That’s right bitches — daddy’s back.

A few things have developed in the wide world of comics that I feel have fallen through the cracks like sweat beads on a fat woman — I’m here to divulge an opinion on such topics.

I hope you sweaty slobs had a good time at San Diego Comic Con last weekend.  It seems that Benjamin found himself staring into the diamond mines of a certain White Queen and for that reason alone, I wish I was there.  Save the gloriously revealed breasts and asses that abound in perfect curvature and a few little nuggets of news I have to admit that I’m not too jealous of missing out.  SDCC is, like an old man on blue pills, getting too damned big.

Guaranteed to make you hard as a diamond.

You may have heard that Mark Ruffalo and Joss Whedon have jumped onboard the Avengers movie as Bruce Banner and Director respectively.  I’ve gotten a few emails asking me my thoughts on this announcement and here it is: F*ck yes.  Something about Norton has never vibed with me — I think it’s his voice, he sounds like one of those guys who enjoys being right a bit too much.  Ruffalo on the other hand has always been a pleasure to watch on screen but still hasn’t quite cracked into the “A-list” status — hopefully this does it for him.  As far as Whedon is concerned: If you have any doubts about him as an artist you either (a) haven’t seen his writing/directing or (b) where a helmet with a tendency to drool on yourself.

Anything with this is good.

Dexter is coming back for season five — surprise?  Not really.  Season 4 ended with a bang bigger than Rosie O’Donnel’s prom night and buzz has abounded ever since.  If you haven’t already caught up with seasons 1–4 in preparation for this magnificence, sham on you.  I hope your genitals fall out and you cower in shame for your television-transgression for the rest of your days.  Hopefully [SPOILER] we see Ms. (fun-to-watch-her) Benz a bit despite her demise because Dexter’s sister can’t hold the show’s “hot” on her 45 pound shoulders…

Whoever took this off the show should be Dexter’s next victim.

In Bat-related news: a day or so before SDCC it was announced that the Riddler IS in fact the new villain for Nolan’s upcoming trilogy capper.  Several people have thrown Joseph Gordan-Levitt’s name out as a potential candidate and whilst I think he could pull it off, I’m still rooting for Mr. Jonathan Rhys Meyers to don the enigmatic role.  Even more interesting is this interview with Aaron Eckhart at SDCC where he says he WOULD come back as Two-Face if Nolan asked him to.  Another interesting tidbit is this interview where ex-Nolanite Robin Williams declared that he would work with Nolan in anything at all — Ventriloquist anyone?  No matter who plays what I think we can all rest assured that Batman’s third date with Nolan will be the sweet, sweet love-fest we’ve been waiting for (knock on wood), right?

Before I go, I’d like to mention a not-so-clever poke at Comic Con fans by none other than the proof that accidents happen, the incredibly unfunny, Carlos Mencia George Lopez.  I’ve had a few people ask me to defend our geekdom.  While it’s no secret that I have my own problems with cosplay gone wrong, something about Mr. Lopez’s Comic-Con Captions segment irked me.  Most of the jokes were particularly unclever and revolved around the typical comic books nerd’s virginity — maybe that’s what bothered me: the lack of actual, clever humor.  I’ve never seen Lopez Tonight.  To be honest, when I heard about it I thought it was a joke (it’s on TBS, right?).  I’m not sure if the Comic-Con thing was a fluke or something — maybe he’s funny most of the time.  But after looking him up and realizing that he was in Marmaduke, The Spy Next Door, Beverly Hills Chihuhua and the upcoming Smurfs, I actually felt bad for the guy.  Don’t waste your time with anger nerds.  We may have given George Lopez a failed opportunity at humor one night, but he’s been giving us humorous moments of failure for his entire career.

Mr. Wolff

PS: Go buy MYTHOI you silly twat.  Here.  Or here.

Hey Folks,

Ben here to let you all know that Mr. Wolff will be taking a rant break for the foreseeable future. I’m sure that you are all wondering why we must go rantless on Thursdays, so please allow me to fill you in on the dark events that transpired to bring us sadder hump days. You see, Mr. Wolff is well known for having a collection of the finest looking ladies at his beck and call, and there are some who take great umbrage at our blogger’s menagerie of beauty. It was for this reason that Mr. Wolff’s harem was shanghaied by a cadre of Sasquatches. Upon finding his home disheveled and covered in man-beast hair that was not his own, Mr. Wolff went into a rage, punted the nearest midget a full city block and vowed vengeance against the yeti-kin that would deprive him of nook nook. And so, Mr. Wolff has embarked upon a journey to of ho retrieval and monster whumpery.

No one is sadder about the loss of Mr. Wolff than I. Without him my week will far be less angry, and there will be way fewer pictures of scantily clad celebrities on my computer.Throughout his brief time with us here at Semantink, Wolff has taught me so much, most of which I can’t really talk about in mixed company. If you are a newcomer to the site, or have never gotten a chance to read the writings of Mr. Wolff, I encourage you to take some time and go back and read his excellent work in our blog archive. I also thought that today we could go back and remember some of Mr. Wolff’s finest rants…

Cosplay: In Mr. Wolff’s first full length rant, he touched on the potential for greatness from hot she-cosplayers. He also showed the ugly (and fat) side of cosplay, and showed us all that not everyone was meant to participate in such events. How could we forget this?

Mr. Wolff later found this man and beat him with his own wig.

My favorite line from this rant has to be:

“…my heart is racing and I feel an urgency at the tips of my fingers as if somewhere, an overweight, under-sunned,  gap-toothed, overly-hairy, cankled beast dressed as Super Girl has just killed a child by merely making itself visible.  Damn you poorly-costumed villain.  Damn you to Cosplay Hell…”

Heroes: Mr. Wolff would often focus his rants on the entertainment industry. Movies, books, TV, all were fields he felt (and rightly so) qualified to rant on. In a television-centric blog, Mr. Wolff learned us all on what shows we should be watching, and in the case of Heroes, what shows we should be skipping.

The look in her eyes says “I don’t want to be here”.

