Sgt. Angle Reporting for Duty!

At ease.

The big movie news this week is not that Gary Oldman failed to extract the ending to The Dark Knight Rises from Christopher Nolan’s head, or that Edgar Wright came away with the award for Best Comedy Director — Film for Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World at the first Comedy Awards.

No no, soldiers, the story of the week is that Amy Adams, the wonderful perky, pretty, and thrice Oscar-nominated actress, has been cast in the role of Lois Lane in Zack Snyder’s SuckerPunch Superman: Man of Steel (rumored title).

Now, I’m not the biggest SuperGeek on the planet, but I for one wholly support this casting. Not only is Amy Adams young and perky and brilliant with dark emotion and a sense of humor, but as she showed us in The Fighter she can come off abrasive and strong without “kicking ass.” Lois Lane, in my few experiences, represents the kind of woman that’s head-strong yet vulnerable because of her dedicated curiosity and need to report the truth. She should be played by someone just out of their twenties, not “beautiful” but just a touch above pretty, smart yet flighty in social situations. Most of all, she should be a red-head, because the hair truly makes the woman.

Of course, I’m only joking about that last part, but that’s the kind of superficial attitude needs to be avoided here. There’s nothing that’s wrong with Amy Adams’ appearance, as you can see here:

And hey, there’s always hair-dye. But she’s a strong actress who hasn’t performed badly in a bad movie yet, to my knowledge, so her presence, along with Kevin Costner, certainly adds some artistic merit to the Superman project, something much-needed in light of Snyder’s critically panned Sucker Punch.

Adams and the always graceful Diane Lane will make Superman truly a rock hard man (of steel).

The latest on other Superman rumors include: Viggo Mortenson will NOT be in the movie. Michael Shannon and Edgar Ramirez are being considered, but for which roles it remains unclear.

Oh, and just this morning tidbit dropped from WB Executive Jeff Robinov to the LA Times: “He’s then aiming to release new “Batman” and “Superman” films in 2012 and “Justice League,” a teaming of DC’s top heroes, in 2013.” Batman and Superman we already know of as Chris Nolan and Zack Snyder’s, respectively, but Justice League? While the original attempt died a few years back, a new revival of the younger DC favorites might be coming to us just in time. When the current Batman trilogy finishes up, instead of brand new reboots and adventures, we delve into a younger version, thus justifying any continuity changes.

Your thoughts?

Until next time, when I’m sure another 600 Dark Knight Rises rumors will…rise…you are dismissed!

Sgt. Angle

Hey Students,

This week, I thought I’d focus in on an interesting story that developed regarding an unidentified missile launch off the coast of California. Here’s the link for the story. There are several competing thoughts on this story, and the most probable is that this missile launch was a show of strength for the Asian superpower communities. This is very likely, but it is interesting that this launch was unannounced and remains unconfirmed. Some of the competing theories are that this missile was launched by a third party operating off the coast of California. Another is that the missile test was unplanned and was the result of a mechanical malfunction. Though the latter two cases are unlikely, they cannot be ruled out. So what do we make of this? If they are a third party, then they are capable of deploying a missile launching device under-water. If the missile was launched by a malfunction, then the terminator Skynet plot might be frighteningly more accurate than we thought.

There is a video update by CBS news that is trying to state that this was not a missile. They are not sure what it was, but they seem surprisingly certain that this UFO (it really is an unidentified flying object…for real) is not a missile; they can’t tell you what this launch actually was, but they are sure that it wasn’t a missile apparently. Here’s the video that claims that.

Here’s another video that shows the footage of the missile launching as well as some discussion about the lack of knowledge and the possibility that the missile was an unplanned launch from the US government:

So what are we to think? Either way it seems you slice it, there is still an element of the unknown. What is worse, I believe that this story will quickly fall back into the darkness of obscurity without a whole lot of inquiry. The likelihood that someone is able to launch an unidentified jet object from the ground without any kind of tracking or radio is incredibly unlikely. Though the government analysts report that the plume of this object does not resemble any kind of missile, no one is offering any objective information about what this object actually is. There are many spoofs out there, my favorite so far being the racketeer photo-shopped into the plume. But the fact that these spoofs are out there indicates that there is some anxiety about what this could actually be. Another thought that was raised by the video claiming that this plume did not result for a missile is that it is someone utilizing a homemade rocket that could propel them into the atmosphere, but that scenario raises even more questions: why isn’t there some kind of record of the launch from some sort of airport? Why does the rocket seem to emanate from the ocean? If the US government did not launch the object, what leads them to believe that other nations did not launch them, either? Are there private parties that are developing the ability to break free from the Earth’s orbit? Are there private parties operating in space? These are just a few of the questions plaguing me about this issue, but I’m sure there are a few more out there, that I haven’t considered. The truth is that, at the moment, there is no concrete information about this obviously terrestrially launched object, and that is scary.

That’s all for this week, but next week, I’ll explore the possibility of an elite group of society that just might have the resources, intelligence, and impunity to circumvent dominant government powers in doing whatever the hell they want. Class dismissed.

Good Morning Semantinkers!

First, I want to say how excited I am about our first trade paperback, MYTHOI Book 1: Birth being released tomorrow! It looks great, and for those who have ordered your copy, you will not be disappointed. Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, let’s move on shall we? The other night I was reading through my STARMAN omnibi (I think thats the plural of omnibus) and came across the magnificent HELLBOY/BATMAN/ STARMAN crossover at the end of omnibus #4. I know what you are thinking, “Why were you reading STARMAN again? You read that book too much!” Well let me just say that some books are always going to kick ass, no matter how many times you read them (like, oh, say MYTHOI). However, I digress. Reading the crossover got me to thinking about how much I used to really love the inter-company crossover event, so today I am going to share my favorite crossover books.

Hellboy/Batman/ Starman: This crossover is just straight up fun. James Robinson (writer of STARMAN at the time) wrote this two-parter, with Mike Mignola (HELLBOY creator) providing the art. If you love angry ancient gods, witty dialogue, mystically powered super-Nazis, moody art, towns with large telescopes pointed at them, or random super-teamups, then you should definitely give this book a look.

Spider-man/ Batman: To be fair, I haven’t read this book in a few years, but I have fond memories of it. THere were actually two SPIDERMAN/ BATMAN crossovers that I know of, but the one that I am speaking of here was titled “Disordered Minds” and featured Spidey and Bats taking on The Joker and Carnage. The creative team was J.M. DeMatteis and Mark Bagley (who really should be considered as one of the seminal SPIDER-MAN artists). At the time I thought this one was dark and moody and cool. I’m afraid if I go back and re-read it I will be disappointed.

X-Men/ Teen Titans: This comic actually got me into X-men and the Teen Titans as a kid (well this and the “Pryde of the X-men” cartoon I got from Pizza Hut with Aussie Wolverine). Chris Claremont channeled his inner Marv Wolfman (TEEN TITANS writer at the time) and the always amazing Walt Simonson made both teams look amazing. This was a case of two books in their prime meshing perfectly. Darkside hunting for the phoenix force? Awesome. Wolverine vs. Deathstroke? Whatever is better than awesome, that’s what it was. Today, the book is somewhat dated, but still a fun and nostalgic read.

WildC.A.T.s/ Aliens: This one gets a mention for the sheer fact that I can’t think of another crossover that actually led to proper comic book continuity being effected. In the story (penned by Warren Ellis with art by Chris Sprouse), Aliens wind up on the Stormwatch space station and wreck house, only to be stopped by the WildC.A.T.s . Without this crossover, we never would have gotten THE AUTHORITY. So thank you Aliens, without your acid blood and face-hugging love, we might never have gotten one of the greatest comics of the last 20 years.

Batman/ The Darkness: You might notice that there are a ton of Batman-centric crossovers on this list. Why? Because they just seem to be the best. Deal With it. This one makes the list because David Finch and Marc Silvestri both draw a crazy good Batman AND an even better Darkness. The story is “meh” (Jeph Loeb and Scott Lobdell aren’t Alan Moore) but damn is it pretty.

Batman/ Planetary: Probably the best book on the list. This one shot from the regular PLANETARY team of Warren Ellis and John Cassaday chasing after a guy who can’t control his rather violent ability to change reality around himself. The hunt happens in Gotham City, so when the reality shifting guy starts to freak out and change reality, we get to see the Planetary team square off against several versions of Batman, including “Dark Knight Returns” Bats, “Adam West” Bats, and super-futuristic Batman. This is actually still available in the PLANETARY trade “Crossing Worlds”, so pick this up if you get a chance.

Spawn & Cerebus: Macabre and magnificent all at once, this special early issue of spawn was actually guest written by CEREBUS creator Dave Sim. In the book, Cerebus shows Spawn the “Hell of Comic Book Characters”. It’s basically a poke at Marvel and DC, but how can you go wrong with a Sim/ Todd McFarlane team up?

