noted that he can only be killed by a rare rock from his planet (I guess invulnerability makes you an asshole). Then they threw out this little nugget of how-not-to-write, “Additionally, Superman has some other issues – split personality, girl problems, and lets not forget about the fact that he’s an alien. Superman is not incredibly helpful in society.” Wow. Just — wow. Has Superman had issues? Yes. That tends to happen in the DCU. But claiming assholery for being an alien? Xenophobia much? And he’s not “incredibly helpful in society?” You’re an idiot.
Calling the Incredible Hulk and asshole is like calling a 12 year old with cerebral palsy “lazy” for not doing jump-n-jacks with the rest of the PE class. “He gets himself into ridiculous predicaments and causes a great deal of grief to the public, mainly through unnecessary destruction of property.” I’m sorry, but the guy just wants to be left alone! I will not call the Hulk an asshole because 9 times out of 10 he is a reaction to something — never the instigator. The Hulk is not mean, just stressed out! The Hulk was kind of stupid, so I could see a great case being made there, although of late he seems more than capable (Planet Hulk anyone?). And I could see some people calling him despicable but I would disagree. I think he’s a sad case of misunderstanding. Stan Lee said it best, “I combined Jekyll and Hyde with Frankenstein,” he explains, “and I got myself the monster I wanted, who was really good, but nobody knew it. He was also somebody who could change from a normal man into a monster, and lo, a legend was born.
I know what you’re thinking, “Didn’t we already cover this with Guy Gardner?” Well, yes. But the uncontainable genius at PopCrunch either forgot that Guy was the Green Lantern, or perhaps they mean to infer that all Green Lanterns are assholes? I don’t really know. But in the description on their site they reference only Hal Jordan, so let’s just play with that, shall we? This will be quick… Hal Jordan as Parallax is the example PopCrunch uses to make “Green Lantern” out to be an asshole. Parallax is not Hal Jordan. Parallax is a villain and more often than not, he acts like an asshole. Hal Jordan is not an asshole. PopCrunch, please never reveal your lack of knowledge again by refraining from ever writing another comic blog. Please. It hurts. Please…
In its original incarnation, the Suicide Squad was a group of non-superpowered heroes who fought powerful villains, putting their lives on the line for our county. What jerks, right? Later, as the series evolved, the group rotated villains who went on “suicide missions” in exchange for early release from prison, ala Dirty Dozen. It is this concept that is attacked by PopCrunch, “If they were truly superheroes, and not assholes, they wouldn’t accept bribes in exchange for dirty work.” Once again PopCrunch, you have confused the good guys with the bad guys. And calling the opportunity for early release a “bribe” shows a serious level of confusion on your part that has not been unclear during your entire article. To be crystal: Typically villains = assholes. It kind of works that way…