Going back a bit further, I want to mention the end of day one for a moment.  Benjamin, Sgt. Angle, Ash, Street Fece and I wandered through the streets of SF ’til we found ourselves in the good company of the Dragatomi crew, drinking many beverages of alcoholic constitution.  I bring this up because at some point you may see some pictures of a pant-less Ash and I wanted you to understand that the evening, full of magical moments as it was, happened at the behest of our worser natures let free upon the world by beer and shots.

Now to WonderCon 2010, day two.

The day started off great when Ash, Sgt. Angle, Street Fece and myself surprised our fearless leader, Benjamin, with an iPad, fresh and steamy from the SF Apple Store.  It’s Benji’s birthday soon and we were able to get up a bit early and (without too much difficulty) procure said device for the good man.

At the convention, many shenanigans were afoot: The Losers panel featured a buffed-out Chris Evans who was not able to answer a single Cap America questions, which I understand since it was a Losers panel, but it’s still a bit disappointing.  Cage mumbled his way through another fan fest, promoting Kick Ass — I honestly believe that he’s ALWAYS high.  If you ask me, he’s a bum, but whatever.  There was a Nightmare on Elm Street panel with the great Haley available to all.  But the big surprise, the moment everybody seemed to get the most excited about, was the Nolan walkout where he spoke a bit about Inception and showed some clips.  Wow.  Just… Wow.

Disney was there as well, selling Tron (more virally than anything else), Prince of Persia and Toy Story 3.  I didn’t catch anything on those panels, but I haven’t heard anything exciting either, so let’s just say I probably didn’t miss much.  Equally underwhelming was Milla Jovovich’s two-day attendance to promote yet another romp through the bewildering world of Resident Evil.

The day ended with all of us at the Vinyl Addiction party where we enjoyed some amazing artwork and vinyl toy — free beer and booze didn’t hurt none either.  We got to see a couple episodes of the show and were unsuccessful at winning any of the many raffled off items from various sponsors.  It was great.

Today we will not be attending the Con, so I’m afraid Semantink’s report ends here.  But I’m sure some of the more seasoned bloggers will be writing about their personal moments and experiences throughout the next week, so stay tuned for more in-depth coverage coming over the next few days from Semantinl.com!

James Ninness

Just when you thought you were done reading my blogs, Ben asks me to report on Day One of WonderCon 2010!

On Thursday I drove up here with Benjamin, Sgt. Angle, Street Fece and Ash — the trip itself was fine.  Nothing exciting happened save the ramblings of five delusional and not-quite-matured men killing time with penis jokes and embellished stories of our youthful conquests.

We go to our hotel, the Marcone Marriott in San Francisco around 9:00ish and immediately made our way to the hotel bar where alcohol is expensive but desperately needed.  After a couple gin and tonics we decided to finish our prep for the weekend and continued working through the evening.

At around 6:00am this morning our room alarm clock went off with a fruious rigor that was answered by my fists.  Ben, Sgt. Angle and myself went to Starbucks in an attempt to restore our positive attitudes with coffee.  After the rest of the team was up it was onward to WonderCon!

This was Semantink’s first time at WonderCon and we were’nt too sure what to expect, but I’m pleased to say that it was, for the most part, awesome.

The Good

Panels had just enough star power and insight.  Whether you were going to hear Milla Jovovich and Ali Larter introduce their new Resident Evil trailer in 3D, wanted to hear Chiklas talk about his new comic, or just had the inkling to get some insight from one of your favorite comic producers — WonderCon had it all.

Layout was perfect.  We started at the end of the hall with the Artist’s Alley and Indie Publishers, then made our way across it all through the comic vendors, big-league booths and into vinyl toy-ville.  We got just enough of everything and spent little-to-know-time wondering where we were.  This may sound like a “meh” concern, but if you’ve ever been to San Diego Comic Con, then you know how detrimental poor planning can be during the larger conventions and how easy it is to get, literally, lost in the crowd.

The talent was spot on!  I saw some amazing up and coming artists, some soon-to-be-huge indie publishers, a few bigger names signing/sketching, just enough big-budget booths to satiate my palette and more than a few fantastic custom toy companies.  Sure, there were a few not-so-soon-to-be-famous folks as well, but it didn’t feel to heavily skewed in one direction or another.  There was success and there was hope for success and a good convention needs both ends of the spectrum.

The Bad

The staff was incredibly bad.  Upon our arrival we talked to three security guards who all told us that professional registration was at a different location.  In between talking to those three guards, we talked to four other guards who wouldn’t listen when we tried to ask where to go for professional registration.  When we finally got registered went downstairs where an incredibly rude guard told us that we couldn’t go in and told us that we had to wait in a special room — we said we’d just go back outside and were told that we’d “never get in.”  Snarky!