Superman/ Muhammad Ali: This isn’t really an inter-company crossover so much as an inter-awesome crossover. Denny O’Neil and Neal Adams (heavyweights in their own right) put together this titanic tale of triumph. The art is beautiful, and some of the script must have been written by Ali himself (“It’s the sweet Science, and I’m the professor!” “Im gonna whup him and spank him!”).  If you ever get a chance to check this one out, do yourself a favor and do so.

That’s it for today folks. If I missed your favorite crossover, please share! Did you love Darkseid vs. Galactus? Have a soft spot for Cyberfrog vs. Creed? Still have your signed copy of Warrior Nun Areala/Avengelyne? Let me know. Thanks for stopping in, and if you haven’t reserved your copy of the MYTHOI Book 1: Birth TPB yet, do so now! Oh, and make sure you cruise on over to entertheletters.com to play our MYTHOI BIRTH game. Great prizes await the winner!  Ill see you all next week!

Greetings readers!

Usually when I sit down to figure out my weekly blog, it takes me a while to scan through the world of comics and find my inspiration. As I was perusing the usual places, it slowly dawned on me that there is an inordinate amount of comic related madness out and about this week. From strange to silly to triflin’, the comic book news cycle was just a bit off. Don’t believe me? Let me share a few tidbits with you:

Lil Obama? A while back, Image comics and Robert Kirkman put out some pretty hilarious teaser images poking fun at Marvel’s AVENGERS promo for the upcoming GUARDIANS OF THE GLOBE book. The images depicted increasingly ridiculous characters joining the team, from Spawn to Barack Obama, to a very Harry Potter-like child (you can check em out here). Well, it turns out that these images were so popular that Image will now feature the team in a series of one page back up stories. The characters will also be cute-ified, as you can see from the cover above. When I saw this, I couldn’t help but think, “Why?” Was the world calling for lil’ Spawn? You can get the official press release over at Image’s Website.

IRON MAN double dipping? Last Friday, Marvel Comics announced that on June 30th INVINCIBLE IRON MAN ANNUAL #1 would be released simultaneously in comic book stores and on their ipad/iphone/ipod app, the first comic to be released in such a fashion. I know that Marvel has been on the forefront of digital distribution, and that your average digital reader might not be your average LCS shopper, but doesn’t this seem kind of, I don’t know, ho-ish? When I read this, I just felt bad for the comic shop guys. Yes, it’s only one comic, but it is still money out of retailer pockets. I guess I’m just amazed that Marvel would treat retailers (who kept them in business through many a rough year) with such disdain. Boo to you Marvel. You can read the press release on Newsarama.

X-men vs. vampires? Sticking with Marvel, the X-franchise has a new issue #1 coming out, with the mighty mutants taking on… vampires? I’m taken aback. Admittedly, I haven’t read an X-book in a little while, but doesn’t this seem kind of out of left field? Out of all the characters in the Marvel U, the X-men don’t really seem like the group to go undead hunting. There’s preview art for you if you are into that sort of thing over at Marvel.

90s trading cards? I came across this small piece of madness over on Comics Alliance and it boggled my mind. For those who don’t feel like following links, let me sum up; in the 1990’s Eclipse Entertainment actually made trading cards for comic book creators. Not characters, creators. Now, I think it’s great that Jack Kirby got his own trading card, but Shirtless McFarlane in the skinny jeans? No, with a side of no. I have often harped on the silliness of the 1990’s comic book scene, and this just proves me right. (On a side note, if you do click over to the main article, how scary is the resemblance between Clive Barker and Adam Sandler?)

World Record? Last week Melbourne, Australia broke the Guinness world record for… get ready for it… “largest number of people in superhero costumes gathered in one place”. That’s got to be one of the strangest world records I’ve ever heard of that didn’t involve some sort of bodily growth. The Aussies snagged the record with a whopping 1245 people in costume, beating previous record holder London, England by a scant 154 people (only one week after London had gained the title). Thanks again to Comics Alliance for filling me in on the craziness.

Super-Dwight? Yesterday, Adidas announced that they would team with Warner Brothers to produce a line of shoes and Apparel featuring Superman and Orlando Magic Center Dwight Howard (pictured above). I’m all for cross-promotion, but what Brad Globe of Warner Bros. had a quote in the article that made me groan. I’m sure you want to see the quote:

“Superman is the universal symbol of strength and speed, not to mention he has one heck of a vertical leap. Dwight’s super heroic feats on the court make this partnership with Adidas an ideal collaboration for basketball and comic book fans alike.”

