LOLLIPOPS!

Greetings folks!

Happy Halloween eve, also known as the last day to find a costume before clothespins, towels, and paper bags constitute a superhero outfit. Now, as we all know, Halloween is great for one single, solitary reason. trick-or-treating. Sure, you could look back into antiquity and glean the reasoning behind Halloween, but none of those old traditions involved fun-sized Snickers bars, so whats the point?

Ah, trick-or-treating, the beautiful practice of begging in disguise. As a child I recall hoping that I would get more treats (Butterfingers and Skittles) than tricks (strychnine-laced Milky Ways, or even worse, smarties) . It is with the glorious convention of trick-or-treating in mind that I offer up your current blog. We have all read a comic book, expecting very little and being treated to a pleasant surprise. On the flip-side, we have all been looking forward to a book, only to be tricked by the hype, and received a 22 page crap-fest. The following is a list of a few tricks and treats from my funny-book reading youth that I would like to share with you all. Enjoy!

The Authority demand peanut butter cups! NOW!

TREAT: The Authority– In 1999, Wildstorm launched the Authority. All I knew was that Warren Ellis had written STORMWATCH, which had sucked, and Bryan Hitch had drawn a rather crappy rendition of the X-men a few years earlier in X-MEN PRIME. I was expecting the book to be “meh” at best, but there was a woman in it who appeared to be naked under a thin layer of liquid metal, so I gave it a shot. Boy, did I make the right decision. The book was filled with sardonic wit and wide-screen action. There were heroin-addict superheroes, man-on-man love superheroes, mean English superheroes, and most importantly, almost-naked-but-for-a-thin-layer-of-liquid-metal superheroes. This book was truly an unexpected treat.

The Ultimates race towards an impending sugar coma.

TRICK: Joe Mad on  The Ultimates 3– I loved Joe Mad’s X-men in the mid-nineties. He single-handedly kept me interested in the X-franchise, heck, he even made Maggot look cool. MAGGOT! So, when Marvel announced that Joey M would be drawing the third chapter of THE ULTIMATES, I got all geeked out. I mean, Maduriera makes everything look cool, for example:

Like Beevis, this man demands TP for his, um, weird light thingie? Never Mind.

This had “slam dunk” written all over it. But then, issue #1 came out, and tears set in. Joe’s art had gotten, well, mushy. The figures, always exaggerated, had become distended-looking and sad. Whoever colored the art, didn’t do Joe Mad any favors either. This was a trick par suck-u-lance.

Under his cape, Stryfe is hiding a cornucopia of charms blow-pops.

TREAT: X-cutioners song– There was a time when Marvel put together a X-crossover just about every year, and it was getting old. Inferno was lacking. Fall of the Mutants was anti-climactic. Extinction Agenda had a bunch of men in happy-face robo-suits. Then came X-cutioner’s song. I was expecting yet another sad excuse to get everyone with an X on their clothes together, but what I got was so much more.The pictures were glorious in every chapter, featuring art by Jae Lee, Greg Capullo, Andy Kubert, and Brandon Peterson. The story was engaging throughout, and actually tied up subplots that had been dangling about for years. This x-over was a true treat.

Gummy Bears or else.

The Midnighter fears for his dental health, while the engineer is transforming into a giant toothbrush.

TRICK: Grant Morrison coming to Wildstorm– When Wildstorm announced that Grant Morrison would be writing WildC.A.T.s and THE AUTHORITY, my heart skipped a beat. When it was announced that Jim Lee would be drawing the cats and Gene Ha would be working on The Authority, I started drooling. Both comics then released one issue and haven’t been seen or heard from since. The trick was on the fans.

In Tranquility, every day is Halloween.

TREAT:Welcome to Tranquility– I picked this book up because of the writing of Gail Simone. The concept of a town full of old, retired, superfolks didn’t really appeal to me, but I figured I would give it a shot. What I got was a spectacular story, filled with fun characters, tongue-in-cheek jokes, and zombies. The art by Neil Googe was brilliant as well.

I wanted to make a Halloween joke, but I have no idea what’s going on in this pannel.

TRICK: Steampunk– Joe Kelly was a writer on the rise. Chris Bachalo had been great for years. Steampunk is always a fun genre. Add the three together, and instant gold right? Wrong. Bachalo’s art was an overcrowded mess that took me right out of the story, which wan’t that great to begin with. Shame, guys, shame.

For Mars Bars!

TREAT: Walter Simonson’s Thor– When I was in high school, I started trolling back-issue bins to augment my comic acumen. I came across an issue of THOR which featured a frog dressed up as the God of lightning, and figured, I’d give it a shot (after all, an encyclopedic knowledge of Norse mythology could only increase my popularity at High school). Little did I realize that I would be picking up one of the greatest comic book runs of all time. Walter Simonson was perfect in his time on THOR, providing a heavy dose of mythology, action, drama, and great art. Thank you Walter, for the soul Snickers.

“My armor tastes like suck. Try it!”

TRICK: Onslaught– This big bad was build up for the better part of the year. Who was Onslaught? How was he so powerful? What was he planning? Onslaught was a mystery, wrapped in a riddle, coated in enigma. I wanted to meet this onslaught character, and watch him kick @$$. Then, Onslaught was revealed, in all his red and purple sadness. He wasn’t even a real person, just a bunch of stray Professor X thoughts. What a letdown.

I want children, just so they can dress up as darklings for Halloween.

TREAT: Darkness– This is a book that seemed ripe to be over-hyped. I knew that Mark Silvestri made pretty pictures, and that Garth Ennis wrote disturbing and funny stories. I also knew that Top Cow stories tended to drift, letting the art keep people interested (see WITCHBLADE). So, while I expected to enjoy THE DARKNESS, my sights weren’t set too high. However, this book exceeded expectations on every level, and the story was even engaging (for a while, until Garth left). I have no problem admitting, I love me some darklings.

Due to a lack of Mounds, Spidey gnaws on gravestones instead.

TRICK: Spider-man:Reign– I should start by saying that I actually enjoyed this book. Why, then, is it listed as a trick, you ask? The reason is the hype machine this book rode into town on. Kaare Andrew’s Spider-opus was supposed to be an answer to THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS, but just wound up being a kinda forgettable spider-story. The art was Frank Miller-esque, but any time your main character kills his wife with irradiated sperm, the story is bound to be a disappointment. If someone had billed this story as “Crazy old Spider-man has poisonous sex, and theres a whole lot of Venom” this story could have been a treat.

That’s it for my tricks and treats, go out there and get those last minute costumes folks! Thanks for stopping in and have a safe and Happy Halloween.