The organization was complete and utter shit.  Lines were formed haphazardly with tweens guiding us from one point to another (most of them texting while doing so), a writer/artist “speed dating” event that Sgt. Angle went to was very lopsided and he ended up talking to other writers most of the time, and none of the personnel seemed to know what was going on — I can’t remember how many times I received “I don’t know” as an answer to general queries…

Day One of WonderCon was, overall, a great time.  The entire Semantink team walked away exhausted, but satiated.  We got to see some old friends (Lord Mesa, Nathan Hamill and Dragatomy) and make a ton of new ones (Jackie Huang, John Giang, Westside Laserworks, Geek Chic and Lauren Venell).  We’re going to go through the TONS of cards/postcards we picked up today, check out everybody’s online resources and try to make even more new friends tomorrow!

I have to go now — Benjamin, Street Fece and I have a meeting, but stay tuned for some more from Ash and Sgt. Angle when they return from their TRON LEGACY shenanigans!!

James Ninness

Hey, kids! Welcome back to the Book Report.

I want to talk about about a book that, when it was first published, took the literary world by storm but I couldn’t stand reading when I was forced to get through it in high school. Now that it has been updated and revised, however, it’s an absolute joy to get through.
The book I’m talking about is Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen.

First published in 1813, the book was an immediate success. Jane Austen called the work “her own darling child” and spoke of its protagonist, Elizabeth Bennett, “as delightful a creature as ever appeared in print.” History has, more or less, agreed with her. In 2003, the BBC conducted one of its largest surveys to determine “The UK’s Best Loved Book”, and it placed second behind The Lord of the Rings.
(Side note: Have you noticed how The Lord of the Rings consistently gets a mention in these Book Reports? It’s because it really is that good of a book, and you should go read it if you haven’t yet)
As a love story it works fine, but I am inclined to agree with Charlotte Bronte when she calls the novel “…a carefully fenced, highly cultivated garden, with neat borders and delicate flowers; but no open country, no fresh air, no blue hill, no bonny beck. I should hardly like to live with her ladies and gentlemen, in their elegant but confined houses…Miss Austen is only shrewd and observant.” (written Jan 12, 1848 to Fraser’s magazine, in response to their review of Austen’s book)
It is a good criticism. Jane Austen wrote clever characters doing clever things in clever situations, and surrounded those clever people with idiots so they might appear more clever. The trouble is that just because it is clever doesn’t automatically make it any good. Even the main conflict of the story, the squaring off of Darcy’s pride and prejudice against Elizabeth’s (get it?), is more a battle of wits than anything and doesn’t go any deeper than simple miscommunication.
What this story really needs is a conflict of apocalyptic proportions.

In 2009, Jane Austen’s novel got a much needed face-lift (so to speak), when Seth Grahame-Smith updated her “classic Regency romance” to include “Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem” with the newly revised Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. And so the story got the conflict of apocalyptic proportions it so desperately required.
The story essentially remains unchanged (in fact, Mrs. Bennett remains almost completely unchanged), the only difference now is that when the story is about to get unbearably boring, a zombie attack (called “unmentionables” in the story) comes around to liven things up.

One thing I really appreciated about the book is that it helps clarify the satire in Austen’s original text. Hiding just beneath the love story is subtle humor poking fun at the superficial lives of the landed gentry. The trouble is, it can be difficult to tell exactly how superficial they really are when the main conflicts of the story scratch barely beneath surface-level problems. Watching the rich, land-owning elite of the early 19th century resolutely hang onto their “manners” in the face of global apocalypse in the updated version brings out the satire to the point of hilarity.
It doesn’t hurt that the book has kung-fu in it now, too.

For those who prefer their literature in video format, there’s good news for you, too. Richard Kelly (the writer and director of Donnie Darko) and Natalie Portman (do I really need to list any credits?) are set to produce the film version of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies with Portman to star as the historically popular heroine. The project is still under development, but I expect you’ll hear more from Sgt. Angle as things progress on this front.

That’s all for this week!

Still paddlin’ the old knew…
_-Akatzen-_

Greetings all!

This past week, several of my fellow Semantink bloggers touched on upcoming comic-to-film translations that they found interesting. Sgt. Angle looked at the upcoming Green Lantern film while Mr. Wolff gave his take on Captain America. I thought that I would follow suit by looking at the comic book to film adaptation that has me the most excited: The Mighty Thor! While Mr. Wolff might say that being more excited about Thor than Captain America makes me “a moron”, I would just like to point out that Thor will feature the warriors three, A group of three (duh) Asgardian warriors who can outdrink, outwench, and out fight anyone. For that reason alone, The Mighty Thor should be a movie that has people excited.

The Warriors Three are always looking for a party to crash.