The article goes on to talk about the history of Superman and the achievements of Howard. The more I read, the odder the pairing seemed. That being said, more power to DC and Warner Bros. for pimping out Supes like a cheap trick, he needed to be taken down a notch. Thanks to comic book resources for the story.

CSI: Mortal Kombat? Weird can work sometimes though as well. If you haven’t seen it yet, check out this re-imagining of Mortal Kombat:

Pretty interesting. This short was put together in the hopes of landing a full length feature, and while parts of it are kind of silly (a former plastic surgeon becomes a martial arts master?), it seems like a shot in the arm for what has become a tired franchise. Given that my only memory of the original Mortal Kombat movie is laughing at Christopher Lambert as a lightning god, I’m rooting for this one to get made.

So, as you can see, it was an odd week for comic book news. Thanks for letting me rant, folks. Check back in tomorrow for the latest from Dr. Cellus. Have a great Thursday!

In a failing effort to stay aware of what’s “cool” and “hip” in the world today, I will often peruse the internets seeking out lists and articles detailing attention-grabbing trends.  One of the key sites I use to help aim my age-defying quest is Digg.com.  The way Digg works is simple: a user submits an article, video or picture they find on the web.  That item is placed out for the public consumption of other users, voted upon and (if it acquires enough votes) placed on the Top Topic area on the right side of the site.  It’s a great way to find out what people (or at least Diggers) are paying attention to, and it changes often.  You can even break things down by category, which I do.  I most frequently visit the Entertainment>Comics section (automatically veering away from what’s “cool,” and hindering my mission) to see what the most recent hubbub is all about.

The other day I was stalking my ex-girlfriends on Facebook clicking/browsing aimlessly and ran across a most offensive article on Digg that attempted to define twelve superheroes that are “Actually Assholes.”  What I found offensive wasn’t the content per say, but the overall shittiness of the article itself.  The piece, published by PopCrunch (a wannabe and far inferior Cracked.com), claims to reveal the assholish nature of the following “heroes”:  The Punisher, Batman, Guy Gardener, Tony Stark, Hancock, Gambit, Booster Gold, The Comedian, Superman, The Incredible Hulk, The Green Lantern and The Suicide Squad.  Now I agree that some of those characters are, in fact assholes, others have even acted in assholery from time to time, but most of them are definitely not and the article fails to prove its point with poorly written bios and half-cocked accusations.  Forgetting the fact that the article reads like it was written by a “special”-helmet-wearing fun-nazi, the entire thing reeks of somebody who doesn’t know anything about comics writing about it as a trend, not a passion.

So, in an attempt to add some depth to the poorly produced tripe I am going to dive back into the source material and determine whether or not these characters really are assholes.  I’m no English Major, so I’m not claiming to produce any glowing examples of grammar, syntax or diction use, but I do like comics.  I’m not going to get too detailed because any one of these character could warrant a 100 page college thesis in and of themselves, but I’ll try to hit the finer points.  So, without any further adieu:  A Real Analysis of PopCrunch’s list of 12 Superhero Assholes, Which Could Have Been Avoided If The Author Had A Clue In The First Place.

Before we get into the characters themselves, I think it is important to define, “asshole.”  Let’s get crazy and try Dictionary.com: “A stupid, mean, or contemptible person.”  Okay, fair enough.  I know you brilliant minds understand stupid and mean, but for the sake of tenacity, let’s define contemptible:  despicable.

Got it.  I think we’re ready now…

The Punisher

Frank Castle is more often than not considered nucking futs, though to the contrary he “tests so sane it’s scary” (The Punisher Limited Series #1, 1986).  So I am unable to use the insanity plea to keep Frank’s head off of the asshole chopping block.  The PopCrunch article (I think) says he is an asshole because he uses “kidnapping, extortion and murder.”  Well, yeah.  While he is far from stupid, The Punisher has a very serious mean streak, but not towards anyone who didn’t deserve it, and I think it’s a fair assumption to make that most people would find his methods despicable (like Captain America in Civil War who makes the mistake of calling Frank “insane”). Yes, I guess The Punisher is an asshole, but is anyone really surprised?  Good call PopCrunch — that’s like claiming Paris Hilton is an idiot.

Batman

Batman is a vigilante, but that in and of itself does not make him an asshole.  PopCrunch claims, “he would race down a city street in the Batmobile, endangering people’s lives and blowing up cars with errant use of his car’s weaponry and not even batting an eye about it” (I know it hurts to read, but stay with me).  First of all, Batman does not use his car’s weaponry with errant disregard — have you ever read a Batman book?  Nothing he does is errant.  Or, maybe, you don’t know what errant means…  Well let me help.  When Batman uses his weaponry it is never in deviation from his proper course.  Now does he take liberties beyond the law?  Yes.  That’s what makes him a fucking vigilante.  Is he stupid?  Far from it.  Is he mean?  No.  That’s right, no.  Sure, he may bash up bad guys, but that doesn’t make him a mean person.  That makes him good at his job.  Is Batman despicable?  Absolutely not.  As far as Gotham’s concerned he’s a miracle and has saved more lives than Penicillin.  Verdict = Batman is not an asshole.

Guy Gardner

For Guy Gardner I am not going to go through his abusive childhood, nor am I going to reference the time period where Guy was a social worker and then a special ed teacher.  No.  I am simply going to rebuke PopCrunch’s claim on this one.  According to them, Guy is an asshole because he made “a dick-move and challenged Batman to a fistfight, during which Batman basically one-punched him just to shut him up. After that, Guy was all about arguing with his fellow JLI mates until one day he quit due to being ‘belittled’ by Superman” (damn it hurts to read).  Okay, so there was an incident (several actually) where Guy let his personal issues rise to the surface and he made some bad decisions, does that make him an asshole?  Do you know anything about Guy or did you just read the first few paragraphs of his Wikipedia entry?  Let’s see…  Stupid?  Dense maybe, but not stupid.  Mean?  Sometimes, but overall Guy fights for what’s right so I would prefer to describe him as “tightly-wound,” and, “often mislead.”  But I could see the argument going either way.  Dispicable?  Hardly.  The verdict here is up to your interpretation I suppose, but I for one am going to say no, Guy Gardner is not an asshole.  Kind of a dick though…

Tony Stark

I’m going to give PopCrunch the benefit of the doubt here and assume they meant Iron Man, since they did not label Batman as Bruce Wayne.  I may be wrong and it is possible that PopCrunch thinks Tony is a hero sans the suit, but I choose to believe otherwise.  The closest thing to an accusation I can find in my target-article is the following, “What really makes Tony Stark an admirable asshole is the fact that he has continued to roll out products for profit” (let’s just ignore the contradiction between admirable and despicable).  There is no mention of Tony’s drinking or womanizing, just his company’s profit…  Okay then.  Tony is not mean, he is not despicable and he’s the farthest thing from stupid on this list.  Iron Man/Tony Stark = not an asshole.  Perhaps drunken slut is a better label.

Hancock

I’m sure the brilliant minds behind PopCrunch’s list didn’t mean to make this list comic books exclusive, despite the category they chose to place it under on Digg, but let me clear something up for the confused:  Hancock was not a comic book.  It was a movie first and foremost (I choose not to acknowledge the comics released after the film).  PopCrunch’s description of Hancock as an asshole claims, “he always seems to find himself reverting back to the same old self-destructive bad attitude.”  Not true.  Try watching the whole movie, no matter how much it sucked.  Is Hancock an asshole?  Who gives a shit?  It’s a Will Smith movie…

Gambit

“Turning against the X-Men crew and being generally delinquent define the latter part of his career made him a real asshole” — PopCrunch, do you write in another language and use Babelfish to translate from your native tongue?  While I hate your grammar, I agree that Gambit is, in fact, an asshole.  Is he stupid?  Yeah, kind of.  This guy goes back and forth between groups looking for acceptance, love or a way to forget the things he’s done.  Mean?  He has been.  The truth is that Gambit has had so many different versions of himself that I’m no to sure of which one I should be judging.  Despicable?  Sometimes.  The guy was raised a thief and did some pretty silly things for a paycheck…  I would say that an argument could be made defending Gambit from the title “asshole,” but really, who cares?

Booster Gold

The best superheroes are the ones with character arcs that take them from ignorant to self-aware.  Superpowers, in and of themselves, have become insufficient for quality comic book writing.  The reader has grown and requires substantial development in a character that they will invest their time in.  Such is the case with Booster Gold.  Michael Jon Carter (Booster Gold, Booster, Goldstar) was a football star turned nothing when he was busted for throwing games under the guidance of his deadbeat dad — in the 25th century!  Michael worked in a museum and learned about 20th century heroes, then used some of the exhibits to give himself abilities and travel back in time.   Once in the past, Booster used his knowledge of past events (specifically an attack on President Reagan) to gain popularity and earn millions.  But here’s the thing:  Booster had quite an extensive fall from grace including the deaths of those closest to him and the loss of everything he held dear.  Thus the arrogant would-be hero became one of the champions of several series including Infinite Crisis and 52.  Douchebag?  Sure.  Asshole?  I think not.