I doubt anyone could explain what’s wrong with Heroes as eloquently as this:

“Heroes is like a beautiful woman with a tight premise, supple characters and a nice, round potential — but the crazy b*tch keeps puking on herself!  All she does all day is stick her finger in her butt, smell is and wipe her face leaving a streak across her brow.  Then she throws up on her chest, rubs it all over her body and blows snot out her nose while laughing, snorting and growling uncontrollably.  The potential is there, but she keeps f*cking herself up!!  Somebody please put this b*tch out of her misery.”

Well put Mr. Wolff, well put.

World of Warcraft: In one of his most controversial blogs, Mr. Wolff took on MMORPGers everywhere by ranting against the popular World Of Warcraft. There was a great ammount of vitriol from fans about this post, but in the end, Mr. Wolff made his point. WoW is stupid. Don’t play it, and you won’t be stupid. Continue your basement dwelling ways and risk turning out like this:

Sadly, this paladin will never succeed in his quest to lose his virginity.

I think Mr. Wolff summed it up best:

“…let me just say that I do not condemn WoW, or WoW players.  I don’t think you’re all stupid, useless bags of flesh, rotting in a pile of your own feces — but most of you are.  Grow up, move out of your mother’s basement, get a real job and try finding a member of the opposite (or same if that floats your boat) sex and try, just try, to discover what people did before Warcraft.  Or just trick yourself into thinking your character has some tangible meaning in life and die — I don’t really care.”

It’s like the man drinks thrice distilled wisdom, and then is kind enough to spit it at us.

Sports Illustrated (swimsuit edition): Despite all of his macho talk, Mr Wolff showed that he had a soft side, and a deep respect for women, in this touching piece. He made sure to include the faces of every model he referenced, and even found out their names. Mr. Wolff has been called misogynistic before, but in this blog, he showed the world how much he cared about the opposite sex. Would a misogynist show this?

Thanks Mr. Wolff.

Mr. Wolff even offered us all this generous warning:

“Whatever you do, do NOT go to Sports Illustrated where you would be forced to see a lot more of these “beautiful” models in very little clothing at no cost to you.  And if for some ungodly reason you do go to the site, don’t look at the site alone, like I am or you may be tempted to think impure thoughts and take of your pants. In the dark.  Like me.  Right now…”

God Bless you, Mr. Wolff.

Thank you all for joining me on this bittersweet day of reminiscing. I’m sure that you all are wondering what will be filling in our blog on Thursday moving forward. I will be toting my Comicopea blog over to Thursdays. On Sundays, we will be featuring the works of some of our Semantink writers. I already have some work from MYTHOI writer James Ninness. And one day, if and when he is needed, Mr. Wolff could come back for a guest appearance or two, but not any time soon, Those Sasquatches are some elusive bitches.

So there I am, having just usurped control of the Fates’ Tower in God of War II, when I see my friends porn collection just dripping out of his closet.  I meandered over, opened the closet door the rest of the way and began looking through what had to be 200 different titles, from Girlvana 2 to Pussy Foot’n 5.  When he came back into the room I said, “Dr. Cellus, what the hell is all this?”

Sheepishly, the good Doctor confided that his porn collection had nowhere else to hide given his current living situation.  I was amazed.  It would appear that this movie connoisseur had, on more than one occasion, been caught with his jerk collection by ladies who found it beneath them and disgusting.  These ladies, upon seeing titles like Helpless Heroines in Double Jeopardy, promptly stormed out, leaving Cellus and the videos the play man-craps one more time.

I have been thinking about that moment a lot lately and I figured more of you may have this problem.  You want a movie for you-time, but not something you have to be embarrassed about — hell, something you can watch alone (for about three minutes) and with the ladies!

Fear not.  I am here.

Below you will find a list of four great films.  That’s it.  Four genuinely good(ish) films that can be watched by your eyes and balls only, with a woman you would like to see naked (emotionally of course), or just seen in your collection without any sort of odd refrain.  I’m not talking about movies made as an excuse to show boobs — no cheap horror movies or low budget skin here!  Women can spot unnecessary nakedness from a cover alone.  Feel free to put these out in the open for all to see, not only won’t you be ashamed, but some may think you’re a smarter person for owning them!

Femme Fatale (2002)

Brian De Palma.  Yeah, the guy who did Carlito’s Way, Scarface and Mission Impossible!  You see?  Your a film enthusiast!

The film revolves around a woman, played by Rebecca Romijn Stamos, trying to escape her past as a thief.  Antonio Banderas plays a photographer caught up in more than he can handle.  RottenTomatoes.com currently has the film at a 48%.  Why?  The film gets slow in some parts and is overall melodramatic and just plain silly, but I have an answer to that, several in fact, you ready? Here they are: 0:08:00, 0:10:00, 1:47:00, 1:36:00, and 1:26:00.  Another great thing about films in the not really great but kinda, sorta enjoyable category  is that you can almost always find them in the $2.00 bin at your locally closing Blockbuster.  Go get it!

Gia 1998

You had to know this was coming.

If you haven’t seen this movie, go BUY it right the f*ck now.  I’m serious.  Stop reading.  Go.

I assume that those of you reading this have seen Gia now and we can all be on the same page.  Everybody knows that Angelina Jolie blew way up for her role in Gia, but some people forget that her lesbian cohort is none other than Elizabeth Mitchell, that’s right, LOST’s Juliet.  When I recommend you all buy this film it must be understood that it has nothing to do with the 92% on RottenTomatoes.com, or 0:24:00, or 0:25:00, 0:26:00, or 0:27:00.  No.  I want you to buy this movie because it makes you a better person.  Really.

No.  Not really.

Secretary (2002)

Maggie Gyllenhaal has made quite a name for herself lately.  After topping that bitch from Dawson’s Creek as Rachel Dawes in the last Batman film, Gyllenhaal has proven that not only is she beautiful, but incredibly talented as well.  If you saw Secretary you know what I’m talking about. Funny thing about this one: a girl actually introduced me to this film a while back and couldn’t believe that I hadn’t seen it — it was one of her “faves.”  I owe that girl something because she was right.  Currently holding at 74% on RottenTomatoes.com, Secretary is a legitamtely good film with plenty of laughs and sighs (the sighs are particularly rewarding at 0:20:00, 0:53:00, 1:15:00, 1:41:00 and 1:43:00).

