So there I am, having just usurped control of the Fates’ Tower in God of War II, when I see my friends porn collection just dripping out of his closet.  I meandered over, opened the closet door the rest of the way and began looking through what had to be 200 different titles, from Girlvana 2 to Pussy Foot’n 5.  When he came back into the room I said, “Dr. Cellus, what the hell is all this?”

Sheepishly, the good Doctor confided that his porn collection had nowhere else to hide given his current living situation.  I was amazed.  It would appear that this movie connoisseur had, on more than one occasion, been caught with his jerk collection by ladies who found it beneath them and disgusting.  These ladies, upon seeing titles like Helpless Heroines in Double Jeopardy, promptly stormed out, leaving Cellus and the videos the play man-craps one more time.

I have been thinking about that moment a lot lately and I figured more of you may have this problem.  You want a movie for you-time, but not something you have to be embarrassed about — hell, something you can watch alone (for about three minutes) and with the ladies!

Fear not.  I am here.

Below you will find a list of four great films.  That’s it.  Four genuinely good(ish) films that can be watched by your eyes and balls only, with a woman you would like to see naked (emotionally of course), or just seen in your collection without any sort of odd refrain.  I’m not talking about movies made as an excuse to show boobs — no cheap horror movies or low budget skin here!  Women can spot unnecessary nakedness from a cover alone.  Feel free to put these out in the open for all to see, not only won’t you be ashamed, but some may think you’re a smarter person for owning them!

Femme Fatale (2002)

Brian De Palma.  Yeah, the guy who did Carlito’s Way, Scarface and Mission Impossible!  You see?  Your a film enthusiast!

The film revolves around a woman, played by Rebecca Romijn Stamos, trying to escape her past as a thief.  Antonio Banderas plays a photographer caught up in more than he can handle.  RottenTomatoes.com currently has the film at a 48%.  Why?  The film gets slow in some parts and is overall melodramatic and just plain silly, but I have an answer to that, several in fact, you ready? Here they are: 0:08:00, 0:10:00, 1:47:00, 1:36:00, and 1:26:00.  Another great thing about films in the not really great but kinda, sorta enjoyable category  is that you can almost always find them in the $2.00 bin at your locally closing Blockbuster.  Go get it!

Gia 1998

You had to know this was coming.

If you haven’t seen this movie, go BUY it right the f*ck now.  I’m serious.  Stop reading.  Go.

I assume that those of you reading this have seen Gia now and we can all be on the same page.  Everybody knows that Angelina Jolie blew way up for her role in Gia, but some people forget that her lesbian cohort is none other than Elizabeth Mitchell, that’s right, LOST’s Juliet.  When I recommend you all buy this film it must be understood that it has nothing to do with the 92% on RottenTomatoes.com, or 0:24:00, or 0:25:00, 0:26:00, or 0:27:00.  No.  I want you to buy this movie because it makes you a better person.  Really.

No.  Not really.

Secretary (2002)

Maggie Gyllenhaal has made quite a name for herself lately.  After topping that bitch from Dawson’s Creek as Rachel Dawes in the last Batman film, Gyllenhaal has proven that not only is she beautiful, but incredibly talented as well.  If you saw Secretary you know what I’m talking about. Funny thing about this one: a girl actually introduced me to this film a while back and couldn’t believe that I hadn’t seen it — it was one of her “faves.”  I owe that girl something because she was right.  Currently holding at 74% on RottenTomatoes.com, Secretary is a legitamtely good film with plenty of laughs and sighs (the sighs are particularly rewarding at 0:20:00, 0:53:00, 1:15:00, 1:41:00 and 1:43:00).

Check it out and watch it with a girl, unless you are a girl, then come over to my house with another girl and we’ll watch it together…

Y Tu Mama Tambien (2001)

Do you know who Alfonso Cuaron is?  Well, he’s a done a few little films like Children of Men, Great Expectations and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban — ya know, little shit.

Well, a few years ago Mr. Cuaran made a gem of a thing called Y Tu Mama Tambien; in all seriousness, this really is a great film.  It follows two boys and the girl (Ana Lopez Mercado) of their dreams on a road trip through Mexico.  I laughed, I cried and I got a huge boner hug from the girl who’s shoulder I was crying on… yup.

RottenTomatoes.com says: 91%.

I say: 0:01:00, 0:05:00, 0:55:00, 1:03:00, 1:12:00 and 1:34:00.

There are plenty of other “good” films out there that no man should feel shame for owning, but I think I’ll save those for another day.

If you have any suggestions, feel free to add them below.

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff