Over the last few weeks I have been bombarded with overwhelming amounts of fucktardery that, while normally get shoved down my throat and choked into silent submission, have been regurgitated into the spotlight of my mind based on the abnormally slow week in real entertainment news.  Corey Haim died; Christopher Nolan announced that he, David Goyer and [yet-to-announced Director] will be working on the next Superman Movie (also in this article: no Mr. Freeze in the next Batman); a ten second Twilight: Eclipse trailer was released that makes my balls tremble with rage; and, the new TRON: LEGACY trailer came out, which is full of fantastic.  But none of that is really “Rant” worthy…yet.

So, what am I left with?  Well, three particular tales of tomfoolery that have been simmering in my cerebellum involving stupid people doing/saying stupid things that I just can’t abide by.  So, without further adieu I give you: Mr. Wolff’s Moronic Countdown.

3.  Taking Caulk in the Ass

According to NJ.com, “Six women from the Essex County area who wanted fuller bottoms ended up in hospitals after receiving buttocks-enhancement injections containing the same material contractors use to caulk bathtubs.”  I’m going to stop here and ask that you read that again.

Now I understand the need to pinch pennies in this economy, I’ve had to settle for several store-brand products over the last few months, including painkillers, gin and coffee, but there are just certain things you don’t skimp on!  You don’t go cheap when you’re buying hookers, guns, children or ass implants!

2.  Lohan v. E-Trade

Please watch this.  It’s important to our discussion.

Apparently, at some point in that video, E-Trade was poking fun at Lindsay Lohan, at least that’s what she claims.  “Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E-Trade is using that knowledge to profit,” Lohan’s lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, said in a statement to the New York Post. “They’re using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn’t they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody’s talking about it and saying it’s Lindsay Lohan.”

No, Miss Ovadia, nobody thinks that, or at least they didn’t before now.  I know that Lindsay is a pretty popular idiot actress person (??), but I think she may be over reaching here.  Check out this site.  At the bottom right you can put in the name Lindsay and find out just how popular a name it is (for example, in 1986, the year Lindsay was born, it was the 46th most popular name in the United States).  I guess “Lindsay” isn’t such a unique name, huh Lohan?  Besides, the Grey Group, which produced the “Milkaholic” commercial has already said they, “just used a popular baby name that happened to be the name of someone on the account team.”

Ms. Lohan, I would call you an idiot, but I think you may sue me, so let me just say this: I know a moron named Lindsay, but I’m not telling anybody which Lindsay…

1.  Wolfman Ripped Off Twilight.

Do you know who Kayla Patterson is?  You shouldn’t.  She wrote this:

To whom this may concern:

This movie was a complete waste and I feel that it offends ALL Twilight Fans around the world, that including myself. For one, it was a COMPLETE remaking of the Wolf Pack from the Twilight Saga: New Moon. It gives the werewolves a bad name and makes them look like some deformed mutation of a rabid dog. I actually started to like werewolves after seeing Jacob Black and all his awesomeness on the big screen at the movies. That was until I saw your crappy remake of what you call to be a “were wolf”. I don’t see how you live with yourself for making it the way you did. If I made this movie, I would be ashamed to even admit that I owned it. How can a werewolf be killed with a silver bullet? Better yet, have you saw the transformation of the man that is “supposed” to be the wolf? He sits in some chair and his entire body turns in to some mutated freak. If you would watch the transformation of Jacob Black, (Taylor Lautner) he doesn’t come close to looking as fake, cheap and or mutated as the wolf man.  You tell me, who looks to be the better werewolf. Your stupid Wolf Movie didn’t even make the top Movie for the charts; Valentines Day WITH TAYLOR Lautner! Get that this is MY oppinion and I felt I wanted to express it because I saw that your email was on your site. I wanted to let you know this is what i thought of the wolf man that sucks.
FREAKIN LAUTNER DID!

Ms. Patterson, this is a werewolf:

This isn’t even a wolf, much less a werewolf (I think it’s a dog):

And you are my #1 moron.

Grats.

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

Back to Semantink

I realize that I work as a blogger for a start-up publishing house and that would insinuate that I am relatively in touch with at least the basic recognition of pop-culture, right?  Wrong.  I spend a lot of time looking into comics, TV and movies, I even dabble in music every once in a while, and on a real good day I skip rocks across literature.  But I have apparently gotten older much faster than I thought…  Recently a chain of events has unfolded and deflowered mine eyes to the monstrosity that is “hip” today.

