If you like comic books but haven’t seen Unbreakable, go see it now.  After that, you can pretty much avoid everything that is, was or could have been touched by M Night Shyamalan.  Some of you may disagree with me on this, and that’s okay, because some of you are f*cking idiots.  Let’s take a look at Mr. Shyamalan’s track record thus far, yes?  I’m going to stick to those films that were directed by M, but we’ll begin at his third piece, The Sixth Sense — Praying with Anger and Wide Awake just aren’t worth mentioning.  Be warned, the spoilers cometh…

The Sixth Sense (1999)

Bruce Willis can do no wrong, that’s just science.  In 1998 the man, the myth, the legend starred in Armageddon, saving our planet from a gigantic asteroid with the help of Michael Bay.  Then, in 2000, he played a role in Matthew Perry’s only non-Friends funny-comedy, The Whole Nine Yards (though the “funny” part is debateable).  But in between those two movies, Mr. Willis participated in a succesful hiccup of a film called The Sixth Sense.

Willis plays a dead detective helping a young kid deal with the fact that he can see dead people.  The film owes much of its success to the “twist” ending: Willis was dead the whole time!  Damn!  And after you knew that little piece, the movie sucked fat ass, but not in a good way.  Re-watching this film is like having sex with the same prostitute two times: less exciting and just plain silly, since you could spend your money on something different again and again.  The moody piece was a one trick pony, though it was a steed Mr. Shyamalan would ride for years to come…

Unbreakable (2000)

This will forever be, in my opinion, Night’s masterpiece.  In Unbreakable, Shyamalan sticks with Willis for yet another romp, only this time he adds the Nick Fury to the mix — Mr. Samuel “F*cking” Jackson.  Willis and Jackson had played off each other with amicable flair five years earlier in Die hard with a Vengeance, so the hype train rolled on not only The Sixth Sense tracks, but with fumes of buddy-anticipation as well.  Neither actor failed to deliver.

Willis plays a man who cannot be physically hurt — at all, while Jackson portrays an art dealer who is practically made of glass.  After Willis is the only one to survive a train wreck, Jackson’s character seeks him out and tries to convince him that he is a real, living, breathing hero — like the ones in comic books.  Willis is reluctant to believe in “powers” but the greater truth is that he’s afraid to believe in himself — a story Shyamalan unravels with a particular grace.  In the end, we learn that Jackson’s character was right, but more than that, he’s positioned himself to play the villain, revealing that is was he who caused the train wreck in the first place, as well as countless other catastrophes to find his “hero.”

Unbreakable is a dark journey of self-discovery written and directed by someone who not only pays homage to comics, but the mythos they represent.  It’s truly and utterly brilliant.

And that’s when M Night Shyamalan should’ve stopped making movies…

Signs (2002)

Mel Gibson joined Shyamalan in this romp about a preacher who deals with aliens taking over the world.  The aliens are afraid of water and the preacher lost his wife to a drunk driver.  Flashbacks continually reveal bit by bit of his wife’s demise while the world is invaded by aliens THAT WE NEVER ACTUALLY GET TO SEE UNTIL THE END.

Signs is a test in patience — do you care enough about the story, the characters, or the plot, to sit in your seat for an hour and a half waiting for the aliens to show up?  Ultimately, most people said no.

What would’ve made this better?  More aliens.  More destruction.  Less egotistical film making.

The Village (2004)

After Signs’ anti-climactic ending started to assuage the sizzle on Shyamalan’s career, M decided to try the whole scary/twist thing again with, The Village.  The general plot revolves around a small village, apparently set in the colonial days of America, who are tormented and devoured by a beast in the woods.  The elders of the village have a secret and Brody plays a retard.  The big twist?  It’s set in now.  A blind villager makes it out of the village, over a wall where security meets her and escorts her away in a golf cart.

Yeah.  Seriously.

It was at this point in Shyamalan’s career the effects of Hollywood became evident.  His biggest successes and the phrase synonymous with his name were twist-endings.  Signs didn’t have that and apparently Shyamalan was incapable or writing anything sans gimmick.  The film played weak and desperate.  Bleh.

Lady in the Water (2006)

Let’s keep this breif: Shyamalan wrote/directed this flaming piece of shit, which was rejected by Disney, picked up by Warner Brothers and panned by critics upon it’s release.  The Story is about a girl named Story, saving Shyamalan (acting) who is going to write a book that will inspire folk.  Giamatti plays a guy who gets sucked into saving Story (but not the actual story) from a lupine beast that looks like grass.

Less thinking Mr. Shyamlan; you’re either the smartest man in the world or, at this point, the most convoluted egomaniac since Hitler — but with more film and less hatred.

The Happening (2008)

You know what kinds of films were cool to make in the aughts?  Green ones.  Save the planet!  Humans are wicked!  Have sex with goats!  Well, Shyamalan wasn’t immune from the green-hype and made this god-awful mess about trees fighting back.  Unfrotunately John Leguizamo was sucked in as well.  Though as the actors go, I will say this: Getting Wahlberg to play the lead in a story where the antagonist doesn’t move is, in a queer way, appropriate.

The plants get mad at humans and release chemicals that make us kill ourselves.  Until the end, when they’ve thinned us out enough to stop releasing said toxin.  The film’s reception was similar to the plot: audience members wanted to kill themselves and eventually, the ticket sales thinned enough for the film to stop playing.  It really was that bad.

The Last Airbender (2010)

Enter The Last Airbender.  I know fans of the original are excited.  Fine.  Be excited, but be wary.  I don’t know if it will be good or bad the same way I wonder if my shits will stink — up to now they all have, but maybe this one will be different…

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff