Sgt. Angle Reporting for Duty!

Doubtless that the lot of you have already been reading and speculating on the news that Guillermo del Toro is no longer directing The Hobbit.

Hobbit to Hobbit, this town is too big for us.

Wah, wah! Boo-hoo! Now let’s get to the bare bones of it all and pick a winner to take up the reins of this beast.

Del Toro first signed on in April of 2008 to direct, coupling up with Peter Jackson to write two scripts out of the Tolkien story, with a tentative release date in 2012. Then, MGM sh*t hit the fan in terms of, you know, lack of funds. Then, not even a month ago, barely a month ago, del Toro bowed out of the directing gig, citing the fact that constant delays keep him from his passion projects.

Rumors abounded — Sam Raimi, who is apparently a great fan of Tolkien, has had his name thrown into the fire more than once. Yesterday, however, an interesting, reasonable, and dare-I-say logical choice was reported in the name of David Yates.

Below is a breakdown of why Yates is a great choice, as well as a quickie list of other top contenders who just might do the film justice. This is all, again, speculation, and it could even be less than a week from now when a real choice is made, which would make this write-up amount to nothing more than space on the screen — then again, perhaps we can brainstorm up another project for one of the below directors.

David Yates. This dude almost came out of nowhere when he picked up the Harry Potter franchise to direct Order of the Phoenix, Half-Blood Prince, and the upcoming Deathly Hallows (split into two movies). Before that, he directed the very mature, very complex, and very great thriller for British Television State of Play. If anyone understands the intricacies of character relationships, as well as big-budget effects — and the balance between the two — Yates is your guy.

He’s not a very showy director, and his trimming of memorable scenes from the Potter books during their translation to the screen can range from reasonable to beneficial to downright frustrating storytelling. It’s almost as if he truly does start as late as possible and ends as soon as possible — despite his Potter films climbing upwards of 2 and 1/2 hours.

While Yates has yet to gain household name status, I’d like to think that his character sensibilities and great shot composition can really push the envelope in the world of Middle Earth, if that’s possible, to a point beyond Peter Jackson’s physical landscapes.

Sam Raimi. Though never building to much more than rumor — especially as he preps his film version of Warcraft followed by a possible dip into the land of Oz — the thought of the Evil Dead maestro taking the reins of perhaps one of the best film franchises in history is only a little exciting, considering his not insignificant bungling of the latter two Spider-Man films. Not all of the negative aspects are Raimi’s fault, but when a filmmaker gives up on story and character simply for the sake of the studio’s explosive profit eyes, you have to wonder where their dedication lies. He briefly made up for his mistakes with the delightfully scary Drag Me to Hell, but could Raimi return to a big budget world — under the guiding hands of fellow-filmmaker Peter Jackson — with anything other than a mixed mess?

Alfonso Cuaron. Possibly only a rumor to the few and proud dedicated Prisoner of Azkaban lovers, Cuaron’s visual sensibilities are equivalent to Jackson’s in as much as his deft camera moves and the simple way he captures the heart of poignant and even otherwise bland scenes. However, this could also lead to his downfall, as The Hobbit, while powerful in the creation of the epic journey, is not a trip for the feint of heart, or for the child within. It’s for the grown-ups we will become. Granted, he contributed a great deal to the development of Harry Potter into a young adult, and handed us a more-mature-than-it-needed-to-be tale of friendship in Y Tu Mama Tambien, but is he ready for the gigantic budget and all-encompassing universe of Tolkien? All signs from Children of Men point to yes.

I’m telling you, you smell like cheese.

Kenneth Branagh. Go ahead, finish laughing. Who is to say that the director of many-a Shakespeare play or film couldn’t take on the intricate world and character intrigue within The Hobbit? Add that depth to the fact that he is currently shooting Thor, a big-budget Marvel action picture with devious villains (perhaps) and colorful action and special effects, and there’s a side to Branagh that’s ready to branch out. He is one of the greatest actors around today, so maybe he’ll even take on the monumental task of directing himself? Eh?

Frank Darabont. The guy’s too tied up on The Walking Dead TV adaptation to really dedicate to the project, but wouldn’t he be a great choice for the smooth editing and the way his stories unfold? Shawshank Redemption and The Majestic both unfolded in  way that basically implied that these movies always existed, and all we had to do was uncover the filmstrip. The Mist, while perhaps weaker in dialogue and character development, did however unfold almost casually; there is no other way to tell a Darabont script. His writing is always a clean, fast, easy read. I would even go so far as to suggest that Darabont take a pass at The Hobbit script before hoisting the camera over his own shoulders on this one.

George Lucas. Just F**king with you.

Neill Blomkamp. Finally, and perhaps the most obvious horse in the race that I’ve just made up, Neill Blomkamp, Peter Jackson’s protege. The double L Neill rocketed to success after his first feature District 9 — which also featured stunning CG work that was unmatched last year, okay, maybe by Avatar — and also found a way to develop the character of an alien to this planet through mockumentary footage mixed with the “in home” scenes of a father and son just trying to get home. He’s kind of an obvious choice to pick up the reins, but is also the most inexperienced in dealing with the huge budget, sprawling story, and majestic camera sweeps that are the true ingredients to Peter Jackson’s Middle Earth.

So there you have it. Who do you want to consider to take over Middle Earth territory from Guillermo del Toro’s departure? Sound off like you’ve got a pair!

Dismissed.

Sgt. Angle