The Comedian

There is no way for me to defend this one…  The Comedian is a rapist, a murderer and an all-out asshole.  No.  I take that back.  He’s the asshole superhero.  The Comedian is an asshole that shits out other assholes.  All assholes bow down and worship him as the almighty asshole and light their farts in his honor.  I do disagree with PopCrunch on one point…  “What makes the Comedian borderline evil is his willingness to murder anyone he wants with no remorse.”  Yeah.  I’d say that “murdering anyone without remorse” makes one slightly more than “borderline” evil.  Oh PopCrunch, I bet you guys voted for Bush, huh?  I’m not judging — I can just tell…

Superman

Let me start my defense of Superman with a hearty “fuck you” to anyone claiming he’s an asshole.  This is the Superhero.  I’m not even a big Superman fan, but I would never try to defend the position taken by PopCrunch and the inept writer of the article in question.  Stupid?  No.  Mean?  Not in the slightest.  Despicable?  Please.  So why did PopCrunch call the single greatest icon of comics such a derogatory anus?  Well, first they noted that he can only be killed by a rare rock from his planet (I guess invulnerability makes you an asshole).  Then they threw out this little nugget of how-not-to-write, “Additionally, Superman has some other issues – split personality, girl problems, and lets not forget about the fact that he’s an alien. Superman is not incredibly helpful in society.”  Wow.  Just — wow.  Has Superman had issues?  Yes.  That tends to happen in the DCU.  But claiming assholery for being an alien?  Xenophobia much?  And he’s not “incredibly helpful in society?”  You’re an idiot.

The Incredible Hulk

Calling the Incredible Hulk and asshole is like calling a 12 year old with cerebral palsy “lazy” for not doing jump-n-jacks with the rest of the PE class.  “He gets himself into ridiculous predicaments and causes a great deal of grief to the public, mainly through unnecessary destruction of property.”  I’m sorry, but the guy just wants to be left alone!  I will not call the Hulk an asshole because 9 times out of 10 he is a reaction to something — never the instigator.  The Hulk is not mean, just stressed out!  The Hulk was kind of stupid, so I could see a great case being made there, although of late he seems more than capable (Planet Hulk anyone?).  And I could see some people calling him despicable but I would disagree.  I think he’s a sad case of misunderstanding.  Stan Lee said it best, “I combined Jekyll and Hyde with Frankenstein,” he explains, “and I got myself the monster I wanted, who was really good, but nobody knew it. He was also somebody who could change from a normal man into a monster, and lo, a legend was born. I had always loved the old movie Frankenstein. And it seemed to me that the monster, played by Boris Karloff, wasn’t really a bad guy. He was the good guy. He didn’t want to hurt anybody. It’s just those idiots with torches kept running up and down the mountains, chasing him and getting him angry. And I thought, ‘Wouldn’t it be fun to create a monster and make him the good guy?’”

The Green Lantern

I know what you’re thinking, “Didn’t we already cover this with Guy Gardner?”  Well, yes.  But the uncontainable genius at PopCrunch either forgot that Guy was the Green Lantern, or perhaps they mean to infer that all Green Lanterns are assholes?  I don’t really know.  But in the description on their site they reference only Hal Jordan, so let’s just play with that, shall we?  This will be quick…  Hal Jordan as Parallax is the example PopCrunch uses to make “Green Lantern” out to be an asshole.  Parallax is not Hal Jordan.  Parallax is a villain and more often than not, he acts like an asshole.  Hal Jordan is not an asshole.  PopCrunch, please never reveal your lack of knowledge again by refraining from ever writing another comic blog.  Please.  It hurts.  Please…

The Suicide Squad

In its original incarnation, the Suicide Squad was a group of non-superpowered heroes who fought powerful villains, putting their lives on the line for our county.  What jerks, right?  Later, as the series evolved, the group rotated villains who went on “suicide missions” in exchange for early release from prison, ala Dirty Dozen.  It is this concept that is attacked by PopCrunch, “If they were truly superheroes, and not assholes, they wouldn’t accept bribes in exchange for dirty work.”  Once again PopCrunch, you have confused the good guys with the bad guys.  And calling the opportunity for early release a “bribe” shows a serious level of confusion on your part that has not been unclear during your entire article.  To be crystal:  Typically villains = assholes.  It kind of works that way…

