Over the last few weeks I have been bombarded with overwhelming amounts of fucktardery that, while normally get shoved down my throat and choked into silent submission, have been regurgitated into the spotlight of my mind based on the abnormally slow week in real entertainment news.  Corey Haim died; Christopher Nolan announced that he, David Goyer and [yet-to-announced Director] will be working on the next Superman Movie (also in this article: no Mr. Freeze in the next Batman); a ten second Twilight: Eclipse trailer was released that makes my balls tremble with rage; and, the new TRON: LEGACY trailer came out, which is full of fantastic.  But none of that is really “Rant” worthy…yet.

So, what am I left with?  Well, three particular tales of tomfoolery that have been simmering in my cerebellum involving stupid people doing/saying stupid things that I just can’t abide by.  So, without further adieu I give you: Mr. Wolff’s Moronic Countdown.

3.  Taking Caulk in the Ass

According to NJ.com, “Six women from the Essex County area who wanted fuller bottoms ended up in hospitals after receiving buttocks-enhancement injections containing the same material contractors use to caulk bathtubs.”  I’m going to stop here and ask that you read that again.

Now I understand the need to pinch pennies in this economy, I’ve had to settle for several store-brand products over the last few months, including painkillers, gin and coffee, but there are just certain things you don’t skimp on!  You don’t go cheap when you’re buying hookers, guns, children or ass implants!

2.  Lohan v. E-Trade

Please watch this.  It’s important to our discussion.

Apparently, at some point in that video, E-Trade was poking fun at Lindsay Lohan, at least that’s what she claims.  “Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E-Trade is using that knowledge to profit,” Lohan’s lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, said in a statement to the New York Post. “They’re using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn’t they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody’s talking about it and saying it’s Lindsay Lohan.”

No, Miss Ovadia, nobody thinks that, or at least they didn’t before now.  I know that Lindsay is a pretty popular idiot actress person (??), but I think she may be over reaching here.  Check out this site.  At the bottom right you can put in the name Lindsay and find out just how popular a name it is (for example, in 1986, the year Lindsay was born, it was the 46th most popular name in the United States).  I guess “Lindsay” isn’t such a unique name, huh Lohan?  Besides, the Grey Group, which produced the “Milkaholic” commercial has already said they, “just used a popular baby name that happened to be the name of someone on the account team.”

Ms. Lohan, I would call you an idiot, but I think you may sue me, so let me just say this: I know a moron named Lindsay, but I’m not telling anybody which Lindsay…

1.  Wolfman Ripped Off Twilight.

Do you know who Kayla Patterson is?  You shouldn’t.  She wrote this:

To whom this may concern:

This movie was a complete waste and I feel that it offends ALL Twilight Fans around the world, that including myself. For one, it was a COMPLETE remaking of the Wolf Pack from the Twilight Saga: New Moon. It gives the werewolves a bad name and makes them look like some deformed mutation of a rabid dog. I actually started to like werewolves after seeing Jacob Black and all his awesomeness on the big screen at the movies. That was until I saw your crappy remake of what you call to be a “were wolf”. I don’t see how you live with yourself for making it the way you did. If I made this movie, I would be ashamed to even admit that I owned it. How can a werewolf be killed with a silver bullet? Better yet, have you saw the transformation of the man that is “supposed” to be the wolf? He sits in some chair and his entire body turns in to some mutated freak. If you would watch the transformation of Jacob Black, (Taylor Lautner) he doesn’t come close to looking as fake, cheap and or mutated as the wolf man.  You tell me, who looks to be the better werewolf. Your stupid Wolf Movie didn’t even make the top Movie for the charts; Valentines Day WITH TAYLOR Lautner! Get that this is MY oppinion and I felt I wanted to express it because I saw that your email was on your site. I wanted to let you know this is what i thought of the wolf man that sucks.
FREAKIN LAUTNER DID!

Ms. Patterson, this is a werewolf:

This isn’t even a wolf, much less a werewolf (I think it’s a dog):

And you are my #1 moron.