Check it out and watch it with a girl, unless you are a girl, then come over to my house with another girl and we’ll watch it together…

Y Tu Mama Tambien (2001)

Do you know who Alfonso Cuaron is?  Well, he’s a done a few little films like Children of Men, Great Expectations and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban — ya know, little shit.

Well, a few years ago Mr. Cuaran made a gem of a thing called Y Tu Mama Tambien; in all seriousness, this really is a great film.  It follows two boys and the girl (Ana Lopez Mercado) of their dreams on a road trip through Mexico.  I laughed, I cried and I got a huge boner hug from the girl who’s shoulder I was crying on… yup.

RottenTomatoes.com says: 91%.

I say: 0:01:00, 0:05:00, 0:55:00, 1:03:00, 1:12:00 and 1:34:00.

There are plenty of other “good” films out there that no man should feel shame for owning, but I think I’ll save those for another day.

If you have any suggestions, feel free to add them below.

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

If you like comic books but haven’t seen Unbreakable, go see it now.  After that, you can pretty much avoid everything that is, was or could have been touched by M Night Shyamalan.  Some of you may disagree with me on this, and that’s okay, because some of you are f*cking idiots.  Let’s take a look at Mr. Shyamalan’s track record thus far, yes?  I’m going to stick to those films that were directed by M, but we’ll begin at his third piece, The Sixth Sense — Praying with Anger and Wide Awake just aren’t worth mentioning.  Be warned, the spoilers cometh…

The Sixth Sense (1999)

Bruce Willis can do no wrong, that’s just science.  In 1998 the man, the myth, the legend starred in Armageddon, saving our planet from a gigantic asteroid with the help of Michael Bay.  Then, in 2000, he played a role in Matthew Perry’s only non-Friends funny-comedy, The Whole Nine Yards (though the “funny” part is debateable).  But in between those two movies, Mr. Willis participated in a succesful hiccup of a film called The Sixth Sense.

Willis plays a dead detective helping a young kid deal with the fact that he can see dead people.  The film owes much of its success to the “twist” ending: Willis was dead the whole time!  Damn!  And after you knew that little piece, the movie sucked fat ass, but not in a good way.  Re-watching this film is like having sex with the same prostitute two times: less exciting and just plain silly, since you could spend your money on something different again and again.  The moody piece was a one trick pony, though it was a steed Mr. Shyamalan would ride for years to come…

Unbreakable (2000)

This will forever be, in my opinion, Night’s masterpiece.  In Unbreakable, Shyamalan sticks with Willis for yet another romp, only this time he adds the Nick Fury to the mix — Mr. Samuel “F*cking” Jackson.  Willis and Jackson had played off each other with amicable flair five years earlier in Die hard with a Vengeance, so the hype train rolled on not only The Sixth Sense tracks, but with fumes of buddy-anticipation as well.  Neither actor failed to deliver.

Willis plays a man who cannot be physically hurt — at all, while Jackson portrays an art dealer who is practically made of glass.  After Willis is the only one to survive a train wreck, Jackson’s character seeks him out and tries to convince him that he is a real, living, breathing hero — like the ones in comic books.  Willis is reluctant to believe in “powers” but the greater truth is that he’s afraid to believe in himself — a story Shyamalan unravels with a particular grace.  In the end, we learn that Jackson’s character was right, but more than that, he’s positioned himself to play the villain, revealing that is was he who caused the train wreck in the first place, as well as countless other catastrophes to find his “hero.”

Unbreakable is a dark journey of self-discovery written and directed by someone who not only pays homage to comics, but the mythos they represent.  It’s truly and utterly brilliant.

And that’s when M Night Shyamalan should’ve stopped making movies…

Signs (2002)

Mel Gibson joined Shyamalan in this romp about a preacher who deals with aliens taking over the world.  The aliens are afraid of water and the preacher lost his wife to a drunk driver.  Flashbacks continually reveal bit by bit of his wife’s demise while the world is invaded by aliens THAT WE NEVER ACTUALLY GET TO SEE UNTIL THE END.

Signs is a test in patience — do you care enough about the story, the characters, or the plot, to sit in your seat for an hour and a half waiting for the aliens to show up?  Ultimately, most people said no.

What would’ve made this better?  More aliens.  More destruction.  Less egotistical film making.

The Village (2004)

After Signs’ anti-climactic ending started to assuage the sizzle on Shyamalan’s career, M decided to try the whole scary/twist thing again with, The Village.  The general plot revolves around a small village, apparently set in the colonial days of America, who are tormented and devoured by a beast in the woods.  The elders of the village have a secret and Brody plays a retard.  The big twist?  It’s set in now.  A blind villager makes it out of the village, over a wall where security meets her and escorts her away in a golf cart.

Yeah.  Seriously.

It was at this point in Shyamalan’s career the effects of Hollywood became evident.  His biggest successes and the phrase synonymous with his name were twist-endings.  Signs didn’t have that and apparently Shyamalan was incapable or writing anything sans gimmick.  The film played weak and desperate.  Bleh.

Lady in the Water (2006)

Let’s keep this breif: Shyamalan wrote/directed this flaming piece of shit, which was rejected by Disney, picked up by Warner Brothers and panned by critics upon it’s release.  The Story is about a girl named Story, saving Shyamalan (acting) who is going to write a book that will inspire folk.  Giamatti plays a guy who gets sucked into saving Story (but not the actual story) from a lupine beast that looks like grass.

Less thinking Mr. Shyamlan; you’re either the smartest man in the world or, at this point, the most convoluted egomaniac since Hitler — but with more film and less hatred.

The Happening (2008)

You know what kinds of films were cool to make in the aughts?  Green ones.  Save the planet!  Humans are wicked!  Have sex with goats!  Well, Shyamalan wasn’t immune from the green-hype and made this god-awful mess about trees fighting back.  Unfrotunately John Leguizamo was sucked in as well.  Though as the actors go, I will say this: Getting Wahlberg to play the lead in a story where the antagonist doesn’t move is, in a queer way, appropriate.

The plants get mad at humans and release chemicals that make us kill ourselves.  Until the end, when they’ve thinned us out enough to stop releasing said toxin.  The film’s reception was similar to the plot: audience members wanted to kill themselves and eventually, the ticket sales thinned enough for the film to stop playing.  It really was that bad.

The Last Airbender (2010)

Enter The Last Airbender.  I know fans of the original are excited.  Fine.  Be excited, but be wary.  I don’t know if it will be good or bad the same way I wonder if my shits will stink — up to now they all have, but maybe this one will be different…

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

Okay, so here’s the deal: I’m a bit pissy at the moment because Benjamin, Ash, Sgt. Angle, Street Fece and James Ninness have all just taken off towards San Francisco in the hopes of some debauchery at WonderCon.  I’m here.  At home.  Wankers.  If you haven’t yet, check out what Semantink is doing for WonderCon Attendees here.

Today we’re gonna look at a few movie adaptations due out this year(ish), five in fact.  The best five.  These five trailers may possibly help to bring many of you fat, lazy bastards back into (this is for you Akatzen) libraries and book stores where you’ll be forced to sit… and read… lazilly. Doing nothing physical at all.  I’ve lost the ability to make a good point.  F*ck me.

Here they are, in order.

5.  The Losers

Any movie that puts The Comedian, Captain America and Neytiri on the same team and has them blowing shit up has to be good.  Throw in the fact that it is based on a book by Andy Diggle and I’m almost guaranteed a good time.

4.  Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

I’m not the biggest Cera fan, but (as Sgt. lucky bastard who’s new and still gets to go to conventions before me ’cause his nose is so far up Ben’s ass when he sneezes Ben gets diarrhea Angle pointed out) Edgar Wright is the man.  If anybody can make me like Michael I-Whine-And-That’s-All Cera, it’s Wright.

3.  Kick Ass

Hit Girl is a ten year old girl who says “cunt” more than the entire cast of Deadwood.  Nic Cage isn’t the hero.  At some point, the kid from Hot Tub Time Machine is in it.  And the best part of all?  Kick Ass was made before the studios got their greasy hands all over it.  Midnight showing for sure.

2.  Iron Man 2

Did you see the first Iron Man?  Yeah, that’s what I thought.  For those of you bitches whining over Whiplash: be patient and have faith.

1.  Twilight: Eclipse

Yes.  It’s true.  This is my number one trailer pick.

April Fools you silly bitches!  How dare you even think that was for real!  I’d sooner eat a bag of two day old dicks than watch any of the Twilight shit piles!

For shame…

Since I promised you five GOOD trailers, here’s a bonus and a film that I can’s wait to see.  It’s not an adaptation, but watch the trailer and tell me you give a shit.

Honorable Mention: The Expendables

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

Happy April, fools.

Back to Semantink

1996 was a generally fantastic year for me.  I won a staring competition against a yeti, I bedded three (surprising agile) blond midgets and made them call me “Mad Martigroin,” which they loved, and I skinned the Loch Ness Monster with my teeth.  It was almost a perfect year.  But something happened in 1996 that would grow to become a splinter in the mind of my eternal joy: Scream.  This guy, Kevin Williamson, wrote a script called Scary Movie (later changed to Scream), that was picked up and directed by the master of horror himself, Wes Craven.  Scream itself wasn’t a big problem, but the sequels that followed, well, they twist my balls something uncomfortable, but not in a good way.  I thought the pain was over in 2000, after Scream 3 flopped it’s way to the general public, so if you can, try to imagine my agony when I read that Scream 4 is making a “cinematic” appearance on April 15, 2011, with all the key players involved.

The first Scream movie didn’t bother me… too much.  I thought the gimmicky analysis of horror movies running simultaneous to a film in which plot devices are explained and then flipped, directed by a man whose career was made on said devices, was fun and, at the time, original.  Having said that, it wasn’t great.  It was fun, but not great.  The cast was solid(ish).  I had no grand problems with Ms. Campbell, or Jamie Kennedy, but in my not-so-humble opinion the film owed it’s success to the performances of the villains: Skeet Ulrich and Matthew Lillard, the latter of which, stole every scene he was in.  Well, almost.  The only greater scene-stealing was done by Rose McGowan’s enormous breasts that have sugar coated the dreams of many men ever since.

Scream made $103,046,663 domestically.

Even the quasi-message, that the media has not only a direct role in the mixed messages it sends to youth, but a responsibility to the youth as well, was fine.  Or maybe the message was that mom’s of crazy kids who look like Gavin Rossdale shouldn’t whore about with married men.  Or maybe that married men shouldn’t whore about with the mothers of crazy Gavin Rossdale look-a-likes.  Well, whatever it was, I know it had to do with Gavin Rossdale, but I digress…  The movie was a fun, one-trick-pony that made a ton of money.  Like most films that fall into that category, the studio wanted more and began kicking the shit out of the proverbial dead horse.

Enter Scream 2.  This steamy piece of shit came out but one year after the first (1997, in case you don’t do math) and followed our heroine, Sidney Presscott, as she dealt with the trauma of the first films events while trying to balance school and a new relationship with the cockroach lover from Joe’s Apartment.  Well, as you can imagine, shit gets a bit wacky and once again, the rules of horror are spewed to the audience, but here’s the thing (sarcasm incoming), it’s the rules of surviving a sequel!  Great, huh (end sarcasm)? Somehow these characters figured out that they do exist in a series of films and helped us, the audience, understand what to expect only so they could twist shit on us.  I have to give them credit though, at least they recognized it was a series and not a single, Lord of the Rings–sized, epic.  Kudos for knowing your role.  Predictably things don’t go well for Sidney and the film dissolves into a mediocre whodunnit with an amazing lack of care.  To be fair, it’s rumored that the end of the script was leaked and Craven changed the ending in an effort to be surprising.  So what did we get?  The aunt from Roseanna was the killer.  Really?  Lame.  She was the mother/whore of the first film’s villain and had apparently been knocked off her rocker by her son’s death, deciding to kill Sydney and going undercover as a reporter.  Why didn’t Sidney know who she was?  Where was she during the events of the first film?  How did she even get a role in a major motion picture?  These are questions answered arbitrarily and with great abandon because ultimately, they don’t matter.  This wasn’t a film, it was a quick buck for Dimension Films, but in case you missed the message: The media is desensitizing the youth and we’re all in for some real shit!  And something about Gavin Rossdale’s mom…