With any comic book-to-film translation, my first question is always “what will the story be?” Why? Well, tell me that a Spider-man movie is being made, and I’ll get excited, tell me that a Spider-man movie is getting made focusing on “The Clone Saga” and I’ll say “up yours” and never watch the thing. So with 50 years of continuity and the whole of Norse mythology to draw upon, what will The Mighty Thor be about? Marvel has given their synopsis which is about as clear as soup:

Marvel Studios expands its film universe with a new type of superhero: THOR. This epic adventure spans the Marvel Universe; from present day Earth to the realm of Asgard. At the center of the story is The Mighty Thor, a powerful but arrogant warrior whose reckless actions reignite an ancient war. Thor is cast down to Earth and forced to live among humans as punishment. Once here, Thor learns what it takes to be a true hero when the most dangerous villain of his world sends the darkest forces of Asgard to invade Earth. Kenneth Branagh directs this fantasy epic which stars Australian actor Chris Hemsworth as the ancient Norse god, Tom Hiddleston as his evil brother Loki, Natalie Portman as Jane Foster, a young woman who befriends Thor on Earth, and Anthony Hopkins as Odin, Thor’s father and king of Asgard. Expect to see agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., previously seen in ”Iron Man,” to make an appearance, further forshadowing the coming of The Avengers!

Not much there to go on, but there are some important things that we can pull from this. First, we are going to get al film that is set on both Asgard and Earth, which is awesome. If you look at all the best Thor stories, from Lee to Simonson to Jurgens to JMS, all of them feature Thor not only kickin’ it up in Asgard, but also down on Earth. Second, the story will have Loki, which is a necessity. You can’t have an X-men movie without Magneto, and you can’t have a Thor movie without Loki, period. Third, there’s going to be a war, and every story is better if there is a war involved. War might be hell, but its usually fun to watch on the big screen. The only thing that I didn’t see here is any mention of Donald Blake, Thor’s tether to Earth.

Asgard-coming soon to a theater near you…

Not having Blake (or at least back ups Eric Masterson or Jake Olsen) involved as a Thor counterpart is troubling, but hopefully as more details emerge about the project, that character will be involved. This sounds like it follows pretty closely in the vein on the old Stan Lee/ Jack Kirby stories, wherein Thor started out as Kind of a douche. Just getting to see Thor interact with the whole of the Æsir is a pretty exciting proposition though, and of course that means appearances by The Warriors Three! Consider me in.

Next up, lets look at the production team for the film. Films usually succeed or fail based on the director’s vision, and no where is that more obvious than in comic book films. Look at Ang Lee’s Hulk, and you can see what happens if a director doesn’t have a connection to the material. Mark Steven Johnson used Daredevil to illustrate that you must not only love the source material, but actually have talent. Joel Schumaker, well, you get the idea. So, does Thor director Kenneth Branagh have the chops to make a great Thor film? I’m not entirely sure. Branagh is a well known name, but not because of his directorial prowess. In fact, while he has 13 movies to his credit, he hasn’t done anything close to the scale of Thor, the closest being his directorial debut, Henry V. Now, the Branagh movies that I have seen have been mostly good, I love Dead Again, and enjoyed Sleuth, and his Shakespeare movies are always excellent, but I worry about him being able to handle a big budget movie well. Still I will give it a chance, I wasn’t sure about Favreau on Iron Man and that turned out pretty well. One last note about Branagh, if he was going to play a part in this movie (which he tends to do in his films) he would be a dead ringer for ladies man extrodinaire, Fandral the Dashing, leader of The Warriors Three!

This is the man directing Thor.

Another important factor in a big movie like this is who will be handling special effects. Luckily, it seems that Thor is in good hands, with BUF Compagnie handling the bulk of the SFX work. In case you don’t know what BUF Compagnie is (and why would you, they are French) it is a great SFX company that disd some of the SFX work for films like The Dark Knight, Avatar, The Prestige, and a whole host of other movies. Thank goodness, because if theres gonna be a war in Asgard, there’s gonna need to be fire-demons and ice giants fighting Hogun the Grim , and I don’t want some dude down the street rendering them out on his basement computer.

You must have mad skills to make Surtur and his fiery diaper look tough.

The last part of the production puzzle is, of course, the producers This movie is being handled by Marvel Studios, which is fine by me. They did me right with Iron Man and the latest Hulk, so I can’t complain. I will say that Marvel just signed a deal to use the facilities of  Raleigh studios for their next four projects, but I have no idea how that will affect the quality of the films.

Another important part of the movie is always the casting. Jessica Alba is hot but she is not Sue Storm, and that’s all I could think of while watching Fantastic Four. On the flip side, Robert downey Junior IS Tony Stark, and Iron Man was great because of it. So who is going to be strutting around as Thor? Chris Hemsworth. Yeah, the guy who played Kirk’s dad in the new Star Trek. I’m not entirely sold on this one, but until someone starts letting me cast movies, I can’t do much besides hope.

