Last night was the People’s Choice Awards.  I wouldn’t normally watch it, but a dear friend of mine with a terminal illness and an affliction for fuckery happens to work for the show and asked me to tune in, so I did.  For maybe five minutes.  Then they announced the first winner in the Best Comedy category, which we’ll get to in a minute, and I turned it off.

Now the People’s Choice Awards claims to be a unique show in that they listen to fans (taken from their website):  The People’s Choice Awards celebrates fan favorites in music, movies and television and is the only major awards show where real people — not industry insiders — determine the nominees and winners, setting it apart from other awards shows.

That’s not entirely true…  You see, they don’t speak to all the fans, or go off of a movie’s gross ticket sales, or a TV show’s ratings, or anything like that — they just let people go to the site and vote.  Seems simple and fair, right?  No.  It’s not.  You see, the overwhleming demographic of voters are pre-teens in braces with a hankering to be loud and obnoxious — the rest of us are working or don’t care.  What irks me is that the celebrities who leave with these awards may actually believe they are the “people’s choice.”  SO, in an effort to make things perfectly clear, I’ve decided to go through and address each winner (in the film category only — sorry TV and music, I can’t stomach to even look at you), to let them know whether or not they were chosen by people or mindless, pre-pubescent, acne-ridden germ-incubators, overloaded on hormones teens.

Favorite MOVIE ACTOR
Johnny Depp

No problem, whatsoever, here.  Johnny Depp is one of the most talented actors around.  As far as I’m concerned this guy can’t win enough awards.  He has reinvented himself again and again and again.  My only complaint with Mr. Depp is thus: Maybe a little less Burton — I know you two love each other and I think you make a great team but the formula’s getting a little tired.  I’m sure you’ll be a fantastic Mad Hatter, but it’s just not new anymore.  We get it, you’re both eccentric…

Favorite MOVIE ACTRESS
Sandra Bullock

Sorry Sandie — no can do.  You may have been a qwerky kind of hot in Demolition Man and Speed, but something happened…  Somewhere along the way you started banking off your comedic acting and not your sexiness, which is fine, but you’re not funny.  I’m sure that women across the world would fight against me to defend you, but I’m going to say what all (non-gay) men are thinking: Please stop making movies our ladies want to see.  We’re running out of excuses to miss them.  And “Favorite Movie Actress?”  Not in a million.  You’re just below Tina Fey and barely above that ugly girl from Twilight.

Favorite ACTION STAR
Hugh Jackman

Oh Hugh, you silly bitch.  I want to love you, I really do.  You brought Wolverine to the big screen and for that I will always be eternally grateful.  But your action movies since the two X-Men films have all been, well, crappy: Swordfish?  Van Helsing?  Ex-Men 3?  Ex-Men Origins: (Not-so) Wolverine?  Sorry bud, but you’re not an action star — not yet.  I would give you the People’s Choice for “Best Manly Actor Who Is Probably Gay.”  Action stars are men like Arnold S, Sylvester S, Jean-Claude Van D, and Bruce W.  You’re nowhere near them.

Favorite COMEDIC STAR
Jim Carrey

Apparently Jim made a movie called Yes Man which isn’t so bad, but that’s the problem with this guy lately — all of his movies are not so bad.  None of them are good.  Remember Ace Ventura?  The Mask?  Hell, even Liar, Liar was giggle-inducing.  Somewhere along the line Mr. Carrey went all Eddie Murphy on your fans and forgot what funny was.  Do us all a favor and take a few years off, find your comedic-qi and get back in the haha-saddle.  Jim, you just won a “Best Comedic Star” award on the People’s Choice Awards — that should tell you you’re probably not funny.

Favorite BREAKOUT MOVIE ACTRESS
Miley Cyrus

I have nothing to say about this little attention whore.  I don’t know what movie she was in that helped her “breakout” (apparently she wasn’t famous before), but nobody in their right mind takes her seriously.  Nobody.

Favorite BREAKOUT MOVIE ACTOR
Taylor Lautner

First of all, he was in Twilight.  If that doesn’t establish this farce of an award show, then maybe the competition he “beat” will:  Chris Pine, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Sam Worthington, Zachary Quinto.  Any one of those men deserves ten times the success of Lautner, if for no other reason than this: they were not in a Twilight movie.

Favorite INDEPENDENT MOVIE
Inglourious Basterds

This movie should win every award it can — it was one of the BEST movies of 2009.  But Independent?  I dunno…  From Wikipedia (which is the most reliable site EVER) “An independent film, or indie film, is a film that is produced mostly outside of a major film studio. The term also refers to art films which differ markedly from most mass marketed films.”  Best film?  Yes, I’d be on board with that.  But Tarantino hasn’t done indie since Reservoir Dogs…

Favorite Comedy MOVIE
The Proposal

This movie beat The Hangover.  If you haven’t seen The Hangover then do yourself a favor and stop reading this immediately, go buy it and enjoy.  If you have seen it but didn’t like it, you’re an idiot.  If you saw it and saw this and thought this was better you probably produce unhealthy levels of estrogen and lack pubic hair.

Favorite MOVIE
Twilight

Fuck these films.

Now I encourage, as always, you to tell me what you think.  Since most of our readers are not drooling morons in high school, I want to know what you think about the “winners” from last night.  I have a serious sense of dread that our retirement homes will be full of Meyers books, Miley music and models-turned actors — the youth of America scare the shit out of me.