Scream 2 made $101,363,301 domestically, so guess what?  3 was coming…

In Scream 3, Sidney Presscott lives in seclusion, but is forced to rejoin Rachel from Friends and her retarded, gimpy boyfriend, when the man who was acquitted of Sidney’s mother’s murder is killed and the cast Stab, the movies made after the events of Sidney’s — you know what?  No.  Some shit happens and the “Ghostface” killer returns.  Done. That’s all you need to know.  Sidney’s half-brother did it.  When did she get a half-brother?  I dunno.  I don’t think anybody really does.  But at some point his mother fooled around with Sidney’s dad and thus ended her dreams of stardom.  But not to worry mom, your son, whom you disavowed, is a big time producer/director with everything he could ever want.  Problem though: he’s a douche and apparently he started this whole mess with Rossdale in Scream, Roseanne-aunt in Scream 2 and now he thought he’d give it a stab (see what I did there?).  Same message as before: Gavin Rossdale will kill you if you mess with his mom in the media!  Booyah!

What a fuckin’ mess.  Scream 3 made $89,138,076 domestically, which wasn’t terrible, but the film cost half that to make, as opposed to the first (15 mil) and the second (20 mil).  So it seemed, until now, that we were done with the Scream series.  I mean, how many other relatives could Gavin have, right?

Now, however, it seems as though the Scream franchise has decided to rise from the grave of mediocrity once more in attempt to cash in on the recent resurgence of remakes, reboots and series rehashings.  Apparently the series will have Cox, Campbell and Arquette leading a younger group through the various plot entanglements and gimmicky climax-devices, which makes sense since Cox is old enough to be a grandma and Campbell isn’t even acting anymore (is she?).  I think the hope is that a younger group can reboot the franchise.  Swell.  Maybe, if we’re real lucky, the three Scream alums will pull a Barrymore and get offed in the opening credits!  Then it’ll be like everything they did in the first 2.5 movies was for not!  I know that would be depressing as far as the story is concerned, but who cares about story when there’s money to be made, right?

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

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Greetings all!

This past week, several of my fellow Semantink bloggers touched on upcoming comic-to-film translations that they found interesting. Sgt. Angle looked at the upcoming Green Lantern film while Mr. Wolff gave his take on Captain America. I thought that I would follow suit by looking at the comic book to film adaptation that has me the most excited: The Mighty Thor! While Mr. Wolff might say that being more excited about Thor than Captain America makes me “a moron”, I would just like to point out that Thor will feature the warriors three, A group of three (duh) Asgardian warriors who can outdrink, outwench, and out fight anyone. For that reason alone, The Mighty Thor should be a movie that has people excited.

The Warriors Three are always looking for a party to crash.

With any comic book-to-film translation, my first question is always “what will the story be?” Why? Well, tell me that a Spider-man movie is being made, and I’ll get excited, tell me that a Spider-man movie is getting made focusing on “The Clone Saga” and I’ll say “up yours” and never watch the thing. So with 50 years of continuity and the whole of Norse mythology to draw upon, what will The Mighty Thor be about? Marvel has given their synopsis which is about as clear as soup:

Marvel Studios expands its film universe with a new type of superhero: THOR. This epic adventure spans the Marvel Universe; from present day Earth to the realm of Asgard. At the center of the story is The Mighty Thor, a powerful but arrogant warrior whose reckless actions reignite an ancient war. Thor is cast down to Earth and forced to live among humans as punishment. Once here, Thor learns what it takes to be a true hero when the most dangerous villain of his world sends the darkest forces of Asgard to invade Earth. Kenneth Branagh directs this fantasy epic which stars Australian actor Chris Hemsworth as the ancient Norse god, Tom Hiddleston as his evil brother Loki, Natalie Portman as Jane Foster, a young woman who befriends Thor on Earth, and Anthony Hopkins as Odin, Thor’s father and king of Asgard. Expect to see agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., previously seen in ”Iron Man,” to make an appearance, further forshadowing the coming of The Avengers!

Not much there to go on, but there are some important things that we can pull from this. First, we are going to get al film that is set on both Asgard and Earth, which is awesome. If you look at all the best Thor stories, from Lee to Simonson to Jurgens to JMS, all of them feature Thor not only kickin’ it up in Asgard, but also down on Earth. Second, the story will have Loki, which is a necessity. You can’t have an X-men movie without Magneto, and you can’t have a Thor movie without Loki, period. Third, there’s going to be a war, and every story is better if there is a war involved. War might be hell, but its usually fun to watch on the big screen. The only thing that I didn’t see here is any mention of Donald Blake, Thor’s tether to Earth.

Asgard-coming soon to a theater near you…

Not having Blake (or at least back ups Eric Masterson or Jake Olsen) involved as a Thor counterpart is troubling, but hopefully as more details emerge about the project, that character will be involved. This sounds like it follows pretty closely in the vein on the old Stan Lee/ Jack Kirby stories, wherein Thor started out as Kind of a douche. Just getting to see Thor interact with the whole of the Æsir is a pretty exciting proposition though, and of course that means appearances by The Warriors Three! Consider me in.

Next up, lets look at the production team for the film. Films usually succeed or fail based on the director’s vision, and no where is that more obvious than in comic book films. Look at Ang Lee’s Hulk, and you can see what happens if a director doesn’t have a connection to the material. Mark Steven Johnson used Daredevil to illustrate that you must not only love the source material, but actually have talent. Joel Schumaker, well, you get the idea. So, does Thor director Kenneth Branagh have the chops to make a great Thor film? I’m not entirely sure. Branagh is a well known name, but not because of his directorial prowess. In fact, while he has 13 movies to his credit, he hasn’t done anything close to the scale of Thor, the closest being his directorial debut, Henry V. Now, the Branagh movies that I have seen have been mostly good, I love Dead Again, and enjoyed Sleuth, and his Shakespeare movies are always excellent, but I worry about him being able to handle a big budget movie well. Still I will give it a chance, I wasn’t sure about Favreau on Iron Man and that turned out pretty well. One last note about Branagh, if he was going to play a part in this movie (which he tends to do in his films) he would be a dead ringer for ladies man extrodinaire, Fandral the Dashing, leader of The Warriors Three!