Maybe he’ll look bigger in the cape…

The rest of the cast that Branagh has assembled is perfect. Anthony Hopkins as Odin? Perfect! Rene Russo as Frigga? Well done! Stellan Skarsgard, Tom Hiddleston and Kat Dennings? Yes, Yes, Yes. Oh, and Natalie Portman will be starring as well, so fanboys can start drooling in anticipation. I know that you are all concerned, so I’ll tell you, The Warriors Three have been cast as well, with none other than Ray Stevenson (Punisher: War Journal, Rome) playing Volstagg the voluminous. I feel really good about the cast, even with a mostly unknown playing the part of Thor.

You know he walks around the house saying “Who’s your All-father”…

A big factor in this movie is how it ties into the Marvel movie universe. Captain America, Iron Man and the Hulk all fit together pretty well, but how do you make a movie about angry blonde gods fit in with street level action? This is going to be a fine line that Thor is going to have to walk, especially if the Thunder god himself is going to be in The Avengers movie that Marvel has planned. If pulled off correctly, this could be a great launching pad for the Avengers, especially if you consider the fact that the avengers comic book was started when norse god Loki started s#!t and a bunch of marvel heroes had to team up to lay the smack down on him. If this movie doesn’t fit with the rest of the Marvel slate then an Avengers film would feel uneven, or just fail. Not too much pressure on Branagh right?

There are plenty of questions going into Thor, and all of them scare me. Will Branagh be able to handle a movie this big? Will a no-name actor be able to hold the spotlight against a very talented cast? Will the movie fit within the Marvel films universe? How much screen time will the Warriors Three get? Even with all these questions, this movie has got me pretty excited, but we still have to wait a year to see how it turns out. Luckily, Kick Ass comes out in a month or so to keep us all tided over. Thanks for stopping by folks. See you all next week!

Greetings readers! If you have been checking out our site this week, you might have noticed that we have begun running our blogs in a slightly different manner. I know that change can be scary, so I just wanted to give you a run down of what you can be expecting from us here at Semantink every week:

Every Monday you will get to read the newest strip in our web-comic, THE UNDERGROUNDS. You can also find an archive of all posted UNDERGROUNDS strips at the-undergrounds.com.

Tuesdays still give you Sgt. Angle and his weekly Cinegasms column, dealing with all things movie.

On Wednesdays Akatzen regails you with his weekly Book Report delving into the world of books that don’t have pretty pictures.

Mr. Wolff still owns Thursday with his Hump Day Rant.

Friday sees new Semantink blogger Dr. Cellus delve into all things paranormal on his blog Cognitive Alchemy.

Saturday gives you Admiral Eo’s Soft Shoe Diaries, wherein the good Admiral looks into the world of theater.

Sunday, you will be stuck with me as I talk comics in my weekly Comicopea column.

Not a bad line up right? Well our new blog schedule is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of news here at Semantink. Over the next few months, our site will be getting a bit of a face lift courtesy of the fine gentlemen at SanBox Inc. All of the content that you love will still be here, but the whole place will be prettier and easier to navigate.

For our MYTHOI lovers, I have some great news, our latest issue of the MYTHOI Birth series, TAROS will be out this week. Here is the cover art to the upcoming issue to whet your appetite:

April is going to see the last issue of MYTHOI Births, TOUCH, hit the internet. As always, MYTHOI will be brought to by the electrifying team of James Ninness and Jed Soriano.

The MYTHOI Birth series coming to a close means two things, 1) MYTHOI proper will pick up again in June with issue #2, and 2)the MYTHOI Birth graphic novel will be available around the same time. All of our MYTHOI issues are available for digital download, but this graphic novel will be the only place you can find the whole Birth series collected in in one place. The GN will be chock full of original content as well, so make sure you pick up a copy when it comes out!

This fall we will be launching two new series, THE HEAVEN’S and SIM-I. THE HEAVEN’S will be written by James Ninness and illustrated by spectacular newcomer Turbo Qualls! THE HEAVEN’S is a steampunk power struggle set on the alien desert world of Terra. Joe Pezzula will be writing SIMI-I, the madcap tale of a super intelligent monkey trying to evade vaporization. I will have more information and pretty picture-tude on these soon.

Next month is also the start of convention season for us here at Semantink. We will be at WonderCon and Wizard World Anaheim in April, The Phoenix Comicon in May, the world famous San Diego Comic Con in July, and the Alternative Press Expo and Long Beach Comic con in October.

So, to make a long story short (too late), 2010 is an exciting year for us here at Semantink, and I just want to say thank you for being a part of it. Keep an eye out here for more details on our upcoming projects, and if you have any questions you can always drop me a line.