Grats.

Until next time,

Mr. Wolff

Back to Semantink

Sgt. Angle Reporting for Duty!

Tighten up your uniforms and strap into your Humvees, soldiers. We’re gonna get ourselves into the makeup chair today and have our faces remodeled while our minds are blown by the work of Special Makeup Effects mastermind Rick Baker.

You’ve seen him on the big screen before, much the same way you’ve seen John Williams or James Cameron. Rick Baker has given us creatures to be scared of, and faces to be scared for. From Men in Black to Harry and the Hendersons, from The Wolfman to An American Werewolf in London, Rick Baker has created the most memorable, realistic, and innovative cinematic sequences and looks of the last thirty years. He stands on the shoulders of Jack Pierce (The Wolfman, the original) and Dick Smith (The Godfather, The Exorcist) , and continues the tradition of great movie makeup.

In high school, Baker changed his life goal from wanting to be a doctor to wanting to do makeup for movies. His parents were luckily supportive, and Halloween became the “Rick Baker Holiday” in the neighborhood. But for Rick, Halloween lasted all year long. Naturally, any makeup guy is going to have a “blood and guts” period as a teenager, but this quickly came to an end for Baker when he painted his friend with third-degree burns, and the kid’s father became hysterical at the sight.

Later, Baker located Dick Smith in New York City. He wrote Smith a letter and included photos of his work. Smith took the young Baker under his wing, just as he was finishing up his latest picture, Little Big Man, with Dustin Hoffman. Throughout the 70s, Baker refined his craft on B-movies and even a couple of A-listers, including some uncredited work on The Exorcist, and second unit effects on Star Wars.

In 1981, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences finally decided to add a Best Makeup Award for the Oscars. The first winner in this category was Rick Baker, for his incredible human to wolf transition design in An American Werewolf in London — clearly the new bar set for human-creature effects work of the last thirty years in filmmaking.

Baker worked several times with Michael Jackson, most notably on the greatest music video of all time (sorry, Kanye), Thriller (also directed by American Werewolf’s Jon Landis). Later came Harry and the Hendersons, featuring a family friendly Ron Perlman Bigfoot design, and bringing Baker his second Oscar for Best Makeup.

With the 1990s came three more Oscars for Baker — for classic monster makeup and aging prosthetics to make Martin Landau the unforgettable Bela Lugosi in Ed Wood, for redefining a classic film, for redefining Eddie Murphy’s career in The Nutty Professor, and for alien-to-human transitions in Men in Black.

But along with these finer achievements came some minor work, yet no less considerable on any makeup artist’s resume: Gorillas in the Mist, The Rocketeer, Coming to America, Wolf, and even Batman Forever. He won his sixth and record-holding Makeup Effects Oscar for green-ifying Jim Carrey in How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and was able to bring the Oscars to a new low by getting nominated for his makeup work on Norbit. He visualized the imagination of Guillermo del Toro in Hellboy, scared countless Americans out of their chairs with The Ring and The Ring Two, and made Robert Downey, Jr. into a funny Eddie Murphy black man in Tropic Thunder.

Most recently, Rick Baker was able to pay homage and put his own stamp to the original makeup work of Jack Pierce’s classic design of The Wolfman. Luckily, Benicio del Toro is a very hairy man, which no doubt made Rick Baker’s job that much easier. Asked why he would revisit werewolves despite having jumpstarted the genre in American Werewolf in London, Baker said: “It’s The Wolfman. It’s one of the films that made me the strange man I am today. I could do nothing but horror movies and be happy. I hate what’s become of them, with all these slasher films, and any chance I can get to do an old-fashioned gothic horror movie, I’m going to take it.”

Del Toro, 2010; Chaney, 1941

In the same interview, Baker says his favorite monster-movie as a kid was actually Frankenstein. Unversal execs take note, because you have your monster-makeup-man right here. Steal him away before he is obligated to take on Norbit II. Seriously. Even Benicio del Toro threatened him…

At ease.

Sgt. Angle