This is the man directing Thor.

Another important factor in a big movie like this is who will be handling special effects. Luckily, it seems that Thor is in good hands, with BUF Compagnie handling the bulk of the SFX work. In case you don’t know what BUF Compagnie is (and why would you, they are French) it is a great SFX company that disd some of the SFX work for films like The Dark Knight, Avatar, The Prestige, and a whole host of other movies. Thank goodness, because if theres gonna be a war in Asgard, there’s gonna need to be fire-demons and ice giants fighting Hogun the Grim , and I don’t want some dude down the street rendering them out on his basement computer.

You must have mad skills to make Surtur and his fiery diaper look tough.

The last part of the production puzzle is, of course, the producers This movie is being handled by Marvel Studios, which is fine by me. They did me right with Iron Man and the latest Hulk, so I can’t complain. I will say that Marvel just signed a deal to use the facilities of  Raleigh studios for their next four projects, but I have no idea how that will affect the quality of the films.

Another important part of the movie is always the casting. Jessica Alba is hot but she is not Sue Storm, and that’s all I could think of while watching Fantastic Four. On the flip side, Robert downey Junior IS Tony Stark, and Iron Man was great because of it. So who is going to be strutting around as Thor? Chris Hemsworth. Yeah, the guy who played Kirk’s dad in the new Star Trek. I’m not entirely sold on this one, but until someone starts letting me cast movies, I can’t do much besides hope.

Maybe he’ll look bigger in the cape…

The rest of the cast that Branagh has assembled is perfect. Anthony Hopkins as Odin? Perfect! Rene Russo as Frigga? Well done! Stellan Skarsgard, Tom Hiddleston and Kat Dennings? Yes, Yes, Yes. Oh, and Natalie Portman will be starring as well, so fanboys can start drooling in anticipation. I know that you are all concerned, so I’ll tell you, The Warriors Three have been cast as well, with none other than Ray Stevenson (Punisher: War Journal, Rome) playing Volstagg the voluminous. I feel really good about the cast, even with a mostly unknown playing the part of Thor.

You know he walks around the house saying “Who’s your All-father”…

A big factor in this movie is how it ties into the Marvel movie universe. Captain America, Iron Man and the Hulk all fit together pretty well, but how do you make a movie about angry blonde gods fit in with street level action? This is going to be a fine line that Thor is going to have to walk, especially if the Thunder god himself is going to be in The Avengers movie that Marvel has planned. If pulled off correctly, this could be a great launching pad for the Avengers, especially if you consider the fact that the avengers comic book was started when norse god Loki started s#!t and a bunch of marvel heroes had to team up to lay the smack down on him. If this movie doesn’t fit with the rest of the Marvel slate then an Avengers film would feel uneven, or just fail. Not too much pressure on Branagh right?

There are plenty of questions going into Thor, and all of them scare me. Will Branagh be able to handle a movie this big? Will a no-name actor be able to hold the spotlight against a very talented cast? Will the movie fit within the Marvel films universe? How much screen time will the Warriors Three get? Even with all these questions, this movie has got me pretty excited, but we still have to wait a year to see how it turns out. Luckily, Kick Ass comes out in a month or so to keep us all tided over. Thanks for stopping by folks. See you all next week!

Strap in.  This is a long one.

Hollywood is on a comic book movie roll.  The Spider-Man movies didn’t jump the shark until Parker got his emo-boogie on in 3.  The Batman franchise was reinvigorated when Nolan helmed Batman Begins and broke records with The Dark Knight.  X-Men 1 and 2 were both fantastic and Iron Man was a success, throwing Marvel’s hat into the ring again after a brief moment in suck after X-Men 3.  Ed Norton and Louis Leterrier gave us a kick-ass Hulk movie (finally) with the Abomination looking beautiful as well.  Over the last decade countless other films have been making the crossover from page to screen as well (some you may not recognize as graphic novels): American Splendor, Road to Perdition, 30 Days of Night, and Kick Ass to name a few.

But it hasn’t always been great…  For years the translation was murky, at best.  After Burton, Suckmaker blew his ass all over comic fans with Forever and & Robin, proving that he’d never actually read a comic in his life.  Singer’s Superman has mixed reviews, but at best it’s an “I’ll watch it if I’m bored” film.  And if you go back further you can find more examples of translation-de-shit: Ang Lee’s Hulk, Nick Cage in Ghost Rider, and who can forget Halle Berry’s Catwoman (a film unsurvivable, even by Halle’s twin pair of Monster Balls).

Making a comic film is still a gamble.  And while things seem to be getting better, fans everywhere still get nervous with each announcement that one of there favorite characters is getting the big screen treatment.  Thus my dilemma with Captain America: The First Avenger.

Touch it and it will grow. Yeah. Slowly now…

The seeds for this one were planted a couple years back when Marvel announced plans to make Iron Man, Thor, Hulk and Captain America before releasing an Avengers film — fans everywhere went gag.  Then Iron Man came out and we all wet our pants.  For the first time ever we realized that it was possilbe for the Avengers film to really, truly happen (and for that God Bless you Mr. Favreau).  But we got a bit more…  In one clip of the film, Tony Stark is in his lab and we get a glimpse at Cap’s shield itself.  Geeks rejoiced.  But the goodness still wasn’t over.  At the end of the film, for those patient enough to sit through credits, an even bigger surprise: Sam, Motha-Fuckin’ Jackson strolled in yappin Fury styles.  It was, without a doubt, one of the greatest moments in the history of the geek community’s relationship with Hollywood.  And for that moment, we will always be grateful.

Things got even more real when The Incredible Hulk came out.  Now this film didn’t see the same level of love that Iron Man did, which is a shame because it was perfect.  Much Like the latest Castle romp, Punisher: War Zone, the film stayed true to the comic book and wasn’t received well by the crowds (PS: I will fight any of you bitches that says differently about Punisher because you are wrong and stupid).  Despite it’s lackadaisical numbers, we got another moment of Marvel madness at the end of The Incredible Hulk when, Tony Stark shows up blabbering about the Avenger initiative after the credits! Shit got really real…  But in a DVD-only exclusive, we got to see a frozen Captain America in the ice!