Benjamin Glibert

First of all, know this: pesticide makes Kermit a transvestite.  Moving on…

Next I want to apologize to those of you who missed our time together last week because of The Undergrounds.  I know it was difficult, but trust me, it was worth it.  Benji’s been working with five writers and an artist to put that little web comic together and, well, writers and artists are about the most difficult people in the world to work with, so give the man some slack.  The comic itself is pretty damned funny, especially if you’ve ever spent time in customer service…

Now, to the topic at hand: The Academy Awards.  This Sunday Hollywood is going to blow some smoke up their asses, let it mingle for a while and then burp in our faces with the biggest sham ever, the Oscars.  A group of rich people swooning over one another, ranting about how great they are and how important their work is to the world… Please.  Anyways, these fascists elitists fleshy bags of hot air will, at the very least, entertain us; I’m sure someone will have a nipple slip, somebody will rant about the environment when they win, someone will end up saying something crazy like “midget-mayonnaise” for no reason, and hopefully, if we’re really lucky, somebody with some talent, not connection, will win an award they deserve.  But doubtful.

So, in lieu of the good Sgt. Angle’s picks, I’m here to give you my wishes-that-weren’t, not predictions, for this years Academy Awards in the following categories: Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Cinematography, Best Director and Best Picture.  Shall we?

Best Actor:  Cung Le

I speak a language called FukYooUp!

Last year a little sci-fi gem called Pandorum came out and it was, without a doubt, one of the most fun films in the genre I had seen in a very, very long time.  Not only did the movie have some solid work in the writing, directing and production department, but it managed to surprise me at the end, something films rarely do effectively these days.  One of the actors, real life fighter Cung Le, portrayed Manh, a badass mofo with a huge spear and a foreign language.  Cung Le spent the whole movie flipping, slashing and fighting, something that keeps me interested and holds my attention (I know, weird, right?).  Pandorum itself was fantastic and if you haven’t seen it, you’re doing yourself a disservice.  Cung Le wins because he could fuck any of the Academy’s nominations up, without special effects.

Best Actress:  Sasha Grey

I’d take her serious…

I don’t need to introduce this beauty, but I will anyways.  Sasha Grey has been in some of the more timeless pieces of the last few years, including: Teenage Peach Fuzz 3, Spunk’d 8, The King of Coochie 4, and Soderbergh’s latest (and the film for which she wins this award), The Girlfriend Experience.  In the The Girlfriend Experience, the talented Miss Grey plays an escort, which is acting, because she is not an escort in real life, she is an adult film star — totally different!  The drama deals with the escort managing her clients and her personal life in the days of the 2008 election.  You see?  Politics = drama!  The film scored varying reviews, but I can’t see how anyone would oppose a movie where we follow this fine femme around for two hours, can you?

Best Cinematography:  M David Mullen

If she were a mute, she’d be perfect.

Most of you may not know who M David Mullen is, but you probably know his work as a cinematographer…  Love Pig?  Now Renting?  Lipstick Camera?  No?  Me neither.  But I do know his 2009 release: Jennifer’s Body.  Being a cinematographer is hard work. According to Wikipedia, “The title is generally equivalent to director of photography (DP), used to designate a chief over the camera and lighting crews working on a film, responsible for achieving artistic and technical decisions related to the image.”  So, when you see something beautiful on the screen, don’t thank the director, thank the cinematographer!  In Jennifer’s Body we got two moments of beauté (that’s French for “beauty”): A make out scene with Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried and a topless Megan Fox — you, Mr. Mullen, are a master of your craft.  Now please understand, I still think Ms. Fox is a moronic piece of white-trash, but she is an extremely hot, moronic piece of white-trash, so there you go.

Best Director:  Zach Snyder

But, where’d he get the mask?

Fuck the haters.  I know he took out the squid and I know that Watchmen is still a better book than movie, but here’s the bottom line:  Zach Snyder took what was, for all intensive purposes, Hollywood’s wetdream/nightmare property and made a damned fine film.  It’s beautiful.  It’s as true as we can hope for any comic book ground through the Hollywood machine.  It gave us an awesome Rorschach.   And if you’ve seen the extended cut with the Curse of the Black Freighter woven throughout, it’s beautifully told cinema.  You can disagree with me (it wouldn’t be the first time), but Zach Snyder deserves a hearty bow-down from all you geeky bitches for pulling off one of the most difficult comic book franchises-to-film ever.  Even if you hate the film you must respect the doors he’s opened.

Best Film:  The Hangover

Really though, who hasn’t woken up with a tiger?