It all started with a link on one of the greatest news sites I have ever been privy to: Digg.  Digg is a collection of all things worthy run by the people who visit it, like wikipedia for net-trolls.  A member of Digg (username: RobertWright) posted a link to a video with Christopher Walken.  I f*cking love Christopher Walken!  So, I clicked on the link, and this is the brilliance that unfolded before me:

What may strike some of you as odd is that up to the moment I saw this I had no idea who Lady Gaga was.  I may have heard her name every once and a while, but if I did I don’t remember.  I certainly never heard her music before.  I looked her up and saw the actual video for the song Mr. Walken was reciting, which you can find here (is it just me or did she really try for Tarsem with this?).  I made a decision that I wouldn’t piss on one of her records if the devil was farting fire on it (Walken did it better), but the whole scenario led me to think: what else have I missed in the last few days?  Months?  Years?

Well, apparently Chris Brown beat the hell out of Rihanna!  What?!  Who the sh*t is Chris Brown?  What’s a Rihanna?!  Well, this is a Chris Brown (He is the one being attacked by the hippo in the white pants and yelled at by the blond clown):

Surely his knees hurt.

And this is a Rihanna:

Happy emo hair cuts?

And this is what happens when Chris Brown find a Rihanna:

TMZ — go away.

I was also sad to see entertained thoroughly when I saw that Lindsay Lohan developed Vitiligo, a skin disease that cause once hot (though admittedly annoying and self-absorbed) girls to turn into that evil b*tch from the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

Someone dipped Ms. Lohan in an ugly bath and didn’t dry her off.

Apparently there are a few shows making headlines these days:  The Hills, 90210, Melrose Place, Gossip Girl and a plethora of “Rich Old Housewives [who look haggard without makeup] of [insert city here].”  I’ve done a bit of digging and from what I can tell, these are all the same damned show.  Women sleep with lots of people thinking they are “breaking stereotypes” but only succeed in making themselves look like spoiled, whorish, twats, while the men involved behave more like Yorkshire terriers than men, barking loud pitched screams while the women watch them pretending to care and throwing them treats when they sit or play dead.  Here’s the formula:  Hot people f*cking each other, literally and figuratively.  Done.  That’s it.  The only thing worse than the bad acting and reused plotlines are the annoying, cheese-brained fans who think that something important is going on.  No.  Your “fav” show sucks.  Don’t breed.

After I got all depressed with the celebrity beatings, cute-to-fugly transitions, and terrible yet successful television programming, I went over to Mtv to see what video was currently being prostituted out to number one — Mtv seems to know what’s cool amongst the scenes today, right?

F*ck you.  F*ck every sinlge one of you bastards for doing this to the media.  I hate all of you tight-pant wearing little sh*t heads with your crappy whine-tastic bands and your “A girl loved me, but she doesn’t now” songs.  It’s not original.  It’s just redone.  I’m pretty sure Boysandgirls, or whatever the hell their name is, just ripped off Jimmy Eat World and the Killers in one try.  You sound over-produced, under talented and if you receive one penny for any of this tripe, it’s too much.

All in all I am reminded why I don’t play in pop culture these days.  Not that it was ever “cool” persay, but then again, what is?  I mean one man’s trash is another man’s Dog the Bounty Hunter, you know?  Just think: Michael Jackson was all but abandoned in the last years of his life, considered a child molester or old-timer by many, and now there are more bastards running around claiming to have “always loved him” so they can get a piece of the trendy-time pie.  It makes me sick really.  It’s so sad to see this beast we’ve created called “success” chew people up, spit them out, and then use them as utensils to pick up and eat more people.

You can have it.  All of it.  Take the Twilights, Mtvs, VH1s, American Idols, Dance Shows, Masturbatory Award Ceremonies, unfunny sh*t-coms and all the models turned actors who should have realized by now they were better when they kept still and quiet.

Pop culture isn’t going anywhere, I realize that.  All I’m asking for is a little discernment from the fans before the jump wholeheartedly behind something, whether that something is a bad band, terrible TV show or celebrity gossip…  Let’s just not lose site of what’s important with the world, okay? We don’t need to know about every celebrity beating or who is banging what or how this person look here, or why he’s banging her and she’s banging him…

Oh what’s the point.  This is like trying help a 90-year old virgin pop his cherry before the emphysema takes him, if you haven’t gotten it by now, you probably never will.

Go on then.  Get dumber.

I may not be smart, but I’m not chasing stupid.

Mr. Wolff