Sgt. Angle Reporting for Duty!

Ladies and gentlemen, the other night we were graced with the glorious presence of the prestigious Movie Awards. Along with the usual candy-cane hubbub that comes with MTV, we were also graced with some exclusive clips of upcoming movies. Because your sergeant is especially tired this morning, you’re going to have to bear with an exceptionally short session.

1. Twilight whatever: Never gonna watch it. And you can’t make me. And Kristen Stewart is beyond awkward. Reading the series must be worse, according to this site. In fact, this story drives me so nuts, I’m not even going to post the trailer that debuted on the Movie Awards.

2. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Aside from Lord of the Rings, this is the only true film series that might beat the test of time — and don’t bother trying with the Star Wars argument, Lucas already destroyed our patience with his effing prequel scenarios…Lookit HP in all of its’ wonderful gloriousnes, and if you still don’t want to see it, tell me what’s wrong with you, soldier.

3. Next up from the MA 2010 pre-sow broadcast is a new clip from Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. Michael Cera, Anna Kendrick…gimme more!

4. We were also given a taste of Shyamalan sauce tossed around with hot air in The Last Airbender. This is one I’m still on the fence about. Either I’ll be wishy washy and not see it, or I’ll see it and look for everything wrong with it. I wish there was another option.

Finally, you should really download to your internal hard drive everything Tom Cruise can do, from Risky Business pants-less dancing to male dominance motivation to fat-suit grooving. Les grossman, we salute you.

Until next week…you are dismissed!

Sgt. Angle

Over the last few weeks I have been bombarded with overwhelming amounts of fucktardery that, while normally get shoved down my throat and choked into silent submission, have been regurgitated into the spotlight of my mind based on the abnormally slow week in real entertainment news.  Corey Haim died; Christopher Nolan announced that he, David Goyer and [yet-to-announced Director] will be working on the next Superman Movie (also in this article: no Mr. Freeze in the next Batman); a ten second Twilight: Eclipse trailer was released that makes my balls tremble with rage; and, the new TRON: LEGACY trailer came out, which is full of fantastic.  But none of that is really “Rant” worthy…yet.

So, what am I left with?  Well, three particular tales of tomfoolery that have been simmering in my cerebellum involving stupid people doing/saying stupid things that I just can’t abide by.  So, without further adieu I give you: Mr. Wolff’s Moronic Countdown.

3.  Taking Caulk in the Ass

According to NJ.com, “Six women from the Essex County area who wanted fuller bottoms ended up in hospitals after receiving buttocks-enhancement injections containing the same material contractors use to caulk bathtubs.”  I’m going to stop here and ask that you read that again.

Now I understand the need to pinch pennies in this economy, I’ve had to settle for several store-brand products over the last few months, including painkillers, gin and coffee, but there are just certain things you don’t skimp on!  You don’t go cheap when you’re buying hookers, guns, children or ass implants!

2.  Lohan v. E-Trade

Please watch this.  It’s important to our discussion.

Apparently, at some point in that video, E-Trade was poking fun at Lindsay Lohan, at least that’s what she claims.  “Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E-Trade is using that knowledge to profit,” Lohan’s lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, said in a statement to the New York Post. “They’re using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn’t they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody’s talking about it and saying it’s Lindsay Lohan.”

No, Miss Ovadia, nobody thinks that, or at least they didn’t before now.  I know that Lindsay is a pretty popular idiot actress person (??), but I think she may be over reaching here.  Check out this site.  At the bottom right you can put in the name Lindsay and find out just how popular a name it is (for example, in 1986, the year Lindsay was born, it was the 46th most popular name in the United States).  I guess “Lindsay” isn’t such a unique name, huh Lohan?  Besides, the Grey Group, which produced the “Milkaholic” commercial has already said they, “just used a popular baby name that happened to be the name of someone on the account team.”

Ms. Lohan, I would call you an idiot, but I think you may sue me, so let me just say this: I know a moron named Lindsay, but I’m not telling anybody which Lindsay…

1.  Wolfman Ripped Off Twilight.

Do you know who Kayla Patterson is?  You shouldn’t.  She wrote this:

To whom this may concern:

This movie was a complete waste and I feel that it offends ALL Twilight Fans around the world, that including myself. For one, it was a COMPLETE remaking of the Wolf Pack from the Twilight Saga: New Moon. It gives the werewolves a bad name and makes them look like some deformed mutation of a rabid dog. I actually started to like werewolves after seeing Jacob Black and all his awesomeness on the big screen at the movies. That was until I saw your crappy remake of what you call to be a “were wolf”. I don’t see how you live with yourself for making it the way you did. If I made this movie, I would be ashamed to even admit that I owned it. How can a werewolf be killed with a silver bullet? Better yet, have you saw the transformation of the man that is “supposed” to be the wolf? He sits in some chair and his entire body turns in to some mutated freak. If you would watch the transformation of Jacob Black, (Taylor Lautner) he doesn’t come close to looking as fake, cheap and or mutated as the wolf man.  You tell me, who looks to be the better werewolf. Your stupid Wolf Movie didn’t even make the top Movie for the charts; Valentines Day WITH TAYLOR Lautner! Get that this is MY oppinion and I felt I wanted to express it because I saw that your email was on your site. I wanted to let you know this is what i thought of the wolf man that sucks.
FREAKIN LAUTNER DID!

Ms. Patterson, this is a werewolf:

This isn’t even a wolf, much less a werewolf (I think it’s a dog):

And you are my #1 moron.

Grats.

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

Back to Semantink

Last night was the People’s Choice Awards.  I wouldn’t normally watch it, but a dear friend of mine with a terminal illness and an affliction for fuckery happens to work for the show and asked me to tune in, so I did.  For maybe five minutes.  Then they announced the first winner in the Best Comedy category, which we’ll get to in a minute, and I turned it off.

Now the People’s Choice Awards claims to be a unique show in that they listen to fans (taken from their website):  The People’s Choice Awards celebrates fan favorites in music, movies and television and is the only major awards show where real people — not industry insiders — determine the nominees and winners, setting it apart from other awards shows.

That’s not entirely true…  You see, they don’t speak to all the fans, or go off of a movie’s gross ticket sales, or a TV show’s ratings, or anything like that — they just let people go to the site and vote.  Seems simple and fair, right?  No.  It’s not.  You see, the overwhleming demographic of voters are pre-teens in braces with a hankering to be loud and obnoxious — the rest of us are working or don’t care.  What irks me is that the celebrities who leave with these awards may actually believe they are the “people’s choice.”  SO, in an effort to make things perfectly clear, I’ve decided to go through and address each winner (in the film category only — sorry TV and music, I can’t stomach to even look at you), to let them know whether or not they were chosen by people or mindless, pre-pubescent, acne-ridden germ-incubators, overloaded on hormones teens.

Favorite MOVIE ACTOR
Johnny Depp

No problem, whatsoever, here.  Johnny Depp is one of the most talented actors around.  As far as I’m concerned this guy can’t win enough awards.  He has reinvented himself again and again and again.  My only complaint with Mr. Depp is thus: Maybe a little less Burton — I know you two love each other and I think you make a great team but the formula’s getting a little tired.  I’m sure you’ll be a fantastic Mad Hatter, but it’s just not new anymore.  We get it, you’re both eccentric…

Favorite MOVIE ACTRESS
Sandra Bullock

Sorry Sandie — no can do.  You may have been a qwerky kind of hot in Demolition Man and Speed, but something happened…  Somewhere along the way you started banking off your comedic acting and not your sexiness, which is fine, but you’re not funny.  I’m sure that women across the world would fight against me to defend you, but I’m going to say what all (non-gay) men are thinking: Please stop making movies our ladies want to see.  We’re running out of excuses to miss them.  And “Favorite Movie Actress?”  Not in a million.  You’re just below Tina Fey and barely above that ugly girl from Twilight.

Favorite ACTION STAR
Hugh Jackman

Oh Hugh, you silly bitch.  I want to love you, I really do.  You brought Wolverine to the big screen and for that I will always be eternally grateful.  But your action movies since the two X-Men films have all been, well, crappy: Swordfish?  Van Helsing?  Ex-Men 3?  Ex-Men Origins: (Not-so) Wolverine?  Sorry bud, but you’re not an action star — not yet.  I would give you the People’s Choice for “Best Manly Actor Who Is Probably Gay.”  Action stars are men like Arnold S, Sylvester S, Jean-Claude Van D, and Bruce W.  You’re nowhere near them.

Favorite COMEDIC STAR
Jim Carrey

Apparently Jim made a movie called Yes Man which isn’t so bad, but that’s the problem with this guy lately — all of his movies are not so bad.  None of them are good.  Remember Ace Ventura?  The Mask?  Hell, even Liar, Liar was giggle-inducing.  Somewhere along the line Mr. Carrey went all Eddie Murphy on your fans and forgot what funny was.  Do us all a favor and take a few years off, find your comedic-qi and get back in the haha-saddle.  Jim, you just won a “Best Comedic Star” award on the People’s Choice Awards — that should tell you you’re probably not funny.

Favorite BREAKOUT MOVIE ACTRESS
Miley Cyrus

I have nothing to say about this little attention whore.  I don’t know what movie she was in that helped her “breakout” (apparently she wasn’t famous before), but nobody in their right mind takes her seriously.  Nobody.

Favorite BREAKOUT MOVIE ACTOR
Taylor Lautner

First of all, he was in Twilight.  If that doesn’t establish this farce of an award show, then maybe the competition he “beat” will:  Chris Pine, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Sam Worthington, Zachary Quinto.  Any one of those men deserves ten times the success of Lautner, if for no other reason than this: they were not in a Twilight movie.

Favorite INDEPENDENT MOVIE
Inglourious Basterds

This movie should win every award it can — it was one of the BEST movies of 2009.  But Independent?  I dunno…  From Wikipedia (which is the most reliable site EVER) “An independent film, or indie film, is a film that is produced mostly outside of a major film studio. The term also refers to art films which differ markedly from most mass marketed films.”  Best film?  Yes, I’d be on board with that.  But Tarantino hasn’t done indie since Reservoir Dogs…

Favorite Comedy MOVIE
The Proposal

This movie beat The Hangover.  If you haven’t seen The Hangover then do yourself a favor and stop reading this immediately, go buy it and enjoy.  If you have seen it but didn’t like it, you’re an idiot.  If you saw it and saw this and thought this was better you probably produce unhealthy levels of estrogen and lack pubic hair.

Favorite MOVIE
Twilight

Fuck these films.

Now I encourage, as always, you to tell me what you think.  Since most of our readers are not drooling morons in high school, I want to know what you think about the “winners” from last night.  I have a serious sense of dread that our retirement homes will be full of Meyers books, Miley music and models-turned actors — the youth of America scare the shit out of me.

The Future of America…

Mr. Wolff

Back to Semantink

Sgt. Angle reporting for duty! (Look, this post may contain spoilers, so don’t say this isn’t a warning.) We still have time before the Halloween rush, so I’ll wait to give you the down low on the upcoming horror film season.

Where the Wild Things Are. #1 at the U.S.B.O. this past weekend, piling in an estimated $32.5 million bills for director Spike Jonze and Warner Bros. The success of Jonze’s five-year odyssey reminds us that you don’t have to treat a kid like a kid in order to win the kid’s dollars. You don’t have to Disney-ficate all over the genre in order to suck the soul of the young and innocent. How else can a kid cease to be a kid, and realize that it’s time to act like an adult, if you don’t treat him like one? Then again, why can’t we all stay kids forever, like this guy:

Dropped out at a very, very early age.

This year has given us a number of so-called “kids’ movies” that are more geared to sophisticated adults, teenagers with brains, and kids with loving parents who are willing to TEACH their young’ns about the seriousness that life offers, and that you can always turn those frowns upside-down. UP showed us that the cinematic experience can do so much with so little, as the first ten minutes should make you cry. If you did not well up in the first ten of “Up”, then you have no business calling yourself human. you basically have no soul. Go join Sam Worthington as an Avatar, you blue freak.

Just because you’ve been labeled a family film, or a kids’ movie, does not mean you have to have cute little backwards letters in your credits. You don’t have to douse eggs with syrup and hot sauce just to show you know how to have fun. You also can ignore the fact that dogs poop and grown-ups are goofy when they’re serious. Because you know what? When you get serious, you’re pretty goofy, too. But that’s because you don’t know what you are just yet, so it’s okay.

Here’s one lesson to remember, kid movies: You don’t have to have a daddy with issues who needs to learn how to care for his child. In today’s world, Mommy’s have problems, too. Why is it that we’re always watching the dad who needs to make more time for his kids, or the dad has to find a way to get a second job and pay alimony by working as a security guard at a museum? And how can Dick Van Dyke fight at night and then not feel sore in the A.M.?? WHY ARE OLD PEOPLE FUNNY?

Because they’re old.

But you know, kids are funny, too. Because kids always go for the simple solution. I’m not trying to be negative, or ageist, but kids say and do the darndest things just to prove themselves. And then, the sh*t hits the fan and they almost get chomped by sharks. Guess what, kids, the lesson of the day is DON’T GO SWIMMING. Or maybe you should dive in, because there are mermaids out there. Usually.

And hey, teen movies, you’re even worse. Because you’re basically disguised as teens, but you’re really over the age of 18. You’re unlawfully invading teenage kids’ personal space by protecting yourself with that little PG-13 rating (unless you’ve Disney-fied the MPAA to get your PG rating). Twilight, while being a less-than-satisfying crucifixion and butchering of the English language read in book format, is an accurate tribute of what NOT to teach your kids about love at a time when hormones are raging louder than an L.A. wildfire, and “love” is just a new word of the week.

So, in summation, go do yourself a favor and see Where the Wild Things Are. It won’t necessarily change your life, but it will force a perspective on it. If you’re an adult, you’ll look back on being a child, what you loved about it, what you hated, and the forts you used to build. If you’re a kid, and you’ve somehow been reading this post for the past few minutes, maybe you’ll think about the next time Mom tells you to get off the kitchen counter.

She demands it because she loves ya. She yells at you because she’d rather do that then eat you up. And if you can be a wild thing once in a while, from now on, no matter how old you are or what you look like or how grumpy you are if you wake up early because of a dog barking outside your window at six A.M., then go ahead. Be a wild thing.

Because this is where you are. You are –

“Yo, Sgt. Angle. I’mma let you finish. But first I have to say that Spike Jonze directed one of the best short films of all time. Starring me, Kanye West. Blow yo’ mind at the nine minute mark.” We Were Once a Fairytale.

At ease.

Sgt. Angle

Kanyus Interruptus

http://cdn1.knowyourmeme.com/i/18944/original/Untitled.jpg

Kanyus Interruptus.

First of all, I wanted to let you all realize that I know what day this blog is released on, and that is not Wednesday, it’s Thursday.  Some of you have sent me emails explaining that Wednesday, not Thursday, is hump day due to it’s location in the work week.  I say to you:  You are dumb.  Hump Day is the day in the week when I, Mr. Wolff, hump things.  And I do mean hump; as in: I thrust my hips against something, banging my frontal nethers slamming upon an object in an often funny and sexually perverse manner.  I do this because there is something wrong with me.

Not Mr. Wolff, but close…

Moving on…

We need to talk about Twilight.  Let me say that I have never seen the movie or read the books.  So, if you are the type of person that needs to catch herpes before thinking, “herpes sucks,” then please stop reading, as I will only be hurting your feelings.  I think Twilight is three things:  A creepy non-vampire pop-film, a bad book, and a terrible movie.  And I can think all three things without wasting my time or money to experience Twilight in any form.  Allow me to explain:

“A creepy, non-vampire pop-film ”

You should know that I come from the Anne Rice school of vampire mythology.  I have read the entire chronicles, their spin-offs and I devoured everything.  Also, I have experienced the joy/fear of Bram Stoker’s Dracula — a book that many claim to love, but few whom I have spoken to have actually read…  In exploring these and other sources, I believe that vampire mythology is loose enough to adapt amongst different writing styles, but there are universal truth’s that MUST be involved for a vampire to be a vampire: An aversion to sunlight, the desire to drink blood and pale-ish skin.  Everything else is arguable (stake to the heart, turning into fog or wolf and the whole coffin-bed thing seem arbitrary to some degree).  So here is my question to Twilight fans, and please, correct me if I am mistaken: Edward and his clan don’t eat humans, don’t have fangs and don’t die when in sunlight?  Then how in the hell are they to be considered vampires?  Oh, and here’s another one:  Since he’s obviously not a vampire, and seems to have the I-don’t-age superpower, would you still think the story was beautiful if Edward aged like normal?  A love story between an old man and a high school girl…  Creepy.

I know what many of you are thinking:  “It’s not about vampires!  It’s about love!  A love that transcends all boundaries!”  As long as he looks good, right?  I know all you little bastards wouldn’t think their kissing was hot if Edwards looked like he was 106 years old…  Well, some of you would, and there is a special level in Hell for you.

As a vampire story, Twilight is a pop-spin-off, at best.  As a love story, Twilight is creepy.  As a book or movie?

“a bad book”

Well, I’m going to let Stephen King describe it as a book, comparing it to the Harry Potter series: “Both Rowling (Potter) and Meyer (Twilight), they’re speaking directly to young people… The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good.”  That’s right.  Stephen King, the man behind mainstream horror doesn’t think Meyer can write.  And THAT is why I won’t be reading it, because Cujo’s dad says it’s not worth the time.

Need more?  Here.  And here.  Here you go.  There are more and you don’t have to look to hard to find them.

“a terrible movie”

As a film, let’s just use Rotten Tomatoes, they have a good standing with the film-going community and seem accurate, since they use several different reviewers.  I wonder what they think of Twilight?  49%.  What does that mean?  Well, here are some BAD movies rated higher than twilight:  Mission Impossible II, Hitch, Shanghai Knights, What Women Want, Just Like Heaven, Bounce, and, well, lots.  I can’t keep listing them because I’m getting depressed and I’m starting to feel like I’m kicking a very dead, not-vampire, terribly written, creepy-ass, badly reviewed– uh, horse.

Here are some quotes from the site, regarding Twilight:  “Dumbest vampire movie…ever;” “So this is what all the fuss is about?;” “Twilight is pure fantasy, emphasis on the pure… it’s a soft-focus reverie for girls who want to be Disney princesses and have their bad boys, too, as long as the bad boys are models of tormented self-restraint;” “If you’re a fan of the book, I’m so sorry;” “As lovers, these two are not convincing. They don’t produce enough of a spark to set off gasoline vapor.”  Wow.  Sounds great you guys.  Really.

To Close…

Now, I am not suggesting that this book doesn’t have an audience.  I know it does.  And people who like this book are still people; they are just stupider than the rest of us.  But that’s okay.  We should love them anyways and encourage the fact that they are reading at all.  Honestly, I’m surprised that the type of person who would appreciate such obvious trash, paid attention in school for long enough to learn the ways letter connect to make words, so kudos to them!  Maybe someday they’ll outgrow their training wheels and learn what talent looks like.  But for now, they remain like this:

Sweat or tattoo, what’s funnier?

Or this:

Marilyn Manson loves twilight!

And they do regrettable things, like:

The resemblance is uncanny…

And they act like this:

Maybe you can see the error of your ways now and you’d like to know what to do.  Well, figure out what it is you thought you liked about Twilight (either the movie or the book) and then go find something good in that vein.  For example, did you love the “vampires”?  Then try Matheson’s I am Legend, (the book), or Neil Jordan’s Interview with a Vampire (the movie or the book, written by Anne Rice).  And if you liked the “supernatural love story between immortal and mortal beings,” swing over to HBO for True Blood.  Did you enjoy the “clashing of multiple mythologies”?  Try Ninness’s Mythoi.  Or maybe you just loved the “love story,” in which case you could try: Gone with the Wind, West Side Story, Romeo and Juliet, An Affair to Remember, or even Love Story.  For the readers: Wuthering Heights, The English Patient, True Believers, or The Thorn Birds.

If you still think Twilight “is like, the greatest,” then I want you to go out in to the woods and find a real vampire.  Hopefully, he eats you.

‘Til later, Mr. Wolff