Yes, please.

The great Bob Kane and one of his cohorts, Bill Finger, created the whip-bearing cat-burglar in Spring of 1940 as an antithesis for Batman, though at that time she was known only as The Cat.  The chemistry between the beautiful putty-tat and the campy man-bat was instant and has endured through time to represent true love on opposite sides of the law.  Catwoman was ranked #11 in IGN’s Top 100 Comic Book Villains Of All Time List as well as #51 on Wizard magazine’s “100 Greatest Villains of All Time” list.

I could go into the mysterious amnesia/flight attendant/prostitute/abused history of Catwoman, but that wouldn’t be much of a rant now, would it?  So instead, I’m going to focus on two things here: First and foremost I would like to address the unfounded and hopeful rumors that Catwoman will be a player in the next installment of Nolan’s Batman series.  Second, I hope to give some advice to the would-be pussycat theives creating a costume for a party in the upcoming weekend.

Catwoman = sexuality.  There is no way to get around that fact.  If Catwoman isn’t hot then she’s not Catwoman.  Now, in the Adam West TV series, Catwoman was played by three lovely ladies:  Julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether, and Eartha Kitt.  Each of them bringing a little something special to the role but all of them making pants tight for the male demographic.  I know that there is more to the woman than a pair of gigantic, enormous and well proportioned high heels; she is also very smart, physically in tip-top shape and damaged goods to the FUBAR degree.  That’s right, if you’re going to play her right you better be mentally unstable and all flavors of crazy because the Catwoman we all love is nowhere near normal.

Julie

Lee

Eartha

Let’s do a quick comparison, shall we?  Michelle Pfeiffer or Halle Berry?  If you said Halle Berry then you should go watch Monsters Ball until you masturbate to death.  For those of us with taste who said Pfeiffer, let’s find out why…  Catwoman the movie sucked, but I’m going to attempt comparing only the characters so bear with me.  Pfeiffer was absolutely bat-shit (pun intended) out of her mind.  She loved Bruce Wayne, she lusted for Batman, she wore a fantastically redesigned vinyl costume and seemed to know she was nuts.  Berry wasn’t even Selina Kyle (tsk-tsk), thought she was cool, not crazy, and had absolutely no interaction with Batman whatsoever.  Okay, so maybe I can’t do a fair character-to-character comparison without the movies getting involved, but hopefully you picked something out of that metaphorical mess.  The point is this: To be Catwoman you have to be more than sexy, you have to be nuts.  That’s it.  Don’t try to be sexy like Halle Berry is sexy (and for the record, she is sexy), but sexy like Rose Mcgowan is sexy — the kind of sexy that you would never ever hang out with, the kind of sexy that makes you nervous and the kind of sexy that would burn down and Abercrombie and Fitch store out of sheer boredom.

Who do I think should be Catwoman if Nolan uses her?  For years I’ve been in the Jolie camp, but that’s the problem: it’s been years.  Angelina is getting older and while I still wouldn’t kick her out of bed, I’m not sure she has quite the required sexiness to pull off Catwoman.  Though, I’ll be the first to admit she’s got crazy down…

I saw this in Tijuana…

I’ve been hearing rumors that Megan Fox wants a piece of this action as well.  My response?  No f*cking way.  You have to be a lot more than beautiful to play Catwoman with any sort of chutzpah — you have to be an actress.  Megan Fox is not an actress.  She’s played Shia’s girlfriend and a boy-eating demon, which is kind of the same thing anyways…  Megan would make a great piece of art because art doesn’t talk, move, make sounds or change.  From what I can tell (here, here, and here) Megan Fox is a lucky piece of gutter trash with a pretty face who happened to be in the right place at the right time.  She also has nice legs.  And boobs.  And butt.

Model? Maybe. Actress? HAHAHA…

So what we need is an actress who can act, play crazy, be hot, and show proper respect to one of the greatest female characters ever created.  How about these?

I know she’s already Black Widow, but would it suck to see here it tight black outfits twice?

Hey look! She aleaready has the outfit!

Give her a whip and leave us alone…

Or poison Ivy…

If she laid there for the whole movie dressed in black, it would be fine.

Now for the second (and more pertinent) order of business:  Dressing up like Catwoman this year.  If you’ve read anything I’ve ever written on this site then you know how I feel about cosplay, but as a refresher here is my motto:  If you can then do, if you can not then don’t try.  So here are three simple rules to keep your disguise from suck:

1.  If you don’t look like Selina Kyle you won’t look like Catwoman. I’m sorry to those of you with more body than an F-150 but you need to hear this from someone: Catwoman isn’t fat.  If you weigh anything starting with the number two or higher then you shouldn’t be doing this.  Instead, why don’t you go out dressed as the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, then we all win.

Don’t make this real…

Better for chub-chubs.

2. Be Catwoman, not a cat. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this happen.  Some slutty sorostitute throws on a kitty costume with less matrial than her lingerie and walks around with a whip calling herself “Catwoman.”  No.  Catwoman is not a slut — we wish she was, but she’s not.  Be sexy, not stupid.

Cat. Woman. Lame.

Catwoman. Awesome.

3. Play the f*cking part! You’ve got the body, you’ve got the outfit, now act like it godammit!  Be nutty, say things that make the room go quiet!  Scratch girls’ boyfriends!  Bend over for no reason at all and by the end of the night steal something!  You’re f*cking Catwoman!

Freaky = Magnificent.

That’s it kids.  Have fun this weekend.  Don’t be safe and above all get some “treats.”  And as a final guideline for you Catwomen out there, if some stupid b*tch gets up in your face ’cause your in character and she’s a hoe, SLAP HER!  Catwoman is many things but one thing she’s not is a pussy.

Mr. Wolff