That’s it.  Those are the twelve “assholes” from PopCrunch.  The point of this article was not to berate PopCrunch, but to enlighten them.  Comic books are vast and layered, and if you’re going to write about them, try to know what the fuck your talking about.  In life, as a general rule of thumb, you shouldn’t speak of things you nothing about — it’s better to listen at those moments.  For example, you obviously know very little about comics which means you should read more, then write about the characters therein.  And I know quite a bit about being an asshole, making this article perfectly suited for me.

Get it?

Mr. Wolff

PS: If you haven’t checked out the free issue of MYTHOI from James and Jed, you’re missing out.  Click here to check it out now (did I mention it is FREE?)!

Want to read more?  Head over to Semantink for other blogs, writers and good times…

Greetings all!

As Mr. Wolff so eloquently pointed out yesterday, Halloween is fast approaching. The time for dressing up and garnering free candy for yourself is indeed at hand. Everybody loves free candy right?

With that in mind, I have a special Halloween-themed list for today. Now, you could make a case that in super-hero comics, everyday is Halloween, but there have been special occasions throughout the years where these characters have decided that the usual spandex just isn’t enough, and another costume must be donned. Today’s list is ten super-people who have had their own, special, Halloween parties. Let the fun begin!

1) Batman dresses up as Dracula: This one makes a whole lot of sense. Batman dresses up like a bat, Dracula turns into a bat. Ok, so there was a story behind this, but it was as simple as “Batman gets bit by a vampire, and gets exrta creepy”. Presto! Sparkle magic Batman!

2) The Punisher dresses up as Boo-Berry (?): Ok, Frank might not have dressed up like the weird ghost thing that hocks cereal, but he wasn’t far off. At one point The Punisher dies, only to come back as a ghost hunting ghost. Like a sell-out Ghostbuster. Boo to you Frank.

3) The Marvel universe dresses up as Zombies: Zombies are hot right now, so why not have a comic where everyone is a zombie? This is why Marvel sells more books than anyone.

4) The Thing dresses up as a pirate: What would you do if you were made of rock and wanted to fit in? Would you go back in time, don a fake beard and play pirate? If you were The Thing you would. Strong work Benjy!

5) The X-men dress up as aliens: So the X-men didn’t dress up as aliens so much as get infected and turn into aliens, but you get the drift. Work with me here.

6) Spider-man dresses up as a Transformer (several times!): Spidey has a serious Transformer fetish. Every few years, he decides to try out a new robo-costume, each one as more suck-tacular then the last.

7) Kang dresses up as a pharaoh: The dapper gent with the blue face is Kang, a man from the future with an invisible chair. What does Kang do with his vast technological superiority, time travel skills, and nifty costume? He dresses up like a Pharaoh, goes back to ancient Egypt, and hopes that no one notices he is the only white guy for miles around. Oh Kang, you silly beotch.

Superman dresses up as a communist: In an Elseworlds special called RED SON, Superman lands in communist Russia instead of America. The big difference between worlds? Superman wears drab clothing. And probably has to share his super-powers with everyone.

9) Speedball dresses up like an S&M creeper: For those that don’t know who Speedball is, he’s the rather silly looking man with the bubble trail. Well, a while back, Speedball felt rather contrite about some shenanigans he had gotten into and decided that the best way to pay for his sins was to dress up like a human pin cushion. Good choice Speedy!

10) Power Man dresses up like a Pretty, Pretty, Princess: Luke Cage. The baddest bad man on the streets. Superfly wishes he were this cool. Shaft dreams of being Power Man. Sho Nuff (The shogun of Harlem) has nightmares about getting his @$$ kicked somethin’ fierce by the Hero for Hire. But no one can explain why this man wore a tiara, bracelets and and flowing shirt for over a decade.

That’s it for today folks, thanks for stopping in and have a great weekend!