So, where are we now?  Well Brannaugh’s shooting Thor and managed to pull in quite the cast (Portman, Hines, Hopkins, Russo, Skarsgaard and Jackson to name a few).  But to be honest, I’m kind of “whatever with that one.  It’s Thor.  He’s great, but he’s no Captain America.  Disagree?  That’s fine.  You’re a moron.  Besides, Brannaugh is a fantastic Director so I’m not much worried about that project.  Now, Captain America: The First Avenger, or, The First Avenger: Captain America, or whatever the hell they’re calling it starts shooting in June, and this one has me all twitterpated.  Here’s  a couple reasons why (and if you don’t know anything about Captain America, I suggest you get familiar at this, his Wikipedia page):

The Director.  Joe Johnston is in the hot seat, fresh off of the Wolfman.  Yeah.  That Wolfman.  Now Wolfman wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t mind-blowingly good either.  Perhaps we should look at Mr. Johnston complete body of work to get a better grasp on the situation.  So, in complete fairness, here are the last seven movies directed by Johnston (before Wolfman): Hidalgo, Jurassic Park III, October Sky, Jumanji, The Page Master, The Rocketeer, and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.  If you’re like me (and you probably aren’t) you’re thinking, wow, I really wish I had a picture of that girl from The Rocketeer staring into a mirror all nakey (see right).  Or, if you’re a more normal human being (which sucks for you), you may have noticed a theme in Johnston’s line of work.  Keyword: mediocrity.  None of his film are terrible, but none of them are edge-your-seat, smack-a-hooker, lick-a-midget awesome either.  It is with that in mind that I wonder, is this the man to bring Captain America to the big screen?

The next anxiety-inducing cluster involves all of the rumored actors to be filling Cap’s boots.  Aintitcool.com broke the news in February that there was a particular list of potentials for the role — all of them scared the hell out of me.  If they choose one of these kids, I hope I’m wrong and that they knock it out of the park, but for the record, I’m voting for nay on each of ‘em.  The list includes (Click for a pic): Chace Crawford (Gossip Girl), John Krasinski (The Office), Scott Porter (Friday Night Lights), Mike Vogel (Cloverfield), Michael Cassidy (Privelaged), Patrick Flueger (Brothers), and Garrett Hedlund (Tron Legacy).  As a reminder, this is what Cap it supposed to look like:

“Your ‘list’ can suck my Patriotic nuts.”

On Tuesday it broke that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel.  Yahoo is reporting that Channing Tatum may be up for the role.  Yes, the guy from Step Up.  So why do I see this as good news?  Well, for starters the guy is agile — he’s a fucking dancer!  In the agility department, the next best choice for Cap is Jason Statham!  Second, he looks the part.  Seriously.  And finally, he’s got some acting chops, not big ones, but they’re there!  I know I’m going to take some heat for this, but I think this is the man.  I’d say Chris Evans, but he blew his load on those flaming pieces of shit called Fantastic Four.  I know there are a ton of actors out there, but if we end up with Tatum, things could be a lot worse — just look at the list we mentioned!  Please don’t misunderstand me, I can think of a list of actors that are both better qualified and better suited to don Cap’s costume, but I’m being realistic — the studios won’t let that happen.  Does Tatum have issues?  Yes.  But if I have to choose between him and the guy from The Office, it’s not even a choice.

Now I don’t want to leave you all scared, so let me throw out this little tid-bit of gloriousness: The Red Skull casting is spot-the-fuck-on.  Agent Smith himself, Hugo Weaving.  I couldn’t be happier about this choice.  I know a few people that have said, “as long as he changes his voice he’ll be fine.”  Really?  I think this guy’s voice was made for this role.  Let him take it and run with it.  As a matter of fact, let Weaving play all the roles and direct the film — I’d be happier with that than the Johnston/Tatum team up I’m getting now…

I am very scared about this film.

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

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Greetings readers! If you have been checking out our site this week, you might have noticed that we have begun running our blogs in a slightly different manner. I know that change can be scary, so I just wanted to give you a run down of what you can be expecting from us here at Semantink every week:

Every Monday you will get to read the newest strip in our web-comic, THE UNDERGROUNDS. You can also find an archive of all posted UNDERGROUNDS strips at the-undergrounds.com.

Tuesdays still give you Sgt. Angle and his weekly Cinegasms column, dealing with all things movie.

On Wednesdays Akatzen regails you with his weekly Book Report delving into the world of books that don’t have pretty pictures.

Mr. Wolff still owns Thursday with his Hump Day Rant.

Friday sees new Semantink blogger Dr. Cellus delve into all things paranormal on his blog Cognitive Alchemy.

Saturday gives you Admiral Eo’s Soft Shoe Diaries, wherein the good Admiral looks into the world of theater.

Sunday, you will be stuck with me as I talk comics in my weekly Comicopea column.

Not a bad line up right? Well our new blog schedule is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of news here at Semantink. Over the next few months, our site will be getting a bit of a face lift courtesy of the fine gentlemen at SanBox Inc. All of the content that you love will still be here, but the whole place will be prettier and easier to navigate.

For our MYTHOI lovers, I have some great news, our latest issue of the MYTHOI Birth series, TAROS will be out this week. Here is the cover art to the upcoming issue to whet your appetite:

April is going to see the last issue of MYTHOI Births, TOUCH, hit the internet. As always, MYTHOI will be brought to by the electrifying team of James Ninness and Jed Soriano.

The MYTHOI Birth series coming to a close means two things, 1) MYTHOI proper will pick up again in June with issue #2, and 2)the MYTHOI Birth graphic novel will be available around the same time. All of our MYTHOI issues are available for digital download, but this graphic novel will be the only place you can find the whole Birth series collected in in one place. The GN will be chock full of original content as well, so make sure you pick up a copy when it comes out!

This fall we will be launching two new series, THE HEAVEN’S and SIM-I. THE HEAVEN’S will be written by James Ninness and illustrated by spectacular newcomer Turbo Qualls! THE HEAVEN’S is a steampunk power struggle set on the alien desert world of Terra. Joe Pezzula will be writing SIMI-I, the madcap tale of a super intelligent monkey trying to evade vaporization. I will have more information and pretty picture-tude on these soon.

Next month is also the start of convention season for us here at Semantink. We will be at WonderCon and Wizard World Anaheim in April, The Phoenix Comicon in May, the world famous San Diego Comic Con in July, and the Alternative Press Expo and Long Beach Comic con in October.

So, to make a long story short (too late), 2010 is an exciting year for us here at Semantink, and I just want to say thank you for being a part of it. Keep an eye out here for more details on our upcoming projects, and if you have any questions you can always drop me a line.

Benjamin Glibert

First of all, know this: pesticide makes Kermit a transvestite.  Moving on…

Next I want to apologize to those of you who missed our time together last week because of The Undergrounds.  I know it was difficult, but trust me, it was worth it.  Benji’s been working with five writers and an artist to put that little web comic together and, well, writers and artists are about the most difficult people in the world to work with, so give the man some slack.  The comic itself is pretty damned funny, especially if you’ve ever spent time in customer service…

Now, to the topic at hand: The Academy Awards.  This Sunday Hollywood is going to blow some smoke up their asses, let it mingle for a while and then burp in our faces with the biggest sham ever, the Oscars.  A group of rich people swooning over one another, ranting about how great they are and how important their work is to the world… Please.  Anyways, these fascists elitists fleshy bags of hot air will, at the very least, entertain us; I’m sure someone will have a nipple slip, somebody will rant about the environment when they win, someone will end up saying something crazy like “midget-mayonnaise” for no reason, and hopefully, if we’re really lucky, somebody with some talent, not connection, will win an award they deserve.  But doubtful.

So, in lieu of the good Sgt. Angle’s picks, I’m here to give you my wishes-that-weren’t, not predictions, for this years Academy Awards in the following categories: Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Cinematography, Best Director and Best Picture.  Shall we?

Best Actor:  Cung Le

I speak a language called FukYooUp!

Last year a little sci-fi gem called Pandorum came out and it was, without a doubt, one of the most fun films in the genre I had seen in a very, very long time.  Not only did the movie have some solid work in the writing, directing and production department, but it managed to surprise me at the end, something films rarely do effectively these days.  One of the actors, real life fighter Cung Le, portrayed Manh, a badass mofo with a huge spear and a foreign language.  Cung Le spent the whole movie flipping, slashing and fighting, something that keeps me interested and holds my attention (I know, weird, right?).  Pandorum itself was fantastic and if you haven’t seen it, you’re doing yourself a disservice.  Cung Le wins because he could fuck any of the Academy’s nominations up, without special effects.

Best Actress:  Sasha Grey

I’d take her serious…

I don’t need to introduce this beauty, but I will anyways.  Sasha Grey has been in some of the more timeless pieces of the last few years, including: Teenage Peach Fuzz 3, Spunk’d 8, The King of Coochie 4, and Soderbergh’s latest (and the film for which she wins this award), The Girlfriend Experience.  In the The Girlfriend Experience, the talented Miss Grey plays an escort, which is acting, because she is not an escort in real life, she is an adult film star — totally different!  The drama deals with the escort managing her clients and her personal life in the days of the 2008 election.  You see?  Politics = drama!  The film scored varying reviews, but I can’t see how anyone would oppose a movie where we follow this fine femme around for two hours, can you?

Best Cinematography:  M David Mullen

If she were a mute, she’d be perfect.

Most of you may not know who M David Mullen is, but you probably know his work as a cinematographer…  Love Pig?  Now Renting?  Lipstick Camera?  No?  Me neither.  But I do know his 2009 release: Jennifer’s Body.  Being a cinematographer is hard work. According to Wikipedia, “The title is generally equivalent to director of photography (DP), used to designate a chief over the camera and lighting crews working on a film, responsible for achieving artistic and technical decisions related to the image.”  So, when you see something beautiful on the screen, don’t thank the director, thank the cinematographer!  In Jennifer’s Body we got two moments of beauté (that’s French for “beauty”): A make out scene with Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried and a topless Megan Fox — you, Mr. Mullen, are a master of your craft.  Now please understand, I still think Ms. Fox is a moronic piece of white-trash, but she is an extremely hot, moronic piece of white-trash, so there you go.

Best Director:  Zach Snyder

But, where’d he get the mask?

Fuck the haters.  I know he took out the squid and I know that Watchmen is still a better book than movie, but here’s the bottom line:  Zach Snyder took what was, for all intensive purposes, Hollywood’s wetdream/nightmare property and made a damned fine film.  It’s beautiful.  It’s as true as we can hope for any comic book ground through the Hollywood machine.  It gave us an awesome Rorschach.   And if you’ve seen the extended cut with the Curse of the Black Freighter woven throughout, it’s beautifully told cinema.  You can disagree with me (it wouldn’t be the first time), but Zach Snyder deserves a hearty bow-down from all you geeky bitches for pulling off one of the most difficult comic book franchises-to-film ever.  Even if you hate the film you must respect the doors he’s opened.

Best Film:  The Hangover

Really though, who hasn’t woken up with a tiger?

As Comedies go, I don’t ask for much — just make me laugh!  At some comedies I laugh a little, at others, I laugh a lot.  At The Hangover, I laughed my fucking ass off all three times I saw it!  The cast is perfect.  The humor is spot on.  It starts with funnies and never stops — I heard jokes for the first time on my third viewing because I had laughed through them the first two times.  Does this movie make me question what it is to be human?  No.  Am I a better person after seeing it?  Probably not in the existential sense.  But here’s why The Hangover is the BEST film of 2009: It was exactly what we needed — all of us.  2009 could’ve been better in a lot of ways.  I wanted escape.  I got a hilarious romp through the eyes of four not-all-too-smart guys in the land of hedonism and unadulterated pleasure.  I left the theater and I was genuinely happy, more than I can say for some animated/blue-people/depressing films I saw last year…  Oh yeah, and Mike Tyson was in it singing Phil Collins — automatic win.

That’s it kiddies.  Enjoy this Sunday (if you can).  Maybe next year we’ll see some actual talent get an award, like whoever stars in the Burton/Bekmambetov film coming out where President Lincoln fights vampires…

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

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