Sgt. Angle Reporting for Duty!

127 Hours — Five out of Five Rifles.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 — Three out of Five Rifles (a whole rifle cracked for the fact that this tale was split in two)

Due Date — Two Rifles and an unloaded Rifle out of Five fully loaded rifles.

Unstoppable — Stop it.

But beyond those movies, we have something else to talk about this week. It will be brief, because this person is still up-and-coming in the film world. But she’s worth discussing because she’s made an impression with each of her roles thus far. Malin Akerman.

I won’t go into a hard bio of Malin, suffice it to say that she was born in Swedan and her mother was a model. Look at her photo, and tell me that I didn’t need to tell you that bit of information.

After a few years of modeling and some commercial work, Malin appeared in The Brothers Soloman and The Showbiz Show with David Spade as a correspondant. She then garnered a co-starring role in The Heartbreak Kid and appeared alongside freakshow Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses.

Somewhere in there she apparently already hit the Low Country in a film called Heavy Petting. Check out the poster and figure out how many ways to tell me this movie looks terrible, just going by the poster alone.

Watchmen came and showed us that Akerman respected genre pieces and fans as much as her own career. I’ve heard tell, through hearsay, that she enjoyed the movie and the fact that the fans enjoyed it, even though it didn’t haul a lot of cash. Again, this is a hearsay paraphrased quote, possibly overheard during a breakfast by an unseen wallflower.

Akerman starred as Silk Spectre II in Watchmen, fulfilling many a young man’s fantasy in a sex scene while wearing her costumed hero boots.

She also fulfilled no one’s fantasy by appearing in Couples Retreat and The Proposal. Because these films were successes at the box office, Malin Akerman is well on her way to becoming a household name.

In her down time, she met her husband, Roberto Zincone, when she sang lead for the band The Petalstones.

Akerman has a slew of pictures coming up with big names — Catch .44 with Bruce Willis (a thriller/crime drama), The Bang Bang Club with Ryan Phillippe (a drama set in South Africa), and Wanderlust with Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd (a comedy from David Wain). Malin is also a co-star in Elektra Luxx, a comedy about a pornstar who gets pregnant.

Recently, it was announced that Malin has been offered the role of Linda Lovelace in the docu-drama Inferno, based on Lovelace’s autobiography. Lindsay Lohan was supposed to play the role, but it’s easier to ensure a one-eyed tiger than Lohan these days. After Luxx, Inferno will represent Malin’s second foray into the porn story universe.

She’s got an eclectic resume and is only just past thirty. Here’s hoping Malin Akerman remains only in The High Country.

You are on leave.

Sgt. Angle.

Howdy, kids. Welcome back to The Book Report.

This week, I want to talk briefly about a genre of books that some snobby readers might feel as being too juvenile: comic books. More specifically, the graphic novel. Here at Semantink the publishers have been doing their best to promote the hell out of the Mythoi: Birth graphic novel, and while Ben’s Comicopea takes a look at comics and the comic industry in a very knowledgeable way, I thought I’d address the issue for people who don’t read comics because they “only read serious books” (or some other smarmy, elitist comment).
So what I thought I’d do is recommend three graphic novels in three different genres that I own and wouldn’t hesitate to recommend to people.

1. The Psychological Thriller

As the only graphic novel appearing on Time Magazine’s “Top 100 Novels of all time” (since 1923), Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons Watchmen is truly a feat of literary genius. Drawing its title from Roman poet and satirist Juvenal’s question “Who watches the watchmen?” the initial premise of the story is a look at what superheroes would be like in real life. Of course, in order to support such a premise, the book also needs a close examination of what type of person might feel the need to put on a costume and fight crime. Watchmen certainly does not shy away from its obligations. As the story unfolds and the single murder of a costumed crime-fighter begins to have global ramifications, Moore and Gibbons deconstruct the concept of the superhuman from two angles: the people who need to be heroes and the people who need others to be heroic. Gripping, gritty, and at times very disturbing, after its completed run in 1987, Watchmen changed the way authors wrote heroes and also the way people read them.