As Comedies go, I don’t ask for much — just make me laugh!  At some comedies I laugh a little, at others, I laugh a lot.  At The Hangover, I laughed my fucking ass off all three times I saw it!  The cast is perfect.  The humor is spot on.  It starts with funnies and never stops — I heard jokes for the first time on my third viewing because I had laughed through them the first two times.  Does this movie make me question what it is to be human?  No.  Am I a better person after seeing it?  Probably not in the existential sense.  But here’s why The Hangover is the BEST film of 2009: It was exactly what we needed — all of us.  2009 could’ve been better in a lot of ways.  I wanted escape.  I got a hilarious romp through the eyes of four not-all-too-smart guys in the land of hedonism and unadulterated pleasure.  I left the theater and I was genuinely happy, more than I can say for some animated/blue-people/depressing films I saw last year…  Oh yeah, and Mike Tyson was in it singing Phil Collins — automatic win.

That’s it kiddies.  Enjoy this Sunday (if you can).  Maybe next year we’ll see some actual talent get an award, like whoever stars in the Burton/Bekmambetov film coming out where President Lincoln fights vampires…

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

Back to Semantink

Hello all!  I was fortunate enough to join the Semantink boys on another convention outing yesterday back to Long Beach, for the Long beach Comic Expo!  The Long Beach Comic Con kicked off its first year just a few months ago, and a second year is coming in October, but the good people behind the LBC’s comic craze decided to give us a one day sort of midpoint break in patience.  While yesterday’s event was only a miniscule sampling of the glory that is the Long Beach Comic Con proper, it hailed a haughty list of talent:

• Amanda Dawn Wolf
• Bernie Wrightson
• Beth Sotelo
• Brian Haberlin
• Cat Staggs
• Christian Beranek
• Christian Meesey
• Chris Moreno
• Dan Brereton
• Dan Wickline
• Dan Taylor
• David Wohl
• Drew Johnson
• Dustin Nguyen
• Eddie Nuñez
• Eric Basaldua
• Eric Canete
• Frank Mastromauro
• Gus Vazquez
• J.T. Krul
• Jim Daly
• JJ Kirby
• Joe Benitez
• Joe Rubinstein
• Jordan Raskin
• Josh Dysart
• Lauren Perry
• Joshua Hale Fialkov
• Livio Ramondelli
• Lou Ferrigno
• Mark Dos Santos
• Mark Roslan
• Michael Lopez
• Naomi Baker
• Norm Rapmund
• Peter Steigerwald
• Philip Tan
• Ray-Anthony Height
• Richard Starkings
• Rick Basaldua
• Rob Levin
• Scott Lobdell
• Stan Sakai
• Steve Niles
• Tim Bradstreet
• Tim Vigil
• Todd Nauck
• Tone Rodriguez
• Tony DeZuniga
• Tony Fleecs
• Trent Kaniuga
• Trevor Goring
• Vince Hernandez
• Whilce Portacio

Sgt. Angle and Benjamin Glibert give R2 the “what’s-what.”

Ben, Sgt. Angle, Ash, Admiral Eo and I made our way up to Long Beach in the wee hours of Saturday morning and pushed through minimal traffic-resistance, arriving at the Convention Center just after doors opened at 10am.  We were greeted by a few cars resembling entertainment icons and pushed past a group of Clone Wars veterans into the expo.  Now this event was not in the main hall, as the convention was, but in a smaller room to the side of the main entrance — but it worked.  There was enough space to get around and sample each of the vendors/artists/writers/publisher’s tables without feeling to cramped.

Admiral Eo and James Ninness don’t mind Huey Lewis, but hate the News.

Once we had our wristbands, we leisurely strolled through the hubbub and ran into Mike Mignola and Steve Niles (both incredibly personable) — not a bad start.  After a very lovely discussion with Tone Rodriguez (who told me that he was in DEXTER, something I did not know), we spent the rest of the afternoon shopping.  One of the booths was selling everything at 40% off, so between the five of us, a few hundred dollars was spent and everybody went home with goodies galore.

Admiral Eo, James Ninness and Ash think Anakin acts like a girl.

Cosplay was ensuing, with quite a good many fantastic costumes, and a few not so good ones…  But it was great to see fans out in force, enjoying each others geekery.  While I wish that there was more, I understand that this was a $10.00, one day event and I’m not complaining, I just wish there was more to see or do.  There were no panels (understandable), no contests (again, understandable) and no incentive to stay after doing a couple laps around the showroom floor.  It was, as one would think it to be, simple.  We went, talked to some amazing people, met some courageous fans, and bought some fantastically priced merch — a fine time.

ZBladeXX scares Sgt. Angle

I look forward to the Con-proper in October (assuming I’m invited again) and have to hand it to the Long Beach organizers, MAD Event Management and the Long Beach Comic Convention, they made a lot of people very happy on an otherwise plain February afternoon — so a very special thanks to them!

Talk to you guys soon!

James Ninness

PS:  The response to MYTHOI has been overwhelming — thank you all!  I hope you continue to enjoy it!

You hoes knew this was coming.