The Future of America…

Mr. Wolff

Back to Semantink

I’ll admit it out the gate, I’ve always been curious about the gothic subculture.  I’ve never been interested-curious, but always why-in-the-hell-do-people-do-that-curious.  A few years back I even dated a “gothic” girl and truth be told, she was a very sweet girl, but couldn’t seem to satisfactorily explain to me why she wore what she wore (she doesn’t dress the scene any more).  So today I still wonder, what it goth and why does it look so stupid?

Mr. Sinister is goth?

So to attack this issue head on I went to the greatest source of truth in existence today: Wikipedia.  “The goth subculture is a contemporary subculture found in many countries. It began in the United Kingdom during the early 1980s in the gothic rock scene, an offshoot of the post-punk genre. The goth subculture has survived much longer than others of the same era, and has continued to diversify. Its imagery and cultural proclivities indicate influences from nineteenth century Gothic literature along with horror movies and to a lesser extent the BDSM culture. The goth subculture has associated tastes in music, aesthetics, and fashion, whether or not all individuals who share those tastes are in fact members of the goth subculture. Gothic music encompasses a number of different styles. Common to all is a tendency towards a lugubrious, mystical sound and outlook. Styles of dress within the subculture range from deathrock, punk, androgynous, Victorian, some Renaissance and Medieval style attire, or combinations of the above, most often with black attire, makeup and hair.”

Okay, to recap: Goth is everywhere.  Goth came from London.  Goth’s daddy was Punk.  Goth is diverse.  Goth is influenced by gothic literature, horror movies and bondage/discipline.  Goth = black.  Okay.  Got it.  Unfortunately though, this still doesn’t explain the boys I see walking around San Diego with black pants on (that they’ve obviously stolen from a 10 year-old girl), black make-up, various layers of black blouse and a menagerie of bracelets, necklaces and rings that all have symbols you would find in the Necronomicon.  So, I gues my question now is, why would you chose to look so miserably transgendered?

The elusive “Catfish-Forehead” goth — a very rare find…

For the answer to this, I turn to goth.net.  Now this site is ripe with tenn-wisdom, so I recommend anybody go there for a good chuckle, but I refuse to post the excessive blabber in all it’s entirety.  This is the closest thing I got from the page that directly answers me, “There is no specific thing that defines what you need to do or be to fit into the goth scene (except of course the implied black clothing).”  Okay, so according to goth.net, if you wear black you’re goth.  But we all know it’s more than that, don’t we?

I know that a hundred goths asked, “what is goth,” would probably give me a hundred different answers.  Maybe they are confused and need help.  So, let me describe goth as I see it, but please correct me if I am wrong.  When I think goth (in a positive light) I recall of the use of macabre, or socially morbid tools utilized in a way to bring about the rejection of presumed ideas, thoughts or feelings that may or may not be exposed as mere assumption.  A great example of this is the earlier works of Tim Burton, who directed and produced many films that took icons of terror and made them mainstream (can’t wait for Alice in Wonderland); simultaneoulsy challenging society and reorganizing our perceptions of “proper.”  Hell, I’ll even give you Marilyn Manson who seemed to be the Mtv outcast at first, but rose above controversy when challenged as a cause of the Columbine shootings and replying only by asking parents to talk to their kids.  Are his musical proclivities, way of dress and general dialogue on the edge of socially accepted standards?  Hell yes (well, they were…)!  Though through his own extremes, Mr. Manson got a nation to pay attention to their children and to stop gorging themselves on the idea that their children’s problems were not their own.  Kudos to you, sir.

Chewing your tongue is sooo 90s goth…

You see, the term gothic comes from a Roman description of Germanic vandals who ransacked Rome a very long time ago.  The word was renewed in the 19th century to describe literature that filled it’s readers with terror and suspense.  And then, in the 80s, we equate this style with the insurgent punk-rockers who seemed to rise from the gutters and ransack “civilized” society with questions like, “why,” and “how?”  And that brings me to you, the modern gothic.  And I have to suggest that you stop using the word immediately, because you’ve killed it.

Gothic literature. Try some.

You are not challenging anything other than your own mind.  Sure, you may impress your friends every once and a while by learning a big word, or quoting some dead white guy who lived in the 1800s, but be honest…  You’re not “goth” because you’re using morays to challenge the status quo — you’re “goth” because you shop at Hot Topic.  You think you’re being bold by wearing a black corset to the mall (and I’m talking to the boys here), but really, you’re just rebelling against your parents because daddy doesn’t hug you enough, or mommy made you take out the trash.  You are NOT goth.  You are a boy in girls clothing and makeup.  You are noth challenging anything.  You are creating scenarios of segregation in your own mind because, in truth, after all the bitching you do about being an outcast — you love the attention.

Or at least, that’s my opinion.

Well, one nice thing about you little gothic-crazies (suicide girls?), is that you sure are fun to look at.  Here are a few more of my favorites.

Dude, high school is hard enough…

goth zombies.

Goth girls = boobs + confetti hair?

Sometimes you gotta take a b*tch for a walk.

This one is my favorite. All goths should look like this.

And finally, as homage to Tim Burton and Marilyn Manson, a video for your pleasure:

Check out Mythoi — it’s coming out soon…  And don’t forget to comment below, I love your thoughts!

Peace out y’all.

Mr. Wolff