2. The Action/Adventure

Okay, at first glance, a trio of pin-up models in sexy action poses may not look like “literature”, but roll with me here for a second. For more than fifty years the James Bond/Jack Ryan/Jason Bourne (what’s with the J names?) spy thrillers have made their way onto many a book shelf in houses all over the world. The basic premise of Danger Girl is exactly the same, except where in those spy novels the “Bond Girl” is little more than a sexy female for the hero to save, these girls are kicking ass all over the place. And, yes, looking incredible while they do. Right from page one this book burns at full throttle, and the action doesn’t let up one bit.
Equal parts James Bond, Indiana Jones, and a generous helping of curves, the Danger Girls are intelligent, independent, and incredibly sexy. But then, everyone in this comic is sexy from the main heroes and villains to the background characters. It’s what creators J. Scott Campbell and Andy Hartnell do. They could make Quazimodo look sexy. Plus, the comic has got enough puns to satisfy even the most rabid punster.

3. The Romantic Thriller

One of the reasons I don’t like the Twilight series might be because of this book. At one point in Meyer’s series, the main character’s love leaves her, and so she shuts down emotionally for six months. Of course, given the lack of individuality and vapid helplessness of the main character, that sort of shut down makes sense. But if there is a book that shows more rage, heartache, and longing at the loss of a loved one than The Crow, I haven’t read it. The story was inspired by a news report of a couple who was murdered for a $20 engagement ring, and written as a way for the author to deal with his own loss. In 1978, author James O’Barr’s fiancee was killed by a drunk driver, and while I’m not saying someone who’s never felt that kind of loss couldn’t write that book, I think you can see every bit of the pain, rage, and heartbreak from that loss show up in every drop of ink.
The book is incredibly violent, but there is a sense of heart-wrenching poetry in each bullet, each blood spatter. The kind of emotional depth that Twilight never even scratches the surface of.

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That’s it for me this week, folks. You can catch pretty decent (even excellent) movie adaptations of Watchmen and The Crow, and there’s been talk of a Danger Girl movie for years (though there is a Playstation video game adaptation) for those who are curious about other media formats for these books.

Until next time,
Still paddlin’ the old knew…
_-Akatzen-_

Sgt. Angle Reporting for Duty!

Opening credits can do great service to your film, set your tone, introduce some exposition, or not even appear at all. One of the finest examples of the importance and value of the opening credits, under the audience’s, is in Hitchcock’s Rear Window. We look upon the yard through the window of L.B. Jeffries, and only in the end realize that this is our stage, every thing we see will become necessary, and it’s only the finer details that will really matter.

Recently, I came upon some mind-blowing opening credits, from Gaspar Noe’s new flick Enter the Void, which premiered at Sundance this year. Check out this sucker:

Watching that acid trip made me think of some other memorable opening credits from the past. Below are just a handful.

1. SE7EN

Far and away one of the greatest credit sequences of all time. Grungy, disgusting, sickening. Totally immerses us in the dark criminal world of a character we don’t want to meet but who haunts the entire story and main characters.

2. ZOMBIELAND

Perfect song, perfect amount of gore and the slow motion really makes us focus on the situations and the people involved, the desperation, because that’s what the movie will be about, in the end. Great integration of the credits and the people throughout.

3. WATCHMEN

Great use of comic-book panels as exposition, and under the guise of a credit sequence. The use of Bob Dylan further accents the socio-political undertones of the entire movie, and these images are just plane awesome.

4. ED WOOD

Sets a clear tone for us, places us in a time period that is not the present, includes the cheesy effects and sly use of black and white. This is the one clip I could find, but I think placing the credits in the context before and after help perfectly set the piece’s mood and tone.

5. RAGING BULL

Reveals character. Subtle, single-camera location, lets us know that, thematically, this fighter’s life will always revolve around the ring. his life is a boxing ring.

There are also a ton of great examples from TV shows…perhaps we will visit those in the near future, right here on this site!

Sound off in the comments below on some of your favorite credit sequences, and why.

Dismissed!

Sgt. Angle

First of all, know this: pesticide makes Kermit a transvestite.  Moving on…

Next I want to apologize to those of you who missed our time together last week because of The Undergrounds.  I know it was difficult, but trust me, it was worth it.  Benji’s been working with five writers and an artist to put that little web comic together and, well, writers and artists are about the most difficult people in the world to work with, so give the man some slack.  The comic itself is pretty damned funny, especially if you’ve ever spent time in customer service…

Now, to the topic at hand: The Academy Awards.  This Sunday Hollywood is going to blow some smoke up their asses, let it mingle for a while and then burp in our faces with the biggest sham ever, the Oscars.  A group of rich people swooning over one another, ranting about how great they are and how important their work is to the world… Please.  Anyways, these fascists elitists fleshy bags of hot air will, at the very least, entertain us; I’m sure someone will have a nipple slip, somebody will rant about the environment when they win, someone will end up saying something crazy like “midget-mayonnaise” for no reason, and hopefully, if we’re really lucky, somebody with some talent, not connection, will win an award they deserve.  But doubtful.

So, in lieu of the good Sgt. Angle’s picks, I’m here to give you my wishes-that-weren’t, not predictions, for this years Academy Awards in the following categories: Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Cinematography, Best Director and Best Picture.  Shall we?

Best Actor:  Cung Le

Last year a little sci-fi gem called Pandorum came out and it was, without a doubt, one of the most fun films in the genre I had seen in a very, very long time.  Not only did the movie have some solid work in the writing, directing and production department, but it managed to surprise me at the end, something films rarely do effectively these days.  One of the actors, real life fighter Cung Le, portrayed Manh, a badass mofo with a huge spear and a foreign language.  Cung Le spent the whole movie flipping, slashing and fighting, something that keeps me interested and holds my attention (I know, weird, right?).  Pandorum itself was fantastic and if you haven’t seen it, you’re doing yourself a disservice.  Cung Le wins because he could fuck any of the Academy’s nominations up, without special effects.

Best Actress:  Sasha Grey

I don’t need to introduce this beauty, but I will anyways.  Sasha Grey has been in some of the more timeless pieces of the last few years, including: Teenage Peach Fuzz 3, Spunk’d 8, The King of Coochie 4, and Soderbergh’s latest (and the film for which she wins this award), The Girlfriend Experience.  In the The Girlfriend Experience, the talented Miss Grey plays an escort, which is acting, because she is not an escort in real life, she is an adult film star — totally different!  The drama deals with the escort managing her clients and her personal life in the days of the 2008 election.  You see?  Politics = drama!  The film scored varying reviews, but I can’t see how anyone would oppose a movie where we follow this fine femme around for two hours, can you?

Best Cinematography:  M David Mullen

Most of you may not know who M David Mullen is, but you probably know his work as a cinematographer…  Love Pig?  Now Renting?  Lipstick Camera?  No?  Me neither.  But I do know his 2009 release: Jennifer’s Body.  Being a cinematographer is hard work. According to Wikipedia, “The title is generally equivalent to director of photography (DP), used to designate a chief over the camera and lighting crews working on a film, responsible for achieving artistic and technical decisions related to the image.”  So, when you see something beautiful on the screen, don’t thank the director, thank the cinematographer!  In Jennifer’s Body we got two moments of beauté (that’s French for “beauty”): A make out scene with Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried and a topless Megan Fox — you, Mr. Mullen, are a master of your craft.  Now please understand, I still think Ms. Fox is a moronic piece of white-trash, but she is an extremely hot, moronic piece of white-trash, so there you go.

Best Director:  Zach Snyder

Fuck the haters.  I know he took out the squid and I know that Watchmen is still a better book than movie, but here’s the bottom line:  Zach Snyder took what was, for all intensive purposes, Hollywood’s wetdream/nightmare property and made a damned fine film.  It’s beautiful.  It’s as true as we can hope for any comic book ground through the Hollywood machine.  It gave us an awesome Rorschach.   And if you’ve seen the extended cut with the Curse of the Black Freighter woven throughout, it’s beautifully told cinema.  You can disagree with me (it wouldn’t be the first time), but Zach Snyder deserves a hearty bow-down from all you geeky bitches for pulling off one of the most difficult comic book franchises-to-film ever.  Even if you hate the film you must respect the doors he’s opened.

Best Film:  The Hangover

As Comedies go, I don’t ask for much — just make me laugh!  At some comedies I laugh a little, at others, I laugh a lot.  At The Hangover, I laughed my fucking ass off all three times I saw it!  The cast is perfect.  The humor is spot on.  It starts with funnies and never stops — I heard jokes for the first time on my third viewing because I had laughed through them the first two times.  Does this movie make me question what it is to be human?  No.  Am I a better person after seeing it?  Probably not in the existential sense.  But here’s why The Hangover is the BEST film of 2009: It was exactly what we needed — all of us.  2009 could’ve been better in a lot of ways.  I wanted escape.  I got a hilarious romp through the eyes of four not-all-too-smart guys in the land of hedonism and unadulterated pleasure.  I left the theater and I was genuinely happy, more than I can say for some animated/blue-people/depressing films I saw last year…  Oh yeah, and Mike Tyson was in it singing Phil Collins — automatic win.

That’s it kiddies.  Enjoy this Sunday (if you can).  Maybe next year we’ll see some actual talent get an award, like whoever stars in the Burton/Bekmambetov film coming out where President Lincoln fights vampires…

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

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