Sgt. Angle asked me to write for him this week while he takes over a small country in the South Pacific so here I am.  Now I know Sgt. Angle usually writes about concepts or ideas in film-making, but that’s not what Mr. Wolff is about.  So today we’re going to talk about the movie on EVERYBODY’s top-ten list for last year: AVATAR.

One of my courtesans is a beautiful blond with a firm butt, a six pack and a rack to make babies drool — malady is gorgeous, to be sure.  She’s also incredibly intelligent; not smart, intelligent — there is a difference and we’ll get to that.  If my car needs fixing or one of my many cyborg parts breaks down, she can get in there and fix it something quick because she knows science.  The  only problem with this buxom beaut is that in all other areas of life she is a recycled cliche of just-forgotten plot lines and bad dialogue.  I love to lay with her, I appreciate her intelligence, but I would never call her awesome because she’s so fucking stupid.  Her name is AVATAR.

By now most of you probably know about AVATAR’s history.  Cameron found the script twelve or so years ago and held on to it because the technology wasn’t around to make the film he wanted to make.  Brilliant.  The patience paid off because this movie is nothing short of a visual masterpiece.  I thought I was crying both times I saw it, but I quickly realized that it wasn’t a stream of tears rolling down my face, no: my eyes were cumming.  The render time for the CG is incredible, something like a frame every 30–50 hours.  Think about that for a second.  Yeah.  Awesome.

Yes. I would have relations with an alien.

Okay, so it’s pretty.  Nobody in their right mind will debate that fact.  What else is impressive?  The science.  Cameron hired sombody to create a fucking language.  I hold little doubt that while perusing through the halls of the San Diego Comic Con this year I will see somebody dressed as a Na’vi kickin’ it with a Klingon while they trade secrets on how to learn fictional languages and preserve their virginity.  You know it’s going to happen.  I bet somebody is reading this right now, translating the whole blog into Na’vi just to spite me.  Translate this: You’re going to die alone.  I’ve come across a few articles (like this one and this one) that defend the science behind AVATAR and you know what?  I’m in.  Sure, the film (mostly) works on an intellectual level.  I think that’s pretty cool, so chalk up another point for AVATAR.

Now this is when things go south, quickly.  Let’s talk for a moment about the plot of AVATAR.  Ex-military guy with baggage befriends would-be, tree-hugging enemies until he finds himself more comfortable with them then with his own kind.  Oh, you mean Dances with Wolves? Um, no.  This film has mechanical soldiers and advanced technology, like futuristic style shit!  Oh!  Soldier with Kurt Russel? No no, you see this takes places in an exotic rainforesty setting.  Okay, like Ferngully: The Last Rain forest? The indigenous people are big and blue.  Oh.  Well that’s neat…

The plot is tired, unoriginal and reeks of other movies that were, in their time, more original.  The message of the film is a bit more complex.  Some people say it’s anti-war.  Others are claiming it’s an environmental preservation piece.  Still some claim that it is all about cultural acceptance.  Well, I say it’s about all that without being about any of it specifically.  I think the fact that the film so vaguely clings to a message persay is both admirable and deplorable.  Admirable that it seems to serve more to entertain than to preach, and deplorable in its ambiguity so that people can attach their own agendas and claim camaraderie with the film itself.  I’m reminded of a politician who will avoid definite answers in order to capture votes from both sides.  AVATAR, you dirty Demopublican bitch!

The writing overall is just, well, bad.  The dialogue is comes off as half-cocked and ill-improvised in several moments, which, to be fair, could be to do with the actor’s delivery (when Michelle Rodriguez uses a big word like “martyrdom” I know immediately she’s acting and it takes me out of the film).  Then there were the plants and payoffs: predictable and poorly implemented.  When [SPOILER ALERT] Sigourney’s character fails to fuse with her Na’vi hybrid and dies I wondered, couldn’t our hero do that?  And guess what?  He totally did — shocker!  When we are told about the union of Na’vi through the Last Shadow Rider, I thought, well hell, I wonder if we’re gonna need to unite some bitches.  And when we did need to unite, guess what happened?  Our hero rode the Last Shadow!  Oh Shnap, didn’t see that coming did you?  [END SPOILER AND SARCASTIC SURPRISE]

I think it’s worth mentioning that James Cameron is brilliant.  Yeah, I said it: Brilliant.  The man has revolutionized cinema several times: Terminator 2 anyone?  The Abyss?  Titanic?  I don’t want you to think I’m anti-Cameron.  You see, I’m actually just anti-good-directors-forgetting-about-directing-a-film-in-an-effort-to-break-ground.  That’s all.

So here’s my final judgment:  Avatar is a very pretty, very intelligent retard of a film, like a hot autistic chick that has no business in the company of greater films like The Hurt Locker or Let The Right One In.  Go see it and be impressed (either 2D or 3D will do), but ask your local theater manager to do you a favor: mute it.