Neil Patrick Harris did a great job at the Emmys.  Granted, I have never, not-once seen the Emmys before, but from what I hear, they usually suck.  Maybe not, but probably — most award shows do.  Regardless, I found Doogie quite entertaining and to me, the whole event was educational, as I have no idea who more than half the people who won are.  There was, however, one awkward moment where I found myself questioning all things right with the world: the reality TV segment.  I know that award shows often feel like Hollywood patting itself on the back, but giving time to “honor” the best in reality TV feels like Superman giving a keynote presentation on the awesome power of his Kryptonian erection to a group of male high school students, it’s just going to make everyone feel awkward and impotent, and it’s not really anything special, it’s just a matter of circumstance.  Superman (reality TV) didn’t do anything to earn his super-dick, he just happens to be at the right place at the right time, but there he goes, blabbering on about how awesome it is, and how his penis could puncture steel if improperly aroused.  I think I lost track of my metaphor somewhere…let’s back up a bit.

And Timmy went to his own fortress of solitude…

Reality TV has been around for a while, but the reality TV we know and love began as a result of the Writer’s Guild Strike of 1988.  Can you guess what show came out of that desperate need for programming?  COPS.  Quite frankly, I think COPS is awesome.  I love watching the crackheads, pimps, hos and drug dealers scramble and run around like animals in a zoo.  The only thing better than that is when we get to see white trash in some podunk town rolling around in his own feces holding tight to a six-pack of PBR screaming out about how much he loves his cousin.  Bless you COPS, bless you.  But COPS isn’t the type of reality TV I’m ’bout to get all flavors of rowdy on…

I blame Paula for this.

I understand the draw for some of these shows, I really do.  Take American Idol.  I know it’s fun for people to get together and vote on who they think is the best singer, essentially making that person rich off of their talent without having to work for it like other truly talented singers — it’s a god complex thing.  That’s cool.  But the problem is this:  Why is it that everyone from California to New York is all abuzz about Paula leaving as a judge and lesbEllen taking her place, when only 1/3 of the American population can name the three branches of our government?  I feel like every single fan of American Idol would live like the fat twats in WALL-E if they could, as long as they were given proper entertainment.

Like cattle…

How about Survivor?  I realize that the title is alluring to the fact that these people have to survive each other, and not the location they are in, but what the f*ck?  They won’t die and all they really do is bitch about each other the whole time.  If I wanted to be entertained by people fighting each other and talking sh*t behind each others backs I’d just go to my family’s house for dinner.  There’s no story being told and at the end of the show nobody watching it is any smarter than they were before, so what is the entertainment value?  And more importantly, why is it eligible for a f*cking Emmy?  For what?  Filming people being people in a place where people don’t live?  Oooh, innovative!  You can try and defend it if you want, but Survivor is one of the biggest mistakes our civilization has ever endorsed.  If you take every fan of survivor and asked them how to spell bug, they’d probably stare at you waiting for tribal council to vote you off the island like a mesmerized twat.

These shows are everywhere:  Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County, The Amazing Race, Project Runway, America’s Next Top Model, Fear Factor, Wife Swap, The Apprentice, Big Brother and Dancing with the Stars… This sh*t has taken over my TV.  I can’t switch through more than five channels without seeing an ad for one show more “real” than the next.  But what are they, really?  I think that giving the general public an insiders look into the lives of crab fishermen is fascinating, I really do, but why do we need to know about bored, rich, white women with nipples under their jaws, more make-up then some geisha-clown monster, glowing orange from fake tan spray?  There need to be a line!

And you know why these shows are on the air, don’t you?  Because of all the stupid dopes in the world who would rather live life vicariously through the boob-tube than getting on with their own.  Put down the remote and try learning the guitar!  Read a book, or a comic book (preferably Mythoi)!  Walk your dog!  Or, heaven forbid, spend time with your family and friends!  Hey, I know, get a lover and make your own reality show!  Who gives a fluorescent-flying-f*ck about who voted who off of which island, boat or house?!  If you said, “I do,” then I need you to do me a favor:  I want you to hold your breath until everything turns black.

The Emmys has a category for reality TV.  Hollywood has been selling us bullsh*t for quite some time.  I, like many of you, allow myself consumption of said feces when the trade off between my time and the entertainment provided is acceptable.  At some point, we let those bastards sell us pictures of ourselves under the banner of “reality.”  They figured out that they can entertain us without great writing, action or directing (aka $)…  They have only to let us see each other — then they cash their six-figure checks.  And now, the Emmys have a category for reality TV.  It used to be that Hollywood danced when we paid for it.  Now, we (the patrons of television) all stand in a room naked, jerking each other off, letting the cameras catch everything — then we pay Hollywood to see it.  And now, there is a damned category for reality TV at the damned Emmys.

*Sigh.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go check out Superman’s boner.

Mr. Wolff