Mr. Wolff

PS: We might get some hardcore Na’vi action on the DVD!

PPSS: PAPYRUS is the SHITTIEST FONT EVER!  Bad choice Cameron, bad choice.

Back to Semantink

Last week Sgt. Angle posted a report on remakes in Hollywood.  After unleashing some argument against most remakes he said, “here’s the part of the post where I could allow Mr. Wolff to overtake my bearings, to guide my hand on a rant of self-assured righteousness about the negativity of remakes on originality in Hollywood; on the lack of a truly creative, unique film; on a general disregard and disrespect for the American moviegoers who pay $6 for popcorn and pick their teeth through the opening credits while talking on their cell phones, and who refuse to stay for a movie with subtitles. But I won’t go there.”

So I will.

Today I’m going to discuss (and by discuss I mean write without the ability to listen to you): (1) the negativity of remakes on originality in Hollywood; (2) the lack of truly creative and unique films; (3) my general disregard and disrespect for the American moviegoer who is willing to pay $6 bucks for popcorn and pick their their teeth through the opening credits while talking on their cellphones, and who refuse to stay for a movie with subtitles.  If you fit into any of those categories, then this blog is a hearty, ball-grabbing, spit-chucking, noogie-filled “fuck you.”

Remakes, in and of themselves are not a problem to me.  Clash of the Titans is coming out and I greatly desire to see  it.  Twelve Monkeys was technically a remake, an expansion if nothing more, and that got me giggling like a schoolboy in a priest’s arms. Even The Departed and Ocean’s 11 were done once before and I have no problem there.  To show you what’s wrong with remakes, I’m going to unveil a few that make a Sarlacc vomit:  Planet of the Apes, Shaft, Psycho…  You seeing a trend?  None of these “remakes” did anything to improve upon the first.  Movies like The Departed and Twelve Monkeys took foreign brilliance and made them digestible for Americans (something we’ll address in a moment), while Ocean’s 11 took a premise of cool and allowed for a superior troupe of actors to have a good time (and if you think the original actors were superior, you should be mauled by this).  And in all three of those films, the directors were allowed to add their own flair to the piece, making it truly “their own.”  Remakes like Planet of the Apes, which definitely reeked of Burton, distanced themselves so much from the original that fans forgot the first — this is a bad thing when the movie your presenting can’t stand on it’s own two feet as anything but a remake.  So, with films like The Amityville Horror remake being remade not four years after the last was buried, do yourselves a favor America: stay at home.  Force the studios to put out GOOD FUCKING MOVIES, remake or no.  I promise, if you stop paying to stare at shit on a wall for two hours, the studios will stop putting it out, which brings me to my next point…

A note to Hollywood:  Some of you are trying new things, putting out original work and blowing my mind.  Peter Jackson, David Fincher, James Cameron, Sam Raimi — keep it up.  But some of you, some of you assholes insist on creating tripe that makes money off of stupid people again and again.  You may be thinking, “What?  Surely not me!”  Well, if you’re name is Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence or Ashton Kutcher, or if you have worked with any of those wastes of DNA, then yes, I’m talking to you.  There are many, many more than those three in Hollywood that insist on rehashing tired, used and overly obvious plot devices, actors and storylines in order to make a quick buck, but I feel you should know that you’re not fooling anyone.  You may make a ton of money, fine.  You may have sex with supermodels, sure.  But 99% of the WORLD thinks you’re a talentless douchebag and we’d really like you to stop breathing, or at least making movies.  Seriously.

Fucking Seriously.

Now, to address the final point: The American Moviegoers.  Let’s start with the asshole who goes to movies as if they are his own stage, making fart sounds, talking on his cell phone, or unleashing a series of bad jokes to impress his ugly girlfriend or adolescent friends who really wouldn’t like him if he didn’t have a “sweet ride”: You are a fucking idiot.  If you make one more off the cuff remark while I try to watch The Road, I swear to God in heaven that I am going to kick your balls so hard, they break you teeth when they shoot out your mouth.  You’re not funny and your dick is small.  To the rest of you retards too dumb to read subtitles, why are you in a movie theater?  Go back to school you igna’nt piece of shit, or, better yet, go find a nomadic group of cannibals and feed yourself to them, at least then you would have served some purpose.  If you don’t like a movie, that’s fine.  We’ve all seen some very legitimate pieces of crap, but shut up until the movie is over or leave.  Seriously.  It’s not funny and you make me wish I had herpes so I could teabag you in front of everyone.

Short and sweet this week.  More “rant” than style, but hey, it’s my blog.  And to Sgt. Angle: My righteousness is not self-assured, your mom told me.

Til next time,

Mr. Wolff

PS: I realize there were no fun photos or videos, so here’s a video of a chubchub breaking his Wii on Christmas.